WFW'S 1ST CANDIDATE IS DISAPPOINTED

[PaulNJ21]

AND NOW, A MESSAGE FROM WFW'S FIRST PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE...

(A blacked out silhouette of a man appears on the screen. He's sitting in a folding chair in front of a "WFW" background.)

V/O (female): WFW's First Presidential Candidate is disappointed.

(The silhouetted man gives a thumbs down to the camera.)

V/O (female): He's been studying the WFW's roster of talent and he isn't impressed with the way you collectively have chosen to represent yourselves. When he looks up and down this roster he sees a number of wrestlers who have the potential to draw a passing interest from a fan. Men who, in serious competition, or the right situation, could even sell a ticket.

(A harlequin's face appears on the screen behind the silhouetted man.)

V/O (female): Unfortunately, our candidate observes that most of you have been the victims of very...bad...advice. On one hand...we see a man with a fairly nice look...a modicum of speaking ability. Someone told him that it would be a good idea to wear a ridiculous costume and call himself..."Rat Fink." We don't think that will motivate the populace. What this young man needs is a change of scenery.

(A question mark appears on the screen behind the silhouetted man. He folds his arms and appears to stroke his chin.)

V/O (female): Actually...our friend "Rat Fink" needs a change of biology. Something went wrong in the womb for this man. When he is in charge...WFW's First Presidential Candidate will see to it that men like this are put to some use...even if it is shining his boots or getting coffee.

(Rat Finks' face appears again on screen. Over it appear the words..."WFW NEEDS A MAN WHO CAN DRESS AS ITS PRESIDENT.")

(Shots of Luster appear on screen.)

V/O (female): Here we have a grotesquely overweight man who scares small children. The choice is obvious. Unfortunately he chose to put on provocative clothing and attempt to sell himself as a sex symbol. It doesn't take a genius to tell a whale like this that he isn't going to sell pin-up posters no matter how hard he tries. Ho-hos and ding-dongs are not the breakfast of champions. But our candidate can find a use for this man...thorough liposuction...then we can throw away the bad part and make what's left into soap.

(Words appear over Luster's face on screen: "WFW'S PRESIDENT SHOULD KNOW HOW MANY TWINKIES ARE ENOUGH")

(Adam Benjamin appears on screen...delivering his first promo.)

V/O (female): Here we have WFW's future. An enthusiastic young man who doesn't know which door is the entrance and which is the exit. With the right guidance...our candidates guidance...he can be packaged and sold to the 14-year-old girls as a teenage heart-throb. Then in 2-years when his popularity is used up he can be put to work as a hooded jobber-slash-ringboy. His excitement is good...but misguided. He has much to learn...and he needs to be running to the store in between opening matches in order to pay his dues. This young man doesn't realize yet how green he is.

(Words appear over Benjamin's face. "WFW'S PRESIDENT SHOULD KNOW THE NAME OF THE LEAGUE.")

(The face of Doc Silver appears on screen...obviously mid-promo..the audio is muted.)

V/O (female): Here we have the WFW's crown jewel. A man who our candidate will work with up-close...refereeing his match. The man on this screen will sell a lot of tickets 8 years ago. Unfortunately...his time has passed him by and the only people that know it are him and WFW's First Presidential Candidate. Until now...he still finds enough painkillers and ice each match to be able to wrestle at his top form. If he lasts...when the time comes...our candidate is fully equipped to remove the belt from his waist with his own bare hands. Until then...our candidate knows how to properly bleed the last shred of marketability out of this man before sending him to the glue factory.

(Words appear over Doc Silver's face. "WFW'S PRESIDENT SHOULD KNOW AND CARE THAT IT ISN'T 1994.")

(The background screen fades to green. The silhouetted man unfolds his arms and leans over on one knee.)

V/O (female): Any way you slice it...there's only one option for WFW's future. It would be extremely hazardous to the health of every member of this roster and the fans to elect someone else. Misguided gimmicks can make you nauseous. You need to be shown the light. You need to be freed of the dunce cap that even now dampens your thoughts. The first step is to step in the booth...and flip that switch for the man before you.

