While We're Waiting

[Manson]

V/O: While we wait for the NFW season to begin, MICHAEL MANSON, free from his commissionary duties, has sought to spend his free time in varous capacities. After turning down several "Don't Do Pez" commercials, he struck up a friendship with actor CHARLIE SHEEN while filming a "Make Pez, Not War" commercial.

((B/W Footage: MICHAEL MANSON, in all black and overcoat, stands with an Osama Bin Laden pez dispenser standing next to CHARLIE SHEEN, in white t-shirt and teenis shorts and shoes, holding a Saddam Hussein pez dispenser. They stand in front of a mock-up of the Middle East.))

SHEEN: And remember, there's no need for war when we have pez...

MANSON: Unless of course, we have to root out the infidels to get at our supplies.

((They both nod to each and take a hit of pez.))

V/O: Th friendship struck up, over the power of pez, was so strong, that CHARLIE SHEEN insisted that MICHAEL MANSON be retroactively added to the greatest moments of his life.

((DOCTORED FOOTAGE airs. A photograph from the wedding of CHARLIE SHEEN and DENISE RICHARDS with MICHAEL MANSON, edited in, wearing a blood red and black suit in the foreground toasting the couple. Followed by a still clip of Platoon, of SHEEN's character taking a hit from a rifle with MICHAEL MANSON, in fatigues, edited in besides him, chanting SHEEN on.))

V/O: A testament to such a friendship is shown in the ways it can change a man's life.

((CUTTO: CHARLIE SHEEN, sitting on a couch on the set of E! Ttue Hollywood Stories.))

SHEEN: I used to wake up, snort up some, go through at least a thousand hookers a day. I didn't even know what I was doing, I was so high and there was a line coming out of my hotel room. Yeah, weird, I know, even with the broken windows. When I'd run out of money, I'd try to go to the bank, but I could never find the door and I would tell everyone I saw I could do whatever I wanted, because I thought my dad was the president because he played one on TV. Then housewives would feel bad for me and I'd go through a few sets of them

Then I'd get my hands on their medicine cabinets that way and I'd be back up there in nowhere. Sometimes, after that a housewife would come back with me to the hotel for an orgy. I think I even sleep with a few men, possibly a dog. I only know I remember that face looking back up at me. So innocent.

But no, I didn't find the Lord,no, a wise man turned me on to pez. I can eat it, grind it, and yes, I have found a way to smoke it. Since then, I tookover SPIN CITY once Michael J Fox gimped his way off and I married the beautiful DENISE RICHARDS, who wasn't as used up after as we thought. Thank God for Mike Manson.

V/O: Such a friendship survives even in the face of insurmountable challenges.

((FADEIN: A re-enactment of MICHAEL MANSON, in black jeans, bare-foot and wearing "Goats Aren't for Herding" t-shirt, sitting across from CHARLIE SHEEN, dressed in plaid collared shirt and khakis. A checker board is between them, as a line of strawberry pez takes up the edge.))

SHEEN(his nose an abomination of pez): Thanks again, Mike. Denise doesn't like me keeping all my porn at the house.

MANSON(kinging a black piece): It's nothing.

SHEEN: I don't know, there, I have a lot of porn. Somehow it all accumulated over the years. I didn't think we could fit all into that empty swimming pool, but you wouldn't give up.

((A cell phone rings.))

SHEEN: That's me. (He reaches into his pocket and produces a cell phone and begins talking as MANSON, with a swipe of the hand, steals a few red pieces and takes a black one back onto the board.)

SHEEN(on phone): Yeah...yeah..no....no..I can't....I don't have time....Come on..this is a my health man..No..no..don't call my father....yes I am related to Emilio..listen.....No, wait.

((He places phone in frustration.))

MANSON(blankly looking): Problems?

