I shunned a voodoo witch, decapitated a black cat
(Written by Alex)
(Fade in to a close up of the newly built wood carved sign welcoming everyone into Critter Country. There are many families in line waiting to ride on Splash Mountain and The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh. There is a large crowd outside of the Davy Crocket Explorer Canoes. There is yellow Caution tape around the entrance of the ride as the referee and WFW security are pushing away fans. The most noticeable signs are “Jesus Doesn't Want You For A Sunbeam” and “Melton for President of AARP.” )
BRANDON JACOBS: Welcome back everyone to what should be the most hotly contested match on the card. The match has been made country strap whipping match, which ironically makes it probably the least painful of the things laying around Critter Country. This is again a reason why the WFW continues innovating wrestling in the new millennia.
I would say that coming into this match The Cameron Cruise Project has quickly garnered a lot of fan support, and I attribute it mostly for becoming WFW’s very own Odd Couple.
VIC WATERS: Unlike you Brandon I don’t like the young men, while you and the fans continue to worship whatever flash in the pan there is, Dan Ryan and Beast are proven to be excellent. Beast is just too strong and Dan Ryan to good.
JONATHAN MARX: Hey Vic let me pull your mouth off of Beast and Dan Ryan’s Johnson, because Cameron Cruise and Joey Melton really have pushed wrestling to a new premium here in the Tag Tournament and I think we will see that their speed and wrestling ability will be able to transcend the size and power Dan Ryan and Beast have in this match.
BRANDON JACOBS: Well gentleman lets send this down to Davy Crocket’s Canoe ride for introductions.
(Cue up: Headstrong" by Trapt as Cameron Cruise arrives standing like George Washington with one leg up on the first of Davey Crocket’s canoes. The fans around caution tape cheer loudly as he gives them a confident and arrogant stare.)
(Cue up: “Zero” by Smashing Pumpkins as the “Ego-Buster” Dan Ryan arrives in the next canoe his great size seems to engulf the entirety of the Canoe. The fans cheer wild and one of them closest to Dany Ryan attempts to offer him a large Turkey Leg.)
(Cue up: Monks chanting fading into Nickelback's "Figure You Out" as Beast Arrives on the next Canoe. He has a very determined look in his eye. He catches a quick glance with Dan Ryan. He immediately jumps out of the canoe and they both charge Cameron Cruise.)
BRANDON JACOBS: Well Dan Ryan and Beast do not waist any time as they begin to pummel on Cameron Cruise. Beast and Dan Ryan are just wailing on Cameron Cruise with those big closed fists.
VIC WATERS: Well that’s the advantage of having two of the best talents in all of wrestling now working together. Collectively they have earned more gold than all of Marx’s potential wives will take from him. Cruise won’t be able to wisecrack so nice without a brain.
BRANDON JACOBS: Here comes Joey Melton running to past canoes in the water. It seems as if missed his canoe ride into the match.
JONATHAN MARX: Well better late than never, hopefully he can pry those monsters off of Cruise.
BRANDON JACOBS: Well Melton arrives and immediately dives to clip the knee of Beast. Apparently he did not take too kindly to being reminded of his experience. He is really now just kick at the knees trying to ground the monster who has made a career of out flattening people. Melton has stopped his kicking of Beast and begins to proceed to aid his partner as Dan Ryan is choking Cameron Cruise with the yellow caution tape that is supposed to serve as a barrier. Anarchy is only 10 feet away if security fails.
VIC WATERS: Ryan is willing to do whatever it takes, and he knows it because he just might be one of the best people ever to step into a WFW match. He doesn’t choke under pressure like Cruise does.
BRANDON JACOBS: Now Dan Ryan and Joey Melton stand toe to toe. Dan Ryan has 100 pounds and 5 inches on Melton, this may not be good for the veteran. This is only one of many match ups these two have had over the years with each having had their share of wins. Melton begins and throws a chop at Ryan. Ryan winds up with a major haymaker and Melton ducks and drop kicks him in the knee.
Jonathan Marx: He continues to chop down these giants. He is really using this experience and in rink knowledge to really take down these guys.