(The screen turns to a big green check-in-a-box graphic. The silhouetted man nods. FADEOUT)

THE PRECEDING MESSAGE HAS BEEN PAID FOR BY WORLD'S FINEST WRESTLING.

 

[Showtime24]

RE: WFW'S 1ST CANDIDATE IS A DOUCHEBAG

(FADEIN to Scotty Michaels, sitting in the office area of his Philadelphia loft. Scotty's sitting back in the chair, legs on desk, wearing a shirt and tie... he's smoking a cigar, puffing smoke at the camera. He finally puts it down....)

SCOTTY MICHAELS: I've been so busy putting all of my time into my match with Mike Manson tomorrow, that I've overlooked the fact that someone's been talking trash... about how he's going to be the man who is elected president. Well tell me this, "mystery man", if you're so damn great... how come you can't bare your face right now. At least when I talk smack, people know who I am. I've come forward and said it to their face, on a number of occasions. The fact of the matter is that while I may not exactly be boys with Rat Fink and Doc Silver and the like, at least I respect them. The words that come out of your mouth... they're ridiculous.

(Scotty puffs on the cigar a few more times...)

SCOTTY MICHAELS: I could've just remained quiet, until my match with Mike Manson had taken place... I could've just laid low, because like an idiot... you failed to mention the Viewer's Choice. But me, never at a loss for words, I've decided to make you take notice. I don't know who you are or what you are, but if you're everything you say you are... maybe you can be my running mate in the elections. The Dick Cheney to my George W. Bush... the Gerald Ford to my Richard Nixon... the Robin, to my Batman. You're a joke... and you better believe that I'll be watching the main event closely at the Spirit of NGEN, because I want to know exactly which loser you really are.

(FADEOUT, as Scotty continues to puff on his cigar...)

 

[PaulNJ21]

WFW's 1st Candidate Thanks You

AND NOW, A MESSAGE FROM WFW'S FIRST PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE

(The American Flag appears on screen with a logo that reads "WFW's 1st Candidate" superimposed over it.)

V/O (female): Mr. Michaels...Your First Presidential Candidate appreciates the time and effort you take in participating in your league government. It's men like you, adorably misled as you may be...that let him know that the unwashed roster really care about their fate.

(The Flag and WFW logo dissolve to a "Thumbs Down" graphic on screen.)

V/O (female): With that being said, the first Presidential Candidate thinks it is important that you not overexert yourself by thinking too much about issues fit for a league leader. You ask why he does not reveal his face now.

(The infamous 'dancing baby' graphic comes across the screen.)

V/O (female): Would it do an infant any good to ask why her parent is covering his face when he plays peekaboo with her? Of course not...it is simply to increase the enjoyment of the simple people that comprise the WFW's roster and audience. In the game of peekaboo...there is the deeper meaning of helping a child establish identity...but the baby cannot understand that. Trying to would only waste time that would be better spent soiling herself and savoring the squishy feeling in her pampers.

(Scotty Michaels' head appears superimposed over the head of the dancing baby.)

V/O (female): Mr. Michaels...to your first Presidential Candidate...you ARE that overreaching baby. Don't speak of respect...because your Candidate understands the concept and knows that respect is the exact reason you are not fit to be a centerpiece of this league's glorious future. Tubs of lard like Luster are not worthy of respect...only pity. Respecting someone like Doc Silver will only lead you to conclude you cannot defeat him even when he is a 45-year-old near cripple who is ripe to be dethroned.

(The baby graphic dissolves back to the American flag and "WFW's 1st Candidate" logo.)

V/O (female): Respect is an outdated concept that only hinders progress. Your First Presidential Candidate understands that...just like many other concepts that are beyond you. But don't worry your adorable little head about that. All you need to do is grab the crayon you will use to fill in your ballot and scribble the check mark in the appropriate box...and then you can wallow in your own feces with joy while he takes care of the big picture. Thank you and god bless.

THE PRECEDING MESSAGE HAS BEEN PAID FOR BY WORLD'S FINEST WRESTLING.