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WRESTLEVERSE III - Layne Winters vs. Shawn Hart

LQJT86C

Where's my money, Chad?
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(FADEIN: PAMELA is sitting in a kitchen chair, legs crossed, cleavage a mile deep on prominent display as she adjusts her white tanktop and earings. She moves the chair to center with the camera and shoves aside some People magazines that are hanging off the edge of the table next to her)

PAMELA: With Wrestleverse comin' up soon, this Jerzey girl would like ta' say a few things about her man's opponent, Shawn Jessica Hart. It's not awftin that we hear a women's perspective in this business- excuse me, a real woman's perspective. But I feel it's my duty ta' speak out on behalf of the fans, females in general, and of kawss, my man and fyoocha EPW World Champion "New School" Layne Winters. This industry needs REAL MEN, and I hate ta break it to ya Shawny, but you just ain't cuttin' it hunny. Females like men who sweat and bleed and work hard. Meanwhile Shawn, you're off prancin' around, sissy fightin' people, plus you got a better tan than all of my girlfriends, and they're goin' to the salawwn every week! And I SWEAH TA GAWD, I know I saw you spendin' way too much time at the ladies perfume counta at Bloomin'dales trying to smell better than your half-sista, which, by the way, that sh(bleep) is just f(bleep)in' creepy, awright? Nobody not from Alabama wants ta see that.

Shawny, Jessica, Bubbles, sweethawt, I feel for ya, I really do. It's obvious ya just a woman trapped in a man's body doin' ya metrosexual best to break free. But ya gotta understand, while you're out there actin' like you're at a Playgirl photoshoot or somethin', Layne is in the ring crackin' skulls like a real man does. And personally, some of the sh(bleep) you do is offensive ta me as a woman.

(A door to another room opens off camera, as an irritated LAYNE WINTERS interrupts PAMELA)

LAYNE: SHUT...

PAMELA: (trying to get her sentence in over Layne) Like tawkin' about mastur-

LAYNE: ...THE F(BLEEP)...UP...

PAMELA: ...while you're awn camera, and there's ki-

LAYNE: ...WHILE I'M TRYING...

PAMELA: (hurriedly)...and I just think that-

LAYNE: (SLAPS! a half open box of Apple Jacks off the top of the fridge at Pamela, cereal flies everywhere) ...TO SLEEP!

PAMELA: AHHH!!! LAYNE! WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?! F(BLEEP)! I'm tryin' ta tell awf Shawn Hart and you're interruptin' me baby!

LAYNE: Hey, I've got injuries, how do you expect me to rest up and heal while you're in here yelling at nobody? (turns to the camera) And Shawn, don't you mistake me for a g*damn second, because if you think there's an injury in this world short of paralysis or brain cancer that's gonna keep me from beating you into the minor leagues, guess again! Now really, (pauses)...I could stand here in front of the camera going off about your questionable sexuality, how you're just a gatekeeper who's about to get mowed down, or how I'm going to put you in a world of psychologically jarring pain. And that would all be true. Though when it comes down to it, while you may be another notch on my axe handle, just like that freak Olvir was, this is going to be one beatdown I enjoy handing out.

You see Shawn, when you were off wasting the spotlight by cracking glass dildos on people and losing to midcarders, I was being baptized in the fires of a Northwestern hellstorm indy sh(bleep)hole called SWA. Where little f(bleep)ers like you get squashed for punking out. Where I come from, you don't just get by acting like a redundant d*ck joke with a fake title, hiding behind three other wastes of company revenue. Beating up people for a living is a job, but beating up on a schoolgirl who sweats cunny juice like you do? That's just fun, Shawn.

EPW is full of guys who like to act a good deal, but when push comes to shove would rather lose by countout than win by pinfall. And that's the best of 'em! Working my way down the list I find the Shawn Harts of the company, who only retain made up titles when they run away scared. You guys better start trying harder, or else I might start underestimating you.

