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LVW Supershow On The Strip I (6)


League Member
Nov 5, 2005
(MUSIC UP: "Man of Iron" - Bathory)

(FADEIN: Blue screen, flashy lights bordering all around, House of Blues logo in the middle, with date, time, and lots of 411.)

MAYES (V/O): “People in the Valley, this is it! Supershow On The Strip One! Tickets are SOLD OUT, but you can join us LIVE on Closed Circuit Television at MGM Hotel & Casinos!"

"Here is the lineup!"

"As per a settlement quickly reached between the "Hard Hitter" Ben Lerner and LVW Management, "Broadway" Johnny Doll's World Title Shot is on the line!"​

Winner gets FIRST LVW World Heavyweight Championship Title Shot

"Broadway" JOHNNY DOLL v. "Hard Hitter" BEN LERNER

"Jack House made the challenge on Leisure Time, and the former World Champion, Gladiator answered - with piano wire! Out of the Mandalay Bay back room, they'll take it to the ring, and beyond!"​


"Carmine Esposito is looking to get back into the good graces... of his loan-sharks! Living Dead is looking to get back into the good graces... of the living!"


"And then we crown the FIRST of two new champions! The winner gets the gold and diamond bracelet, and gets to call himself the Champion of Las Vegas! He'll get to do so by being the first to put an opponent through a POKER TABLE, in this, the Final Table Match!"​

LVW Las Vegas Championship Match
Final Table Match


"Finally, the one we've all been waiting for! Four Men! Sixty Minutes! The wrestler with the most falls will become the FIRST... Las Vegas Wrestling WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!"​

LVW World Heavyweight Championship Match
4-Way, 60-Minute Ironman Match


"LVW... taking it, to the OBSCENE!"​

OORP: This is it! The deadline for all RP and angles is Friday night, March 10th, midnight PST. 17 FULL DAYS OF MAYHEM! It's tahm! IT'S TAHM! IT'S LVW RP TAHM TAhm tahm...​

The Great Eye

I came to cut you up
Jan 29, 2004
Segment 6- World Title Match

(FADEIN: Overhead shot from the ceiling in the upper crevices of the inside of the House of Blues, the entire crowd stirring, ready to go!)

MAYES (V/O): “We’ve waited a long time for this moment, Sir Simon. It’s time to unleash the fury and crown our first World Heavyweight Champion!”
SMITH (V/O): “I’ve got butterflies in my stomach, Mayes. I got good money on this!”
MAYES (V/O): “Up to Jerry Harwell!”

(SFX: Bell ringing three times, the room gets up to its feet!)

(CUTTO: JERRY HARWELL, in the middle of the ring, at the ready!)


“The rules for the match are simple. The wrestler with the most falls at the end of regulation time will be DECLARED the WINNER! (Cheers!)”

“In the EVENT of a TIE… (Crowd “Oooooo”s) for most falls at the end of regulation time, we will immediately go into an overtime period between the tied combatants, at which time, the winner of the sudden-death overtime period will be crowned the World Heavyweight Champion! (Pop!)”


(MUSIC UP: “It’s All About The Pentiums” – Weird Al)

“It’s (Crowd chants LOUD!) all about the Pentiums, baby!”

(CUTTO: The stage, and a head with dark, moppy hair peaks out from behind the red curtain, surveying the nuthouse House of Blues! The head peaks out all the way, and the rest comes out from the curtain behind it – WEB BROWSER! The place goes nuts for him, WEB BROWSER looking in awe at the whole scene, stunned! WEB BROWSER, looking like 20 bucks, shyly tries to straighten out his new, freshly pressed white button-down shirt, not realizing he’s got it mis-buttoned all the way down, wearing it crooked! BROWSER gently shuffles down the mini-ramp, fans reaching for him, grabbing his new pair of black Dockers, freaking out WEB BROWSER, who looks like he’s slowly adjusting to the entire crazy scene, or maybe just the bright lights!)

MAYES (V/O): “LISTEN to this crowd!”
SMITH (V/O): “I still can’t believe it, Mayes! These suckers that come to and live in Vegas will fall for anything – that slots are a positive play, that the buffets in this town are safe to eat from, that Celine Dion tickets are worth paying scalper prices for, and that THIS computer clown has the talent, or a chance, to win the World Heavyweight Title!”
MAYES (V/O): “You just don’t understand his appeal, just like you didn’t understand that your run at craps was going to come to a terrible end like it did!”
SMITH (V/O): “What appeal, that he’s a geek who dresses like a bum? And I thought we agreed to never bring the craps up – it’s all about the roulette wheel and the sports betting now!”

(WEB BROWSER is in his corner, kinda doing stretches, still surveying the loony bin around him.)

MAYES (V/O): “And now…”

(MUSIC UP: “I Am a Viking” – Yngwie Malmsteen)


(The fans jump even higher, if that was possible, and go bonkers!)

(The heavy metal guitar riffs rip through the House of Blues as clouds of smoke billow up on the stage in front of the entryway!)

“I am a Viking! I’m going out to war! I’ve got death upon my miiiiiiiiiiind!”

(CUTTO: The smoky stage, and there he is – OLVIR ARSVINNAR! The room loses it, OLVIR throwing his battle ax to the air, letting out the Viking war cry, and the room doing it back at him! ARSVINNAR power-stomps in his big brown leather boots trimmed with fresh roadkill down the mini-ramp towards the ring, the railbird fans grabbing all over his wolf’s hide loin cloth, and his He-man-esque brown leather torso straps, Mandalay Bay black-suit security trying to clear the way for OLVIR! OLVIR gets to the apron, surveys the crowd, then lifts his mead horn high for all to see, and chugs the ale to the last drop! OLVIR throws the mead cup into the crowd, nearly causing a riot as fans jump all over it! ARSVINNAR grabs ahold of his Viking helmet, high-steps it over the top ropes into the ring, and throws both helmet and battle ax to the air with another Viking scream, the crowd marking for it all!)

SMITH (V/O): “Viking porn!”
MAYES (V/O): “Olvir is seen by many, especially here in the crowd, as the odds-on favorite to win the World Title here tonight, SIR Simon!”
SMITH (V/O): “I may have a soft spot for the movies, Mayes-“
MAYES (V/O): “Soft spot? Um.”
SMITH (V/O): “This is no time for jokes, Mr. Viagra, let me finish! There was too much money going on Olvir at the book, and one of my rules is to never bet where the Joe fan money is going – I had to lay off his line!”
MAYES (V/O): “As his song says, you’re a fool and you don’t know! Olvir has DOMINATED his competition on his way into tonight’s 4-Way Match.”
SMITH (V/O): “I found someone better and at a better price!”
MAYES (V/O): “Just like with the craps…”
SMITH (V/O): “Stop!”

(OLVIR high-steps it around the ring, WEB BROWSER still in his corner, now looking at OLVIR from the peripheral, a grimace on his face, still quasi-stretching in his corner. OLVIR stops and looks BROWSER up and down, who pops out of his quasi-stretching to peer right back at OLVIR.)

MAYES (V/O): “Our competitors are itching, but we have two yet to come…”

(MUSIC UP: “National Anthem of Poland”)

(The House of Blues gets NASTY, the boo-birds coming out of hiding, raining down at the first note of the anthem!)

SMITH (V/O): “This is my man, RIGHT HERE, Mayes! At 8 to 1, it was a HYOOGE steal! I couldn’t believe it!”

(CUTTO: The curtain, and out straps down and with a sneer on his face is HANS NOWAK, the room giving him hell! Out from behind NOWAK comes MISS ANN, dressed to the nines in her slutty Eastern European business finest – skimpy white sheer three-button top revealing her flat stomach, with much red color popping from her bra underneath, red mini-skirt, red strappy heels, her blonde hair all tied back and done up, black librarian glasses – and she scratches her man’s arm, teasing him toward the ring! HANS hovers behind her, slowly pulling up the straps on his half-white/half-red ode-to-the-Poland-flag singlet, the colors meeting right down the middle, everything coming together at the Polish Falcon crest on his stomach!)

MAYES (V/O): “Do I even want to know how much money you put on Hans?”
SMITH (V/O): “Enough to retire!”
MAYES (V/O): “Hans had a controversial road to get into the 4-Way Match-“
SMITH (V/O): “Stop right there! Don’t you understand how BIG and STRONG this man is? He may be a little lacking upstairs, but it’s damn near impossible to do significant damage to him if you can’t get him off the ground!”
MAYES (V/O): “He was getting taken off his feet in his semi-final match, but the help of Miss Ann saved him from-“
SMITH (V/O): “Details, schmetails, he won! And he’s going to WIN – TONIGHT… for the BOTH of US!”

(HANS NOWAK climbs into the ring, and immediately gets into a nose-to-upper-chest staredown with OLVIR ARSVINNAR, the crowd jumping like bandits! WEB BROWSER hovers behind the two of them from the camera’s view, eyeing the situation closely, seemingly doing calculations in his head, or still trying to adjust his eyes to the bright lights! Referee CESAR MARTINEZ gets in between OLVIR and HANS, holding them back, try as he might! MISS ANN hovers around ringside, looking attentively at the situation.)

MAYES (V/O): “They’re ready to go at it!”
SMITH (V/O): “Well, what are we waiting for?”
MAYES (V/O): “Our last competitor!”

(The lights dim in the House of Blues, red strobe lights shooting out of the LVW “Welcome to Las Vegas”-esque logo above the red curtain!)

(MUSIC UP: “Bat Country” – Avenged Sevenfold)

(The honeys in the crowd start to shriek, the guys cheering loud, lifting their drinks to the air!)

(CUTTO: The stage, and out through the red curtain comes “Cowboy” JAMES DONOVAN, pumping his fists to the roars of the crowd! DONOVAN, in new platinum/silver tights with “DONOVAN” in black on the seat, platinum/silver kneepads and elbow pads, and his black boots with platinum/silver tassles flowing off the tops, grabs the cowboy hat off his head and lifts his arms high in the air, taking in all the marking out! With a canary smile on his face, DONOVAN heads down the mini-ramp, a rush of random bras, panties, and room keys being thrown his way, guys also slapping his hand, ready to buy him a drink! DONOVAN gets to ringside and soaks it all in, MISS ANN seen on the next side of the ring brushing up against the apron, giving DONOVAN an interested glance! DONOVAN looks up into the ring, and finds HANS NOWAK, OLVIR ARSVINNAR, and WEB BROWSER all looking down at him from various distances, all three trying to keep eyes on each other as well! DONOVAN slowly throws his knee up onto the apron, gently getting into the ring, keeping an eye on all three, no four of them!)

MAYES (V/O): “Can you FEEL IT, SIR Simon!”
SMITH (V/O): “Feel what? The disdain of having to have to hear this hillbilly crying over his lost slut, dedicating this match to a dime-a-dozen hooker?”
MAYES (V/O): “No, this room, it’s electric!”
SMTIH (V/O): “Sure, avoid the facts when I tell them to you!”
MAYES (V/O): “James Donovan may have dedicated this match to Fabiola, but he’ll have to worry about getting revenge for that another time – right here, TONIGHT, he’s going for the World Heavyweight Title, and has three big-time opponents staring him down!”
SMITH (V/O): “And you think he can just brush that off? I don’t think so, Mayes!”
MAYES (V/O): “Folks… we’re ready to go. Up to Jerry Harwell for the introductions!”


“FIRST, to my left… He hails from… (JERRY looks interestingly at his card, then gently nods his head, seemingly in approval) …he hails tonight from the PENTHOUSE SUITE, here, at MANDALAY BAY! (Crowd cheers knowingly! BROWSER drops his head, shyly.) Weighing in at TWO hundred and forty-five pounds… HERE HE IS… THE WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHB BROOOOOOOOOWWWWW-SERRRRRRRRRRR! (Crowd cheers loud!)”

“NEXT… he hails from SAINT JOHN’S, NEWFOUNDLAND, CANADA! (Room gets louder!) Weighing in at three hundred and eleven pounds… HE IS… the VIKING PORNSTAR! HE IS… OL-VIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ARS-VI-NARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (The HOB goes nuts, OLVIR bellows out another Viking roar!)”

“NEXT… he hails from Bia Rawska, Poland! (BOOS!) Tonight, weighing in at well over three-hundred pounds of pure muscle! (HANS snarls!) Led to the ring by MISS ANN! (Catcalls!) HE IS… THE POLISH WAR MACHINE… HE IS… HANNNNNNNSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-WAK! (The crowd boos LOUD, HANS points at one of the tuxedo-wearing fans in the front row, spitting words!)”

“AND FINALLY! (Cheers!) He hails from Enid, Oklahoma! Weighing in at TWO hundred and forty-seven pounds… HERE HE IS… (Crowd gets loud!) THE VEGAS COWBOY… JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMESSSSSSSS DONNNNNNNN-O-VAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN! (The women shriek loudly, the guys cheering as well!)

“Your referee for the World Heavyweight Championship Match is Cesar Martinez!”

(CESAR MARTINEZ lifts the cranberry-red strapped LVW World Heavyweight Championship belt to the sky, the platinum and multi-color diamonds sparkling off of it, the “LVW” logo spinning a bit, for all to see! CESAR goes to the four wrestlers, one by one, showing them what they are fighting for!)

MAYES: “That is what they are fighting for, the LVW World Heavyweight Championship!”
SMITH: “C’mon ref, let’s get this thing started!”
MAYES: “Feeling the anticipation?”
SMITH: “I’m 60 minutes away from having enough dough for hookers and blow for a full year, hell yes I am, Mayes!”
MAYES: “Cesar Martinez gives the ringside attendant that beautiful belt, and all four wrestlers – Hans, Olvir, Donovan, Web Browser – are all ready to go, all eyeing each other down, Miss Ann on the outside, I don’t trust her out there…”

(SFX: Bell ringing, and the crowd gives a loud cheer! A giant clock appears on the balcony and begins counting down from 60:00)



MAYES: “And we are underway for the LVW World Title! Browser attacks Donovan and Hans goes with him, the two men hammering away on Donovan who’s trying to fight back…Olvir now hammers Hans from behind and the two of them trading shots.”

SMITH: “Finally Mayes! Finally we’re going to have a champion, and it’s going to be the BEAST in the Red and White of Poland!”

MAYES: Donovan hammering Browser and he WHIPS Browser into Hans! Both men stagger…DONOVAN WITH A ROLL UP ON BROWSER! ONE! TWO! NO! Olvir breaks it up!”

SMITH: “That idiot whore addict nearly STOLE a cheap pin!”

MAYES: “If Hans got a pin like that you would be crowing about how smart he is…Donovan now hammering away on Olvir while Browser is trying to get his wits about him, and Hans now with a HARD shoulderblock sends Browser to the floor and follows him outside…”

SMITH: “Beat the web geek’s skull in and then pin him a few hundred times and get the belt!”

MAYES: “Donovan still peppering Olvir with right hands and he kicks the big man in the gut to double him off…Donovan off the ropes with a KICK TO THE HEAD of Olvir and the big man is staggering…Donovan hooks him…BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX! He covers! ONE! TWO! NO! Olvir kicks out!”

SMITH: “Donovan might have gotten the idiot Viking off his feet but he can’t pull off a move like that to Hans, he’s just to massive!”

MAYES: “I don’t know about that Smith…Olvir staggering to his feet while on the outside Hans just THREW Browser into the railing! The power of the Polish War Machine is just unreal!”

