We find ourselves once more in the company of three men who are rapidly becoming accostomed to appearing in front of EPW cameras. This time around they stand in front of a shiny new King of the Cage backdrop, they are of course Dirk Dickwood Presents, Cecilworth Farthington and Hank. Hank continues to wear his black "HANK" t-shirt and stands up against the wall, leaning against the backdrop, his arms folded in front of his chest. Cecilworth Farthington is dressed to the nines in his fanciest of fancy 3-piece suits, in his hand he holds a well known sight to many wrestling fans, a Zero Halliburton briefcase
Dirk Dickwood stands at the front of the scene, puffing away on his cigar without a care in the world until he notices that Farthington is very visibly agitated.
Farthington: What the hell Dirk? WHAT THE BLOODY HELL? That man is scary! He uses scary words, y'know... scary words! He has face paint, he has the budget for it! That's a man with very little to care for in this world, yah? Y'know, like, this... this isn't going to work. He's right! You're a damn leech to the grand Farthington name. I'll be damned if my beautiful family name, a name that has survived the ages and still has a sterling reputation while others were be-felled by moats for ducks, is going to be smashed into the tiniest of pieces by this EPW endeavor, whatever that is. I am not going out there to be destroyed by some low rent goth and his babbling incoherent friend! I AM OUT OF HERE AND SO IS MY RUDDY MONEY!
Farthington begins to walk off camera, Dirk chasing close behind, both going out of shot.
Dickwood: CECIL! C-MONEY! DON'T DO THIS TO ME! I CAN TOTALLY MAKE THIS WORK! CECIL! CECIL!!
There is a brief moment of silence, as Hank talks tall and wordlessly in front of the camera, piercing a glaze that shows future moments of murder that are in store for anyone who dares to observe him. After a brief moment we hear two men howling with laughter as Dirk and Cecil return in front of the camera in near hysterics.
Dickwood: Ahahaha, ahaha, ahhhhh...
Dirk wipes a tear from his eye.
Dickwood: That was a good one. You know, I thought you were the smarter one of the two Mr. The First but your little stunt, that "What's EPW" bundle of joy you just shat in front of the fans of this fine company then insisted it was delicious candy, that shows that you underestimate what that team is capable of even more than Cameron "I Think the Entire Roster is in this Match" Cruise.
Did you really think a man as educated as Cecilworth and a man with as much links to this fucking industry as me were going to fall for "Mind Games 101". That we were going to tear each other throats out because you fancy yourself as something of a puppetmaster? Now sure, my idiot son, dear ole Phil, he would've bought it hook, line and sinker. He would have been off to the first brothel he could lay his filthy hands on rather than show up at Aggression. Cecilworth? He's an intelligent man. He has been educated at the finest education institutes you could possibly attention...
Farthington: YAH! ETONIAN, OXONIAN, BITCHES!
Dirk gives the mildest of eye rolls.
Dickwood: Thank you Mr. Farthington. The point is, we're not idiots, this ain't the Dirkmeister first rodeo. First, you don't serve us a shit salad then try to pretend it was a shit sundae. This isn't babby's first walk in the park. You really think threats of violence and BOOING, seriously BOOING was going to stop this unit? This family? Cecilworth, maybe it's time to put things into a little context for this confused gothic friend of ours.
Farthington: Yah, totes, I was booed coming out of the womb! Dear papa, Lord Farthington really wanted a girl. Took a good few canings on the backside that night let me tell ya! Do you know what the fucking proles in jolly old England think of men like me? Do you know how many buckets of piss I have totes had to avoid? I mean yah, it really makes a case for putting the poor into some kind of camp until they learn to respect individuals like myself. Being a member of the ruling classes should be amazeballs but some bloody chav always ruins it! Bloody chavs Dirk!
Dirk gives Cecilworth a reassuring pat on the back as the awful memories of the time he was stabbed in the bottom with a knife wash over him.
Dickwood: I would say that you should disregard us on your own peril but it won't come down to that. We're all gentlemen is this match... well most of us are. So instead of walking down that long winding path where I explain to you in deep detail why we will beat you, I thought I would instead make things a bit more interesting. I'm an agent, I'm a manager, I'm an expert negotiator and I believe in win-win situations. Or in the case of this match, win-win-win. None of us have to walk away from that cage as losers. We can have our cake and eat it and that is just dandy.
Dirk makes a signal to Cecilworth who slams the briefcase he was holding on top of the little table in front of the men.
Farthington: Yah, y'know, I, like, got this mad wad from Accounting Ethel yesterday. This case is loaded with many thousands of green people from history times, I know you damn yanks can't get enough of that shit.
Dirk gently guides Farthington away from the camera and opens of the case to reveal indeed it is full of the maddest cash money.
Dickwood: Let's give the EPW fans what they want! They don't want to see two weird, unknown foreigners take down some of EPW's best. Just think of the heart break it would cause the little kiddies as they openly weep into their Cameron Cruise foam fingers. No, let's make this a win-win-win. How do we achieve that? Well that part is really the simplest. After all, simplicity is beauty.
Cruise, First, you enter the cage. Dirk and Hank will also enter the cage. We'll bring the briefcase with us but I'll hang on to it until my damn conditions are satisfied. From there all you have to do is wait. That's all. Wait. Stay in your damn stations and let Hank and Cecilworth sail out over the top of the cage to the sweet ground below. In return, this briefcase will miraculously find its way into the ring.
From there, I don't give a damn. Tear each other apart, give the fans a damn good show. Fight over the briefcase for all I care, the fans will be ecstatic. They'll be phoning their friends, telling them to tune in because there is some amazing shit going down on Aggression, "Cruise is out for blood! He wants revenge!" they'll yell to their wonky faced obese friend down the Skype line. No one will even remember we were here. The fans will win because they get to see Cruise and The First got at it once again, we win because we get to progress in this little enterprise and you guys win because clearly you are more interested in each other than you are us. Plus you get a fat wad of cash too! That's merely a bonus!
Don't say no though, I don't want to break your precious EPW's crowds heart as two "know nuttin' outsiders" tear down the firey passionate Cameron Cruise and the man they love to hate, the man who fancies himself as EPW's anti-hero. That's turning a win-win-win into a win-lose-lose and as a negotiator, it would break my heart to be the one to cause that. You both know the smart choice, you both know what you want.
Farthington: WHAT YOU REALLY, REALLY WANT!
Dickwood: Okay, this is over. I'm done.
Dirk takes off his microphone and slams it to the ground walking out of shot as Farthington continues to sing a rousing rendition of the Spice Girl's hit song, "Wannabe".