As for Anthology, what's to be said? I don't come to the ring at Wrestleverse knowing that three other p(bleep)sies not worth a damn can save my ass at a moment's notice. I'll be doing something you know absolutely nothing about, little girl: relying on talent, guts, and willpower. Three things that will take me farther in one night than you've been ALL-YOUR-LIFE.

So bring your girlfriends with you, I welcome the challenge. This sport has taught us that alliances can be broken. Shawn Hart has taught us, apparently, that glass dildos can be broken. But Layne Winters- HE CAN'T! And that's the lesson New School's gonna teach at Wrestleverse, count on it.

(FADEOUT)
 
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ShawnHartXXX

The Phenom
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Retort!

FADE IN:

Baltimore, Maryland - 12:57 P.M.

The camera pans across the heart of the city's Little Italy district; old men are playing bocce, grape vines glisten under the midday sun, the bells of St. Leo's echo throughout the streets...

Meanwhile, EPW's PHENOM, the nefarious SHAWN HART, sits on the curb, chugging mouthfuls of Limoncello straight from the bottle.

As the cam swoops in to catch the self-proclaimed Prime Minister of Gettin' Sinister in full Lohan mode, his half-stepsister twice-removed, FELICIA, approaches her seemingly broken brother.


FELICIA: "Getting started early today, huh?"

SJH: "Not at all! This train left the station yesterday after the press conference!"

Felicia exhales.

FELICIA: "Whew! You had me worried for a second there."

Shawn scoffs.

SJH: "Sister!! You reeeeeeeeally should know better! If I'm anything, I'm a PROFESSIONAL!"

FELICIA: "I know, I know -- my bad, but why are you drinking anyway? I thought that stuff gave you gas bubbles, and you know what gas bubbles do to your matches!"

SJH: "Sure do. Turns 'em into STINKERS!!"

The Hart duo breaks out into an uncontrollable fit of inconceivably loud laughter that lasts much longer than the Phenom's joke could possibly warrant. Once the cackling ceases, Felicia revisits her query.

FELICIA: "Zing... But seriously, bro, what seems to be your boggle?"

SJH puts his bottle down on the curb and retrieves a paper from his man-purse.

SJH: "Have you seen this?"

FELICIA: "No. What is it?"

SJH: "It's a TRAVESTY! A crime against nature itself! An act so vile and detestable, Jean Rabesque wouldn't participate if given the chance!"

Felicia quivers.

FELICIA: "That sounds pretty intense. What's the story?"

Hart holds out the paper.

SJH: "THIS is a print-out from the Empire Pro web site that chronicles the STAR-STUDDED line-up of BLOCKBUSTER bouts that comprise this year's gloooooooooorious installment of Wrestleverse! But there's a SLIGHT problem with the presentation as relates to a certain bona fide LEGEND in the biz..."

FELICIA: "Let me see that!!"

The female Hart yanks the paper out of her sibling's hand. Her mouth instantly drops like the stock market upon catching sight of the horrors contained within the notice:

wv1.PNG


FELICIA: "We're jerkin' the curtain?!"

SJH: "Like I'm JERKIN' MY GHERKIN, girlie!"

FELICIA: "Preposterous!""

SJH: "I KNOW! And not only that... but look at how EVERY OTHER MATCH ON THE CARD is in like.. bold-print 96-point lettering, while yours truly, the guy coming off consecutive victories against Fusenshoff and Frankie Scott, a former EPW TV champion - HELL, a WORLD champion in NEW, WFW, BAD, the OWC, and like FIVE other promotions I can't even remember, and most important of all, a member in good standing with the JIGGIEST JACKHOLES this side of Jersey, the ANTHOLOGY... is stuck with TWELVE LOUSY PICA printed in invisible ink!"

Felicia is dumbfounded.

FELICIA: "But how?! WHY?!"

SJH: "Why?! I'll tell you WHY!! Two words, sis!"

FELICIA: "Clerical error?"

SJH: "LAYNE WINTERS!"

FELICIA: "The SCOUNDREL!!"

The Phenom bursts from the curb, knocking over his bottle of Limoncello in the process, and grabs the camera by the lens.

