You can't smoke a Christmas Tree
(Generic newscast clip music plays over a highlight reel of b-roll footage, cutting from tornados touching down to sky-pilot shots of buildings on fire.)
Announcer V/O
Coming to you live from the WNEB studio in downtown Omaha... this is PREMIER ACTION NEWS!
(A poorly animated SFX explosion gives way to a colorful title splash, which quickly wipes away as the soundstage is lit up. Sitting behind a desk is a man who is more orange than a carrot and a woman with a hairstyle that looks like it came from '92. They greet the viewers at home with typical newscasters smiles -- fake and plastic, with teeth as white as cotton.)
Anchor Mack Halloway
Welcome to tonight's edition of Premier Action News, Omaha. I'm Mack Halloway.
Co-Anchor Raquel McSchwartzolski
And I'm Raquel McSchwartzolski.
Anchor Mack Halloway
On tonight's show... we get an inside look at the police efforts to stop drug trafficking in suburbia.
Co-Anchor Raquel McSchwartzolski
But first... an emotional report on a bizarre occurrence that happened right here in the city of Omaha.
(A graphic fades in out of space as the camera focuses in on the co-anchor with the offensively voluminous feathered hair. The image shows a Christmas tree apparently obstructed by police tape. The caption reads "Ho- Ho-HELP!")
Co-Anchor Raquel McSchwartzolski
Earlier today, mall shoppers and their children were horrified as a seemingly deranged man caused a scene at the Santa Claus exhibit. Sal Mobotomonopolis was there with the story...
(Half a second of dead air as Raquel McSchwartzolski's blank stare freezes up like a deer in headlights... then we cut to the taped segment. We get some b-roll of security guards patrolling the area, conferring among each other, speaking into walkie-talkies... parents trying to console their bawling, in some cases hysterical, children... and, of course, Santa's "throne" upon the red-carpeted dais where children would come to sit on the seasonal icon's lap and tell him of their innocent desires, roped off by yellow police tape.)
Sal Mobotomonopolis V/O
On any given day this December, children would come here to visit the famous Santa Claus, sit upon the lap of Jolly Saint Nick, and whisper into his ear their what they wanted to see under the Christmas tree on Christmas Day. But today, just a little after three in the afternoon... something went horribly wrong.
(Cut to the testimonial of a soccer mom, on the verge of tears as her daughter seems to be in a state of catatonia.)
Concerned Mother
...I... I don't know what prompted it! All I know is that my daughter was right in the middle of being photographed with Santa Claus, and this CRAZY MAN just starts SCREAMING all of this nonsense...
(Cut to Sal whatever his last name is... a young, sharp-looking reporter with a witty glint in his eye.)
Sal Mobotomonopolis
Sarah Hardy was one of at least two dozen other concerned parents and some twenty-eight innocent children on scene when the alleged "crazy man" approached the mall's Santa Claus exhibit... incoherently and aggressively shouting at the Christmas legend seated upon the throne. When mall security agents attempted to remove the man from the building, he became aggressive, attacking many of the guards and other employees on site acting in the interest of protecting the shoppers and children in the immediate vicinity. Their efforts, however... did nothing to help the situation. I managed to get a word in with Earl Fogherty, head of mall security, to get his side of the story.
(Cut to the head of the security staff in his testimonial. He's an older guy, probably pushing his late fifties... overweight, glasses, white-haired crew cut. Probably a hell of a bowler.)
Head of Mall Security Earl Fogherty
...this man, uh... this unidentified white male we are currently searching for... well, he banged up a few of my boys.
Sal Mobotomonopolis O/C
And could you explain why your security team was unable to restrain just one man?
Head of Mall Security Earl Fogherty
Well, uh... you see, our first attempts of using non-aggressive means of counter-action had, uh... well, they had no effect.
Sal Mobotomonopolis O/C
What about pepper spray? Isn't that standard issue for security guards?
Head of Mall Security Earl Fogherty
Well, uh... as I said, after our non-aggressive means of counter-action had no effect, uh, we uh, we tried resorting to pepper spray, which, yes, uh, is standard issue for my security team. However, uh... this individual, whom we are looking for, uh, apparently was not affected by the spray. We, uh, have reason to believe he was possible under the influence of some, uh... illegal substances.
(Cut back to Sal on the scene.)
Sal Mobotomonopolis
"Illegal substances."
