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WORLD OPEN WEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: Magnus Destructo(c) v. Zesty Mordant

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LQJT86C

Where's my money, Chad?
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Deadline: Wednesday, December 15, 11:59pm Eastern Time
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RStrawsma

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(CUE UP: “Towards the Pantheon” by Emporer.)

(The camera fades in on a detailed oil painting featuring the likeness of “THE DREADED DEVOURER” MAGNUS DESTRUCTO, standing in a rather Vigo the Carpathian-styled pose with the the blood-spattered face of the NLW OPENWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP riding proudly on the spiked shoulderpads of his war armor. Submissively on her knees and clinging longingly to his leg is DOMINATRA BOZOTH, kept in control by her lord by a chain around her neck in the Baron of Brutality’s free hand. The expression on Destructo’s face is a somewhat paradoxic blend of pride and disgust, the bastard love-child of a messy one night stand between an evil grin and a savage sneer.)

(The wet tip of a paintbrush quickly slips into the frame as the artist applies some lasting touches to the black Carpathian Mountain crags jutting into the red sky in the background, and the camera pans out to reveal it wielded in the careful hands of the lumbering GOLLOMOCH. The enforcer, apparently, handles talents other than just torturing hapless victims and spraying down the blood and viscera off the infernal master’s front lawn every morning with a hose.)


Gollomoch
Just another moment, my lord... I think we almost have it...

(The camera pans over just past his easel, where the Baron of Brutality and his Empress of Evil stand in almost the exact same pose along the balcony of the Keep of Eternal Darkness. There’s no question about his expression this time – he looks DAMN PISSED to have been made to stand in one place for an extended period of time.)

Magnus Destructo
BY BEELZEBUB’S BALLSACK, HOW MUCH LONGER IS THIS GOING TO FREAKING TAKE!!

(His vicious eyes snap off to the left.)

Magnus Destructo
DULAK!!

(In steps Dulak the Defiler, looking as always like he’s just crawled out of a hole in a ****-house.)

Dulak the Defiler
Y-yes, my liege?

Magnus Destructo
SCRATCH THE ITCH ON YOUR INFERNAL MASTER’S NOSE, OR FACE HIS WRATH!!

(Dulak promptly reaches up and scratches the black-painted beak of the insane warlord, who shows instant relief as his snarl relaxes a bit.)

Magnus Destructo
YES... THAT WILL DO. WELL DONE, DULAK. YOU MAY PUNCH YOURSELF IN THE FACE AS YOUR REWARD.

Dulak the Defiler
By your command, master.

(Quite stoically, Dulak’s fist curls into a ball, and he drives it forcefully into the middle of his forehead with enough force to send him sprawling to the floor. Magnus and Dominatra appear quite amused.)

Magnus Destructo
BWA-HAW HAW HAWWW!!!

Dominatra Bozoth
HAHAHAHAAA!!

(The camera goes back to Gollomoch, finishing up on his masterpiece.)

Gollomoch
...THERE. Okay, master... we’re finished. Tell me what you think.

Magnus Destructo
FINALLY!!

(Setting his brush and palette aside, Gollomoch lifts the canvas off the easel and reveals it to his subject. The King of All Monsters, his sex slave, and a dizzied Dulak all crowd around the painting with studious eyes.)

Magnus Destructo
HHHRRRRMMMNNNNNHH...

Gollomoch
Is it to your liking, master?

Magnus Destructo
…MOST IMPRESSIVE, GOLLOMOCH! MY HEAD LOOKS KINDA FUNNY, BUT OTHER THAN THAT, I FEEL YOU HAVE TOTALLY CAPTURED THE WRATHFUL SPIRIT OF MY MOMENT OF CONQUEST AT EYE FOR AN EYE!!

(Right around now, the MEDIA BARON, in a cartoonish key-lime suit that just screams “KILL ME” wanders in behind the group and catches sight of Gollomoch’s work of art.)

The Media Baron
Wow, nice painting, Gollomoch! You’ve got quite a talent there. In fact, I’d say that’s a PERFECT representation!

(Magnus Destructo suddenly realizes that somebody can be heard over him and spins around in a FURY to find an annoyingly dorky reporter in his lair.)

Magnus Destructo
AAARRGGHH, YOU AGAIN!! HOW DO YOU KEEP GETTING IN HERE?!

The Media Baron
I, uh... followed the camera crew?

Magnus Destructo
BAH, NEVERMIND THAT! MORE IMPORTANTLY... WHY HAVEN’T I KILLED YOU YET!!

The Media Baron
Uhm... not sure. Last I recalled, you were waiting to think of the right way to do it.