SMITH: “And that’s why I got him at 7 to 1…Steal of the century and the lock of the year baby!”

MAYES: “Donovan whips Olvir into the corner and now he’s going to the second rope and hammers away (Crowd counting along!) 1! 2! 3! 4! 5! 6! 7! 8! 9! 10! Right hands! Olvir is on dream street and Donovan with a BIG hiptoss just send the big man sailing into the middle of the ring…Donovan now waiting on Olvir…Wait a second…Hans just grabbed Donovan by the legs and dragged him to the outside! Donovan and Hans now trading shots…Browser now seeing the chance he’s climbing the ropes…He’s up top!”

SMITH: “He’s a danger to himself and everyone in this building!”

MAYES: “Olvir catches him…BIG TIME SLAM OFF THE TOP! Olvir still a bit groggy but he stumbles over and covers Browser! ONE! TWO!...NO! Browser just kicked out!”

SMITH: “Dammit Browser! If you’re going to make mistakes and nearly get yourself pinned do it against Hans!”

MAYES: “Hans grabs Donovan and whips him into the steps…NO! Reversal by Donovan! (SFX: Metal clanging) and Hans hits the STEEL steps hard! Hans staggers as Donovan now gets back into the ring and he is throwing BIG TIME right hands into the face of Olvir! Olvir now firing back and Donovan staggering…Donovan just grabbed Olvir by the trunks and sent him to the floor! Olvir hits the floor and Hans is all over him stomping away!”

SMITH: “Beat his ass! We need maiming Hans! Don’t ever stop beating on any of them!”

MAYES: “Donovan and Browser now going at it in the ring…Donovan whips Browser into the ropes…BIG BACKDROP! Browser hits hard and staggers to his feet…PICTURE PERFECT DROPKICK BY DONOVAN! (Crowd pops!) Donovan covers! ONE! TWO!...NO! Browser kicks out!”

SMITH: “AHH! Come on Hans, quit fighting the stupid Viking and get in the ring! We can’t let either of these sex crazed ninnies win the World Title!”

MAYES: “Sir Simon Smith, member of the Christian Right is here for color…Donovan pulls Browser up and hooks him…SUPLEX…And he’s holding Browser up for a good long time before FINALLY dropping him hard to the mat…The cover! ONE! TWO!..NO! Browser again kicks out!”

SMITH: “I never thought I’d say this but thank goodness for Browser!”

MAYES: “You are if nothing else a man of conflicting interests Sir Simon…Donovan continues to hammer Browser while Olvir and Hans are brawling on the floor…Donovan now off the ropes…HUGE CLOTHESLINE!”

SMITH: “That’s Browser’s job!”

MAYES: “Donovan now getting ready, he’s going to try to plant Browser…Browser to his feet…DONOVAN HAS HIM UP…OKLAHOMA STAMPEDE! NO! BROWSER PUSHED HIM INTO THE CORNER! Browser slid off Donovan’s shoulder and threw him into the corner…Donovan staggers backwards…SAFE MODE! BROWSER HAS THE SLEEPER ON DONOVAN!”

SMITH: “Put him out! PUT HIM OUT!”

MAYES: “Donovan is fighting it…JAWBREAKER! Donovan drops down and now both men are laid out in the ring…Hans now DRIVES Olvir’s head into the STEEL steps and he’s in the ring…Browser staggers to his feet…CHOKESLAM! CHOKESLAM! HANS JUST PLANTED HIM! HANS COVERS! ONE! TWO!...THREE! NO! DONOVAN BROKE IT UP! (Crowd pops!)

SMITH: “NO! NO! It’s so unfair!”

MAYES: “Oh quit your crying…Browser rolls to the floor as Donovan is continuing to put the boots to Hans…Donovan gets Hans to his feet and drills him with a couple of rights…Donovan off the ropes…Shoulderblock…DONOVAN GOES DOWN!”

SMITH: “Like running into a brick wall!”

MAYES: “Hans acting like a bug just hit a his windshield just staring down, glaring down at Donovan, who gets back up and charges him again…AND CRASHES TO THE MAT AGAIN!”

SMITH: “Oh Baby! It’s rough sledding now isn’t it you hick?! The Polish War Machine means business!”

MAYES: “Hans now pulling Donovan up by his hair and just slings him into the corner like he’s a feather! Hans driving a series of knees into the gut of Donovan and now measuring him…BIG kick to the gut…ANOTHER! Donovan crumples to the mat…Hans now pulls Donovan up and locks in a BEARHUG in the middle of the ring!”

SMITH: “BREAK HIM! Crush his ribs into a fine ashen powder!”

MAYES: “Hans just squeezing for all he’s worth…Olvir back in the ring and a BIG BOOT to Hans breaks the hold (Crowd pops) Hans is staggered…Olvir off the ropes…ANOTHER BIG BOOT DROPS THE BIG MAN! OLVIR COVERS! ONE! TWO!...NO! Hans kicked out!”

SMITH: “It’s a plot, it’s a conspiracy against the Polish, it’s not right! Why do they all gang up on Hans?! Do they all hate me?!”

MAYES: “Oh I’m sure everyone’s worried about you…Olvir now trying to pick Hans up…Browser out of nowhere jumps on his back…SAFE MODE! HE’S GOT THE SLEEPER ON OLVIR!”

SMITH: “It’s dreamland for Mr. Viking Porn!”

MAYES: “Olvir trying to get Browser off his back but he has the sleeper sunk in deep…Olvir down to one knee…I think he might be out! Referee Cesar Martinez now checking Olvir’s arm…It drops once! He checks it again…It drops twice! He lifts the arm up for a third time…DONOVAN BREAKS IT UP!”

SMITH: “That no good butt-in-ski! If anyone’s going to get a fall that isn’t Hans it might as well be Browser…Hell he hates Donovan almost as much as I do!”

MAYES: “Hans now getting up and he’s hammering away on Donovan…Both Browser and Olvir are laid out on the mat…We’re at the 12 minute mark into this match and nobody’s gotten a pin yet…Hans now throws Donovan into the corner and now a series of shoulderblocks to the gut of Donovan…The Cowboy now whipped to the other corner…HE EXPLODES OUT WITH A CLOTHESLINE! (Crowd pops) Hans was DROPPED by that shot! Hans quickly back to his feet…Donovan off the ropes…Elbow to the head staggers Hans…Donovan going for a slam! NO! Hans drills him with a right hand to the back and puts a stop to that!”

SMITH: “Donovan must have a screw loose if he thinks he’s going to slam Hans…I mean, that’s like picking every 5 to win in the first round.”

MAYES: “I’ve heard you’re dead money of the highest order in those things.”

SMITH: “Texas all the way baby!”

MAYES: “Oh dear…Hans now bashing away on Donovan with right hands…He’s now got him up…FALLING POWERSLAM he just DROPPED himself on top of Donovan and CRUSHED him! The cover! ONE! TWO!...THREE! NO! DONOVAN GOT HIS FOOT ON THE ROPES!”

SMITH: “AHHH! Even the REFS are against me!”

MAYES: “Or Cesar is calling a fair match right down the middle, it COULD be that also! Hans and Miss Ann getting on Cesar’s case…Browser and Olvir getting up now…OLVIR DRILLED BROWSER WITH A CLOTHESLINE SENDING HIM OVER THE TOP TO THE FLOOR!”

SMITH: “Oh Browser, we hardly knew ye.”

MAYES: “Olvir and Hans now going at it again…Both men trading shots…Hans lifts up Olvir…Inverted atomic drop! BLOCKED! Olvir uses the moment to connect with a series of kicks to the stomach of Hans and now rapid fire rights and lefts to the chin of the Polish War Machine…Hans looks out on his feet as Olvir now off the ropes with a BIG BOOT! NO! HANS SIDE STEPS! He’s got Olvir by the throat…CHOKESLAM! NO! Olvir breaks that up with a series of Elbows to the jaw of Hans…Hans staggers and now both men run to opposite sides of the ring…DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE! BOTH MEN HIT THE MAT HARD!”

SMITH: “Did the ring just BOUNCE or am I seeing things?!”

MAYES: “I don’t know but it was a SICKENING impact of these two huge men crashing down on the mat! Both men are down and they may be out…Donovan now trying to crawl over to the prone body of Olvir…He drapes an arm over him…ONE! TWO!...THREE! NO! NO! WAIT A MINUTE MISS ANN JUST PUT OLVIR’S FOOT ON THE BOTTOM ROPE!”

SMITH: “HA! What a smart lady! ANYTHING to prevent a pin.”

MAYES: Donovan getting up and he looks outraged at Miss Ann…BROWSER OUT OF NOWHERE! He just DRILLED Donovan with a knee in the back driving him into the corner…SAFE MODE HE’S GOT IT ON DONOVAN! DONOVAN’S FIGHTING FOR ALL HE’S WORTH!”

SMITH: “Both the other men are out! Donovan’s in a world of trouble!”

MAYES: “Donovan trying to fight the hold…WAIT! BROWSER WITH A ROLL UP! ONE! TWO!…THREE! HE GOT HIM!”

(Crowd groans!)

HARWELL: “The winner of the Fall…WEB BROWSER!!”

(BROWSER gets a mixed reaction for scoring the pin, since he pinned DONOVAN to do it, more boos then cheers fill the House of Blues.)

MAYES: “It’s been 18 minutes and we have our first pinfall of the match, as Web Browser has jumped out to an early lead…He covers Donovan again! ONE! TWO!...THREE! NO! DONOVAN KICKS OUT! He covers him AGAIN! ONE! TWO!...NO! Donovan kicks out AGAIN! Browser now drops a series of elbows on Donovan and covers again! ONE! TWO!...NO! HANS BREAKS IT UP!”

SMITH: “Whew! I mean, I like Browser in that he’s not Donovan or Olvir, but let’s get serious here, there’s money on the line and I need my horse to get into the race!”

MAYES: “Hans now hammering on Browser…He throws him into the corner…Olvir now up and BOTH MEN are kicking the daylights out of Browser in the corner…They whip Browser to the other corner…He stumbles out…FLAPJACK!”

SMITH: “It clearly doesn’t pay to be the lead dog in this pack! Browser is getting mauled for jumping out to an early lead!”

MAYES: Donovan now up and HE’S joining in on the ‘Kill Browser’ group…He drops a series of elbows on Browser…Now all THREE men standing over Browser and stomping away on him!”

SMITH: “They are going to form a circle around him, and kick him till he dies!”

MAYES: “Browser being just mauled…And now Hans calls off the other two and he scoops up Browser…PRESS SLAM! He’s going to go for the double stomp to complete the HANS ATTACK! NO! DROPKICK BY DONOVAN ON HANS! And a dropkick on Olvir by Donovan!”

SMITH: “Miserable backbiting betrayer!”

MAYES: “Donovan now with a cover on Browser! ONE! TWO!...THREE! NO! HANS BROKE IT UP! AND HANS…IS…PISSED!!!”

SMITH: “The Cowboy may have just had his last ride!”

MAYES: “Browser rolls to the floor after that mugging he just suffered and Donovan now being pounded on by Hans…Olvir getting up…HANS WITH A POLISH HAMMER JUST KNOCKED OLVIR SILLY!”

SMITH: “The War Machine is on the War Path Mayes!”

MAYES: “Olvir just fell through the ropes and hit the floor HARD…Hans now screaming for Donovan to get up…Donovan gets to his feet gingerly…AND GETS SCOOPED UP!!! OH NO!!! PRESS SLAM DROPPING HIM FACE FIRST...He kicks him over onto his back…DOUBLE STOMP TO THE GUT! HANS ATTACK! THE COVER! ONE! TWO!...THREE!”

HARWELL: “The winner of the fall, typing Web Browser for the Lead…HANS...NOWAK!!”

(Crowd boos loudly!)

MAYES: “Hans just CRUSHED Donovan and now he’s even with Browser…Hans now going for another cover on Donovan…ONE! TWO! NO! OLVIR BROKE IT UP! Olvir now pulling Hans to his feet and drilling him with right hands…Hans staggering…OLVIR OFF THE ROPES WITH A BIG FOOT! HANS CRASHES TO THE FLOOR!”
SMITH: “He LANDED on Browser! The geek just got squashed flatter then a pancake!”

MAYES: “Olvir now over to the prone body of Donovan…Olvir grabs him…OH LORD! OH MY! HE’S GOT HIM UP!!! NORDIC BOMB!! NORDIC BOMB!!! HE JUST PLANTED DONOVAN!!! ONE! TWO!…THREE!”

SMITH: “Donovan is DEAD! HE IS DEAD!”

HARWELL: “The winner of the fall and moving into a three way tie for first…OLVIR ARSVINNAR!”

(Crowd pops)

MAYES: “Olvir now covers Donovan again! ONE! TWO! HANS BREAKS IT UP! Hans now all over Olvir as Donovan, with whatever energy he has left falls to the floor to try to escape the beating he’s just taken…”

SMITH: “It’s to bad we don’t have a body bag at ringside to put him in.”

MAYES: “We have a little over 40 minutes left and in the last 5 minutes we’ve had a flurry of pins…Everyone’s gotten on the board at the expense of the Cowboy…And now Hans and Olvir are in the ring glaring at each other…Hans is calling for a Test Of Strength!”

SMITH: “Olvir would be a fool to accept!”

MAYES: “They lock hands and it begins! Both men fighting and straining to get the other man to the mat…Hans drives Olvir down to one knee, and now he’s down to both knees…Hans wrenching the hold in…Olvir trying to fight it.”

(Crowd starts stomping and clapping.)

SMITH: “Hans is going to score his second fall when he submits this idiot Viking who foolishly agreed to put himself in this position!”

MAYES: “Olvir is up to one knee! Hans lets out a yell and tries to push him back down, but Olvir won’t be denied…He’s shaking that leg he’s getting fired up by this crowd…AND HE’S BACK TO HIS FEET! OLVIR NOW TWISTING HANS’S WRISTS…The big man is going to go down…BROWSER WITH A KNEE TO THE BACK OF OLVIR SENDS HIM CRASHING INTO HANS! BROWSER ROLLS UP OLVIR! ONE! TWO!…THREE! NO! NO! OLVIR KICKED OUT!”

SMITH: “Dammit Browser! Hans was just giving Olvir false hope before CRUSHING it out of him!”

MAYES: “Oh…Give me a break…Browser now dropping a series of elbows on Olvir and now he charges Hans…Ugly looking dropkick to Hans staggers the big man!”

SMITH: “Man that guy puts the slop in sloppy.”

MAYES: “Olvir getting to his feet as Browser now hits him with a couple of right hands and is going for a suplex…Olvir blocks it…Another…NO! OLVIR WITH A SUPLEX! HE SUPLEXES BROWSER OUT TO THE FLOOR!”


SMITH: “I don’t know why Olvir got rid of Browser, cause now he’s going to have to face the Polish War Machine!”

MAYES: “Hans and Olvir trading right hands in the middle of the ring as this crowd is going crazy! These two giants hammering each other…Olvir is staggered…Hans whips him to the ropes…Clothesline is ducked by Olvir…Olvir comes back the other way…SPEAR BY OLVIR HE JUST DRILLED HANS! OLVIR COVERS! ONE! TWO! NO! Hans kicked out!”

SMITH: “Fluke! Fluke! Come on Hans, get after him!”