SJH: "That's RIGHT! I'm talkin' about you, nnnnnnnndaddio!! The new guy, the up n' comer, the reason why ME, the HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE UNIVERSE, has been relegated to dark match status! A DVD EASTER EGG!! Meanwhile, the word on the street here in Little Italy is that Ol' Lady Troy has invited Kid n' Play to reunite for a set that WILL be on the live broadcast!"

FELICIA: "Oy vey ME! How many people have seen this line-up?"

SJH: "This IS the interweb we're talking about, so probably hundreds!"

FELICIA: "What a catastrophe! We've GOT to get them to change it!"

Hart retrieves a second paper from his purse and displays it proudly for Felicia:

wv2.PNG


SJH: "Well, I sent this into the home office, so hopefully they've already corrected their mistake, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm set to lock horns with a guy whose past matches are more depressing than the city they took place in."

FELICIA: "It rains nine months out of the year in Seattle!"

SJH: "That it does, but hey... maybe it's a good thing that Plain Layne is used to the storms, cuz when we hit that ring, homeboy's gonna have a HURRICANE on his hands! Call it an outrage, call it a MOCKERY, call it whatever the hell you like. The SEXCELLENCE OF SEXECUTION here calls it the TRUTH!"

FELICIA: "Hear hear!"

SJH: "And the TRUTH of the matter is that whether Plain Layne and I open the show, bring the thing home, or provide the MEAT in the middle, this kid's comin' face to face with my RAGING Hart On; a BLOW from which few men ever truly recover! Now can I get a hallelujah?!"

FELICIA: "HALLELUJAH!"

SJH nods approvingly.

SJH: "Said like a REAL WOMAN... unlike your gweedo call girl, Plain-o. What's her name? Pammy Poon? Don't get me wrong, Winters - I'd let her sit on my face and do the funky chicken in a New York minute, but the second she opens that perfect little pie hole of hers, those of us within earshot are done like dinner! That voice is more mind-numbing than your career..

I mean, you may THINK you're hot sh(FCC)t because you've taken out a couple grunge-heads and disgruntled former Starbucks employees, but me? I've snagged the spotlight on an international stage. You claim that I've wasted said spotlight, and while that proposition is questionable at best, at least I know what that SPOTLIGHT is all about - what it FEELS like to be the COCK of the walk!

Unfortunately for you, that's a feeling you'll never be able to experience, cuz come Wrestleverse, your ASS is BRASS... and I'M GONNA POLISH IT!"

Felicia scratches her head in confusion.

SJH: "So g'head... bring your talents, your guts, AND that will power! In the end, the only thing you'll be bringing up is the REAR!"

FELICIA: "Ahem!"

Felicia taps her watch, prompting SJH to nod.

SJH: "Now if you'll excuse me, my manicurist awaits!! The PHENOM has left the building!!"

FADE OUT.
 
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LQJT86C

Where's my money, Chad?
Joined
Jul 3, 1997
Messages
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(FADEIN: The camera pans around a makeshift jacuzzi bathtub, where "NEW SCHOOL" LAYNE WINTERS is sitting with PAMELA behind him, massaging his shoulders)

LAYNE: Layne Winters may be a lot of things. He may be...the product of some landfill of a terriroty. He may be...from the most depressing city in the United States. He might even be the guy you never heard of. But in spite of those things, Layne Winters, BET-YOUR-ASS, ain't some cheap sideshow three-ring circus clown, walking around with an imaginary title around his waist!

Some people get up for a fight three weeks before it happens. In fact, you're looking at that guy right now! Then other people, they need to be hit in the face a few times, thrown to the ground before they realize they're actually in a fight. But Shawn Hart, you my friend are the type of guy who just doesn't care. Because you're not there for the fight, never were there for the fight. You come for the spectacle; you come for the sidehow. To attain greatness, well...that requires sacrifice. The Layne Winters' of the world sacrifice their health, their finances, and the court-ordered weekend visits they get with their kids. Shawn Hart sacrifices self-respect and comes away EMPTY HANDED.

