LET'S DO THIS, MOTHERFUCKERS.

[Mike Best]

Look, we've both been here before. Let's not beat around the bush.

You want this. I can see it in your eyes. You've been teasing me all night, with your sideways glances and your in-depth Twitter romances that are oddly played out completely in the public eye.

I am a Hall of Famer. I am an eight time HOW World Champion. I have held twenty fucking singles titles in that company-- indisputably, I am the single greatest wrestler in the history of High Octane Wrestling. You know HOW, right? That company that you all fucking hate because it's been open longer than six months and isn't afraid to treat women and cripples like sub-par human beings. That company that is so far ahead of the talent curve that there is an actual exchange rate to title wins in other companies.

1 HOW World Championship = 8 UTA World Championships.
1 UTA World Championships = 8 Boardwalk World Championship
1 Boardwalk World Championship = 2,322 Forum Based World Championships

By this exchange rate, Michael Lee Best is a 148,608 time World Champion in literally any company with a fucking X in it's name, which I assume means most of you. If I won a GeoCities World Championship once an hour, on the hour, without stopping to jerk off, sleep, or eat a sandwich? It would still take me SEVENTEEN FUCKING YEARS of constant roster humiliation to win enough titles in your respective companies to equal the power and prestige of 8 fucking HOW World Championships.

I might eliminate every single one of you.

Twice.

I might get so fucking bored of this unfortunately named BATTLEMANIA that I start dragging you mindless faggots back into the ring, one by one, just to throw you over the top again. I might start eliminating referees, timekeepers, and members of your immediate family. I'm going to eliminate so many motherfuckers in this match that the United Nations is going to issue sanctions and label it a fucking genocide. Your children's children will remember this as the failure that doomed your families to poverty and ridicule.

I am Michael Lee fucking Best.

Let's see what you've got.

 

[Jman2k3]

Hi Mike.

 

[Mike Best]

Shut up, Stevens. You're terrible. You probably only would have won 735 GeoCities World Championships by now, and I bet all of your romances take place over DM.

You're only here because if I get violently ill and can only eliminate half of these lame ass Fisher Price children, you'll be there to stumble your way into still being twice as good as anyone who isn't in HOW.

 

[Cyrith]

You know Mike, I was kinda amused by you. Spouting off about titles and exchange rates, running down old naming conventions from the nineties, good shit. Standard background misogyny, unfortunate, but I'll let others leap down your throat for that one. But then you had to go and drop my least favorite word.

See, Michael, I like to fuck guys and I grew up in Salt Lake. I've been called faggot plenty. But I'm not an underweight little slip of a Nancy boy anymore. I'm a tightly muscled Nancy boy with a thing for blood and a kick like 151. So I don't have to just take it on the chin when people say horribly ignorant shit anymore. Now I get to beat them into a senseless quivering pile. And now you're on my radar. Good luck honey.

 

[Mike Best]

Faggot.

 

[Cyrith]

And he's creative! Be still my heart.

At least elaborate. Am I a cock-sucking faggot, a goddamn faggot, are you just trying to say I'm very skinny? If you're going to toss out hate speech at least put more than two seconds of thought into it. Of course, if you were capable of maintaining cognizant thought for more than two seconds you'd likely not be such an ignorant bigot. So I can understand why that won't happen.

 

[LivingLegendAmp]

What in the ultimate fuck is a Boardwalk World Heavyweight Title? Do you even look at anything outside of HOW, or are you going to go into this thing blind, Best?

 

[Mike Best]

I started ignoring Boardwalk around the time it came onto our radio show and got butthurt. I assume you have a World Title. You probably call it the "Dancing Robot Championship" or something, but it's the same worthless piece of leather and gold.

And Cyrith, you're the kind of faggot who gets offended by the sounds that people make with their mouths. I don't care if you suck dick-- at least it'll keep your mouth closed for a few fucking minutes.

 

[Cyrith]

OOC: Johnny Raike, cyrith is my handle

You can't suck dick with your mouth closed, that's physically impossible. Get some outside of a glory hole and you would know that. And see, was it really so hard to elaborate? And yes, I can be gotten to with words. We all can. That's part of being human.

I love this attitude people have of being king shit because they care so little for themselves or others that nothing ever cuts deep. When really it's just a sign that your life is so void of meaning you'd possibly be better swan diving onto the nearest pile of rocks and ending your meaningless existence.

I care. Because I'm a fully functional person with emotional maturity beyond that of a kumquat. Interpret that as weak, I don't mind. Be prepared for multiple boots to the head. And I'll be ready for whatever you have.

 

[Megastory4]

Looks to ol' auntie Emevlas that a certain Best has problems makin' friends. That doesn't truly make one the best, does it... Mikey?

*chuckle*

 

[The Entertainer]

Hey Mike, Lee or whatever your name is. My name is Darren Best - no relation of course. I'm not competing in the Battlemania, but want to wish you the very BEST - pun intended - in eliminating everyone twice.

Don't let me or our name down. I'll be counting on you, old sport.

 

[Ryan Omega]

Blue Suede Bruce fucked two bitches during your rant.

 

[Mike Best]

And I'm sure both PETA and the ASPCA are planning to protest your appearance in BATTLEMANIA because of it, too.

Get it? Because bitch can also mean dog. And I'm implying that you couldn't fornicate with an actual woman.

 

[Ryan Omega]

Blue Suede Bruce has no time for implications when Blue Suede Bruce can feel the truth.

 

[Ian Bishop]

Blue Suede Bruce has no time for implications when Blue Suede Bruce can feel the truth.

You talk in third person? Oh god! If there is one thing I fucking hate in this world... is idiots like you. Mike Best seems tolerable at this rate with all the dumb shits actually in this match. I'm grabbing my ear plugs so I don't have to hear this crap.

 

[Mike Best]

If "the truth" is ten hard inches of Mike Best roto-rooting his colon and then leaving him in a bargain bin with every other shitty Elvis impersonator gimmick on the planet, then yes, you'll feel the truth very soon.

 

[Ryan Omega]

Blue Suede Bruce didn't know your bum hole was 10 inches deep... Blue Suede Bruce doesn't judge. Love me tender.

 

[Mark Kingston]

Blue Suede Bruce doesn't judge.

Coming from an asshole that turned on his own tag team partner. Good luck with that.

 

[Ryan Omega]

Coming from an asshole that turned on his own tag team partner. Good luck with that.

Josh Stewart turned on Blue Suede Bruce when he didn't reach for them Twin City Championships. Blue Suede Bruce is a star... Blue Suede Bruce is a businessman. Blue Suede Bruce only made a business decision based on Josh Stewart's selfish acts. Blue Suede Bruce would appreciate it if you didn't come to Blue Suede Bruce with childish accusations. However if you want some entertainment, Blue Suede Bruce could wiggle his pelvis for you... for $150.

 

[Cyrith]

...Blue Suede Bruce could wiggle his pelvis for you... for $150.

Fuck that noise, I'll do it for free. Tipping, however, is encouraged.