MAYES: “Olvir hammering away on Hans, while on the outside, Browser has mounted Donovan and is beating the stuffing out of him!”

SMITH: “Browser said he didn’t care about this title, he really just wants to maim Donovan, and he’s getting his wish!”

MAYES: “Olvir picks Hans up…He’s going to try to slam him…NO! HANS FALLS ON OLVIR! ONE! TWO!…THREE! NO! OLVIR KICKED OUT!”

SMITH: “These idiots keep trying to lift this man off the ground, it’s impossible!”

MAYES: “Oh just shut up! Hans now with the advantage and he gets Olvir up and whips him into the corner…Hans walks in and a CLOTHESLINE rocks Olvir’s head back and he looks glassy eyed…Hans now with a series of knees to the gut and now a series of chops!


SMITH: “Beat the idiot Viking into the ground! Destroy him!”

MAYES: “Hans whips Olvir HARD into the other corner and the Viking drops to his knees in agony…Hans walking over with a cocky swagger and now just KICKS Olvir right in THE HEAD…Olvir hit’s the mat hard and Hans covers! ONE! TWO! NO! Olvir kicks out just in time!”

SMITH: “Oh come Hans…Lift this big goof over your head, throw him to the mat and beat his ass dead!”

MAYES: “Hans now pulls Olvir up and lifts him…BACKBREAKER…And now Hans just bending Olvir over his knee trying to make him submit!”

SMITH: “Break his back! Maim him!”

MAYES: “Olvir trying to fight out of this hold…He can’t expect any help from Browser, who seems content to beat on Donovan who’s still on the outside…Olvir is struggling with Hans who’s just mauling him…Olvir with a series of right hands to the face of Hans finally gets the big man to let go of the hold!”

SMITH: “Bah…Why can nothing ever be easy for me, I had to go into the hole nearly 10 large before the Roulette wheel finally admitted who was the boss and I could finish the night up 4 grand.”

MAYES: “One of these nights the wheel is going to decide that it is the boss, Sir Simon…”

SMITH: “No shot!”

MAYES: “Hans now CLUBS Olvir with a forearm and another, and now he locks in a BEARHUG, continuing to attack the back of the Viking!”

SMITH: “He’s such a smart wrestler on top of being one of the strongest, now if only he’s have that deal with Miss Ann like that Russian guy on the Jazz has…”

MAYES: “you want to sleep with Hans?!”

SMITH: “No Miss Ann you idiot! Don’t they both have that one night stand free pass thing?!”

MAYES: “I have no idea…Olvir again being pushed to the brink by the massive arms of the Polish War Machine…Hans squeezing for all he’s worth on Olvir…Browser…Well I don’t even know if he’s noticing there’s action in the ring as he’s just NUTS in his quest to beat on Donovan, as he’s just dropped the Cowboy THROAT FIRST on the Steel railing!”

SMITH: “Maybe I could become a Browser fan after all, I’ve always liked Weird Al.”

MAYES: “You’re weird…Olvir now with a headclap, and another! A third, and he’s finally broken free of the bear hug! Hans is staggered and Olvir now slugs away on him with a series of right hands…Browser has finally given up on his quest to destroy Donovan and he’s hammering away on Olvir now with right hands…The two men go off the ropes and a DOUBLE SHOULDERBLOCK rocks Hans backwards…They go off the ropes again…WAIT! MISS ANN JUST TRIPPED OLVIR! Olvir storming to the outside chasing Miss Ann! Browser sees what happened to Olvir and stops short…AND HANS GETS HIM BY THE NECK! OH NO! CHOKESLAM! CHOKESLAM ON BROWSER! THE COVER! ONE! TWO!…THREE!”

HARWELL: “The winner of the fall and taking the lead in the match…HANS NOWAK!”

(Crowd boos loudly!)

SMITH:“That idiot Olvir didn’t even notice the pin was happening he was so busy chasing after Miss Ann! Ha! Now Hans has a strangle hold on both Browser, AND this match!”

MAYES: “Hans now has 2 falls, Browser and Olvir are tied at a fall each and Donovan has been crushed and is currently shut out.”

SMITH: “Speak the truth Mayes, my bet, my pick, is going all the way!”

MAYES: “We are nearly half way through this match…Hans now stomping away on Browser and covers him again…ONE! TWO! NO! OLVIR BREAKS IT UP! Olvir finally gave up on the chase of Miss Ann and stopped Hans from getting a 2 fall lead in this match!”

SMITH: “Bah, why did he have to pick NOW to get smart?”

MAYES: “Now Olvir dropping elbows on the back of Hans who’s trying to get up to his feet…Hans gets up but continues to be pounded on by Olvir who’s just smashing his face with right hands…Hans staggers back into the ropes and now gets whipped to the other side…BIG BOOT by Olvir and Hans staggers…Olvir lets out a growl and a winds up…Mjolnir-Blow! He just decked the big man and he covers! ONE! TWO!...THREE! NO! NO! BROWSER BROKE IT UP!”

SMITH: “Whew! Great save Browser!”

MAYES: “Browser stomping away on Olvir who took an elbow by Browser hard to the back of the head…Olvir now dragged to his feet by Browser who kicks him in the gut…Browser off the ropes…BULLDOGS OLVIR DOWN! He covers! ONE! TWO! NO! OLVIR KICKS OUT!”

SMITH: “Get up Hans! Dammit, we can’t be having any fluke pins screw things up now! Get up you big oaf!”

MAYES: “Hans is starting to get up…Browser charges him…STIFF CLOTHESLINE! Hans knocked off balance by that shot…He drops to one knee…Browser off the ropes…KICK TO THE HEAD…Hans falls to his back! Browser dives on top of him with the cover! ONE! TWO!...NO! Hans POWERS out of the pin!”

SMITH: “Get this clueless moron away from Hans! He’s a menace to everyone!”

MAYES: “Hans is trying to get up as Olvir comes over and hammers away with right hands to the face of Browser…Browser now thrown into the corner by Olvir who kicks away at him…Hans getting up…And Olvir now grabs Hans and whips him INTO BROWSER! And now Olvir backs into the corner…AVALANCHE INTO BOTH MEN! OH MY!”

SMITH: “He just mashed Browser into jelly!”

MAYES: “Hans staggers and falls to the mat…Browser just falls lifeless to the mat…Olvir covers Browser…ONE! TWO!...THREE! NO! NO! MY GOODNESS HOW DID HE KICK OUT?!”

SMITH: “He’s stupid and useless but he’s clearly tough!”

MAYES: “Olvir now pulls Browser into the middle of the ring…He’s got him hooked for The Nordic Bomb! HE’S GOT HIM UP! HANS JUST HIT OLVIR FROM BEHIND! BROWSER CRASHES ON TOP OF OLVIR’S CHEST! THE COVER! ONE! TWO! NO! OLVIR KICKS OUT!”

SMITH: “What a joke that would have been if Browser had stolen a fall that way! I mean Hans did all the work for him!”

MAYES: “Hey, any way you can get a pin you take it in this match, the stakes are too high…Hans now stomping away on both Browser and Olvir…Hans picks Browser up and throws him to the ropes…Browser comes back and gets lifted up…AND SPINEBUSTERED DOWN! Hans covers! ONE! TWO!...THREE! NO! NO! Browser somehow got the shoulder up, as Hans now glares at Cesar!”

SMITH: “I know the ref is bias against Hans cause I got money on him, I accept this…LVW exists totally to shame and hurt me, so well Hans, you just have to suck it up and make it IMPOSSBLE for them to screw you by beating everyone to death!”

MAYES: “Oh you’re a joke, the man is LEADING in the match, HOW can it be rigged against him?!”

SMITH: “I-I...I…Well you just SAW that last pin! I could have counted to twenty!”

MAYES: “Browser kicked out, just shut up…Hans now gets over to Olvir and drills him with a right hand before he gets himself to his feet…Olvir staggers back into a corner Hans measuring him and drives a shoulder into his gut…And another! Hans with a chop (Whoo!) and another (Whoo!) and Olvir is rocked…Hans now with a right hand…Blocked! A right by Olvir! Another…Hans staggers…INTO A SCHOOLBOY BY BROWSER! ONE! TWO!....NO! OLVIR BREAKS IT UP!”

SMITH: “Man, Browser is just the king of the cheap fall attempt! If I didn’t have so much money on my man Hans I might almost respect that!”

MAYES: “I’m sure Browser lays awake at night hoping he has your respect Sir Simon…Olvir and Hans now on their feet and trading punches with Browser now getting to his feet…WAIT! DONOVAN ROLLS UP BROWSER! ONE! TWO!...NO! BROWSER JUST KICKED OUT!”

SMITH: “Where the HELL did he come from?!”

MAYES: “James Donovan who had been left for dead just hit the ring and NEARLY got on the board…Hans now DECKS Donovan with a Clothesline! And now the Polish War Machine is going to the floor…Wait a minute, what’s he doing, he’s got a table, he just threw the table into the ring!”

SMITH: “It’s time to really turn up the brutality!”

MAYES: “Hans now setting up that table in the ring…Olvir over to try to stop him…Hans with a series of right hands staggers Olvir…HANS SLAMS OLVIR HARD TO THE MAT! WHAT POWER!”

SMITH: “Olvir’s over 300 pounds and Hans just scooped him up like he was a feather!”

MAYES: “Browser gets a kick to the skull for his troubles and now Hans grabs Donovan and he puts him on the table…Oh no…OH NO! Hans is up top…HE’S GOING TO SPLASH DONOVAN THROUGH THE TABLE!”


MAYES: “WAIT! Browser is up and he’s caught Hans! The two men now trading punches on the ropes…And now Olvir is over, Olvir and Browser have Hans rocked! They are trying to Superplex him off the top rope!”

SMITH: “Good luck with that!”

MAYES: “Donovan now gets himself off the table, and he’s going over…All three men now hook up Hans…(SFX: Table shattering) OH MY!! SUPERPLEX THROUGH THE TABLE!! ALL FOUR MEN ARE DOWN AND OUT!!”


SMITH: “They ALL used the table on Hans, ALL of them should be DQ’ed and Hans should be awarded three falls!”

MAYES: “He brought the table into the ring, so it’s his problem if it got used on him, and besides the net would kill us over the DQ thing...Donovan crawls over to Hans and just throws himself on top of him…ONE! TWO!...THREE!!! HE GOT HIM!!”

(Crowd pops!)

HARWELL: “Here is the winner of the Fall…JAMES DONOVAN!”

MAYES: “Just under 20 minutes left, Hans leads with 2 pins, Browser, Olvir and Donovan now all have one fall apiece…Donovan covers Hans again! ONE! TWO!...NO! Hans kicks out! Donovan trying to get to his feet…He’s got a second wind and now he’s hammering away on Olvir while Cesar is getting the pieces of that table out of the ring.”

SMITH: “GET UP HANS! This is getting to tense…I respect him going for the home run and all, but now he’s made it that any of these three idiots with a fluke pin could tie him! This is terrible!”

MAYES: “Olvir is being rocked by a resurgent Donovan who whips him to the ropes…Backdrop by Donovan…NO! Olvir going for a sunset flip! NO! Donovan drops to his knees and grabs Olvir’s legs…HE’S GOT OLVIR TIED UP IN A KNOT! ONE! TWO!...THREE! NO! NO! BROWSER BROKE IT UP!”

SMITH: “SEE?! Did you SEE that?! This is to close…I need water…I need air…I can’t take this!”

MAYES: “Donovan now all over Browser, he whips him to the ropes…BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX! Donovan covers! ONE! TWO…THREE! NO! BROWSER KICKED OUT IN TIME!”

SMITH: “Why isn’t the clock running faster?! They rigged the clock to stop didn’t they?! Like when the Soviets screwed the Americans in that basketball game!”

MAYES: “You really need to calm down Sir Simon…Donovan is a one man wrecking crew…Hans now up and he takes a series of right hands from Donovan and is staggering…Miss Ann is SCREAMING at Hans…Hans hears her and he drops under the bottom rope and rolls to the outside…What is he doing?!”

SMITH: “Miss Ann is telling him to stay on the floor and just run in the ring to break pins, he’s got the lead and she wants him to sit on it, I’m not to sure about this Mayes, I never have been a fan of the prevent defense.”

MAYES: “Donovan yelling at Hans but now he turns his attention to Browser and continues beating on him…Browser whipped into the corner…Donovan charges…Browser catches him with a HARD BACK ELBOW as Donovan was coming in…Browser now with a STIFF CLOTHESLINE sends Donovan to the mat and he covers! ONE! TWO!...NO! HANS PUT DONOVAN’S FOOT ON THE ROPES!”

SMITH: “Well maybe this isn’t such a bad idea after all!”

MAYES: “Browser now drags Donovan more to the middle of the ring and drops an elbow on him…He covers…ONE! TWO!...NO! Donovan kicked out! Olvir now over and Browser’s trying to get a truce between the two of them to beat on Donovan and Olvir seems to agree to it…Both men whip Donovan into the ropes…DOUBLE TEAM HOTSHOT! Donovan down and clutching at his throat!”

SMITH: “Well it doesn’t matter if they can’t pin him, and clearly neither one of them will let the other get a fall, and Hans will be waiting also, so go ahead suckers, beat on him while the clock runs and gets me ever closer to the pay window!”

MAYES: “Browser now holds Donovan and Olvir kicking away on the midsection of the Cowboy…Browser now lets go and gets a running start from behind Donovan…AND BULLDOGS him to the mat!”

SMITH: “This night has been going bad for Donovan, if it keeps up he might end up wishing he’d been the one sawed in half!”

MAYES: “Browser now stomping on Donovan…OLVIR CLOCKS HIM! Olvir with the backstab and now he’s hammering away on Browser with right hands and CLOTHESLINES HIM OVER THE TOP TO THE FLOOR! Olvir now going back to Donovan…HANS GRABS DONOVAN! Hans just PULLED Donovan out of the ring by his leg…AND NOW RUNS DONOVAN BACK FIRST INTO THE RING POST!”

SMITH: “HA! What a smart move! Now there’s nobody in the ring for Olvir to pin! Miss Ann’s plan is working to perfection!”

MAYES: “Olvir now storms to the outside and Hans backs off…Olvir standing over Donovan, he doesn’t want to get to active in trying to get Donovan up knowing Hans could backjump him…Finally he gingerly scoops Donovan up while keeping an eye on Hans, who’s pleading all innocent as if he’d never DREAM of attacking Olvir…Donovan rolled back into the ring…Olvir gets back into the ring and he locks Donovan in a BEARHUG! Donovan lets out a scream…HANS IN THE RING LIKE A SHOT AND BREAKS IT UP!”

SMITH: “Hans knows Donovan is a born quitter, if he’d been in that hold more then 10 seconds he woulda cried uncle and given Olvir a tie!”

MAYES: “Olvir gets his bearings and he finally turns around but Hans is already back on the floor and just goading the Viking…Olvir looks steamed but there’s really not a lot he can do…He picks up Donova and locks him in a headlock…Donovan trying to fight it…This crowd is clapping…Trying to rally the Cowboy…Browser getting to his feet on the outside…Browser now up on the apron…Donovan with a series of elbows to the gut of Olvir finally breaks the hold and he pushes him into the ropes…OLVIR CRASHES INTO BROWSER…WHO FALLS INTO HANS!! DONOVAN WITH A CRADLE! ONE! TWO!...THREE!! NO! NO! OLVIR JUST KICKED OUT!!”