Mr. Fogherty's testimony matches that of many other eyewitnesses on the scene that report that the man acted as though he were intoxicated or under the influence of drugs. But the story only gets worse from here...
(Cut to balding, portly man in a red coat and a big ol's shiner on his left eye and a fake beard hanging off his face.)
Sal Mobotomonopolis O/C
Could you tell our viewers exactly what happened, Mister, uh, Claus?
"Santa Claus"
Yeah, I can tell them what happened. While Santa was up on his seat ready to take the next little boy on his lap, this SON OF A *BLEEP!* comes running up and DROPKICKS ME!
Sal Mobotomonopolis O/C
Uh, sir... could I remind you that there are children watching at home?
"Santa Claus"
Pal, you don't know the day I've had. Along with that whacko knockin' me out earlier, I got MISSUS CLAUS all up my *BLEEP!* over the money these cheap *BLEEP!* won't fork over up front!
(Back to Sal, now in the studio.)
Sal Mobotomonopolis
After his assault on Santa Claus, the unidentified man fled the scene and is still at large by city police. And don't worry, folks... Santa Claus has returned to the North Pole to recover over a nice cup of cocoa made by Mrs. Claus... and to be in good shape for his big night here in just a couple weeks!
(Cut to a shot of the entire desk as Sal looks over to the co-anchors with a smirk. They put up robotic smiles, snickering at the humorous end statement. The camera focuses on Mack Halloway. A graphic pops up next to his head... a sketch artist rendering of the assailant in the mall occurrence. The man is white, bleary-eyed, and sporting a shaggy beard and uncut hair. He looks rather unkempt and homeless.)
Anchor Mack Halloway
Thanks always, Sal. A nice cup of cocoa from Mrs. Claus always puts me right in shape.
More information now on the unidentified assailant... witnesses described him as a white male, between the ages of twenty to thirty, standing approximately five foot eight to five foot eleven inches tall and weighing between 200 to 250 pounds. He has long brown hair, brown eyes, heavily tattooed, and is described as having a vague odor about him. Any information on the whereabouts of this man should be called into our station through the number at the bottom of the screen.
Next up... an inside look at the drug trafficking issue in our suburban streets! But first, these words from our sponsors...
(Fade to commercials, and thank Odin, cause I'm tired of typing those ridiculous names...)
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(Supplementary audio recommendation -- "At Giza" by Om.)
(Aurora borealis drifted over the cloud-covered skies as the DRUID marched through the tundra of the icy, barren landscape of OMAHA. Smoking his pipe with ginger wit -- and wholly realizing that the bag of shrooms he ate earlier were finally kicking in -- the ancient keeper of lore and seeker of the magic herb marched out of the forest of towering dark green pines.)
(Their peaks stretched high overhead as he tip-toed around the dark and silent sentinels. Noble plants indeed... but non-smokeable, he daringly realized.)
(As he came toward the citadel, the gateway to the monster's layer came open. No doubt, his infernal Winter magic was expecting the Druid's coming. With a cautious step, the robed and bearded sage crossed the threshold and entered...)
(...and there before him he saw the CLAWED DEMON!! The red and white bastard stood there defiantly GUFFAWING upon his throne. Sadistically cackling at his sides were his damned hellish imps... grinning with malice as they plucked one among the mass of sacrificial lambs gathered around the dais.)
(Puffing a cloud through his nostrils with a defiant flare, the Druid stepped forward.)
The Druid
UNHAND THE RAM, you cretin!
(All at once, the entire world turned to him. The red demon eyes turned to red FIRE!)
The Red Winter King
HOOOHOOOOHOOOOO!!!
The Druid
The time of repentance has COME, foolish Winter King! I have come from the Holy Land to FREE this world of your ICY GRIP!
(Devouring the bleating sheep already placed upon his altar, the Winter King burst to his feet.)
The Red Winter King
Have you gone MAD?!
The Druid
Mad?! HA!! I'm the only person on this planet who is SANE anymore!!
It is YOU who is mad, Winter King! Your hypnotic spell on this planet has led the good people to fall under the sway of YOUR demands! But your evil reign stops NOW, fat man!
The Red Winter King
This is PREPOSTEROUS! Where are my GUARDS!?
(At that moment, the king's towering Robot Sentinels stepped forward to intercept him.)
Robot Guard
Uh... sir, could, uh... you kindly leave the premises?
(Puffing out yet another cloud of smoke from his pipe, the Druid boldly stared the robot in the face, already hatching a plan in his head.)
