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Bracing for the storm

The Great Eye

I came to cut you up
Jan 29, 2004
(FADEIN: Greenie sitting at a computer, he's looking at his e-mail.)

GREENIE: Pr0n...Pr0n...Oh look, all natural dick pills...I really need to get a better spam filter....What a letter from Bart? "You better prepare for this." Oh dear...

(Greenie opens mail, gets to the following link.)


(Greenie finishes watching video...He lets out a long sigh.)

GREENIE: F*ck me...Oh lord...This is not going to end well...Hell Doc might no show his semi-finals match...Assuming he overcomes the overwhelming onslaught of Duke Williams...

(CUTTO: Greenie now at a Gamestop)

GREENIE: OK, so how does this stupid game work...

CLERK: Well you have a drum kit, two guitars, lead guitar and bass guitar, and vocals.

GREENIE: Hmmm, Doc's gonna want drums...He's always the mastermind of everything and that's how he feels about Butch Vig...And he sure as hell isn't letting a guy anywhere near vocals, so I guess we'll have to get Ryoko off whatever drugs she's currently abusing and get her in there. So I guess I'm gonna be playing guitar.

CLERK: So...ummm...You want the whole set up?

GREENIE: Yes, give me everything, and whatever friggin' Guitar hero games you got, lemme have them all, and pre order me like 10 copies of guitar hero 5...Doc's most likely start handing them out as homework to everyone.

CLERK: Wow, this is going to be my best commission ever!

(CUTTO: Greenie, playing Guitar hero somewhere in Doc's estate)

GREENIE: Stupid wife demanding sex and crap...I can't be distracted woman...Of course now I have to hide this from Doc, once he gets wind of what's going on it'll be all over...

(Greenie plays a song, does really badly and fails it)

GREENIE: DAMMIT...This stupid game is gonna give me a stroke! And the sad thing is, this is going to be the easiest part of it all...It'll be the boot camp from hell once Doc gets wind of this...

DOC: (shouting from off camera) My computer is screwing up, I'm going to use the one you got set up in the spare room...

GREENIE: (Yelling) Sure thing!...(Greenie goes to start another song) Oh wait...F*CK THAT VIDEO IS STILL UP ON MY COMPUTER!!!

(CUTTO: Doc almost into the room when Greenie charges past him and begins frantically clicking his mouse)

DOC: What the hell are you doing?! You had up some kiddie porn or something? I haven't seen you run like that in ages.

GREENIE: Oh it was nothing...

DOC: Nothing my ass, your back is a mess, you run like that and you hurt for a week...

GREENIE: Look I just forgot I had a buncha stuff running and wanted to get rid of it so the computer wouldn't lag on you, you get whining when there's lag...

DOC: No, you're hiding something from me...(Jokingly) The game is afoot...(Doc sits at the computer) let's do a google on Shirley...See if you got the inside dope on something...Victim of swine flu? Ate some haggis? This is made up garbage...That isn't it...Hmmm...I'll figure you out Greenie...

GREENIE: You do that Doc Holmes, master sleuth...

(CUTTO: Greenie again failing another song.)

GREENIE: ARGH!! How can anyone play this friggin' game?! So maddening...I can't even deal with this...(Greenie plops down in a chair looking dejected. After a few moments Doc opens the door and walks in.)

DOC: Guitar Hero? What the hell?

GREENIE: (Nervously) Yeah...I figured I'd try it out...I'm not doing so well so far...

DOC: Was this what you were hiding from me before? Guitar Hero stuff to do with Garbage? I mean, there's been a few of their songs on some of this stuff already and I never cared...So this can't be it...

GREENIE: Yeah my big secret isn't guitar hero, you figured that much out...

DOC: I mean, they would have to have Only Happy When It Rains on the game with Shirley Manson as a playable character for me give a damn...

(The blood drains from Greenie's face)

GREENIE: (Nearly hyperventilating) Yeah...What would the odds of that be...

DOC: Well good luck on your new hobby, maybe it'll keep you away from the friggin' sportsbooks.

GREENIE: Yeah, thanks...

(Doc leaves)

(CUTTO: Greenie, apparently a few hours later, now finishing a song)

GREENIE: Finally...I feel like I can get the hang of this...Maybe in like 3-4 more days I'll be able to--

DOC: (Screaming from off camera) HOLY F*CKING SH*T SHE IS IN THE GAME AND OHWIR IS THE SONG!!! YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!! (Footsteps can he heard) You hid this from me, Greenie?! You're gonna die!!!

GREENIE: Oh f*ck me!

(Doc opens the door a bit...Then changes his mind and shuts the door)

DOC: (Yelling through the door) Nah, you stay in there, you ain't leaving, tell your wife you're kidnapped...She isn't seeing you again till you're beating songs on expert...

GREENIE: I can barely pass medium right now...

DOC: Well you're going to have to up your game, now aren't you? We got work to do...You better be ready for September 1...And you're damn right you're on friggin' guitar, you try to take drums I'll put you in the hospital...

(Doc can be heard walking away.)

(Greenie looks at the TV...Looks at the guitar controller...Shakes his head.)

GREENIE: Times like this I wish that piano had killed me...

(After another moment or two, Greenie gets back to playing.)


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