(Crowd groans)

SMITH: “AHHH! Oh that was close…My heart nearly stopped…This is worse then praying for a backdoor cover…WHY IS THERE STILL 15 MINUTES LEFT? THIS IS HELL!!”

MAYES: “15 minutes and 28 seconds!”

SMITH: “Oh shut up, everyone second is a dagger in my soul and you know it!”

MAYES: “Indeed I do…Hans stomping away on Browser in rage over the fact that he nearly cost him a chance to break up that pin…Donovan now gets Olvir back to his feet…BACKSLIDE BY DONOVAN! ONE! TWO!...HANS BREAKS IT UP! And Hans quickly gets to the outside right after doing so!”

SMITH: “The Polish War Machine is now a tactical genius, I bet he’s going to write the sequel to Art of War.”

MAYES: “Oh you’re to much…Donovan looking to Cesar about what Hans is doing, but if he was counted out, Cesar just sort of shrugs at Donovan in response…Donovan now yells at Hans to get in the ring, he’s even opening the ropes and INVITING him into the ring, but Hans just ignores him…”

(“Hans is a *****!” Clap…Clap…Clap-Clap-Clap (“Hans is a *****!” Clap…Clap…Clap-Clap-Clap.)

SMITH: “These swine! They can’t accept genius when they see it!”

MAYES: “I think this crowd is right to be on Hans’ case weather or not this is a smart move by him or not…Donovan now back to work on Olvir with right hands, hammering away on the big man, who’s staggering…Donovan whips him to the ropes…DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE…BOTH MEN DOWN!”

SMITH: “YES! Run the clock!”

MAYES: “Hans is thinking the exact same thing, pointing at the clock and now making the belt motion…Every second running off the clock is to Hans’ benefit…Browser now crawls into the ring as Donovan and Olvir start to get up…Browser hooks BOTH MEN…OH NO! DOUBLE DDT!!!”

SMITH: “Oh lord, we may need TWO AMBULANCES!”

MAYES: “Hans shoots into the ring and starts beating the daylights out of Browser with big right hands…Browser firing back on Hans…Hans racks Browser’s eyes and now throws him to the floor! Hans covers Donovan! ONE! TWO!...NO! Donovan kicks out! Hans covers Olvir! ONE! TWO!...NO! Olvir kicks out! Hans rolls to the floor after his bid for an insurance fall failed!”

SMITH: “It would have been nice, no doubt about it, but we’re still in good shape, WIND THE CLOCK! KEEP THEM IN BOUNDS!”

MAYES: “I think you’re getting your sports mixed up…Browser gets back to his feet and he gets into the ring as again both Donovan and Olvir are getting up…Browser hammers away on Donovan with right hands…Off the ropes…Kick to the gut doubles over Olvir…RUNNING KNEE LIFT BY BROWSER ROCKS OLVIR!”


MAYES: “Browser gets caught from behind by Donovan…INVERTED DDT! DONOVAN COVERS! ONE! TWO! NO! Donovan got up and Hans ends up driving a double ax handle into Browser’s face! Donovan stomping away on Hans who rolls to the floor…Donovan covers Browser again! ONE! TWO!...AGAIN HANS ENDS UP HITTING BROWSER! Donovan grabbing at Hans who’s fleeing the ring like a bat out of hell…Olvir grabs Donovan from behind…CURTAIN CALL! He just DRILLED him! OLVIR COVERS! ONE! TWO! NO! HANS JUST YANKED OLVIR OUT OF THE RING!”

SMITH: “Whew! Keep it going Hans, ignore all these haters in the crowd and the cheap stunts by Donovan and just keep riding this lead!”

MAYES: “Right now he is in fact just under 12 minutes away from winning the LVW World Title, but ANYONE can tie him with a pinfall…Olvir shoots Hans a look and heads back into the ring…OH MY! BROWSER KICKED THE ROPE AS OLVIR WAS GETTING INTO THE RING!”

SMITH: “Even I feel for Olvir on that one!”

MAYES: “Olvir crumples to the mat…Browser drags him to the middle of the ring and covers…ONE! TWO! NO! Browser jumps off him as Hans hits the ring and gets on Hans’ back…SAFE MODE! SAFE MODE ON HANS! Hans runs backwards and CRUSHES Browser into the corner! Donovan dives on top of Olvir! ONE! TWO! NO! OLVIR KICKS OUT! Hans was busy freeing himself from Browser and couldn’t have got there in time, but Olvir kicked out!”

SMITH: “Has Olvir even been pinned yet?!”

MAYES: “Now that you mention it, I don’t think he has been…Hans now having pried himself free from the clutches of Browser has once again taken up his position on the floor and is awaiting further action…Donovan gets Olvir up and DRILLS him with a chop (“Whoo!”) and now a series of chops! (“Whoos!”) Donovan pounding away on the big Viking…He throws him into the corner and kicks away at the midsection of Olvir…He goes over and grabs Browser and pulls him in…DOUBLE KNOGGIN KNOCKER!”

SMITH: “Not that they had much brains between them but that CAN’T be good for them!”

MAYES: “Browser stumbling around all loopy as Olvir falls in the corner…Donovan catches Browser with a BACK SUPLEX! And now he charges and DRILLS HANS WITH A BASEBALL SLIDE! Donovan rushes back to cover Browser! ONE! TWO!...NO! Browser kicked out!”

SMITH: “Even when he doesn’t break up the pin, the mere THREAT that he’ll do so makes people waste time before covering, Hans has got this thing on lockdown!”

MAYES: “There’s now 10 minutes left in this match…I can hear Sir Simon’s heart racing as we sit here…Donovan and picks Browser back up…And hooks him…SNAP SUPLEX! Donovan pulls Browser up and throws him over his shoulder…HE’S GOING FOR THE OKLAHOMA STAMPEDE! NO! OLVIR CAUGHT HIM WITH A KICK TO THE HEAD AS HE WAS RUNNING! BROWSER LANDS ON TOP OF DONOVAN! ONE! TWO!...THREE! NO! OLVIR AND HANS BREAK IT UP!”

SMITH: “AHHHH!!! That was only two right?! RIGHT?!”

MAYES: “I thought Hans had this thing on lockdown!”

SMITH: “DON’T TOY WITH ME MAYES! Jimmy Two Times knows people, Mikey Gumdrops could have you resting next to Hoffa if I give the word!”

MAYES: “Oh I’m sure of that…Hans back to the outside as Olvir and Browser are now battling in the ring…Browser staggers Olvir and now hooks him…SIDE RUSSIAN LEGSWEEP! Browser now stalking Olvir…Waiting for him to get up so he can once again get him in Safe Mode…”

SMITH: “Does the moron not know that Hans will run in and stop that from working?! I mean seriously!”

MAYES: “Maybe he’s got a plan for that also…Olvir’s up…SAFE MODE! NO! OLVIR COUNTERS WITH A STUNNER! Olvir falls on top of Browser! ONE! TWO!...NO! DAMMIT HANS BROKE IT UP AGAIN!”

SMITH: “HA! Victory is nigh!”

MAYES: “Hans’s tactics while underhanded are legal, and they clearly have been effective…We’re now down to 8 minutes in this match…Still Hans clings to that 1 fall lead over the rest of the pack…Donovan now gets up and drops a series of Elbows onto Olvir…Donovan and everyone in the ring look beat-up and tired, nearly an hour of combat has left these men in a bad way…Donovan picks Olvir up and throws him into the corner…OLVIR HITS HARD…FLYING CLOTHESLINE BY DONOVAN TAKES THE VIKING DOWN! HE COVERS! ONE! TWO!...THREE! NO! NO! DAMMIT HANS AGAIN WITH THE SAVE!”

SMITH: “Oh this is just the best, look at these fools killing themselves and for NOTHING! The Polish War Machine has outfought and outsmarted them all!”

MAYES: “The three men in the ring are just laying there trying to find some energy while Hans paces on the outside like a caged animal, he’s just waiting for the seconds to tick down to give him that title…All three men in the ring struggling to their feet now…Donovan is up and gets drilled from behind by a forearm from Web Browser…Donovan stumbles into a corner where Browser is now just CHOKING Donovan! Browser lets go of the choke and drives a series of shoulders into Donovan’s gut…He lifts Donovan up top and he’s hooking him up for a Superplex! NO! Hans held Donovan’s leg and Browser just crashed hard to the mat! Olvir rushes over for a cover! ONE! TWO…NO! DONOVAN OFF THE TOP WITH AN ELBOW TO THE BACK OF OLVIR’S HEAD! HE COVERS OLVIR! ONE! TWO!...THREE! NO! HANS BREAKS IT UP!”

SMITH: “That was crazy! But in the end, harmless! Whew!”

MAYES: “Hans covers Olvir! ONE! TWO!...THREE! NO! NO! OLVIR KICKS OUT! Down to 5 minutes left as Hans quickly gets himself back on the floor to make sure he’s out of the fray and ready for any pins…Now Browser gets up to his feet and he’s going to the outside…He’s going up top!”


MAYES: “BROWSER OFF THE TOP!! NOBODY HOME! I have NO idea who he was aiming for, but he missed by a foot on both Olvir and Donovan…Olvir now getting up and he’s waiting for either man to get up…Olvir revving up this crowd as he taps his foot and gets ready to kick somebody in the head…Browser getting to his feet first…Olvir springs…NO! Hans tripped him! Olvir hits face first on the mat! Browser stumbles over towards Olvir as he gets back up and the two men trade shots and now Olvir rocks Browser with a right and Olvir himself takes a few steps backwards…AND FLIPS HIMSELF OVER THE TOP TO THE FLOOR! OLVIR NOW BEATING THE HELL OUT OF HANS!”

SMITH: “WHAT?! WHY?! What is he DOING?!”

MAYES: “Olvir has finally had enough of Hans’ crap and is beating the hell out of him! Hans just got sent HARD to the STEEL ringpost! Olvir now SLAMS Hans’ head into the apron! In the ring Browser is waiting on Donovan to get up…He’s stalking him, ready for the Safe Mode!”

SMITH: “Is it getting hot in here? I need air conditioning, and a shot of whisky! Why is Olvir doing this to me?! WHY?!”
MAYES: “Because he wants to win the match and only by maiming Hans is he going to have a chance to get a pin…Donovan is up…SAFE MODE! NO! DONOVAN WITH A GO BEHIND! HE ROLLS UP BROWSER…ONE!...DONOVAN BRIDGES! TWO!...THREE!!! HE GOT HIM!!!”


(Crowd pops huge!)

HARWELL: “The winner of the fall and now tied for the lead in the match…JAMES DONOVAN!!!”

MAYES: “James Donovan, who’d been all but LEFT FOR DEAD at the start of this match is now tied with Hans for the lead with just over 2 minutes left in the match!”

SMITH: “Oh I’m gonna be sick, this is like when I put that huge wager on the Colts Money Line against the Steelers only to watch Vandershank blow it for me…I’m gonna puke!”

MAYES: “Hans and Olvir both charged the ring but were to late and now we’re tied at 2 falls for Hans and Donovan and one fall for Browser and Olvir…Hans is on the war path beating the hell out of Donovan…Hans has Donovan by the throat…CHOKESLAM! HE STUCK HIM LIKE A TACK! ONE! TWO!...NO! OLVIR BREAKS IT UP! Hans getting a taste of his own medicine!”


MAYES: “We’re at 90 seconds…And Hans staggers Olvir with a right hans…BROWSER JUMPS ON HANS’ BACK…SAFE MODE! HE’S GOT IT LOCKED IN!”

SMITH: “Swat that fly off your back Hans! Come on!”

MAYES: “Hans fighting the sleeper while Olvir is now pounding on Donovan…Olvir with a slam! ONE! TWO!...NO! A minute left…Browser clinging to dear life to the sleeper, Hans fighting it, while Olvir now goes off the ropes…BIG LEGDROP ON DONOVAN! HE COVERS! ONE! TWO!...NO! Donovan again kicks out! 40 seconds left…Hans CRUSHES Browser in the corner, but Browser won’t let go, he’s got a vice grip on that sleeper!”

SMITH: “This is to much, get rid of him Hans! COME ON! SHAKE HIM!”

MAYES: “Olvir getting desperate as he picks up Donovan…SMALL PACKAGE BY OLVIR! ONE! TWO…NO! DONOVAN REVERSES IT!



SMITH: “Breathe…Just breathe…”

MAYES: “25 seconds left…Olvir and Donovan scramble to their feet, throwing punches at each other…Hans just dropped to one knee! He might be fading! Hans down to both knees as Browser squeezing for all he’s worth…Olvir rocks Donovan with a big time right hand…Donovan staggers…10 seconds left…Cesar checking Hans…His arm drops once! BIG KICK TO THE HEAD BY OLVIR ON DONOVAN! HE KNOCKED HIS BLOCK OFF…OLVIR COVERS! CESAR DROPS HANS’S ARM FOR THE 2ND TIME…IT DROPS…CESAR LEAPS OVER TO COUNT OLVIR’S PIN! ONE! TWO!...THREE! NO! THE BELL RANG!! THE BELL RANG BEFORE HE GOT THE THREE COUNT!”

SMITH: “Oh lord…This is to much!”

MAYES: “Browser just threw Hans to the mat in disgust, Browser SCREAMING at Cesar about him abandoning the arm checks of Hans to count the pin on Donovan…Cesar motioning that he had to count the pin…BROWSER JUST DECKED CESAR!”

SMITH: “Serves him right! Stupid bastard!”

MAYES: “Olvir looking around pissed off, he’s not in the overtime…Which currently features two men laid out in the ring and a knocked out ref!”

SMITH: “I don’t think Olvir was even pinned…I mean I got a lot of money riding on Hans, but still this feels kind of unfair to the guy, like those crazy tiebreakers in the World Baseball Classic and stuff!”

MAYES: “You’re right, Olvir WASN’T pinned during this match…Browser has left the ring after getting his pound of flesh from Cesar…Olvir now leaving the ring, and as he’s doing so he’s grabbed a young woman out of the crowd and carried her to the back!”

(Crowd pops for Olvir grabbing the woman.)

HARWELL: “James Donovan and Hans Nowak are tied two falls apiece, they shall now battle in SUDDEN DEATH...The first man to score a fall will be the NEW LVW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!”

(Crowd pops!)

MAYES: “Both men down, the ref is down…This is crazy! Donovan crawling over to Hans…Hans has been out ever since that sleeper…Donovan gets an arm across his chest…Cesar crawling over…ONE!....TWO!.....NO! HANS KICKS OUT! Cesar is face down still out of it after counting that pin…Donovan back to his feet…He’s motioning he wants Hans back up…Donovan waiting on Hans…OH NO! MISS ANN JUST HIT DONOVAN IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH ONE OF HER SHOES! Donovan crumples to the mat after that cheap shot!”


MAYES: “Hans throws himself on top of Donovan! Cesar crawls over…ONE!....TWO!....THREE!! NO! NO! DONOVAN KICKED OUT!”

SMITH: “NO! DAMMIT! Hit him again with a shoe and if that doesn’t work, a chair, then a knife, then a gun! BEAT HIM!”

MAYES: “Hans now getting up…He pulls Donovan to his feet…CHOKESLAM! NO! Donovan with a series of kicks breaks it up…DONOVAN WITH A PICTURE PERFECT STANDING DROPKICK FLOORS THE BIG MAN! HE COVERS! ONE!...TWO!...THREE! NO! NO! HANS KICKED OUT!”

