(Johnny Onan stands before an MBE Banner. He holds an 8x10 promotional glossy of Justin Wvitable in his hand.)
ONAN: Oh for shame, MBE. For shame.
(He holds up the picture.)
This is the man? This is the man you call "The True Face" of M-B-E?
(He looks at the name on the glossy to get the rest.)
Come on now. Look at him. He is no Johnny Onan. Heck, he is hardly even one of my bulging amd perfectly defined bicep.
No, MBE. This face...
(Johnny Onan frames his face with his hands.)
...my face. Now this is the visage of rugged beauty, that should recognized as the Face of this company.
I mean look at it - the distinctive jaw line - the subtle, yet perfect, taper of my cheek bones.
You see this dimple right he on my chin?
This dimple on my chin has by itself more charm, charisma, power and werestling talent than three (3) Justin Evitables.
And yet he is the one you all flock to. And yet he is the one who you have carry your banner.
But I am not insulted. No. In fact, I completely understand.
You know your limitations. You know that the Chess Geek doesn't get to date the Prom King. The paunchy Goth Chick never gets to leave the party with the quarterback. Heck, in your case, you don't even get to give him a handjob under the bleachers.
BUT YOU SHOULD AT LEAST RECOGNIZE HIS RIGHT TO BE SEATED IN HIS WELL DESERVED PLACE OF GLORY!!!
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?
I AM JOHNNY ONAN!!!
I AM THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ANY OF YOU LOSERS!!!
AND THIS WEEK...
(He catches himself, and brings it down a notch.)
And this week, I will take one more step toward asserting my righteous postion at the top around here when I stomp in your "true face" and replace it with my far more gorgeous one.
Justin is walking past a camera in the locker room, he suddenly backs up and snaps his head quickly to the camera and removes his shades
Well, it looks like we have a dilema on our hands this week, it seems there is another "member" of the MBE locker room who thinks he is the hottest turd in town, well lets just say there isn't much room in MBE for people who think they are the sexiest, and I can name a few that already think so, the "True Face" has enough confidence of his looks, but I mean come on, this so called "Super Adonis"? Is that some sort of japanese animation super ability? is your hair going to turn gold and your muscle capacity increase tenfold? Do you honestly think you are just that damn good?
I'm sure there is a reason you were booted from modeling, cause its obvious you didnt have enough skill to just stand still and not move for a camera....or maybe you couldn't do your little turn on the catwalk, on the catwalk yeah you couldnt shake your little tush on the catwalk, so you came to MBE and thought it was going to be a little easier. Yeah, sure you faced a couple people and came out victorious, but lets look at your competition, you were set up for a cakewalk, and now you think you're going to come into the world of the "True Face" and just come out a winner and move on to the finals. Well, my over proteined friend, you need to remember that I have faced bigger giants in this company and have emerged victorious, just because you and Barry Bonds may have shared the same locker room once or twice, perhaps along with Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire, doesn't mean you are going to be destined for greatness here. The "True Face" is exactly that, the face of this company, and who better to be the winner of these Lord of the Boards. Plus, lets not forget that I have things that need to be done with Jeffery Roberts, who I'm sure I will be facing after I make good on my promise of defeating this juiced up wannabe.
Are you seriously going to judge your preformance just by how much sexier you think you are over me? Now, you may be living in Milan, my friend, but I'm too sexy for Milan, too sexy for Milan, New York and Japan, I have the girls flocking to ME out in the parking lots each night, and I have guys who want to be me more than I want to be me, and I REALLY REALLY love me, so that is saying something right there. It's saying that you aren't what you're cracked up to be, you don't have the skill it takes to knock me down a peg and derail my train heading towards destiny, you aren't going to get me in that headlock and even if you do....I can get out of it.
Of course, this could just be another Good guy vs. Bad guy propoganda that I could spit about everyone else, you know, the whole eat your wheaties, take your vitamins, knowing is half the battle, all that jazz, but I'm going to change it up a little bit and gear it towards this italian sausage eating fool who will be on the other end of the ring this week.
Justin holds up 2 Basketballs
These are my testiculars....now, if I had Johnny Onan's training regiment....
Justin drops the basketballs and the camera zooms in on Justin's palm as he holds it up to focus on two raisins, the pans up to his face.
(Johnny Onan stands in front of his favorite MBE Banner)
ONAN: To answer your question, Evitable; Yes.
Yes, I do think I am that good.
I mean look at me.
Okay, that's long enough, twinkle toes. Leave some of the eye candy for the other kids.
Now, Evi, I take it from your baseball references that you are questioning the ethicacy of exactly how I came to this glorious Taj Mahal of a physique. And to you, I say this: "Since when is it a crime to take pride in your appearance?"
JUst because you are content living in tht rickety shotgun shack of a body with your spare tire walls that wouldn't know a good fitness plan if it was jabbed into your left glute, that doesn't mean that I shuld aspire to anything less than the grand marble hewn palace that I the Bod du Onan - no matter what it takes to maintain it at it's peak of glory.