(LAYNE gets up from the jacuzzi, walks across his garage and over to his shoes. He grabs a white towel, throws it over his shoulder, and puts his hands out smiling)

Man, take a look at yourself, then look at me. I'm cut from F(BLEP)ING STONE! Hart On? I'll knock your f(bleep)ing dick in the dirt, pal. You don't toy with me, b*tch, or you get smacked like you're my ex-wife. When I came here, I said I was hungry for f(bleep)ing legends. But you? You're not even soup of the day. You're yesterday's news, and I'm the f(bleep)ing New School! The NEW SCHOOL! You know what that means? It means the days (louder) OF GETTING BY..(punches the garage door)...ON A FEW D*CK JOKES, SELF-PROCLAIMED KINGS, SELF-CORONATED CHAMPIONS, ARE F(BLEEP)ING OVER MY FRIEND!...DONE!

And when you see me staring a whole through you in the middle of that ring, know that you're in the sites of EPW's bulldozer! That's right, I'M the tank headed straight for every-single-piece-of-crap no talent in this company. I'm coming for your bones, I'm coming for your belts, I'm coming for your spot, I'M COMING FOR YOUR HEADS! You all are just the little pygmys, shooting tiny darts through long straws, not understanding why the beast won't fall- and it's because Layne Winters is nothin' but advanced weaponry on TWO LEGS!

You say I never had the spotlight? You'd be right on that count. But then again, who the hell is Layne Winters? Sh(bleep), I may know that I'm a major f(bleep)ing calamity waiting to fall upon EPW's paper champions, and Pamela may know that; after Wrestleverse, you're gonna know it too- but as of now, everybody else is clueless. So I ask you one more time...who the hell is Layne Winters?

My whole career, I wasn't supposed to have the spotlight. That's the story of my life, man. Nobody ever sees me coming until I hit 'em. But Shawn Hart...why, he was supposed to be a mega star! He was supposed to reign over this sport with a golden crown. All the hype you built up for yourself, Hart, and what happened? (Wipes hands together, throws them to the side) Nothing. All that spotlight with nothing to show for it than a fake belt and a fake pay-per-view program with your name at the top. Spotlight for spotlight's sake, Shawn. That's all you are.

You're more worried about losing the spotlight on the big show than you are about me...and that was your first mistake. Your second will be showing up. Your third? Training to be a pro-wrestler rather than taking advantage of Career Day. This industry isn't for guys like you. You want to be cool? Be a game show host, be a YouTube celebrity. One Shawn one cup. If being a sideshow is your life's calling, and it is, go be that to the best of your abilities, little man. But do it somewhere else. Do it outside of my ring. MY RING: where lions rule the day and weak men get cut off at the knees!

Ultimately, all things considered, Hart...when we're both retired one day, you're spending time with yours and Felicia's mongoloid offspring, I'm spending time with my kids, provided my lawyer can win them back for me in court...

...you'll be telling them stories about how you once had the spotlight, how despite you never having done anything important, you were still the cock of the walk for a moment in time...

And me? When I'm relaxing in my den, championship titles lined up and hanging from my fireplace like Christmas stockings at an orphanage...I'll be telling my kin about how I got my start, beating up Shawn Hart on the undercard.

(LAYNE throws the towel to the ground, thumbs at his chest)

Don't fear the booking committee, Jessica. Fear me.

(FADEOUT)
 

ShawnHartXXX

The Phenom
Joined
Jan 1, 2000
Messages
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Location
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The Phenom Fires Back AGAIN

Here we go, boys n' girls! Strap on those seatbelts, put the kids to bed, and grab yourself a frosty beverage, because it's time for YOU KNOW WHO -

sjhbanner.PNG

FADE IN:

Outside EPW Headquarters - 2:43 P.M.

Much to the chagrin of an on-looking security guard, former EPW Television Champion and self-proclaimed Heavyweight Champion of the Universe, SHAWN JESSICA HART, PhD., has taken up arms just outside the building's main gate.