Magnus Destructo
AH... OF COURSE!! A WORM AS ANNOYING AS YOU CAN ONLY DIE IN THE MOST BRUTAL, PAINFUL, AND GRUESOME WAY IMAGINABLE!! BUT WHAT COULD THAT BE...?

(The sharp-edged shadow of the Baron of Brutality falls over the meek reporter. The Media Baron’s eyes go BIG for a moment before the Openweight Chap’s hand shoots out and grasps him by the collar of his suit! He’s effortlessly lifted a foot off the ground as Bozoth’s black lips curl back into a sadistic sneer/grin.)

Dominatra Bozoth
Let’s hack his arms off, Master... and feed his still screaming torso to the HOUNDS!!

Magnus Destructo
HMM...

(Destructo considers this as the Media Baron goes pale. Dulak chitters excitedly like a crap-smeared crack-head.)

Dulak the Defiler
Maybe we could toss him at the bottom of the latrines, and drown him in EXCREMENT!

Magnus Destructo
OOHHH...

(Destructo keeps mulling it over as a grossed-out look crosses MB’s face. Gollomoch clears his throat.)

Gollomoch
If you want my opinion, sire... pull out his teeth, one by one... then crush him beneath a very large boulder rolled off of a very high cliff.

Magnus Destructo
UUUHHHH...

(Destructo continues stroking his devil’s goatee before finally shaking his head.)

Magnus Destructo
NO, NO, AND NO!! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU FOOLS?! THOSE DREADED FATES ARE STILL TOO MERCIFUL FOR AN INSIGNIFICANT LITTLE TICK LIKE THIS!! HIS FINAL HOURS MUST BE FILLED ONLY WITH THE BLACKEST AND MOST SINISTER AGONY KNOWN TO THE DYING BREED!!

The Media Baron
Uhh... so if you’re still drawing a blank, does this mean I get to live?

Magnus Destructo
SILENCE, MAGGOT!!!

YES... UNFORTUNATELY, YOU LIVE FOR ANOTHER DAY... BUT YOU HAVE ONLY MY MINIONS’ LACK OF CREATIVITY TO THANK FOR THAT!!

(Destructo drops him back to his feet, leaving the Media Baron to nervously fix his suit.)

Magnus Destructo
NOW TELL ME WHY YOU HAVE COME, AND GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I EAT YOUR FACE!!

The Media Baron
Right, Mr. Destructo... I understand that you don’t like to be bothered. It’s just... my bosses at NLW were wondering if you’d get an interview in before the promo deadline, and sent me to make sure the fans got an opportunity to hear from you before the upcoming TREASON event.

Magnus Destructo
YOU WORTHLESS SACK OF GOAT SHIT!! DID YOU FORGET WHO IN THE FUCK YOU’RE TALKING TO?!

I’M MAGNUS DESTRUCTO!! THE OPENWEIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!! THE SLAYER OF THE MARATHON MAN!! THE UNDISPUTED BIGGEST, BADDEST, AND BEST IN ALL OF NEXT LEVEL WRESTLING!! I DON’T FOLLOW ANY WORTHLESS “PROMO DEADLINES”... THE FANS WILL HEAR THE BLOOD-THIRSTY ROAR OF THEIR CHAMPION WHENEVER I SEE FIT!!

I KNOW THIS MIGHT COME OFF AS A SURPRISE, BUT EVEN THE DREADED DEVOURER HAS A LIFE OUTSIDE OF TOTAL CONQUEST OF THE WORLD!! IF YOUR IDIOT BOSSES HAD CHECKED THE FACEBOOK UPDATES LATELY, THEY’D CLEARLY KNOW I’VE BEEN BUSY ALL LAST MONTH IN THE STUDIO...

The Media Baron
Studio? That’s interesting. I had no idea you were involved in the music business...

Dominatra Bozoth
Of COURSE he’s involved, you ANEMIC TWERP!! The Baron of Brutality LOVES heavy metal...

Magnus Destructo
YES... AND WHEN I’M NOT BUSY CRUSHING SKULLS WITH MY FISTS, OR DOMINATING LOSERS IN THE RING, I LIKE TO SPEND MY TIME AS A MUSIC PRODUCERS TO THE MOST BRUTAL, MOST INTENSE, AND MOST DESTRUCTIVE UNDERGROUND ACTS!!

I EVEN BUST OUT SOME RHYMES, WHEN I GET A CHANCE! JUST LAST WEEK, I HAD A NICE SOLILOQUY RECOUNTING THE DECAPITATED CORPSE OF THAT SHRIMP IMPULSE, ROASTING ON A SPIT OVER THE BURNING BODIES OF HIS OWN CHILDREN WHILE I SODOMIZED HIS WIFE NEARBY WITH A KNIFE!!

The Media Baron
My... GOD... you didn’t really do that, did you?!