SHEEN(his face contorted): They called me in to reshoot some scenes. I can't though, I have rehab. If I miss one, I'll fall spiraling back into my free-wheeling sexual lifetstyle I've given up for pez. But I signed a contract, and this movie will be huge, huge I tell you, TERMINAL VELOCITY huge. I don't know what to do.

((SHEEN sits for a moent, suddenly, he looks at MANSON.))

SHEEN: YOU! You can take my place.

MANSON: What? At rehab?

SHEEN: No, I need to go to that. Besides, who would think a person like you would ever need to go to rehab?

((A beat.))

SHEEN: No, you'll my place on set at my latest Hollywood movie.

MANSON: I don't know..let me check to see if the NFW season is starting..

((MANSON gets up and walks to a small statue of George Washingont's head and shoulders, ala the BATMAN tv series, and lifts it up to reveal a red phone. He carries it over with him to his place. He quickly dials a number.))

((CUEUP: Heavy breathing and moaning.))

MANSON: Miles? Miles? Come on..get your pants on and come to the phone...Miles?...you **** **** and you're a ****.

((MANSON hangs up and then dials again.))

((CUEUP: Heavy breathing and moaning.))

MANSON: Doc?..Hey, hey..Martena..come on now.

((A click as the phone on the other end is picked up.))

VOICE: Mikey? Mikey? That you?

MANSON: Miles?

MILES(over the phone): Yeah, hey man.

((CUTTO: The set of MAJOR LEAGUE 13: Screwball, filmed at a nearby stadium. The stands are filled as SCOTT BACKULA, with a goatee and Vulcan ears designating him as the evil coach, stands across the sidelines of TOM BERENGER, using a walker. The EVIL SOX are up at bat, a run down at the bottom of the ninth, and MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN is up at bat. The Indians call a time-out as BERENGER takes a shot of scotch and stumbles over to the mound. He has words with the pitcher, who steps down.))

BERENGER(one eye closed and slurring): All right....(gives the signal)..Give me Vaughn.

(( A heckler in the stands, wearing swasticas and EVIL SOX jump-suit and ball cap stands out.))

HECKLER: WILD THING....YOU ARE CHOK-ING...YOU MAKE MY ASS SING..

((Suddenly, the heckler,JOHN MALKOVIH in a supporting role, is struck fast in the head by something and he falls like a log, blood erupting from his head.))

((CUEUP: "Wild Thing" as 'Ricky Vaughn' in Indians baseball uniform in leather jacket and chains mamkes his way to the mount. The crowd sings along as he takes his place. BRENGER remains and steps forward for a word...instead 'Vaughn' takes a slug of his scotch and sends him off.))

((CUTTO: 'Vaughn' winding up and throwing the ball at the first baseman, beaming him hard in the head. The crowd becomes unsteady as 'Vaughn' then beams MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN in the head.))

CLARKE(holding his head): Hey boss..now that's not in the script...

(('Vaughn' begins relentlessly hurling baseballs at all on the field as the actors and cameramen take cover in the dugouts as the stands erupt in chaos. MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN then charges the mound.))

CLARKE: I'm um goin have ta hurt cha, boss.

((MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN walks into a kick into the mid-section and then is a victim of the SWEET DREAMS stunner, as the ballcap flies off to reveal MICHAEL MANSON. The production team huddles deep in the dug-out.))

DIRECTOR: My God, what has happened?

PRODUCER: This is chaos, absolute chaos. How will I pay off the mafia now?

DIRECTOR: That cannot be CHARLIE SHEEN.

DENISE RICHARDS(on set as a guest): It isn't? That's not Charlie?

((She looks down at the bite marks on her cleavage.))

DENISE RICHARDS: CHARLIE DIDN'T BITE ME!!!!

V/O: And so, everything turns out in the end....due to the strength of an immortal friendship....off-time from the NFW..and the hope that is issued only from pez.

((FADE TO BLACK as a text message is then shown.))

**The preceding was produced by the World's International Pez Council and Charity Organization, proud sponsors of the new NFW season. Go get 'em, Mike!**