Backed by his sister, FELICIA, and man-servant, TINY, and wielding signs that say things like "Free the Phenom!" and "Curtain Jerk? We Won't Work!" SJH is in full-protest mode.

As the group edges in closer to the entrance, a reporter that looks suspiciously like JON KATZ JR. with a fake mustache approaches Hart.


REPORTER: "Yo-YO! Check it -- Ron Kaz Jr. up in ya area here with SJH, Shawn Hart.. and Shawn-diggety, why is yo crew all shlumpin' around here on the EPW tip?"

SJH: "We're here to show Lindsay Troy, the EPW championship committee, the nation, the WORLD and GOD ABOVE that this WILL NOT STAND!"

FELICIA: "YEAH!"

"RKJ": "Sounds like you've got major tsooris, yo. What are these jokers doin' tah mutcheh you?"

SJH: "My plight is two-fold, Ronnie-boy. FIRST OF ALL, these complete and utter JACKHOLES have booked me, the HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE UNIVERSE, to open the friggin' show! Now does that sound like something a man of my status ought to be doing?"

"RKJ": "Heeeells nah!"

SJH: "Thass real talk!! But you know what CHAPS MY HIDE even more than that?! The fact that they've thrown me in there with PLAIN WINTERS, the nincompoop of the Northwest, the latest in a long-line of up and coming ROID FREAKS this place has tried to ram down our throats!!"

"RKJ": "Word?!"

SJH: "You bet'cher ass, nnnnnnnndaddio!! I mean sure, he's got a little in-ring acumen, and yeah... he comes packed complete with Wham-Bam Thank You PAM, the finest piece of gefilte fish this place has ever seen-"

Felicia coughs.

SJH: "Well, next to little sister I mean!"

"RKJ": "She's a shiksa goddess!"

FELICIA: "Aww shucks!"

SJH: "Buuuuut seriously, does this guy even begin to approach to caliber of wrestler one must be to go toe to toe with Jam Master Jiggy?!"

"RKJ": "What do ya say, J"

SJH: "I say NAY! And that's why we're here! To let these wankers know that come Wrestleverse, there's gonna be some major Hell to pay!"

"RKJ": "Well check this, just last night, your main man Winters dropped science on why he thinks you's-a-goin' DOWN.."

Hart shakes his head in disgust.

SJH: "Yeah. I saw it..."

"RKJ": "Well the cameras are rollin', bro! What'choo gotsta say back to his ass?"

SJH: "I've got THIS to say, Ron-"

He looks directly into the camera.

SJH: "Plain Layne, you've got aloooooooooot of GUTS thinking you can talk about me like that! Three-ring circus clown? IMAGINARY TITLE?! Sonny, I've won more STRAPS than you've won matches! And as far as you're concerned MISS PAMELA - over there insinuating that I spend too much time in the perfume aisle.. Is it SOOOOOOO WRONG that I prefer the scent of ambergris and roses to the sweaty ball and Crisco aroma made famous by your man?! I mean, he ain't just eatin' asparagus, honey-buns! All that andro will make you spew all kinds of smells and substances!! Besides, I think the only reason you've elected to question my masculinity is because you're JEALOUS! Jealous of my sinuous shape, my FLOWING locks of blonde, and JEALOUS of these tight white pants here because they get to HUG MY NUTS all day! But don't you worry babe, cuz once I'm back in Baltimore, you can bet that big ol' booty that I'll be at your door with my BIG OL'-"

FELICIA: "AHEM!"

Hart is startled, almost as if he was shaken out of a trance of some kind. He looks to Felicia inquisitively.

FELICIA: "Your opponent? The match?"

Shawn snaps his fingers with a smile.

SJH: "RIGHT!"

With a nod to "RKJ" and a grin for the camera, Hart resumes his solilique.

SJH: "Plain Layne, you act like you've got me all figured out.. spoutin' nonsense this way and that about how I'm the kind of dude that just doesn't care. A guy that's only in it for the spectacle. But ya know what? For a guy who thinks he's got all the answers, you don't know a GOD-D(FCC)MNED THING!!

