February 10th, 2010
MGM Grand Garden Arena
Backstage at Destrucity II
(Only moments had passed since the Conan-level Television Title match between Cruise and Black. The capacity crowd outside was still chanting “DRU-ID!! DRU-ID!!” as the new champion recklessly tore through the black curtains and strode gallantly back to the locker room, the TV Title hanging in his hand.)
(Sam Baxter was there, waiting with a mic in hand.)
Sam Baxter
ERIK! Can I get a word?
(Hardly aware that words were even spoken, the wild-eyed Druid ripped the mic out of his hand.)
The Druid
“ERIK?!” What the hell is an “ERIK!?” Just a NAME... bestowed on me at BIRTH as if it would determine my path in some transparent web of predetermination!
Names are MEANINGLESS, my friend! There is no “Erik Black”... all that you see in front of you is “THE DRUID!!” I am nobody... and EVERYBODY... and what you just witnessed was NOTHING compared to the ever-present voice of SUPER-REALITY that BELLOWS in my face at every waking hour!
(He holds up the TV Title, overly dilated eyes staring disbelievingly into the metallic plating, as if seeing it as something completely alien to his understanding.)
The Druid
And THIS?! What’s THIS, I ask you!? Fame? Fortune? GLORY?!
This is NOTHING, my friend! Just a token of the MOMENT that was CONCEIVED here tonight! This BELT had NOTHING to do with what happened out there! That was just two COSMIC BODIES in this infinite universe coming to a CHRONIC COLLIZION so extreme, it ripped the fabric of the space and time continuum! Even now, you can FEEL the cosmos SHUDDER in the wake of my professional wrestling AWESOMENESS!!
And you can sit there and deny it if you want... but you know deep down that YOU can FEEL IT TOO!!
Tell me you can’t... GO ON, TELL ME, YOU BASTARD!!
Sam Baxter
Uh... who are you talking to?
(Black spun around, turning away from the brick wall he was incoherently raving in front of for the past couple, and seems to recognize the reporter for the first time.)
The Druid
Oh, hey man...
Sam Baxter
Are you, uh... alright?
The Druid
I’m beyond that, amigo. But I think I gotta roll, man... this place is seriously coming down on me.
(Wiping a glaze of perspiration from his forehead, Black hands the mic back to the reporter and wanders aimlessly down the hallway, shambling feet desperately trying to transport him to the red neon beacon of an “EXIT” sign hanging over a door.)
Sam Baxter
But Erik... err, DRUID!! Hey, WAIT!!
(Black pushes through the door and disappears as we go to black.)
March 29th, 2010
At a random hotel in the desert...
(The camera fades in on Sam Baxter, back on the job. He sternly gives the door to room 7B an audible knock. From inside, we can hear somebody stumbling multiple times and a variety of things either being smashed or knocked over in the occupant’s curse-heavy attempt to answer the door.)
(Finally, the door comes open, revealing the haggard visage of “THE DRUID” ERIK BLACK. It looks like he either hasn’t slept in days, or spent the past few days sleeping heavily.)
“The Druid” Erik Black
...yeah??
Sam Baxter
Good morning, Erik! You got a minute?
(Eyes blinking in the sunlight of the early day, Black seems to recognize the reporter’s face for the first time.)
“The Druid” Erik Black
...OH, SAM! Awesome... I thought you were another damned cleaning lady...
(Breathing a sigh of relief, Black flashes a grin and reveals the lamp he had been holding behind his back, which he carelessly throws aside.)
Sam Baxter
Uh... should I come back at a better time?
“The Druid” Erik Black
Sammy, you don’t understand... we’re all OUT of time! You need to get your ass in here YESTERDAY!
(Before Sam can get another word out, Black’s hand shoots forward, clamps down onto his shoulder, and practically drags the man into the motel room. The camera follows the two into the destroyed remains of Erik’s motel room. The walls appear caked in condiments. The furniture is absolutely destroyed. Puddles have formed from an overflowing sink in the adjoining bathroom. The TV is stuck on an endless display of static.)