SMITH: “That was to close, come on Hans, you can do it! GET HIM!”

MAYES: “Donovan now gets Hans back up and Donovan is just throwing right hands with all he has at the big man…Donovan off the ropes…POLISH HAMMER BY HANS! HE JUST FLATTENED DONOVAN! Hans raises his arms over his head…He’s calling for the Hans Attack!”

SMITH: “Do it! Crush him! Get me my money!”

MAYES: “Hans scoops Donovan up…PRESS SLAM! NO! DONOVAN LANDS BEHIND HANS! Donovan with a flurry of punches…He grabs Hans by the singlet sends him HARD into the turnbuckle…Hans is staggered…Donovan’s gonna go for the Oklahoma Stampede!”





(MUSIC UP: “Bat Country” by Avenged Sevenfold)

SMITH: “Oh no…No…LVW better be prompt with the cash payment or I might not make rent…”

(The crowd continues to go crazy as DONOVAN is on his knees, arms raises in victory, nearly brought to tears by the moment…HANS stumbling from the ring glassy eyed, MISS ANN leading him to the back, a look of horror on her face.)


MAYES: “Cesar Martinez now handing the LVW World Title Belt to Donovan who clutches it to his chest…And now standing in the ring, raising the belt high over his head…LOOK AT THAT BELT SHINE!”

SMITH: “Oh I’m going to be sick.”

MAYES: “Donovan standing on the second rope…This crowd going nuts.”

(A small amount of fireworks go off from above the ring, the crowd pops more.)

MAYES: “The Cowboy has done it…Nearly a decade after he broke into this sport, James Donovan has lived his dream, he has become the first ever LVW World Champion! What a night this has been…For Sir Simon Smith, this is Jeff Mayes signing off, see you next time from the House of Blues!!”

(The camera shows Donovan still in the ring, soaking in the cheers of the crowd, he stands there for a few more moments as CESAR MARTINEZ secures the LVW World Title around his waist and then raises his arm, causing another series of flash bulbs to go off, Donovan goes to the 2nd rope of a different corner then where he was before and stands there raising his arms in victory…FADEOUT)

The Great Eye

I came to cut you up
Jan 29, 2004
Segment 5- A returning Legend

(FADEIN: JAVID DONES standing in the ring, the LVW World Title belt resting under a cloth, held up on a platform. The crowd is rabid with an “ELLL-VEEE-DOUBLE-U!” chant as DONES stands there, soaking in the cheers.)

DONES: “Elegant Booking has brought us to this moment…This grand moment when in one brutal hour from now…One man will walk away World Champion, and walk away with a belt truly befitting a world champion!...I give you the LVW World Title!”

(DONES pulls away the cloth to reveal a belt that has the LVW logo on a diamond in the style of the “Welcome to Last Vegas” sign. The LVW diamond is on a spinner rim. On the inside of it is a giant head plate made to look like a Belliago 5,000 chip with the Words “World Heavyweight Champion” on it. The strap of the belt is cranberry red with the side plates also looking like poker chips…The crowd continues it’s ELLL-VEEE-DOUBLE-U chant till the lights go out!)

MAYES: “What the hell?! The lights!”

SMITH: “Somebody’s got my wallet!”

MAYES: “That’s you trying to steal MY wallet!”

SMITH: “They are after both of us!”

(The lights come back on, and suddenly standing in the entrance way is RICKY ZANE! The crowd FLIPS OUT!)

(ZANE strikes a few muslceman poses and starts walking to the ring in a cocky manner, jawing with the fans. He has a skin tight white faded "RICKY ZANE" t-shirt on, jeans and dark shades. He has a mic with him and begins to speak)

ZANE: Ladies and gentlemen. WELCOME.. Welcome to the end of mediocrity. WELCOME to the dawning of a new day in professional wrestling. WELCOME to the night when your wrestling ticket purchases you legitimate entertainment and not just a safe, air conditioned room to hide from your pimps and bookies for a couple of hours. And WELCOME to the ZAAAAANNNNIA!!!!

ZANE: You know when I hung up my boots last time swearing I'd never again step into a wrestling ring, I didn't do it because I had lost my smile. I didn't do it because my body couldn't take it anymore... I did it out of sheer boredom. Wrestling had become stale, stagnant or as you Las Vegans call it DUUUUUUHHH <smirks>. I vowed never again to soil my legacy by stepping into a blood-soaked, beer stained wrestling ring to fight inferior competition for mere millions of dollars. It wasn't worth it. But here I am, and here we are. Five years removed from the peak of Zania, wrestling has changed a lot. The faces have changed, the federations have changed and wrestling has turned in a yeast infected scabby armpit of despair. Coming back into wrestling is like seeing the ruins of a former thriving milltown. Now the shops have closed down, the people have moved away and the air stinks of beef by-products and backruptcy. So here I am, much like mighty mouse to save the day. To save wrestling from imploding on itself like that struggling milltown. I'm here to inject a high dosage of liquid Zane into the bloodstream of this fine industry. And the wrestlers in the back welcomed me like the white knight of virtue I am.

ZANE: It was turning moment of my life backstage where I had an epiphany. I planned on coming out here mocking the wrestlers in the back, insulting them, putting them trough verbal burning tables time and again. But see thats changed. I was backstage and it wasnt any more than two minutes when the great hugh flyer Hans Nomick came up to me and told me how his wife and kids where living in deplorable conditions. How the kids went to bed every night asking there father if he'd be released from LVW just because he lacks any and all wrestling skills. When I walked into that dressing room and shook his quivering, sweaty hand I knew I had the ability to change the life of not just one man, but his entire litter of children and his chain smoking hooker valet. Virtue?? <smiles and nods> you're looking at it, and his names Ricky Zane.

ZANE: Look I could go on and on with a beautifully spoken soliloquy about how many lifes Ricky Zane has touched, and just how important I am to the survival of this industry and the financial lives of those involved. This company NEEDS Ricky Zane as champion, and I'm planning on becoming the champion JUST to feed the children and put roofs over the heads of the less talented. And just a warning to ANYONE who'll be a disgusting enough human being to try to stop me.... Do YOU want to be the one held responsible for putting people out of work? Do YOU want to see children starve, people lose their jobs, committing suicide, robbing banks? <smirks> Of course you don't. And that’s why Ricky Zane will be here next week to be cornated as the undisputed champion of this struggling federation THANK YOU!!!!!

(MUSIC UP: “To Mega Therion” as ZANE smiles and then heads to the back the crowd still buzzing…DONES not really sure what to say or do.)

MAYES: “Fans…Ricky Zane is here! Ricky Zane is in LVW! This is insane!”

SMITH: “It’s In…ZANE…I think!”

MAYES: “Well I think about the only thing bigger then the debut of Ricky Zane may very well be the crowning of the new LVW World Champion and that’s going to happen…NEXT!”

(CUTTO: Ads for Studio 54, and Dane Cook)

The Great Eye

I came to cut you up
Jan 29, 2004
Segment 4- House/Glad, Donovan/El Magick-O

(COWBOY DONOVAN chases EL MAGICK-O out of a motel onto their swimming pool patio. DONOVAN tosses lounge chairs aside as he gives chase, people gathering to gawk. EL MAGICK-O miraculously runs straight across the
swimming pool. DONOVAN stops at its other edge in shock.)

EL MAGICK-O(raising arms): It's not a trick, I tell you, it's....an

(DONOVAN then runs across the water after him.)

EL MAGICK-O: Dammit!

(He turns and runs for the wall, which he climbs over deftly, despite his
cape catching a few times. Donovan follows, but has trouble climbing over
because of his bulk. El Magick-O lands nimbly on the other side and runs up
a neon lighted street to a bus stop where the camera man follows him onto a
bus. The doors close and the bus takes off, but the camera catches Donovan
kicking at the wall in frustration. The bus driver turns to El Magick-O.)


EL MAGICK-O: Obviously, I can't carry change in this outfit. I thought my
friend here would pay.

CAMERAMAN: Sorry, I only make minimum wage.

(The bus stops.)


(El Magick-O climbs off with the cameraman behind him. He notices Donovan
down the block. Donovan does a double take at seeing him and the cameraman,
but El Magick-O twirls his green cape and then hides next to a bush. The
cameraman rushes up to Donovan.)

DONOVAN(looking high and low): That durn boy durn disappeared!

(CUTTO: The broadcast area.)

MAYES: “El Magick-O for all his talk tonight sure turned into a total coward when it came time to in fact confront James Donovan.”

SMITH: “It’ll happen in due time, remember last time in the ring Donovan was being mugged by El Magick-O before that fluke pin.”

MAYES: “All I remember is Donovan pinning El-Magick-O clean and advancing to the finals!”

SMITH: “Yeah yeah, spare me your propaganda.”

MAYES: “Well folks up next we’ll be seeing two men who have a history of bad blood in LVW finally getting to settle their issues...Wait a minute, I got a message, get our cameras out to the back!”

(CUTTO: The back where GLADIATOR and JACK HOUSE are in the mist of a brawl, the two men are trading punches.)

MAYES: “Oh lord! These two men can’t even wait to get to the ring, the fight has started in the back!”

SMITH: “Good! Less time for Gladiator to notice I’m here, get him House!”

MAYES: “Gladiator driven into a wall…And now he has his head bounced off one of a table! House walks off camera, he’s back with a trash can lid and he cracks Gladiator in the face with it!”

SMITH: “Beat him! Beat him silly!”

MAYES: “Gladiator now being dragged by House towards the entranceway…They are now out in the aisle! (Crowd pops!) House drives Gladiator into the railing! Gladiator staggers and falls face first on the floor…House stomping him and now throws him into the ring!”

(Bell rings, as ref BRIAN PUTER gets ready for the match)

MAYES: “We’re legally underway here as House slugs Gladiator with a right hand and another…Gladiator bounces off the ropes and comes back with a HARD right of his own…House rocked and Gladiator now whips him to the ropes…HOUSE WITH A SHOULDER-TACKLE SENDS GLADIATOR FLYING!”

SMITH: “Beat his ass! Kill him! Then bring him back to life and kill him again!”

MAYES: “Settle down there killer…House now slams Gladiator hard in the center of the ring and measures him…DROPS AN ELBOW! He covers! ONE! TWO!...NO! Gladiator kicks out!”

SMITH: “That would have been to quick, make him suffer before you Blackjack his ass!”

MAYES: “The ever more brutal Sir Simon…House putting the boots AND the badmouth to Gladiator…House now throws Gladiator to the floor…And he’s following him out there!”

SMITH: “I’m not to sure about this Mayes, Gladiator’s just a maniac, he could come up with just about anything while on the floor…Or just attack me if they get over here!”

MAYES: “They are on the other side of the ring away from us…Gladiator now being hammered by House…Gladiator kicks House in the gut and now fires in a few right hands…Gladiator drives House’s head off the apron…House staggering…Gladiator quickly to the apron…ASAI MOONSAULT BY GLADIATOR!!”


SMITH: “See?! See what I mean, this basketcase will kill himself to win a match! Now they are both laid out on the cement!”

MAYES: “Gladiator getting to his feet and he rolls into the ring to break the count and now rolls back outside and drops House throat first on the railing! House in a bad way as Gladiator throws him into the ring….Gladiator on the apron…SPRINGBOARD LEGDROP BY GLADIATOR! HE COVERS! ONE! TWO!...NO! HOUSE KICKED OUT!”

SMITH: “Don’t stop fighting House! Keep after this loon until you beat him…And just so you know Mayes, if House loses this match you’ll be doing the rest of the show by yourself…”

MAYES: “I never thought I’d root for Gladiator…Gladiator now gets House up and throws him into the corner…Gladiator kicks him a couple times in the gut and now goes to the opposite corner…Gladiator with a running start…STINGER SPLASH…HOUSE CATCHES HIM AND RUNS WITH GLADIATOR IN HIS ARMS…SPINEBUSTER! OH WHAT A MOVE!”


MAYES: “House with a cover! ONE! TWO!...NO! Gladiator kicks out! House goes back to stomping the guts out of Gladiator and now whips him to the ropes…POWERSLAM! House in control again!”

SMITH: “Keep it up House! Finish him!”

MAYES: “House now grabs Gladiator and sets him on the top rope, he’s going for a superplex…Gladiator firing a series of right hands to the gut, he’s rocked house...Headbutt…And House falls to the mat…FROG SPLASH! GLADIATOR JUST CRUSHED HOUSE! ONE! TWO!...NO! HOUSE KICKED OUT! Gladiator just NAILED that move but it wasn’t enough to keep House down!”

SMITH: “Nobody beats the House!”

MAYES: “Gladiator looks outraged, he kicks away on House and now he’s going to the floor…He’s got a chair! What is he doing?!”

SMITH: “He’s getting himself DQ’ed cause he doesn’t care about winning or losing, only maiming people, how he ever kept his head on straight long enough to win a title is beyond me!”

MAYES: “Gladiator back in the ring…He’s got that chair…But the ref grabs it from him…Gladiator protesting the chair being taken away from him, but now the ref is in fact taking it from him…GLADIATOR JUST PULLED OUT PIANO WIRE WHILE THE REF IS DISTRACTED PUTTING THAT CHAIR AWAY!!”

SMITH: “Oh man this PPV could go from PG-13 to NC-17 REAL QUICK!”

MAYES: “Gladiator now with the wire going to strangle House…NO! JAWBREAKER BY HOUSE! Gladiator dropped the wire…House wrapping his hand in it…RIGHT HAND WITH THE WIRE BY HOUSE!!! Gladiator flopping around like a fish out of water…House throws the wire to the floor…Gladiator is BADDLY cut up by that wire, he’s bleeding like a stuck pig!”

SMITH: “I think House has an ace showing also…”

MAYES: “House waiting on Gladiator…Gladiator gets to his feet…BLACKJACK!! BLACKJACK BY HOUSE!!! GLADIATOR IS OUT! ONE! TWO! THREE!! IT IS OVER!”

(Bell rings)


(MUSIC UP: “Blackjack” by Ray Charles as the crowd cheers HOUSE who glares at the crowd with a sneer on his face.)

MAYES: “House has done it, he took Gladiator’s best shot and in the end left the former World Champion a bloody mess!”

SMITH: “I love it! Beat him some more!”

MAYES: “House leaving the ring now as Gladiator is being checked on by our trainers, including Doc Cochren…Up next…Our owner will be here with the LVW World Title Belt presentation!”

(CUTTO: Ads for Mama Mia and Fantasy.)

The Great Eye

I came to cut you up
Jan 29, 2004
Segment 3 Doll/Lerner Donovan/El-magick-O

(FADEIN: The broadcast table. Both men appear to be stunned.)

MAYES: “Fans…I…I am just shocked at what just happened.”

SMITH: “Is it normal to be crying now?”

MAYES: “I don’t know…Olvir and his war with…Those crazy women…I have no idea where this is all going to end up…Anyhow our camera men tell us something is happening in the back.)

(CUTTO: Backstage near the Pepsi machine where COWBOY JAMES DONOVAN stands, sippinghis Diet Pepsi. In a twirl of his green cape, EL MAGICK-O appears with his crystal ball in hand. DONOVAN eyes him and slurps.)

DONOVAN: I been lookin' for you, you prostitue-murderin' boy!