Each and every time I'm put in a match here, or anywhere for that matter.. it's the same, tired rap. Shawn Hart is a joke. He doesn't care about wrestling. He's past his prime. And WITHOUT FAIL, when the time to talk is done and these windbags finally get in the ring with me, I wrestle CIRCLES around them! Just ask Frankie Scott. Or Fusenshoff. Or Stalker. OR SEAN STEVENS!!

You're over there crooning about respect, about SACRIFICE?! You haven't sacrificed SH(FCC)T, Sonny-Jim! So you don't get to see your kids -- WAAAAAAAA!! Maybe if you hadn't smacked your wife up, that wouldn't be an issue. But that's just who you are - a juiced up FREAK that doesn't have the BALLS to pick on someone his own size..

Which is probably why you feel compelled to flap your yap about yours truly. I'm a bit shorter than you, I'm smaller in stature.. my whimsical ways give you the WILLIES. In your warped and TWISTED mind, that makes me an easy target. But what you fail to realize is that by disrespecting me, an ICON in the industry, all you've done is taken that TARGET and placed it firmly on your B(FCC)TCH ASS!

I KNOW you can go in the ring, and I KNOW you're out to make a name for yourself.. but I also KNOW that I'm as SEXY in that squared circle as I am out of it! And when that bell rings, you can bet your bottom dollar that SJH is gonna SHOW you why! Call it an outrage, call it a MOCKERY, what do I call it RKJ?"

"RKJ": "Da truth?"

SJH: "You bet your ASS!! And for PLAIN WINTERS, the TRUTH is gonna HURT!! You say to fear you?! FEAR THIS!!"

Hart SMACKS the camera, sending it to the ground.

FELICIA: "OH YEAH!"

The Phenom steps over the downed cam and peers into it from above.

SJH: "See you in the ring, brah... The PHENOM has left the building!"

FADE OUT.
 
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LQJT86C

Where's my money, Chad?
Joined
Jul 3, 1997
Messages
2,073
Points
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Age
41
Location
The Silk Road
(FADEIN: At the muddy banks of Washington's Green River is "NEW SCHOOL" LAYNE WINTERS, blonde hair tied back and wearing a Seahawks hat. PAMELA's at his side, wearing a tanktop that reveals her new sleeve tattoo from her right shoulder down)

LAYNE: (staring into the water) What you've gotta do is drive down here sometime, Shawn. You've got to come here alone, away from distractions, isolated, and you just have to...have to look into the water. Before EPW gave me that phone call, I'd be down here a lot. And I'll tell you man, all I'd see was the reflection of a depressed community, down there in the river. Washington State, buddy boy, the breeding ground of suburban serial killers. Sh(bleep), a lot of those bodies were dumped right here in these waters. All it does here, Shawn, is rain. People stay in their homes, they contemplate their own mortality, and they off themselves. Oh no, it's true, in record numbers. (kneels at the river bank, glides his fingers through the water)

Washington, boy. The mortal coil unraveled. The Layne Winters of old used to see his brother- rest in peace, Danny- staring up at him from these waters. He used to see a business that brought him nothing but misery. He saw con men, he saw poverty, (stands up, voice rising) HE SAW SURGERIES, F(BLEEP)IN' THREE OF THEM!-(holds up fingers) HE SAW PROMOTERS WHO COULDN'T PAY HIM ON TIME...BROKEN PROMISE AFTER BROKEN PROMISE...HE SAW A MAN TRAPPED!...(pauses)

(PAMELA looks at Layne concerned, glances off...)

But you know what the new Layne sees? His own reflection, nothing more. Make no mistake, when a man can stare into the abyss and no longer see his demons, that man is truly born again. Oh they still remain, but as a driving force buried deep- to my very core! And on that day, Shawn, when the man becomes the monster, he can finally walk out of the water.