(Baxter takes in his surroundings with a questionable look on his face. Black, apparently getting back to what he was doing before the reporter called upon him, sits down on the edge of the bed, picks up Geezer, and takes a rip.)
Sam Baxter
Oh, Erik... how many hotel rooms must be destroyed on New ERA’s tab?!
“The Druid” Erik Black
As many as it takes, Sam... until the world opens their eyes to the light of the STONER SUN!
Sam Baxter
Man, Erik... you have no idea how hard it was to track you down. Nobody’s seen or heard anything out of you since Destrucity II back in Las Vegas. What have you been doing for the past month and a half since the Pay Per View?
(Releasing two righteous lungfuls of smoke into the atmosphere, Black hacks in surprise.)
“The Druid” Erik Black
…it’s been a MONTH and a HALF since Destrucity II?! DAMN...
Sam, let me tell you... I’ve been on some SERIOUS cosmic journeys in my time... but THAT batch of boomers was something not of this EARTH!!
Sam Baxter
That... must have been some trip.
“The Druid” Erik Black
Oh, it was MORE than a trip, man. I wasn’t standing in the ring at Destrucity, man—I was ON Destrucity! The actual PLANET! It felt like I was locked in some epic mortal struggle with the WARRIOR HIMSELF!
Cthulhu grew those shrooms on his ASS or something! I went BEYOND Earth and its petty miseries... beyond even time and space! I stared in the face of the UNIVERSAL TRUTH, man... and you know what it said back? You know what the answer is to the all-encompassing search for the TRUTH is?
It’s “FUCK YOU and DON’T ASK AGAIN!”
Sam Baxter
I’ll keep that in mind the next time I wonder about the meaning of life.
(Black sets the bong down and pops to his feet, joining Sam in front of the camera. He looks rather ridiculous with his hair sticking out in half a dozen directions and his beard completely smashed up against one side of his face. Regardless, he flashes a devilish smirk in the camera’s direction as if he could give a **** what people thought about his looks.)
“The Druid” Erik Black
You’d do WELL to keep that in mind, Sam! I’m not just having these astral voyages for my own personal PLEASURE here! I’m trying to make my fellow homo-sapiens THINK! I’m trying to help the world make that next step in the evolutionary PHASE!
Sam Baxter
Right...
Well, if there’s on thing to be said... you certainly made a lot of people THINK differently after your big win over Cameron Cruise to become the New ERA of Wrestling Television Champion! Some thought it IMPOSSIBLE... and yet somehow, you made it happen!
“The Druid” Erik Black
That’s right, Sam. That’s what I DO! I DEFY reality! I change PERSPECTIVES!!
I mean, CRAP... did you see that PHOENIX DRAGONRANA I BUSTED OUT IN THERE?!
Sam Baxter
Yes... it was definitely one of the biggest moments of the night. You nearly blew the ROOF off of the MGM Garden Arena with that.
“The Druid” Erik Black
FUCKIN’-A, man!! That’s what I’m talking about!
And Cam... well hey man, he was a great sport. And he doesn’t know it yet, but I did that man a FAVOR that night! See, Sam... I liberated him from the burden of the Television Title!
Sam Baxter
I wasn’t aware that the TV Title WAS a burden...
“The Druid” Erik Black
To Cameron Cruise? Very much so. Cameron Cruise deserves BETTER than the TV Title. You and I both know it, Sam... he’s got all the motivation and talent one needs to be standing at the TOP of New ERA of wrestling. But he can’t get there if he’s going to jump into the ring to defend against the likes of JOHN DOE and JEFF “GREENHORN” JORGENSON night after night. So all I did at Destrucity was lighten Cam’s load.
Sam Baxter
So if the TV Title was a burden to Cameron Cruise, then what does it represent for yourself? This is, after all, your career’s first major achievement in singles wrestling. That must mean something to you...
