Retort!
FADE IN:
Baltimore, Maryland - 12:57 P.M.
The camera pans across the heart of the city's Little Italy district; old men are playing bocce, grape vines glisten under the midday sun, the bells of St. Leo's echo throughout the streets...
Meanwhile, EPW's PHENOM, the nefarious SHAWN HART, sits on the curb, chugging mouthfuls of Limoncello straight from the bottle.
As the cam swoops in to catch the self-proclaimed Prime Minister of Gettin' Sinister in full Lohan mode, his half-stepsister twice-removed, FELICIA, approaches her seemingly broken brother.
FELICIA: "Getting started early today, huh?"
SJH: "Not at all! This train left the station yesterday after the press conference!"
Felicia exhales.
FELICIA: "Whew! You had me worried for a second there."
Shawn scoffs.
SJH: "Sister!! You reeeeeeeeally should know better! If I'm anything, I'm a PROFESSIONAL!"
FELICIA: "I know, I know -- my bad, but why are you drinking anyway? I thought that stuff gave you gas bubbles, and you know what gas bubbles do to your matches!"
SJH: "Sure do. Turns 'em into STINKERS!!"
The Hart duo breaks out into an uncontrollable fit of inconceivably loud laughter that lasts much longer than the Phenom's joke could possibly warrant. Once the cackling ceases, Felicia revisits her query.
FELICIA: "Zing... But seriously, bro, what seems to be your boggle?"
SJH puts his bottle down on the curb and retrieves a paper from his man-purse.
SJH: "Have you seen this?"
FELICIA: "No. What is it?"
SJH: "It's a TRAVESTY! A crime against nature itself! An act so vile and detestable, Jean Rabesque wouldn't participate if given the chance!"
Felicia quivers.
FELICIA: "That sounds pretty intense. What's the story?"
Hart holds out the paper.
SJH: "THIS is a print-out from the Empire Pro web site that chronicles the STAR-STUDDED line-up of BLOCKBUSTER bouts that comprise this year's gloooooooooorious installment of Wrestleverse! But there's a SLIGHT problem with the presentation as relates to a certain bona fide LEGEND in the biz..."
FELICIA: "Let me see that!!"
The female Hart yanks the paper out of her sibling's hand. Her mouth instantly drops like the stock market upon catching sight of the horrors contained within the notice:
FELICIA: "We're jerkin' the curtain?!"
SJH: "Like I'm JERKIN' MY GHERKIN, girlie!"
FELICIA: "Preposterous!""
SJH: "I KNOW! And not only that... but look at how EVERY OTHER MATCH ON THE CARD is in like.. bold-print 96-point lettering, while yours truly, the guy coming off consecutive victories against Fusenshoff and Frankie Scott, a former EPW TV champion - HELL, a WORLD champion in NEW, WFW, BAD, the OWC, and like FIVE other promotions I can't even remember, and most important of all, a member in good standing with the JIGGIEST JACKHOLES this side of Jersey, the ANTHOLOGY... is stuck with TWELVE LOUSY PICA printed in invisible ink!"
Felicia is dumbfounded.
FELICIA: "But how?! WHY?!"
SJH: "Why?! I'll tell you WHY!! Two words, sis!"
FELICIA: "Clerical error?"
SJH: "LAYNE WINTERS!"
FELICIA: "The SCOUNDREL!!"
The Phenom bursts from the curb, knocking over his bottle of Limoncello in the process, and grabs the camera by the lens.
SJH: "That's RIGHT! I'm talkin' about you, nnnnnnnndaddio!! The new guy, the up n' comer, the reason why ME, the HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE UNIVERSE, has been relegated to dark match status! A DVD EASTER EGG!! Meanwhile, the word on the street here in Little Italy is that Ol' Lady Troy has invited Kid n' Play to reunite for a set that WILL be on the live broadcast!"
FELICIA: "Oy vey ME! How many people have seen this line-up?"
SJH: "This IS the interweb we're talking about, so probably hundreds!"
FELICIA: "What a catastrophe! We've GOT to get them to change it!"
Hart retrieves a second paper from his purse and displays it proudly for Felicia:
SJH: "Well, I sent this into the home office, so hopefully they've already corrected their mistake, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm set to lock horns with a guy whose past matches are more depressing than the city they took place in."
FELICIA: "It rains nine months out of the year in Seattle!"
SJH: "That it does, but hey... maybe it's a good thing that Plain Layne is used to the storms, cuz when we hit that ring, homeboy's gonna have a HURRICANE on his hands! Call it an outrage, call it a MOCKERY, call it whatever the hell you like. The SEXCELLENCE OF SEXECUTION here calls it the TRUTH!"
FELICIA: "Hear hear!"
SJH: "And the TRUTH of the matter is that whether Plain Layne and I open the show, bring the thing home, or provide the MEAT in the middle, this kid's comin' face to face with my RAGING Hart On; a BLOW from which few men ever truly recover! Now can I get a hallelujah?!"
FELICIA: "HALLELUJAH!"
SJH nods approvingly.
SJH: "Said like a REAL WOMAN... unlike your gweedo call girl, Plain-o. What's her name? Pammy Poon? Don't get me wrong, Winters - I'd let her sit on my face and do the funky chicken in a New York minute, but the second she opens that perfect little pie hole of hers, those of us within earshot are done like dinner! That voice is more mind-numbing than your career..
I mean, you may THINK you're hot sh
(FCC)t because you've taken out a couple grunge-heads and disgruntled former Starbucks employees, but me? I've snagged the spotlight on an international stage. You claim that I've wasted said spotlight, and while that proposition is questionable at best, at least I know what that SPOTLIGHT is all about - what it FEELS like to be the COCK of the walk!
Unfortunately for you, that's a feeling you'll never be able to experience, cuz come Wrestleverse, your ASS is BRASS... and I'M GONNA POLISH IT!"
Felicia scratches her head in confusion.
SJH: "So g'head... bring your talents, your guts, AND that will power! In the end, the only thing you'll be bringing up is the REAR!"
FELICIA: "Ahem!"
Felicia taps her watch, prompting SJH to nod.
SJH: "Now if you'll excuse me, my manicurist awaits!! The PHENOM has left the building!!"
FADE OUT.