EL MAGICK-O: And I would have been here sooner if I hadn't forgotten my
crystal ball on my first trip! But now I summon all the fires of the
essences of all the world and I hurl them at you!

(He flings his crystal ball at Donovan who stands still as it hits him in
the shoulder and rolls away. He continues drinking his Diet Pepsi. Out of
a pouch in his cape, EL MAGICK-O grabs a deck of cards.)

EL MAGICK-O: Your dark masters won't protect you once I fling these at you
and their edges slice you like razors!

(He flings all 52 cards at Donovan who keeps drinking as they flutter about
him. He finishes his can, crushes it, and tosses it aside.)

DONOVAN: I dun't do ass-kickin' while Ah'm thirsty, boy.

(El Magick-O flamboyantly twirls his cape as he turns and runs. Donovan
chases and the cameramna follows.)

(CUTTO: The entranceway as “Hard Hitter” by Red plays…The “Hard Hitter” BEN LERNER walks smugly to the ring, wearing his black singlet with the dollar signs over the heart. WILLIAM SIMMONS follows him, wearing a Troy Brown #80 Jersey and blue jeans. SIMMONS also has on a neckbrace and is carrying LERNER’s briefcase.)

MAYES: “This night just gets more and more nutty…I have no idea what to expect the rest of the way…Anyhow the Hard Hitter is making his way to ringside…For this #1 contenders match that he got himself into via a lawsuit threat…Which is a joke as far as I’m concerned!”
SMITH: “Hey he played the system to get what he wanted…So well this is what we got.”

(MUSIC UP: “Pretty Vegas” by INXS as an angry looking “Broadway” JOHNNY DOLL storms the ring, wearing black tights with “Broadway” in white on the seat…DOLL gets a good pop from the crowd as he hits the ring and has to be held back by ref JOE MERCURIO from going after LERNER right away. DOLL calms down after a few moments and begins to stretch.)

HARWELL: “The following contest is set for one fall…And the winner will get the First Title Shot at the LVW World Champion! (Crowd pops)…In the ring first to my right, he is led to the ring by William Simmons and hails from Las Vegas Nevada…He weighs in at 225 pounds…THE HARD HITTER!...BEN! LERNER! (Crowd Boos as LERNER sneers at DOLL smugly)

HARWELL: “And his opponent…He hails from New York, New York and weighs in at 215 pounds…Here is “BROADWAY!” JOHNNY! DOLL!!!” (Crowd pops for DOLL as he paces, waiting for the bell)

“Your referee for this match is Joe Mercurio”

(Bell rings)

MAYES: “Lerner and Doll circle each other…They lock up…Doll gets a headlock on Lerner…Lerner with a series of elbows tries to break free, he whips Doll to the ropes…NO! Doll holds onto to the headlock!”

SMITH: “Come on Lerner, don’t let this chump play you like this!”

MAYES: “Lerner now grabs Doll and hooks him…BACK SUPLEX! But Doll CONTINUES TO HOLD ONTO THE HEADLOCK!”

SMITH: “This guy has a DEATHGRIP on that thing! This is insane! Lerner will sue LVW for causing him headaches and all kinds of other stress!”

MAYES: “Lerner again back to his feet and this time he gets himself to the ropes and forces the ref to break them…Lerner rubbing his temples after being stuck in that headlock…”

SMITH: “Well Doll’s 80’s attitude and 80’s move set might have allowed him a few minutes of control in this match, but I’m sure the Hard Hitter is going to get things rolling in a moment.”

MAYES: “Doll and Lerner circle again, they lock up, and this time Lerner pushes Doll to the corner…Will we get a clean break? NO! Lerner swings with a right hand and misses…Doll backs Lerner into the corner and pounds on him with right hands…Doll now with a BIG HIPTOSS! Lerner up to his feet…DROPKICK! Lerner now dazed as Doll grabs him…DOLL OFF THE TOP ROPE TORNADO DDT! HE PLANTED LERNER! ONE! TWO!...THREE! NO! LERNER KICKED OUT JUST IN TIME!”

SMITH: “The Hard Hitter isn’t losing to some fluke attack like that!”

MAYES: “He’s been dominated since the opening bell!”

SMITH: “I doubt the tapes would prove that…”

MAYES: “Bah! Doll gets Lerner back up and continues the beating, he whips Lerner into the ropes…OVERHEAD BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX! Doll nearly took Lerner out of his boots with that one! Doll covers! ONE! TWO!...NO! Lerner kicks out! Lerner scrambles to the floor trying to get his wits about him as Doll follows him out!”

SMITH: “That’s it Ben, don’t let this guy get in your head, take a breather and think it out!”

MAYES: “Thank you coach Sir Simon…Doll chasing Lerner on the outside…Lerner grabs Simmons and puts Simmons in between him and Doll…He’s selling his client down the river!”

SMITH: “I believe Simmons agreed to this in an effort to have Lerner provide him even more expert legal counsel!”

MAYES: “Oh just shut up! Doll having none of it just DECKED Simmons with a right hand…Lerner pokes Doll in the eye! Doll clutching at his eye…LERNER WITH A SWINING NECKBREAKER ON THE FLOOR! Doll just got DRILLED!”

SMITH: “Finally things swing the way of the Hard Hitter! Finally there is justice in this sport!”

MAYES: “He’s been getting his head handed to him up until his cheated, and he’s only in this match due to the BS threat of a lawsuit…How can this be justice?!”

SMITH: “It’s justice, The Hard Hitter way!”

MAYES: “He’s your lawyer too, isn’t he? Lerner now throws Doll into the ring….Lerner pounds away on Doll and now a scoop and a slam! Lerner backs into the corner, he’s measuring Doll…And DROPS A RUNNING KNEE TO THE FACE!”

SMITH: “Now we go to school!”

MAYES: “Lerner covers…He hooks the leg…ONE! TWO!...NO! Doll kicks out! Lerner goes right back to stomping away on Doll and now pulls him up to his feet and hooks him in a Full Nelson…Doll trying to fight the hold…LERNER WITH A FULL NELSON SLAM! He just swept Doll’s legs and SMASHED him face first into the mat! The cover! ONE! TWO!...THREE! NO! NO! DOLL KICKED OUT AT TWO!”

SMITH: “Sue that ref, have him fired for gross malpractice and for loss of wages from him denying Lerner the World Title shot he’d have if this clown wasn’t so brutally bias against Lerner!”

MAYES: “Clearly that’s why this match is still going on and not because Johnny Doll is fighting tooth and nail…Lerner slams Doll to the mat and goes to the second rope…Lerner off the second rope…FLYING FIST DROP! He drilled Doll with it! He covers! ONE! TWO!...NO! DOLL KICKS OUT AGAIN!”

SMITH: “Can Simmons throw the red flag and challenge that call?! Doll was down for a 5 count!”

MAYES: “You’re mixing up your sports again…Lerner gives the cut throat motion and he pulls Doll to his feet and whips him to the ropes…CASH SETTLEMENT! NO! HEADSCISSORS TAKE DOWN BY DOLL! Lerner scrambles to his feet as does Doll…Doll with a kick…Lerner catches his foot…ENZIGURI BY DOLL! He just DRILLED The Hard Hitter with that one! Both men down!”

SMITH: “Come on Simmons! Do something! Rally your man better then your team is doing in the off season!”

MAYES: “Both men struggling to their feet now…Doll up first and he hammers Lerner with a couple of right hands and sends him to the ropes…HIGH BACKBODY DROP! Lerner tries to get to his feet…Doll with a forearm and another…Lerner stumbles into a corner and gets whipped to the other side…He hits hard and falls face first on the mat…Doll off the ropes…LEGDROP TO THE BACK OF THE HEAD! HE COVERS! ONE! TWO!...NO! Lerner kicks out!”

SMITH: “Doll can’t be doing this, he’s not in the league of the Hard Hitter!”

MAYES: “You’re nuts you know that…Doll now whips Lerner into the ropes again…Clothesline by Doll ducked…LERNER WITH A CLOTHESLINE! He just ROCKED Doll with that one…Doll getting back up…Lerner with a SNAP SUPLEX! He covers! ONE! TWO!...NO! Doll kicked out!”

SMITH: “Keep on him! Beat him so bad this bias crook of a ref will be forced to admit you win!”

MAYES: “You really need help…Lerner now picks up Doll and hits him with a right hand…Doll fires back with a right of his own…The two men trading punches out…Lerner staggering, Lerner down! Doll rushes to the ropes…SIMMONS GRABS HIS LEG! Doll fighting with Simmons trying to free himself from his grasp…He’s pulled Simmons on the apron…Lerner charges…DOLL MOVES OUT OF THE WAY! SIMMONS SENT FLYING!”

SMITH: “Doll will be sued for his reckless actions that led to further injury to poor William Simmons!”

MAYES: “Doll rolls up Lerner! ONE! TWO!...THREE! NO! NO! LERNER KICKED OUT!”

SMITH: “Well at least this goon of a ref didn’t just totally screw Lerner on that fluke pin attempt! Thank heavens for small favors.”

MAYES: “Lerner and Doll both up…Lerner again with a thumb to the eyes gets control and staggers Doll with a couple of right hands…Lerner whips Doll into the ropes…Inverted atomic drop! Doll stumbling around…Lerner grabs him and whips him to the ropes…CASH SETTLEMENT! NO! Doll escapes…Doll hooks Lerner…CHORUS LINE SHORT-ARM NECKBREAKER! NO! Lerner powers out of him and goes off the ropes…RUNNING KNEE LIFT FLOORS DOLL!”

SMITH: “That’s it, finish him!”

MAYES: “Lerner now pulls Doll up by his hair…Doll looks out of it…Lerner whips him to the ropes…CASH SETTLEMENT! NO! Again Doll escapes! This time he lands behind Lerner…ROLL UP BY DOLL! ONE! TWO!...THREE! NO! Lerner kicked out!”

SMITH: “How lucky can this guy get?! Come on Lerner!”

MAYES: “Lerner grabs Doll and SLAMS his head into the turnbuckle… Doll whipped to the other side…Lerner charges…NOBODY HOME! Doll grabs him…CHORUSLINE! HE HIT IT OUT OF NOWHERE! ONE! TWO!...THREE!!! HE GOT HIM!!”

(Bell rings)

HARWELL: “Here is your winner, and getting the first title shot at the LVW World Champion! BROADWAY! JOHNNY! DOOOOLLLLLLLLLL!!!!”

(Crowd pops loudly as “Pretty Vegas” by INXS plays…DOLL throws his arms in the air in victory and soaks in the cheers as LERNER and a dejected looking SIMMONS stumble to the back.)

MAYES: “Well all the lawsuits in the world couldn’t get Lerner past Johnny Doll, who will be facing the LVW World Champion, whoever he may be, next week, what a big match that will be!”

SMITH: “What a mockery of justice, EVERYONE’S going to pay for this Mayes, mark my words.”

MAYES: “Oh whatever…”

(CUTTO: Ads for Carrot Top and Shark Reef.)

The Great Eye

I came to cut you up
Jan 29, 2004
segment 2- Dead/Carmine, Olvir, Donovan/El Magick-O

(We come back to the Super Show with a shot in the Backstage at the House of Blues in a small, cramped room with a specially-colored light bulb tinting everything a ghostly blue. Sitting at the head of a round table is EL MAGICK-O wearing a green bodysuit, mask, and cape with white comets and stars soaring on it. Instead of a top hat, he wears a large, white turban with a glittering red crystal at its center.Mounted on the table in front of him is a crystal ball. To his left and right sit two men dressed in white druid robes. Across from him a TV
monitor sits on the table. Off to the side, lounging on a couch, is the GENTLEMAN OF LEISURE. A boom mic hovers over him, and lowers so hecan speak into it without getting up.)

GOL: This is the Gentleman of Leisure backstage with LVW Superstar and Live
Magician EL MAGICK-O. Now, El Magick-O, just a few weeks ago according to
the cue cards, you were claiming it was your destiny to win the LVW World
Heavyweight Championship in order to save the world. Yet, here we are, and
it's COWBOY JAMES DONOVAN wrestling in your place for the title, and after
losing to him, you apparently killed his favorite prostitute FABIOLA for

EL MAGICK-O(shaking his head): Gentleman, gentlemen, I have never killed
anyone. At least, that's what my lawyers want me to say, and hey, if an
accident happens while I'm using a saw, that's nature killing someone, not
me. You forget that as a magician, a wrestler, I'm a keeper of mystery and
wonder. I give awe as a gift to every one of my audiences. I affirm life!
That was why with my lucha libre training and my mystical studies, I was
chosen by greater forces than we know to win the LVW World title and keep
the world away from the edge of darkness!

But I had no idea that Cowboy James Donovan trafficked in the black arts,
but I should have known! he is a cowboy after all. I couldn't have killed
Fabiola if I wanted to, since she was already dead! Trapped between the
worlds, her soul called out to me, and when Donovan overwhelmed me with the
unexpected strength granted to him by the devils of the twilight, I had to
reveal his awful sin to the world!

Yes, James Donovan murdered that sweet girl, and if I couldn't win that
match for the forces of light, then I had to expose his sin, and then add it
to my act to earn an extra 15 dollars a week.

Now I've been training at the gym, at the magic clubs, the casinos, the
escort services scattered around the state, I've taken peyote and wandered
out to the mountains, and I've also prepared myself to wrestle better than I
ever have so that when I meet James Donovan, when I get my chance at the
coveted LVW World title, I won't fail again!

But even if I'm not in the title match, I must use all my magical might to
prevent James Donovan from winning the world title and tilting this world
into one of cowboys and chaos! Thus, I've summoned my druid friends, and
together, we'll combine our strength to call FABIOLA back from the abyss to
possess James Donovan, and force him to lose, in an ironic twist of magic
and fate!

(The druid on his left pulls off his hood to reveal...former 90210
heartthrob IAN ZIERING! Across from him, the other druid unhoods to reval
his former co-star BRIAN AUSTIN GREENE.)

IZ: Man, how long we have to keep these on? It's hot in here, and I thought
I was gonna get fifty dollars for doing this!

BAG: Come on, Ian, I told you..this guy is weird! We need to get out of

IZ(arching eyebrow): I told you....it's "Steve" when we're in public.

BAG: Fine, Steve, we shouldn't have followed some magician who was doing
card tricks in an alley back into the House of Blues! He's even a wrestler!
God, how sleazy can you get? I heard that this was the guy who showed up
at the premiere of the Scifi Channel's INVASION and made Luke Perry step
into his magic cabinet...and no one's seen him since!

EL MAGICK-O: Oh come on, it's Luke Perry! Of course no one's seen him since

BAG: Fine, but what about that love child you supposedly had with Jeannie
Garth? She still has scars on her stomach from that abortion you made her

EL MAGICK-O: On my word as a magician, I didn't send her to get an abortion.
I made that unborn fetus, like most of my problems, disappear...with
nothing more than my bare hands! Now that's magic!

IZ: See? I told you this guy was all right. Now sit back and relax. We
get to play druids and I ordered us a pizza.

GOL: Actually, you guys mind if I get in on that?

IZ: Sure, buddy, but after we do this druid thing.

EL MAGICK-O(cradling his hands over his crystal ball): Yes, pull back on
your hoods and let's begin.

"Spirits of light and dark, hear my plea,
Bring the soul of Fabiola back to me!
I feel your breath, your heaving breasts,
And that twenty I overtipped you with!