The Druid
Why, of course, I think I'll --
SPONGE TURTLES CHICKEN NAILS!!
(As planned, the robot guard stalled briefly, its circuits fried by the illogical overload of the statement. The second was all the Druid needed to unleash a masterful double-flipping Hurricanrana, throwing the cyborg into a crowd of others and sending them scattering like bowling pins. The flock of sheep SCREAMED at the joy of their liberation!)
The Red Winter King
OUTRAGEOUS!! STOP HIM!!
(By his command, the impish servants came forward to protect their master... but once again, the demon's subordinates were smote by the Druid's expert maneuverability, destroying an entire throng of the hobgoblins with a spinning front-flipping three-quarter facelock bulldog through a stack of flaming tables that just inexplicably happened to be in the area. Finally, there was nothing left but the fat man himself.)
The Druid
So much for your protection! Now we gotta do this the easy way or the hard way?
(Scowling, the Winter King's famous Claws rose and tore away at his face...)
The Red Winter King
FOOL!! I am not SANTA CLAUS!!
(...and as the fake visage was torn aside, the Winter King's TRUE alien form was revealed! He was indeed hideous! His lies exposed at last, the sheep BLEATED with enthusiasm!)
The Druid
So, you've shown your TRUE form, Winter King! And DANG, dude! Use a Stridex pad, or something!
The Red Winter King
What are you BABBLING about?!
The Druid
I'll tell ya what I'm babbling about: ME kicking YOUR ass!
Okay, Frosty... time for me to whip out my trademark Widowmaker Corkscrew Dropkick Special... so rare, that I had to travel directly into the UNDERWORLD just to ask Mitsuharu Misawa to teach it to me!
HAVE AT YOU!
(With a triumphant guffaw, the Druid spryly LUNGED through the air, shooting fireballs out of his fists and destroying the Winter King's magic protective shield. Then, he unleashed the twirling missile dropkick, landing the blow directly in the Winter King's heart -- his only known weak point -- and banishing the beast back to the realm of destruction!)
The Red Winter King
NO-HO-HOOOOOO!!!
(Triumphant in the wake of battle, and with an endless see of bleating sheep around him, the Druid went to the red devil's treasure trove of illustrious giant jewels. Cackling as a warlord would, he raised one hefty ruby high over his head for all to see.)
The Druid
BOW TO ME, you worthless sheep! I am the Red King of Winter NOW!
(It was at that moment he saw another force of robot guards approaching.)
The Druid
Zounds! I must make HASTE!
(With a swirl of his long robe, the Druid spun around and fled with his plunder...)
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("The Druid" Erik Black woke up on a bed of evergreen firs, looking as though he's been snowed on for the past few hours. He shakes the white flakes from his hair and looks around to identify his surroundings.)
"The Druid" Erik Black
Oh... wow, man, that was some trip...
...where the hell am I?
(A shadow falls over him. It's Doug, the Tree Vendor... and the guy that sold him that bag of shrooms.)
Doug the Tree Vendor
Dude... you're like, FAMOUS now. I saw you on the news last night.
"The Druid" Erik Black
Whuh...?
Doug the Tree Vendor
Whole city is talking about it! How you just stormed into the mall and did some kung fu to take out Santa Claus, his elves, and a bunch of security guards. Pretty epic shit, man.
(Feeling something prodding his back, Erik sits up briefly and reveals himself to be lying on a crushed cubical Christmas present wrapped in shiny red paper. It looks very similar to the "jewel" he supposedly "dreamed" earlier.)
"The Druid" Erik Black
Oh man! Those MUSHROOMS! That dream was REAL!
Doug the Tree Vendor
What were you thinking, man?
"The Druid" Erik Black
I dunno... I thought I was doing the world a favor.
Doug the Tree Vendor
By kicking Santa's fat ass?
(Quite abruptly, Black JUMPED to his feet... staggering for a moment as the blood drained from his brain. He leaned against one of the trees on the lot to maintain his balance and continued on his train of thought...)
"The Druid" Erik Black
Of COURSE! I mean, do you understand the PURPOSE of Christmas these days? It's all about consumerism and self-gratification! People tear open their wallets and throw their hard-earned cash for chintzy junk because COMMERCIALS tell them they just gotta have it all.
So yeah, I KICKED Santa's ass! I exposed him for the FRAUD he really is, and no doubt, traumatized all those kids! But hey, man, it's all a LIE anyway!! I did nothing but show those little bastards just how easily they can be duped by the adult society.