Magnus Destructo
OF COURSE I DID!! I’M HARDCORE, YOU PATHETIC WASTE OF SEED!! I’M GODDAMN GANGTSA – CARPATHIAN MOUNTAINS REP-RE-SENT!!

BUT IT’S TIME WE FORGOT ABOUT THAT EQUALLY PATHETIC WASTE OF SEED, TIME, AND EFFORT... THE HOPELESS, GUTLESS WIMP-ULSE!! NOBODY WAS SURPRISED TO SEE THE KING OF ALL MONSTERS DEVOUR THE ILL-FATED GOLDEN CHILD AS HE PROMISED HE WOULD!!

NOW THAT THE INEVITABLE IS FINALLY OUT OF THE WAY, WE CAN BEGIN THE SEASON OF FEAR AND DESTRUCTION... THE UNHOLY REIGN OF THE BARON OF BRUTALITY, MAGNUS DESTRUCTO, AS OPENWEIGHT CHAMPION!!

(Snarling to the camera, Destructo raises the blood-splattered Openweight Championship for all to see at home just who in the fuck around here gets **** done when he says he’s going to get it done.)

The Media Baron
Indeed... it definitely looks like Next Level Wrestling has entered a “season of fear and destruction”... but of course, the world now anticipates seeing how your reign as champion will turn out, especially as you approach your first title defense against the number one contender, “The Blue Bastard” Zesty Mordant. So Magnus... how are you preparing for the match at TREASON?

Magnus Destructo
THE EXACT SAME WAY I PREPARED FOR EVERY MATCH THAT ULTIMATELY BROUGHT ME TO THE PINNACLE OF NEXT LEVEL WRESTLING – DISMEMBERING THE WEAK, EATING THE YOUNG, AND TRUDGING UPON THE LEGACIES OF THE OLD!!

NOTHING HAS CHANGED IN MY WAYS, YOU MORONIC BARON OF MEDIA! NOBODY IN THAT MISERABLE LOCKER ROOM COULD STOP MY RELENTLESS CLIMB TO THE TOP, AND THUS SO NONE SHALL USURP ME FROM THE CHAMPIONSHIP THRONE!! ANY WHO TRY WILL KNOW ONLY WOE AND GRIEF AS I RAVENOUSLY RIP THEIR LIMBS OFF AND DESECRATE THEIR FETID CORPSES!!

AS FOR THIS FOOL... WHAT DID YOU SAY HIS NAME WAS? PESKY WHORE-C[/BUNT?!? THAT MISERABLE FAT, DRUNK BASTARD IN BLUE PAJAMAS?! MAYBE IF HE CAN MANAGE TO PULL HIS LUMPY ASS OUT OF THAT WHEELBARROW, I MIGHT BE MERCIFUL ENOUGH TO LET HIM LEAVE THAT RING WITH AT LEAST ONE OF HIS LIMBS IN TACT!!

The Media Baron
Perhaps it would be wise not to take Zesty lightly, Magnus. I mean, he’s had some big wins over some tough opponents, and legitimately earned the right to compete for your Openweight Championship by beating Vic Gravender at Eye For An Eye.

Magnus Destructo
SO HE’S NOT COMPLETELY WORTHLESS... BUT STILL, HE’S DOOMED TO A GRISLY FATE!! IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW GOOD HE IS, BECAUSE ONLY THE STRONGEST AND MOST EXTREME COMPETITOR WILL LAY CLAIM TO THE NLW OPENWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP... AND THERE IS NOBODY STRONGER OR MORE EXTREME THAN ME, THE DREADED DEVOURER!!

AT TREASON, I’LL GIVE THAT BLUE BASTARD ONE LAST TOAST FROM MY GOBLET OF BLOOD, BEFORE I BREAK A VODKA BOTTLE AND SHOVE IT RIGHT UP HIS ASS!!

The Media Baron
Oh... my...

(The Media Baron turns white again as he gets a visual image.)

Magnus Destructo
SEE YOURSELF OUT, TWERP... AND TRY TO FALL INTO ONE OF THE DEATH-TRAPS WHILE YOU’RE AT IT!!

(The Media Baron doesn’t need to be told twice when he’s given the opportunity to leave – he splits without another word, leaving Destructo and his band of freaks to continue chumming it up.)

Magnus Destructo
HAW HAW HAWWW!!!!

Dominatra Bozoth
HAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

Gollomoch
Huh-huh-huh... huh-huh-huh...

Dulak the Defiler
Heh-HEE... heh-heh-heh-HEE-HEH!!

Magnus Destructo
HAVE AN UNHOLY SATANS-MAS, YOU MISERABLE TURD-EATERS!!

(Fade to black.)
 
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