"To Cowboy James Donovan I send you!
Take his body, his spirit, his all!
For life, forever, or just as long his next match is,
Have him fall, fail, or break his kneecap,
Save us all from a Cowboy world title reign!"

(In the background, a door opens and a hands reaches in and flickers the
lights. CUTTO: El magick-O looking into his crystal ball, but glancing at
the TV monitor across from him, which GOL lazily gazes into from his couch.
SLIPT-SCREEN: On one side, El Magick-O's senance, and the other, COWBOY
JAMES DONOVAN is standing in front of a Pepsi machine. He slides in some
coins and presses for Diet Pepsi.)

EL MAGICK-O: “Now! Inhabit his soul!”

(The machine bellows and grunts. DONOVAN pounds on it, shakes it, trying to
jar his Diet Pepsi loose.)

EL MAGICK-O (linking hands with his fellow druids and they chant together):
”FABIOLA, go to him, Fabiola, GO TO HIM!”

(Donovan crotches down and slides his hand up into the machine to get his
Diet Pepsi. A girl made up to look like FABIOLA with a wig wanders in.)

BOGUS FABIOLA: “Oh Mister Donovan, Mister Cowboy, I've got your spare change for you!”

DONOVAN: “One minute, darlin', I can't do anything without my Diet Pepsi!”

FABIOLA: “But I really, really need you to turn around!”

DONOVAN: “And I really, really need my Diet Pepsi! You think it's easy
talkin' to you ladies of the night with a dry throat?”

(Two security guards walk in.)

GUARD: “Ma'am, you have a pass to be back here?”

FABIOLA: “No, I had to suck a few guys off....”

GUARD: “Well, now you have to suck two off.”

(They drag her kicking and screaming away as Donovan finally rises up with
his Diet Pepsi can. he clicks the tabs and slurps.)

DONOVAN: Now where that girl gone?

(The split-screen slides to back to El Magick-O who pounds the table in

EL MAGICK-O: Dammit!

IZ: Hey now, that was pretty cool! Don't be so negative!

BAG: I'll admit it, I haven't had that much fun palying a part since I got
to beat up my ex-girlfriend Tiffani Amber Thesian in a made for TV movie!
How can this get any better?

(A knock on the door.)

VOICE: Mario's Pizza!

GOL: All right! (The GOL starts searching the cushions for
spare change.)

EL MAGICK-O(shaking head): “Apparently, I'm going to have to get my hands
dirty! But, rest assured, magic fans, this isn't over!”

(He gets up and twirls his green cape as he slides past the pizzaman out the

(CUTTO: The broadcast booth.)

MAYES: “I was hoping we would not in fact have LVW’s murdering magician on the Supershow, but it seems he’s not only here but also intent on messing with the Cowboy James Donovan.”

SMITH: “as well he should, that yokel needs to be taught a lesson, and he will, either at the hands of El Magick-O or by the men he’s fighting tonight in the four way Ironman!”

(MUSIC UP: “California Love” by Dr. Dre and Tupac. LIVING DEAD shambles out to the ring, wearing a dirty wife beater and black dress pants, while DIVA X walks behind him wearing a tight fitting black baby-doll T-Shirt and short black skirt. The crowd meets LIVING DEAD’S entrance with indifference.)

MAYES: “This next match should be interesting, featuring the man many felt would be the face of LVW, against a man trying to get on track here.”

SMITH: “The Inferno WILL be the face of LVW, it was shame he lost all that money or he could have gotten Ben Lerner to get him into the tournament and he’d be fighting for the belt right now Mayes!”

MAYES: “I don’t know about that…And anyhow he’s got a tough task in front of him tonight, Living Dead was back on his game in the match to see who would have the first shot at the LVW World Title, and now he’s looking to make his mark here against the Inferno.)

(MUSIC UP: “New York, New York” by Frank Sinatra. The crowd has a mixed reaction with more face heat then normal as ‘The Inferno’ CARMINE ESPOSITO heads towards the ring. Carmine is wearing red tights with “The Inferno” in yellow on the seat. JIMMY TWO TIMES, dressed in a 1950’s style mobster suit, follows behind him.)

SMITH: “And there’s my man! Carmine! And Jimmy Two Times, the most honest man in Vegas!”

MAYES: “What an honor that is.”

HARWELL: “The following contest is set for ONE FALL…In the ring first, he hails from PARTS UNKNOWN…He weights in at 175 pounds and is led to the ring by Diva X…Here is LIVING! DEAD!”

(Crowd again generally doesn’t react, except for some smarks who start a “Carmine’s gonna kill you!” chant)

HARWELL: “And his opponent…He hails from the Bronx, New York…He weighs in at 220 pounds…And is led to the ring by Jimmy Two Times…Here is ‘The Inferno!’ CARMINE! ESPOSITO!!”

(Marks boo, Smarks cheer, JIMMY TWO TIMES claps for his man.)

“Your referee for this match is Brian Puter”

(Bell rings)

MAYES: “Carmine jumps Living Dead right at the bell and just slugs away with right hands on him…He sends Living Dead into the corner and kicks away at his gut…Carmine now grabs him and SLAMS Living Dead hard!”

SMITH: “That’s it Carmine, beat his idiot brains in!”

MAYES: “Carmine stands over Living Dead gloating…LIVING DEAD SITS UP! Carmine stomps on him as he’s getting up and now whips him into the ropes…BACKDROP!”

SMITH: “That’s it Inferno! Bounce him around like a superball!”

MAYES: “Living Dead sits up again! Carmine looking annoyed as he drives a series of forearms into the chest of Living Dead and he whips him into the ropes again…POWERSLAM! Carmine covers! ONE! TWO!...NO! LIVING DEAD KICKS OUT!”

SMITH: “Oh it’s still just a matter of time, I can feel it, Carmine’s gonna roll this mook!”

MAYES: “Carmine pulls Living Dead to his feet…Carmine off the ropes…I-19! The running knee lift right to the skull! And now Carmine’s waiting for Living Dead to sit up and get to his feet!”

SMITH: “I think he needs B-7 to compete his card.”

MAYES: “Living Dead is up…Carmine off the ropes…BINGO! THE FLYING FOREARM JUST KNOCKED LIVING DEAD SILLY! ONE! TWO! THREE! This one is over!”

SMITH: “Some people like pumpkins, I like squash myself!”

(Bell rings)

HARWELL: “Here is your winner, “The Inferno” CARMINE!!!! SSSS!! PO!!! CEEE!! TOEEE!!!!”

(Crowd boos louder then it cheers MUSIC UP: “New York, New York” by Frank Sinatra. CARMINE waves to the back and a tall, heavyset man walks out with a carpet over his shoulder.)

MAYES: “What the hell? Who is this? What is he doing?!”

SMITH: “I think it’s Mikey Gumdrops! I think he’s here to finish what he started with Living Dead!”

MAYES: “He’s just dropped that Carpet in the ring, now he and Carmine are having chairs thrown to them by Jimmy Two Times…Living Dead is getting up…CONCHAIRTOE BY THE MOBSTERS!!! LIVING DEAD IS CRUSHED!”

SMITH: “You can remove the ‘Living’ part of his name now Mayes!”

MAYES: “Now they are rolling up Living Dead in that carpet and they are carrying him from the ring while he’s still in that carpet…What the hell is happening here?!”

SMITH: “I don’t know, but I do know for sure that Living Dead will NOT be sitting up from this one…”

MAYES: “Well, Carmine, Jimmy Two Times and Mikey Gumdrops have just left the ring area with Living Dead wrapped in that carpet…I don’t know what else to add…Hopefully we’ll get some word about this later…But now we got more business at hand…I think we have an update from the street…)

(Cut to The GENTLEMAN OF LEISURE on the streets surrounding the House of Blues in Mandalay Bay. In the background, we see the Pride of United Sisters Seeking Ethical Equality massed together, advancing down the road.)

GOL: LVW is killing me…Running me around like this…I’m getting triple pay or I’ll just stick to dealing…Anyhow I got an update on the Olvir Arsvinnar situation! Now it seems, these chicks have been looking EVERYWHERE around Mandalay Bay, and this is the LAST POSSIBLE PLACE Olvir Arsvinnar could be holed up! It looks like they have him cornered!

(The mass of conservative women faces a wall of mist. At the head of the crowd is GLORIA SOWERS-NATCH.)

SOWERS NATCH: Show yourself, you scotum-stroking barbarian!! You can't get away from us now!! You're days of rape and debauchery are OVER!!


(Without warning, a massive DRAGON SHIP emerges from the mist!)

(The scene that ensues is one that could only be compared to a flock of hens scattering as a yapping dog invades their coop. In every direction, like fluttering pigeons, women scatter as OLVIR’s modified drekkar equipped with an engine and wheels so he can "sail" anywhere on land barrels out of the fog and down upon them! They dive, they tumble, they leap and hurl and throw themselves, BARELY clearing the way for the massive bastardization of a sea-faring vessel made to travel on land as it pulls up to GOL, who deftly hops away to avoid being flattened.)

OLVIR: HA HA!! My hour of victory is at hand!!

(From the mast, OLVIR, battle-axe drawn, hops down to GOL’s side. On the ship, we can see numerous scantily clad women, many of them laughing, others crying, all tied up and some gagged. OLVIR's been collecting members of his personal harem for some time, it seems.)

GOL: Olvir Arsvinnar, MY GOD, I can't believe I'm standing next to you now! But what are you doing, driving around in this... this THING, kidnapping any woman that strikes your fancy?! You have a MATCH tonight... shouldn't you be preparing?

OLVIR: The answer is OBVIOUS, puny one!! A Viking NEEDS to preperation before he sails in to sack a town! Prepare for battle? BAH!! A Viking is ALWAYS ready to fight! No, the only need a Viking may have for preparing is for his victory celebration, which is why I've been scouring this grand city for the fairest of wenches that may appease my desires when my CONQUEST is fulfilled!

(Into the frame walks GLORIA SOWERS-NATCH, strands of hair freed from her snare-drum tight hair bun, clothes stained and torn. She approaches growlings, snarling, breathing heavily, like an animal defending its territory.)


(Defiantly, she walks up to the Viking's chest and accusingly jams one very sharp-nailed index finger into his rippling pectoral.)

SOWERS-NATCH: You are a DISGRACE to the human race!! Have you ever ONCE considered what might be going through a woman's mind when you carry her off?! Do you even CARE?! Can you FATHOM the amount of emotional damage these poor girls endure as a result of your actions?! They are TRAUMATIZED because of you!! You've taken their INNOCENCE, their YOUTH!! Their lives are RUINED, and all for WHAT?! So you could toss off another miserable LOAD of your abhorrent SEED?!
God, man, do you even feel any GUILT?!

(OLVIR the Viking, the Pornstar, the man who has based his entire existence upon the principles of destruction and domination, takes a step back. His bold blue eyes, always wide and full of fire and passion, soften for but a moment. For just a second, he falls utterly silent, shoulders slumped, lips trembling, as whatever deep thoughts pass through his mind right then.)

(..................BAM!!! Like a firecracker up the ass, the b*tch goes down with a ten star knuckle sandwich to her tight-lipped mug, courteousy of your favorite butt-dominating Viking, OLVIR!! Everywhere in the House of Blues in Mandalay Bay, the crowd goes INSANE!!)


Olvir Arsvinnar: HA HA HA HA!! The Great Olvir does not discriminate!! But there is still much work to be done!!

(Laughing victoriously,OLVIR runs to the remaining crowd of P.U.S.S.E.E who stand stunned and taken aback. Without warning, he snatches two of them and slings them over his shoulders before bounding up the ramp on the portside. His bellowing laughter resounding, the drekkar-mobile pulls into gear and pulls away, leaving a cloud of black smoke in the remaining ladies' faces.)

(CUTTO: Ads for Zumanity and Richie Anderson.)

The Great Eye

I came to cut you up
Jan 29, 2004
Segment 1- Final Table Match, Olvir

(MUSIC UP: “Man of Iron” – Bathory)

(Slow motion black and white footage...)

(HANS NOWAK walking the aisle, finger pointing to the ring, spit flying out of his mouth, MISS ANN not far behind.)

V/O: “A journey started by sixteen...”

(OLVIR ARSVINNAR on the apron, drinking out of his mead horn.)

(JAMES DONOVAN slapping hands at ringside, a pair of panties flying by his face.)

(WEB BROWSER peeking from behind the curtain, wide-eyed at the crowd.)

“...now a journey of four.”

(HANS NOWAK hitting the Hans Attack on BILL BELLMOTH.)

(WEB BROWSER clotheslining BEN LERNER over the top rope, to the outside.)

(JAMES DONOVAN Oklahoma Stampeding GLADIATOR.)

(OLVIR ARSVINNAR putting ELVIS AARON PRESLEY through the mat with the Nordic Bomb.)

“these men now enter…The ultimate test…One hour of hell…The winner will be…The Champion!”

(CUTTO: Inside the House of blues where the crowd is cheers loud...A sustained “EEELLL-VEEE-DOUBLE-U! Chant echoes through the building. The camera then pans to the ring, where THE GENTLEMAN OF LEISURE is laying on his couch. A coffee table and a TV are also in the ring. Outside the ring are two poker tables. GOL is rocking a brand new Carolina Blue Panthers Keyshawn Johnson #19 Jersey, along with his backwards “World Series 2004” Red Sox cap and Bobcats shorts.)

GOL: “Welcome…To The Supershow on the Strip…(Crowd pops)…And welcome…To Leisure Time…With your host…Me…The Gentleman of Leisure…Now I know you’re all expecting me to interview some star of this company…But not tonight…Tonight…I’d like to introduce to you all, a man who’s one of the starts of our biggest advertisers…I give you Mike…THE MOUTH…Matusow!

(Crowd pops as MATUSOW, wearing a Full Tilt Poker “Matusow” Jersey heads towards the ring, getting a kick out of the reaction of the crowd…He gets into the ring…”MATT-A-SOW!” chant starts up.)

GOL: “So…Mike…How are you tonight?”

MATUSOW: “I’m great, I’d like to thank you guys for having me, I’ve been a fan of wrestling for a long time…And if you guys ever want to set up a steel cage match between me and Shawn Sheikan for your first PPV…I’ll be more then happy to rip that dirtbag a new a**hole…(crowd pops)

GOL: “Speaking of that…Let’s fire up the TiVo (BLOOP, BLOOP, DONG!) And watch you bust his a** out of the World Series this year.”

MATUSOW: “Oh I loved that.”

(CUTTO: MATUSOW turning over his flush and yelling “NUTS!” and then celebrating as SHEIKAN looks dejected.)

GOL: “Yeah, that idiot did deserve that…”

MATUSOW: “I only wish I could have busted him at the TOC also, but he didn’t get in here, because he sucks…”

GOL: “Speaking of the TOC…Let’s review the hand that won you a million dollars and made you a champion.”

(MUSIC UP: “Jesus Christ Superstar –Edit” by Andrew Lloyd Webber. BILL BELLMOTH stands in a spotlight…The crowd booing loud, BELLMOTH is in his standard black warm up jacket, black pants, mirrored shades and black “BB” Hat. BELLMOTH starts mockingly waving towards the crowd as he enters the ring…THE GOL seeing this interruption holds out the mic from his laying position on the couch so BELLMOTH can speak.)