I faced that path, and I walked it. How 'bout you, Shawn Hart? What path do you walk? What hell have you faced? Where's your f(bleep)ing abyss? F(BLEEP) THAT, you're dry, you're a joke, you're a pretender to a throne that doesn't even exist outside of your own mind. And see that's the thing about you: you're a phenom in your own world. You're a champion in your own world. Sh(bleep), in your world I guess your sister and you could get married, who knows! ANYTHING is possible in the world of Shawn Hart, because it DOESN'T F(BLEEP)ING EXIST! Sh(bleep) man, you're almost a danger to yourself. And Layne Winters is most definitely a danger to you. Wrestleverse III- looks like you're f(bleep)ed, doesn't it?

"A champion in his own world." (laughs) That's the very DEFINITION of a Shawn Hart. Unfortunately for Planet Hart On, I'm the f(bleep)ing Gamma Rays, mother(bleep)er. You haven't got much time before I tear apart your ozone and set the sky on fire. That's the theme here, really: the more this world takes from me, the more I take from you!

Talking about your titles and sh(bleep)...mother(bleep)er, why would I care about some plastic straps some other place handed you! We're in the EPW, a fact that has obviously escaped your attention, since you've done f(bleep) all in your time here. The f(bleep) I care about some bush leagues for?

Can you wrestle? You can wrestle, sure. This is the big time, everybody and their uncle can wrestle, that's not the point. My question to you, you phony f(bleep)in' phenom, you-...is can you grind it out? Does Shawn Hart have what it takes to go to war?

Judging by the fact your stated priority at Wrestleverse is to show me you're just as sexy in the ring as you are out- I'd have to conclude NO! I DON'T GIVE A F(BLEEP) HOW SEXY YOU THINK YOU ARE- (laughs!) YOU STUPID PR*CK! That's the problem with today's brand of professional wrestling: you guys all think that treating the sport like it's a g*ddamn Chippendale's audition is going to win you anything of value- it's not! And by the way, the only good thing about you wearing those tight white pants that hug your nuts, is that it guarantees us all that there's at least a five percent chance it'll render you unable to reproduce with your sister. There are already enough down syndrome babies being born, and quite frankly, I've had it up to HERE! with my tax money going to those f(bleep)ing special ed programs.

You think I'm scum 'cause I'm a recovering domestic abuser who has a prescription, a prescription!, for hormone replacement therapeutics? Then you're a bigger b*tch than I thought, Shawn, because come the pay-per-view you're gonna find out just how much of a mean motherf(bleep)er I really am.

Wrestleverse...just another notch...

(FADEOUT)
 
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ShawnHartXXX

The Phenom
Joined
Jan 1, 2000
Messages
900
Points
0
Age
42
Location
Salt Lake City, UT
Numero Tres

sjhbanner.PNG

FADE IN:

The Alaskan Wilderness - 7:26 A.M.

Draped from head to toe in in leopard-print arctic gear, SHAWN JESSICA HART, PhD., trudges through the snow with no one but his trusty steed (and EPW cameramen) to keep him company. With nowhere to go and nothing to do, he croons for the cameras.


SJH: "Wow..."

He reaches into his coat, fumbles around for a moment, then looks into the camera.

SJH: "If I didn't know better, I'd say these nipples were carved from adamantium!!"

More apparent nipple tweakage.

SJH: "But despite my Herculean physique, perhaps we should just chalk it up to the cold! We are, after all, comin' atcha from the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge! Which, granted, is probably not where you'd expect old SJH to be at the dawn of Wrestleverse III, but hey... if I'm set to do battle with LAYNE WINTERS, what better place to prepare for the bout than one of the few places left in this country that is experiencing extreme WINTER conditions?!"

Suddenly, his horse YELPS loudly, prompting Hart to turn his attention toward it.

SJH: "Eeeeeeeeeasy there PAM."

Shawn gingerly caresses his mount, then looks back to the cameras.

SJH: "Heh, I call her Pam because her incessant YELPING reminds me of someone I know...."

He pauses for a beat.

SJH: "....Named Pam.........."