Who knows, maybe if you wear just to consider the concept of dietary suppliment beyond your atables of Twinkies and Ho Ho's; perhaps you wouldn't need to be standing where you are right now, gape-jawed, as you look upon me with envy while stammering to yourself, "I wish....I just wish...."
Oh who am I kidding? There's no way you could ever be as beautiful as Johnny Onan.
But I digress. So in response to you slanderous inferences about me, let me just say this. The fact of the matter is that Johnny Onan has never once failed a test when asked to urinate in a cup.
Can you say that much, Evitable?
Looking at your body and the obvious late-nite Doritos and chili dog habits that you wear around your waist, I won't be stunned if you can't answer that question publicly.
But hey, who am I to judge a ladies man like you?
Yeah, that's right. I called you a ladies man. See, I absolutely buy your caims of favor amongst the distaff set of MBE's fandom. No I don't find it inconcievable in the least - in fact it seems complete logical to me that the female in our arenas would absolutely flock to you.
After all, one doesn't need to be named Hoss or Jake or Jeff Ro to understand that it is perfectly natural for pigs to be attracted to slop.
But I know that there are finer things in life. And this why I don't settle for being corn dogs and tater tots or anything else from the cafteria trough of mundacity.
That's why I will never allow myself be anything less that the finest Black Sea caviar - the kind that you don't even share at the highest of High Society binner parties, but instead save for the most special of occassion when you can savor it alone and keep it to yourself.
That's why I am Johnny Onan and you are just another loser.
Well well, Johnny Onan, of course your physique is quite impressive, but as Shania Twain sais, that don't impress "ME" much...
But I'm not looking for you to keep me warm in the middle of the night, no, I'll save that for your anorexic floozies you may hang around with during your high society parties full of champagne and cheese squares, lets just say that's not the lifestyle choosing of your quote, True Face, endquote. I prefer the average joe's way of life, beer, football and Hooters girls, hey, it's cheaper and its much more enjoyable than having to rent out an armani suit, obviously in your case you may know the guy, and more power to you if you do, you'll need to pick out a nice suit to wear to my crowning ceremony when I become the next champion, and you're still facing off against the losers who can't seem to finagle their way out of a freakin headlock.
So you may not have failed a urine test in your day, what with your regimen of protein shakes and photo shoots I wouldn't doubt the only time you do urinate is out your ass, and if that got bleeped out then we can easily explain some brown stains we've been seeing on the locker room couches recently, shame, bad boy....you do that OUTSIDE....
But again I'm going to be subject to your "look at me" comments, as if that is supposed to distract me from the importance of this match, throw me off like sand in the eye or as if I was looking into sunlight, nope, my track record in tournaments is going to stay intact, Onan, and I'm not going to be dropped down a peg by some pompous frenchman.
Riki Yakamo comes from off camera to inform Justin that he is not french, and that just because he lives in Milan doesn't make him Italian either.
He's from Minnesota? no wonder he's trying to make up for his shortcomings, What a shame those North Stars were, oh well, now that we can explain his increasing lust for himself, as there isn't anything beutiful to set your eyes upon in Minnesota, and the women aren't exactly top notch either. I'll give them half a giggity at the most.
Nevertheless, it's time Dr. Evitable did a little plastic surgery to rearrange that little "money-maker" you got sittin under your hairline, because my repoitore sits pretty with a nice variaty of head drops to make sure you dont walk out pretty, or concious, or victorious, you'll be a list of muscle bound nimrods who think they had the skill to bring their game to the table and have it swatted back down to the indys, I've proven enough in my past and those days are behind me, now I'm going to force feed it to you all. It started with that other muscle bound imbicile PTSD, now it will roll over and carry on to you Onan, you will not be a finalist in this tournament because the lord of the boards is going to be another trophy on my mantle, sitting next to the empty spot that will be filled at MY next title opportunity, and hopefuly Doc will still hold it then, because from what I've been told, third time's a charm, and I only need one shot to take you to the mat.
Why Johnny? because I too have also taken my vitamans and eaten my protein shakes....
I'm sorry, apparently I've been corrected, Kelly from Marketing ate my protein shake
Oh that's all details anyway, Onan, the point remains the same, the training has taken place, the preparations set, I know I walk in with enough to be a finalist in the lord of the boards and to take the fight straight to whomever wins the match between Jeffery Roberts and....that guy.....what the hell was his name? no matter.
I will also turn you into a nobody, Onan, because you will be another defeated member of the MBE locker room this week, you'll have to shake this one off and wait for your next opportunity at showing off your flashy new greasy haircut to the fans who will then in unison throw trash at you, thus scuffing your Belvedere shoes or whatever the hell your type likes to kill and put on their feet.
Oh, and seriously Onan, caviare? how freakin cliche are you all of a sudden, I guess the white wine and crackers weren't available from catering, or perhaps your Saffron spices were backordered. Geez, with all your food talk you sound more hungry than you are ready, go make yourself a sammich before we face off in the ring, I don't want this to be some sort of cake walk for me due to malnourishment...
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