“The Druid” Erik Black
...meh, not really, Sam.
Sam Baxter
Really?
“The Druid” Erik Black
Look... I’ve never been big on achievements. I see these guys showing off their trophy cases all the time, and I think to myself, “When that METEOR hits the PLANET, all the GOLD in the world ain’t going to be anything more than SPACEDUST!”
I was thrilled to have the opportunity to fight a champion... but to me, “champion” is a worthless word. A man shouldn’t use his material possessions to speak for him.
Sam Baxter
...where IS the belt, anyway?
“The Druid” Erik Black
The belt? Oh... CHECK THIS, dude...
(Black throws off his ceremonial bathrobe and turns around, revealing where the TV Title has been hiding this entire time. He’s wearing it backwards, face of the belt resting right over his lower back. Cameron Cruise’s name has been covered over by a piece of masking tape with “THE DRUID” written on it in magic marker.)
“The Druid” Erik Black
I finally found something to cover up the fact that my ass-crack is hanging out 24/7!
Sam Baxter
That’s... very innovative. Though I have to admit, it’s a little disheartening to see you treat something as venerable as the New ERA of Wrestling Television Title as little more than plumber’s crack protection.
(Shrugging, Erik turns to face the camera again.)
“The Druid” Erik Black
Look... just because I don’t CARE for the tedious hierarchical rat race this industry practically FORCE FEEDS us doesn’t mean I don’t cherish the moment! I mean, I’m seriously STOKED to be considered New ERA’s TV Champion!
I mean, technically... I am this federation’s televised ICON! I am the FACE of its public broadcast relations! I think that means something significant... cause you look at the past champions and what they stood for. Mr. Entertainment... when he held this belt, it was like New ERA was telling the wrestling world, “This is WHO WE ARE. We are ENTERTAINMENT.” When Cruise picked up the belt, it came a time of transition—right in the middle of that crazy merger. What the federation was saying at that time was, “We are the NEW GENERATION.”
But the merger is finished... and now, it’s come to ME. I’m the fuck-you spirit in all of us. I am freedom of speech. I am the brash and outspoken rebuttal to your contemporary preconceived notions. Now, New ERA of Wrestling says, “This is WHO WE ARE. We are DIFFERENT.”
More than just “different”, though. REVOLUTIONARY.
Sam Baxter
You really seem to have thought this out...
“The Druid” Erik Black
Well, you know, when you lock yourself up in a motel room for a month in a half coming down on shrooms, you get time to think about shit...
But that’s what COUNTS to me, Sam! I have VISION! I have AMBITION! I want to change this industry in this most unconventional means you can possibly think of!
Sam Baxter
...eating shrooms and doing flips into flaming tables?
“The Druid” Erik Black
...if that’s what it TAKES, man!
Sam Baxter
Your reckless apathy contrasts sharply with the conviction and dedication of the first challenger to your TV Title reign... Jeff “The Greenhorn” Jorgenson! Did you get the opportunity to watch his promo on Youtube?
“The Druid” Erik Black
Eh... no, Sam. I couldn’t quite tap into this place’s WiFi account. They actually don’t even know I’m here right now.
Sam Baxter
Jeez...
Basically, your opponent made a very spirited monologue pertaining to his life-long commitment to becoming the Television Champion. He talked quite passionately about the amount of training he’s done to prepare for this match... and how it’s been his lifelong ambition to become a champion of wrestling.
(Erik looks visibly wounded as his brain tries to compute this.)
“The Druid” Erik Black
Ugh... glad I missed it. Did he have an American flag held up behind him?
Sam Baxter
Uh... no, he didn’t go that far. But my question is, Erik... how can you match that sort of dedication to this sport? He’s put every second of his LIFE toward fulfilling his life-long dream to being a champion... which means pinning you, or forcing you to submit. We saw some of that in his victory over Steve Burke and the former Television Champion Mr. Entertainment at Destrucity II. On the contrary... the lifestyle of “The Druid” Erik Black continues as if OBLIVIOUS to what lies ahead of him at RAUCOUS.