BELLMOTH: “First of all I’ll have you know I just crushed the 25 cent/50 cent Badugi games on-line, so I know I’m better then you at poker, cause you NEVER win on-line!” (Crowd gives an “OOOHHH!” at this dis at MATUSOW) “and I’ve also never been to jail so well…I know I’m better at LIFE then you!” (Another stunned reaction from the crowd.)

MATUSOW: “Look buddy, after I f***ed your mom last night I pinned her ass to the mattress…Which means in the world of wrestling I’m CLEARLY better then you, cause I’VE WON A MATCH!” (Crowd roars, “You suck!” chant starts, directed at BELLMOTH)

BELLMOTH: “Hey…Everyone runs cold…These things happen…If you want to go with me…We can go right now…”

MATSOW: “Oh don’t get me started”

(MUSIC: “Rodeo” by Garth Brooks as COLT JAMES…THE MAN IN BLACK heads towards the ring. He is in a full cowboy outfit of black clothes except for his shoes, which are black wrestling boots…MIB enters the ring, keeping his black cowboy hat on his head as he stands now nose to nose with the other two men.)

MAN IN BLACK: “It’s a new day boys…I really don’t care about Mr. Matusow coming out here and getting a reaction out of this crowd…But Bellmoth…We got a match for the Las Vegas Championship and I’m bringing that bracelet home and there’s nothing you can do about it you little punk!” (Crowd pops)

BELLMOTH: “You’re talking to the 9 time World Series of Wrestling Champion! How DARE you disrespect me!”

MIB: “You disrespect me and every other wrestler in the back by soiling this ring with your scrawny little body…Now get out of here.”

BELLMOTH: “I’m leaving with this bracelet…Just you try and stop me!”


BELLMOTH: “May you what?!”

(MATUSOW punches BELLMOTH, sending him to the floor…THE MAN IN BLACK jumps on top of BELLMOTH and begins hammering him with right hands…Beating the tar out of him…THE GENTLEMAN OF LEISURE, seeing that things are getting violent, gets up and leaves the ring with more speed then we’ve seen out of him before, MATUSOW also makes his exit as suddenly, JONATHAN NASH, MITCH GREY, EL GORDO GRANDE, and ERIK MATEO storm the ring, following then is a somewhat confused looking ref BRIAN PUTER who calls for the bell.)

(Bell rings!)

MAYES: “I’m Jeff Mayes and wow what a start to this show as we’ve got a crazy brawl going on in the ring as all of the men fighting for the Las Vegas Championship and the coveted white gold bracelet that comes with winning it…Right now Mateo and Man In Black are beating the hell out of Bellmoth, who’s just helpless on the mat, Grande hammering away on Nash in the corner while Grey is just shambling about listlessly.”

SMITH: “Grey does get that way now and again”

MAYES: “Grande now throws Nash out of the ring…This is a Final Table match folks, in case you all fell asleep or didn’t get the memo, the ONLY way to win this match is to put an opponent through a poker table, the first man to do so will become the first ever Las Vegas Champion!”

SMITH: “And as we all know, the only man deserving of being the champion of Las Vegas is Bill Bellmoth…All these other suckers are just fodder for his greatness!”

MAYES: “Every time you talk about Bellmoth I’m just going to ignore you and call the match…The Man in Black now pulls Bellmoth up and just carries him over to the corner and THROWS HIM HARD into the turnbuckles... The Man in Black now just hammering Bellmoth…Grey now hits The Man in Black from behind… The Man in Black turns and just DECKS Grey with a right hand!”

SMITH: “And Grey does not have a glass jaw, so man that had to pack a punch!”

MAYES: “There’s not a lot of room to work with in that ring with all that crap from the Leisure Time set…Wait…Mateo and Grande just grabbed the couch…AND JUST THREW IT OUT OF THE RING AT NASH! NASH JUST BARELY GOT OUT OF THE WAY!”

SMITH: “If he’d been hit by that, people would have been fighting over which piece of him to put through a table to win this thing!”

MAYES: “And now they just threw the TV at him! Man the Gentleman of Leisure is gonna be out big money after this is all said and done.”

SMITH: “I heard he got hired at some high end casino, so he’ll be rolling in coin shortly I’m sure.”

MAYES: “Well whatever the case is…Nash has gotten himself a chair and he’s charged into the ring…Nash DRILLS Grande with the chair…And a chair shot for The Man in Black! Eric Mateo charges…And gets a chair for his troubles also! Grey grabs the chair from Nash who spins around…GREY BLASTS NASH WITH THE CHAIR! Everyone in the ring is down except Grey and Bellmoth…Grey turns towards Bellmoth…BELLMOTH JUST THREW POWDER IN GREY’S EYES! GREY’S BLINDED!”

SMITH: “See, Bellmoth’s Old School…These kids now would use fireballs or a spray can, but not Bellmoth, he knows the score!”

MAYES: “You are so screwed up…Bellmoth gets the chair and now he FLATTENED GREY WITH IT! Grey is out…Bellmoth now drops the chair.”

BELLMOTH: “Come on…Get up…Get up…I been setting you up for this play the whole night…Get up!”

MAYES: “Bellmoth stalking Grey now…What is he—“

SMITH: (Cutting MAYES off) “Silence Mayes…Let me call this…Bellmoth’s got his sucker…Is he going to slow play it…NO! HE’S GOT HIM! HE HOOKS HIM!! THE COOLER THROUGHT THE COFFEE TABLE!!! WE HAVE A NEW CHAMPION! BELLMOTH HAS DONE IT!!”

MAYES: “Bellmoth DID just CRUSH Grey through that coffee table but he is NOT the champion, that was NOT a poker table!”

SMITH: “What?! This is an outrage! This is like when Gore tried to steal that election just because a half million more people voted for him then Bush!”

MAYES: “Everyone knew the rules of this match going into it…And while Bellmoth is celebrating, the ref is trying to tell him that the match goes on…”

BELLMOTH: “What? What are you talking about?! I put the guy through a table, it’s over, I’m the champ…A poker table?! What….You HAVE to be kidding me…Look, I’ll get you fired you dolt, I am a 9 time World Series of Wrestling—“

MAYES: “The Man In Black decks Bellmoth from behind and now stomps away on on….Eric Mateo gets up and he clotheslines The Man In Black in the back of the head… The Man In Black falls to the floor and Mateo follows him out…Bellmoth follows them out…Now all three men trading punches at each other…GRANDE WITH A HEAD OF STEAM!!! SLINGSHOT PLANCHA ONTO THE FLOOR CRUSHING ALL THREE MEN!!!”

SMITH: “AHH!! He’s crushed them all flatter then a pancake! It should be illegal for a man that big do to things like that!”

MAYES: “All four men laid out on the floor…is motionless on the other side of the ring since he got Cooler’ed through the coffee table…Nash now goes outside…He picks up The Man In Black and he puts him on a poker table! Nash now climbing the ropes…He’s up top!”



SMITH: “My advice to the Nash family is to have a closed casket funeral.”

MAYES: “Nash is laying in a broken heap in the wreckage of that table…Now Grande is getting up, he picks up Bellmoth and throws him into the ring…He grabs Bellmoth and chokes him on the second rope…Before Grande himself gets on the apron and re-enters the ring with Bellmoth still slumped over the 2nd rope…Grande gets a running start…1238! He just BLASTED Bellmoth, who flops into the corner looking out of it…And Oh No…BURRITO BOMB!! BELLMOTH GETTING UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL WITH GRANDE’S ASS!!!”

SMITH: “Not again! I’m gonna vomit!”

MAYES: “Bellmoth flopping around on the mat like a fish out of water…Mateo now back in the ring and he and Grande trading punches…Mateo now rams Grande’s face into the turnbuckle…He slugs away on Grande’s gut in the corner…The Man In Black now back in the ring…James spins Mateo around and gives him a right hand…Grande now throws Mateo to the floor and he and The Man In Black follow him to the floor…Grande gets a chair…And BLASTS Mateo with it! Mateo falls onto the other poker table! Now The Man In Black kicks Grande in the gut and DRILLS him with a Clothesline! Grande staggers and drops the chair…The Man In Black pulls the chair away from him and drills him HARD across the back with it!”

SMITH: “Why is all this action happening without Bellmoth being in the thick of it, get up Bill! We can’t have any of these idiots winning this title!”


SMITH: “We’re out of poker tables! What do we do now?! We’re going to have to invade the poker room…Ah who cares about their 2/4 games anyhow?”

MAYES: “Grande just stumbled away from the wreckage and he’s now going under the ring…He’s got another normal table out…He’s setting that up…Mateo and Bellmoth now coming over and the three men now trading shots on each other…Grande staggered back into the ring post…Mateo with a right hand…Grande ducked and Mateo just SMASHED his hand on the ring post! Mateo clutching at his hand in agony…Grande kicks him in the gut and a NECKBREAKER puts him down…Bellmoth now hammers Grande with a right hand and another…Grande fires back…And now he drops Bellmoth throat first over the ring railing!”

SMITH: “Ah, who cares, we’re still going to have to fight half way through the casino to get to a poker table…”

MAYES: “Grande now going under the ring…He’s got out a bag, he’s holding up to the crowd!”

SMITH: “What’s he got in there? Thumbtacks? Mouse traps?”

MAYES: “It’s Poker Chips! He’s covering that table in them! Bellmoth getting up and staggered…Grande looks at the ref, who gives him a nod…Grande hooks Bellmoth…COOLER!!! GRANDE JUST COOLERED BELLMOTH THROUGH THE TABLE!!!”

SMITH: “That’s…That’s not right! NO! IT’S NOT A POKER TABLE!!!”

MAYES: “It’s got poker chips on it…What more do you need?!”

(Bell rings!)


(Crowd pops big MUSIC UP: “Mexican Radio” by Wall of Voodoo as Grande has the White Gold Las Vegas Champion’s Bracelet strapped around his wrist…He raises his arm over his head, showing off it off as he heads towards the back, looking as pumped as any masked man could!)

MAYES: “Well fans we’ve just crowned out first ever Las Vegas Champion…Before tonight’s show…We did have a bit of…Controversy you might say…Let’s play the tape.”

(CUTTO: The outside of the Mandalay Bay as fans of LVW are mingling with the rank and file Vegas Tourists…The camera shows a tired looking GENTLEMAN OF LEISURE, in the same get-up as he was at the top of the show, wondering the scene.)

GOL: “Making me walk for this stuff…LVW is paying me double for this…”

(He walks up to a group of mostly plain-featured middle-aged women dressed exclusively in pastels, blacks, and whites. You'd think they were Amish, only without bonnets. There is not a smile on any of their faces, and they look completely out of place among the remainder of the wild fans anticipating the big event. In the back, some of them hold up picket signs that read such slogans as "Vikings Promote Violence" and "LVW Supports Rape." All but the one in front begin chanting as the camera falls upon them.)


GOL: What's going on here now?

(Without warning, the woman in front, a mean-looking specimen of the female race with icy blue eyes and a sourpuss frown that could make a child run screaming, snatches the mic from his hand and barks into it.)

LEADER: You, oppressive male hound of the corporate pigs in Las Vegas Wrestling!! We've come here to protest the AUDACIOUS marketing of your vile and disgusting so-called "talents" you push upon the general God-loving public!! We are SICK and FED-UP of your penis propoganda!

GOL: What the hell are you talking about?

LEADER: YOU KNOW DAMN WELL what I'm talking about!! I'm talking about none other than that sick, loathesome BEAST of a human being, that wretched Viking, Olvir Arsvinnar!!

(The crowd around them begins to cheer wildly. The protest group chants even louder, but they're embarrassingly overwhelmed by the flood of cheers around them! The woman up front, royally pissed off, speaks louder into the mic to make herself heard.)

LEADER: That man is a womanizer, a heathen, and above all things, A RAPIST!! He represents everything that is VILE, CORRUPT, and SINFUL in this city, and what's worse is that his behavior is GLORIFIED by the federation!! Our society CANNNOT BELIEVE a sports organization that so openly EXPOSES the youth to this sort of DEBAUCHERY is allowed to continue in its affairs, supporting this horrible man's relentless desire to take women by force!!

GOL: So who are you people, anyway?

LEADER: I am Gloria Sowers-Natch!! And WE are the Pride of United Sisters Seeking Ethical Equality!!

GOL: ...P.U.S.S.E.E?

(He reels back almost immediately as a hard slap cuts into his face.)

SOWERS-NATCH: How DARE you use that term around us!! We are the PRIDE of the UNITED SISTERS SEEKING YIELDANCE, and don't you forget it!! We are here tonight on a mission, to PROTEST the subjective exposure of that ANIMAL Olvir Arsvinnar, and to see that those money-loving, secretary-abusing WOMANIZERS of corporate executives never award that putrid excuse of a man the World Title!! Could you IMAGINE the disasterous effects that we face if someone who simply SPITS in the face of morals and ethics were to stand as this federation's ICON?! Think of the effect it would have on the CHILDREN!!

Reporter: Right, well... I don't think the executives have much say in how tonight's main event is gong to go, sister. Those four guys are going to have it out, and there's really nothing anybody can do to determine who wins...

SOWERS-NATCH: That's a LIE, and you know it, you pig! And don't you EVER call me "sister" again, you phallus-imposing bigot!!

(GOL suddenly receives ANOTHER slap across the face for good measure!)

GOL: HEY, HEY now, I meant "sister" in the technical sense, since you're all "united sisters" or what not...

SOWERS-NATCH: Don't mock my intelligence, you boner-flaunting ape!

(A sudden screech can be heard around the corner, followed by a THUMP, and then a very familiar laugh...)



(The crowd is going nuts, leaning over the railing to get a better look at the action, but are unfortunately unable to see anything. GOL, meanwhile, unable to contain his excitement, leave's the P.U.S.S.E.E. behind to get a glimpse, camera jogging in tow, moving at a speed not normal for him. They turn around the corner just in time to see a trail of smoke leading further down the street and around the bend dissipating in the air. Prone on the ground are two men, typical looking frat guys with short hair and stupid faces. Now, they look groggy, kinda like that feeling you get when you watch anything that features Sarah Jessica Parker. GOL is over them immediately, helping one man to his feet. There's a large tire mark crossing over his chest.)

GOL: My God, what happened?!

FIRST GUY: Uhhh...?


(Getting a response from the second man, GOL drops the FIRST GUY back on the road with award-winning apathy. The sound of his head hitting the asphalt is one that is enjoyed by very few. GOL, meanwhile, helps the second guy, pale and wide-eyed, as though he seen a ghost.)


GOL: Who? WHO?!


Shrieking Voice Off-Screen: ARGH!!

(The camera spins around. GLORIA SOWERS-NATCH and her following of nun drop-outs have followed GOL to the scene, and has heard every word.)

SOWERS-NATCH: HE'S DONE IT AGAIN!! That male pig!! Come on, Sisters! We must liberate these poor victims from the tyrants clutches!!

(Donning their signs and chanting in unison, the P.U.S.S.E.E. rally around the block in search of the culprit.)

(CUTTO: The broadcast table)

MAYES: “Fans, who knows what other madness we’re going to have happen tonight?!”

SMITH: “None that can compare to the outrage of this screwjob of poor Bill Bellmoth! THAT WAS NOT A POKER TABLE!”

MAYES: “The ref said it was...So it was...We’ll be right back after this series of Ads hyping shows and events in the MGM casinos."

(Ads for Ka, and the De La Hoya fight.)

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