Welcome to the FREE WORLD, kids -- you don't know SHIT!!
Doug the Tree Vendor
But dude, 'tis the season or some junk.
You want to buy a Christmas tree?
"The Druid" Erik Black
What good is a CHRISTMAS tree to me?! You can't SMOKE it!
You want a vintage Crimson Calling t-shirt?
Doug the Tree Vendor
Who the hell are the Crimson Calling?
"The Druid" Erik Black
Nevermind, uh... say, tell you what...
I'll take another bag of those shrooms... but now that I've got the heat on me, you mind if I chill here for a while?
Doug the Tree Vendor
...what in the TREE LOT?! Are you just gonna camp here, or something?
"The Druid" Erik Black
I COULD! I'm telling you, man... there's a possibility that I might have to go seriously John Rambo on the entire town of Omaha. If that's the case, then it's probably in everyone's best interest that I lay low before I start killing cops left and right with my judo...
Doug the Tree Vendor
Dude, are you high?
"The Druid" Erik Black
Extremely. But that's not the POINT...
You in?
Doug the Tree Vendor
...yeah, sure. Just, don't burn down the trees, or something. And make sure my manager doesn't find you.
But you can only stay until next Tuesday.
"The Druid" Erik Black
Why?
Doug the Tree Vendor
Most of the lot has been purchased already. They ship out next Tuesday to the Qwest Center for some big event there.
"The Druid" Erik Black
...perfect.
Doug the Tree Vendor
You know something about it?
"The Druid" Erik Black
I MIGHT! A certain Christmas Tree Lot brawl... FIVE MEN, one goal, with a crucible of Christmas trees to watch them settle it! I am one of those five men... and at Unplugged, under the influence of a heroic strain of dankness, I will vanquish the other four standing in my way, and exit the Evergreen Forest with a shot at Cameron Cruise!
Doug the Tree Vendor
Man, you must be REALLY high, cause I have NO IDEA what you're talking about. What the hell is a Cameron Cruise and where the fudge is Unplugged?
"The Druid" Erik Black
It's a SHOW... happening at the arena.
And Cameron Cruise is a dude. A very bland and pompous dude. But bland and pompous ain't so bad for a TV Champ, compared to what I've got to filter out in this match!
Jeff "Greenhorn" Jorgensen? Don't be deceived by his name... there is NOTHING "green" about this man! And that J in his last name is TOTALLY not silent! A'HYUK!!
Then there's that guy who's name I can't pronounce, so everybody calls him JGX. That guy got plagued by a SERIOUS case of munchies, and now he's HUGE! But can he climb trees? Well, if he can, then I'd like to see him TRY IT! I kicked one fat man's ass in this town, and I aim to do it again!
Mr. Entertainment? Try Mr. Obvious. Entertainment is so zero's.
Doug the Tree Vendor
What the hell are the "zero's"?
"The Druid" Erik Black
You know, two-thousand to two-thousand-nine?
Larry Tact? Welcome to the mid-card. Hope you enjoy your stay, because you'll be here with us for a LONG time.
Then we've got John Doe... you know, the amnesiac who even the rest of the world forgets, must less himself. He'd rather bitch and moan about being put in this kind of match. Me? I don't mind. Yeah, there'll be some scratchy pinecone scraping here and there, and possibly some creative uses with Christmas lights and ornaments... no doubt it will hurt, on the receiving end of that.
Thing is, I'M the one that does drugs... I'M the one that thinks outside the box... and I'M the one walking into this match with the most out-of-this-world ideas that they couldn't POSSIBLY see them coming!
They want to make Seasons Greetings "Seasons Beatings?" Man, I got a Santa sack full of bright little presents that will make you THINK your Jesus, let alone celebrate his death day, all for the low, low price of $40! I'll even throw in a Crimson Calling t-shirt!
Doug the Tree Vendor
I thought he was born on Christmas?
"The Druid" Erik Black
Ah, I can't remember anymore...
Doug the Tree Vendor
Can I go now?
"The Druid" Erik Black
Sure, man. Thanks for the lot.
Doug the Tree Vendor
Just don't do anything stupid. I'll be back later...
(The pipsqueak teenager of Christmas tree salesman leaves the lot, locking the gate behind him. Erik Black finds a spot to sit and meditate at the trunk of a substantially tall evergreen, staying out of the snow as he puffs his pipe into the night.)