A kitchen table. Jeffrey Roberts is sitting down eating a salisbury steak TV dinner. Behind him on an otherwise completely white and featureless wall on nails hammered into it hangs a sickle, bloodstained on the tip, a dagger similarly stained, a curved samurai sword - clean, two kitana blades - clean, and a long string of black cats.
One of these things is not like the other.
The steak is delicious though.
Roberts: "So I was thinking....." (Roberts puts takes a bite and then gestures toward the camera with it as he speaks) "...this is going about how I expected it to go. There's been Andy, Promo, Storms.....there was that charming Johnny Onan fellow in the ring last week, Justin Evitable and his march toward fan favorite heaven. It's been a little bit like the series of challengers you have to vanquish before making it to Bald Bull on Punch-out."
"And Doc, you're that bald bull....so to speak."
"General Mayhem, you're Piston Hurricane or....Pizza Pasta.....I don't know, I don't remember the game that well. But either way, I have many many many tricks up my sleeve to prepare the way for my inevitable date with the Bull. I think I saw you in a GI Joe commercial when I was a kid. I could be wrong. I've taken many shots to the head over the years. I suppose I could be mistaken."
"My thirst for blood....it's been moderately satisfied lately. I was allowed to throw Bryan Storms aroung.....able to throw a couple clowns out of the ring at the end of the show and then you, Mr. Onan....well....you got vandalized a little bit. Take it as a compliment. Grafitti is the art of the street."
Roberts stabs another piece of delicious steak and takes a bite, slowly pulling the fork from his mouth....savoring the flavor....
"That leaves me in a reflective state of mind this week. I'm a little like Lestat after a good feeding, full of color and ready to take on the world. Doc Silver....like it's been said - it's inevitable. The old versus the new. I may even be able to inspire you to speak on screen for more than ten seconds. I thought about screening a picture of you onto one of my t-shirts for when I'm on television just so everyone remembers what their World Champion looks like."
"Although I guess I can't really single you out. No one seems to be the bastion of face time around here. Although, at least there's something to look forward to. General Mayhem seems to be a nice foe in a video game, but in real life? I think we both know I'm more likely to play the home game of pin the tail on the donkey with him....with railroad spikes.....than he is likely to beat me in the ring."
"All the better. By time we meet, I'll likely be a little hungry again. The need for blood will take over and we'll do....really, what you do best. I can think of nothing more alluring honestly."
"After all, Doc.....I'm only happy when it bleeds...."
Roberts slowly cleans off his fork and stands, returning it to an empty nail on the wall....
Your General is beginning to think that there is something in this Attention Deficit Disorder disease after all.
How else can Jeff Robert's behaviour be explained?
First he takes an eternity to say something, finally managing to open his mouth and speak a few hours before the match, which is disrespectful towards your General and shows no awareness of how dangerous, intelligent and good your General is at what he does.
Secondly, he proceeds to talk about all manner of subjects not related to your General, like someone by the name of Doc Silver. This is further evidence of ADD and disrespect towards your General.
Thirdly, he thinks your General is some character out of a video game. Now, the bright lights may have scrambled his brain, and rendered him unable to heed this, but your General can assure him that he is not facing a pixellated enemy who comes up with fiendish schemes to take over the world and defeat the hedgehog or plumber before being beaten at his own game. No, he is facing General Mayhem, where any injuries and death are all too real, and there is no ability to restart or insert coin.
Fourthly, and finally, he is commiting the cardinal sin of eating before a match. Can you imagine someone fighting for their life while at the same time being in pain from indigestion or passing gas non-stop? Of course not. Your General can guarantee that the Salisbury Steak will go straight back up from whence it came.
Jeffrey Roberts' only consolation will be that there won't be anyone's Chocolate Salty Balls to come back up also.
A long olympic style sparkling swimming pool. Sitting atop the lifeguard tower in full gear...shorts, tank top, neon colored reflective paint under each eye and a visor on his head.....is Jeffrey Roberts. A whistle is nearby, just in case. A megaphone rests over a protruding part of the tower, just in case. A life preserver is over the tower.......
Just in case.
There's no one in the pool......
OR SO WE ARE MEANT TO BELIEVE!!!
Suddenly, Roberts blows the whistle hard one time and stands to the ready, pulling the preserver from its perch and tossing it into the water. It's a perfect throw, landing over the top of a floating object in the deep end. We're meant to understand that in a small sense, this object is General Mayhem's promotional work for this week. In a much larger sense, we are to understand that it is in fact his entire career and for those introspective types looking for even deeper meaning....it is society's sanity as a whole.
Roberts swims to the object, pulls it across his back and swims to safety...flinging it onto the pool deck and leaping to it's side, preparing for mouth to mouth. Roberts thinks this over however... and instead kicks it back into the water, where it immediately sinks.
Roberts goes over to the vending machine.....and buys a Pepsi - then remembers the camera....and the expectation for actual monologue.
Roberts: "How can Jeff Roberts' behavior be explained, you ask. Ah, if that isn't the eternal question for you then I don't know what is. How to explain the unexplainable? 'Crazy'...that's the technical term I believe, not so much ADD. ADD would be a lot easier to control. Pop a pill and it's all over. All better. Fifty million of America's finest future leaders can't be wrong."
"You make a valid point. You're no pixelated part of a video game. More than likely, the two dimensional image on that screen holds much more depth than you've ever shown. I wonder which button combination causes the hero to commit suicide? I wonder if I could figure out? I wonder if I'll try to find out during our match?"
"Also, while I do enjoy a good steak dinner....or...a frozen one....from time to time, I don't see how it could affect me during the match proper. I'm also pretty sure I didn't eat it 'hours' before the match, considering I ate it yesterday....and here I am today, and the match hasn't happened yet. There might even be the small chance that I've eaten SINCE then."
"Any respect for you would be immaterial as well. The concept of respect is a foreign one to me as I'm sure is evident by now. I'd just as soon shake your hand as cut it off...and whether or not my multitasking meets with your definition of respect is quite a good way down my list of priorities at the moment."
"Now - I'm not planning on saving you from this sinking ship that you've placed yourself on by being....oh, how to say it?.....boring, stupid, a caricature? It's multiple choice, so any would do. I understand those who persistently choose 'C' do the best.....but I do plan on wiping the mat with you....with your face.....wiping your blood off the mat.....with your face."
"Maybe next time....don't jump right into the deep end, General. And just so you've got it all cleared up? I've never been dismissed.....but you're about to be discharged...very....very....VERY....dishonorably....."
Well, Jeffrey Roberts, it appears that you don't even know what day of the week it is or what time it is or even what month it is.
How else can someone explain your ridiculous behaviour of going swimming when you are supposed to be at the arena waiting for the match to start?
You have shown consistent disrespect towards Your General, MBE and the fans throughout the last few weeks and Your General has had it up to here. He will put a stop to your infantile behaviour at WNW and end the extremely poor and underachieving career of Jeffrey Roberts.
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