“The Druid” Erik Black
This entire planet lives oblivious to the forces beyond the sight of our primitive telescopes... completely blind to the cosmic doom that awaits us... yet somehow, we find the courage to wake up, go about our lives, and somehow get by on doing that.
Call me apathetic... but I just don’t see how my choices matter in the grand scheme of things... knowing there are forces out there that are completely beyond my control. When I walked into my match at Destrucity II, I made it clear from the onset that I could care less as to whether or not I walked out with the strap. The TV Title is not a reward, in my eyes. The experience I had in that ring between the bells was all the reward I ever needed... feeling the very GALAXY react to my wrestling ability!
Am I supposed to liken that to fifteen pounds of leather and tin?
(He unstraps the belt and holds it up to the camera.)
“The Druid” Erik Black
Jeff... are you SERIOULSY telling me that THIS is your lifelong ambition?!
THIS?!
(He shakes his head with pity.)
“The Druid” Erik Black
Man, I try to be as open-minded as I can, but... that’s just a notion I can’t get behind. I mean, why set your ambitions so LOW? Why do you feel that the only way you can possibly justify your meaningless existence on this meaningless planet is by adding a CHAMPIONSHIP to your career resume?
I know that I’m supposed to somehow emphatically moved by the fact that you’ve come so far and worked so hard and yadda yadda... but I find it hard to sympathize for you, man. So many men come into this industry with the same story... and so many leave, disappointed. It’s a depressing fact, made even more depressing when you consider how much untapped potential the wrestling world has seen slip through its fingers.
You’ve worked your entire life to get this far... but for all your worrying and tedious preparations, you can’t face the fact that you just don’t know what’s going to happen when that bell rings and I let loose. Even at your very best, there IS the possibility that I can outlast you for fifteen minutes at my very worst. What would you do if you came up short? What if you had to face the fact that your dream was NEVER going to be realized?
You’re living in a fantasy world, where the path to happiness is paved in the tedious virtue of success. It’s a young, foolish notion... and I suppose it’s fitting for a guy who calls himself “the Greenhorn.”
(Stroking his beard, Erik shakes his head for a moment. Then, it’s as if a Bic lighter flicks on over his head, and an idea is born.)
“The Druid” Erik Black
But I’m going to do you a favor, Jeff... I’m going to enlighten you in ways you never thought possible... and I won’t even have to offer you a bong hit. All I have to do is walk into that ring and let the Universe work itself out. Fifteen minutes is all I need to change your mind.
I’m going to deny you of your dream, Jeff... to help you realize that you should be dreaming of other things. I’m going to save you from an existence of being nothing more than just another name written down in the New ERA of Wrestling history books... and show you the true path to immortality. In doing so, I will teach you a lesson that will be crucial in the long evolutionary road before you, from lowly inexperienced rookie to wizened legend.
(He glances back at Sam, who has been listening close to every word.)
“The Druid” Erik Black
So basically, Sam... at RAUCOUS... I am going to SMOKE THE GREEN out of “The Greenhorn”... and maybe just maybe, we’ll make a man out of this kid.
Sam Baxter
It will definitely be interesting to see how two opposing ideals collide when the two of you are in the ring... but good luck in your first title defense! I’ll see you there at Salt Lake City!
“The Druid” Erik Black
Salt Lake City, dude... New ERA presents MORMON MASSACRE!!
(Black reclaims his bong and falls back into his spot at the end of the bed.)
Sam Baxter
Uh... we’ll just see ourselves out.
“The Druid” Erik Black
Awesome, dude... OH, and if you could... don’t tell anybody I’m here.
Sam Baxter
...’kay.
(Sam motions to the camera and the two scuttle out of the motel room, leaving Erik Black to another epic bong rip as the footage cuts.)