The camera zooms in as Hart flashes an impish grin.

SJH: "Soooo anyways..... Plain Layne - while it might appear as though your little trip back to the ol' stompin' grounds inspired me to return to nature myself, I think the biggest reason I've surrendered myself to the isolation of extreme wilderness is because it's probably the only setting where I'm TRULY safe from the utterly RIDICULOUS rhetoric you seem so intent on dispersing!

First, you're carrying on about how I'm hung up on my past accomplishments.... how this is EPW and NONE of that stuff matters..."

He stops cold, looks upward, and shakes his head with a chuckle.

SJH: "Heh, that said... just what in the BLUE HELL have you done in Empire Pro?! Last time I checked, you're still throwin' up the goose egg in that department! And as far as my credentials go, are you not aware that I was the longest-reigning Television Champion in this company's history?! Not to mention the litany of RECENT victories I tossed at you last time, but I'm sure you just A-D-D'd that whole schpiel. Either that or the roids have scrambled your brain waves. I'm not really sure..."

Again he pauses, this time as if he's come to some sort of sudden realization.

SJH: "Whoa, my bad... you said that was just hormone replacement therapy didn't you! Please accept my sincerest of apologies! But while we're on the subject, just how much is estrogen these days anyway? And have they snipped THE BOYS yet, or are you still pre-op TG?"

Shawn looks inquisitively into the camera.

SJH: "Either way... live and let live, right? Although I must confess, that can be a hard proposition when you keep sticking your foot in your mouth. I mean HONESTLY, after spacing the fact that my EPW career OWNS yours, you go on to chastise me for saying I'm SEXY in the ring?!"

He shakes his head in disgust.

SJH: "Ever hear of a metaphor, Jack? You know, those things that literally mean one thing, but are aaaaaaaaactually alluding to or drawing comparison to another? Do I LITERALLY have to bridge an 80's-style arm drag into a head-scissors into an armbar into some kind of crazy Mexican Casita roll-up before it dawns on you that I was talking about my in-ring technical prowess?! I know you're not the most perceptive person to lace up a pair of boots, but c'mon now... If you lack the critical thinking skills to figure that one out, how could you ever endeavor to formulate a winning strategy for a match with a world-class athlete?"

Hart shrugs his shoulders. Just then, a loud GROWL sounds.

SJH: "PAMELA! ENOUGH!!!!"

He shakes his head and continues on.

SJH: "Maybe that's just it, Plain Layne... MAYBE you're not worried about any kind of game plan anyway. After all, you've got GAMMA RAYS up your sleeve! Right?!"

The Phenom feigns a GASP.

SJH: "Although.... if my lifetime subscription to Fantastic Four comic books has taught me anything, it's that gamma ray bombardment equals SICK-ASS super powers! So, if what you're trying to tell me is that following our match, I'll be able to turn invisible, sneak into your old lady's place, FLAME ON a few candles, then utilize my stretchy shlong to do her from behind... AND in the mouth - at the SAME TIME, well then all I've got to say is SIGN ME UP!! Otherwise, all I can tell you is that it's CLOBBERIN' TIME, and YOU'RE in my cross-hairs, pal!

Call it an outrage, call it a MOCKERY, call it whatever the hell you like.. MR. FANTASTIC here is gonna go ahead and call it the TRUTH!! And, sometimes, the truth--"

Suddenly, another loud GROWL echoes throughout the air. The Phenom rolls his eyes, grits his teeth, and begins to turn around.

SJH: "Pammy Poon... this is the LAST TIME I'm gonna tell you!!! NO.... MOOOOOOORE--"

As his eyes meet the source of the sound behind him, his mouth goes silent. The camera pulls out revealing a GIANT, white...

SJH: "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

BEAR: "GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

Sensing the danger, Hart's trusty steed turns tail and TAKES off!! Nano-seconds later, the Phenom takes off after her! As quiet prevails in the area, the bear drops to its stomach, lets out a giant YAWN, and falls happily to sleep.

FADE OUT.
 

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