BRANDON JACOBS: Melton goes over to the statue of Mickey Mouse that is meant to indicate how tall one must be to ride and he kicks off Mickey’s gloved hand and begins to walk over to Dan Ryan who is on one knee clutching the knee that is not on the floor. Melton lumbers over with that large wooden hand and winds up to hit Ryan in the head, when Ryan gives him a large left to the stomach and Melton drops the hand. Ryan slightly gets up off of both knees and gives Melton a jaw breaker.
VIC WATERS: That is composure gentleman that is how you correct the match.
JONATHAN MARX: Well this match is just getting warmed up, and neither has picked up the toys yet around the park that will make it interesting.
Brandon Jacobs: Ryan goes to check on Beast and nudges with him foot to get up. Ryan continues past him and heads through the yellow tape past the fans into Pooh’s Corner. What Dan Ryan is going to find in there is beyond me, they sell clothing and toys in there. Back to the action near Canoe ride as Beast is up again and fighting with Cameron Cruise. Beast picks up Cruise and gives him an Eddie Gilbert “Stun Gun” on the metal railing used to keep the lines orderly.
VIC WATERS: Well tonight Beast has accomplished something far greater than a belt, he may have permanently shut up Cruise.
JONATHAN MARX: Well Cruise has gotten up from worse, and he has fought battles with these guys many times. In my months in covering him, he has never failed to disappoint.
BRANDON JACOBS: Beast has not let up, and he is approaching Melton who is lying in a heap. Beast bends over to pick him up and it’s a LOW BLOW. Melton was playing possum and seems to have really taken advantage. He walks Beast over to a canoe, and props him there. He takes five-six feet walk back and begins a sprint and jumps over the canoe to deliver a devastating bull dog on the cobbled floor. HE GOES FOR THE COVER 1------------------------------------2
VIC WATERS: GET UP YOU BUM!
BRANDON JACOBS: Beast somehow gets a shoulder up.
JONATHAN MARX: I think I just saw some teeth. Melton has really come to fight tonight. He really is showing the crowd that older wrestlers are still competitive.
BRANDON JACOBS: Melton is now taunting him and letting him and play kicking him. BUT WAIT here comes Dan Ryan holding a shopping bag full of goodies from “Pooh’s Corner” and he waves the bag over his head and begins to swing down towards the head of Joey Melton and it crashes hard. What was that loud noise? Zoom in on that it looks like there is a lot of glass on the floor. Are those figurines? Zoom into the bag, it seems like there must have been 100 figurines. Eyore, Pooh, and Tigger oh my!
VIC WATERS: Now look at Melton, I haven’t seen a face get that swelled up since Lennox Lewis beat Klitschko. I don’t think Melton will pick up much at the retirement home now. His face looks like Grandpa Marx’s ass.
JONATHAN MARX: He helps pay your salary, and in his day you could win matches without the help of Tigger and Eyore figurines. This team has really decimated the CCP, and they are in need of some major help to stop this freight train.
BRANDON JACOBS: Well Dan Ryan is surely in a position to win this match now and advance to a title shot. He picks up Melton and begins to drag him by his foot out to the middle of the square in Critter Country. He walks over to the fruit stand and drags over the Dasani cooler carrying all the bottled drinks. He lays the cooler down and sets up Melton for a Full Nelson slam and he drops him on the cooler! This match is greatly growing to be a match that may end up with everyone on a stretcher. Ryan picks up the cooler one more time and begins to crash it on top of Melton.
JONATHAN MARX: Well Vic so is that what you mean when you say you have hit the bottle?
VIC WATERS: Well I may be a drunk Marx, but your team is losing.
BRANDON JACOBS: Now back over to the Davey Crocket ride as a staggering Cameron Cruise is going over to pick up another equally groggy Beast. They both begin to throw wild punches that both miss the mark.
VIC WATERS: This is the reason why I stopped going to AA, because I would fight like this.
BRANDON JACOBS: They are both now mutually grabbing each other over towards the Briar Patch near Splash Mountain. They are throwing punches that seem to glance off of each others sides. As they near the Briar Patch, Cruise begins to forearm Beast in the ribs and they stop near a popcorn stand. He follows it up with a swinging elbow to Beasts Jaw. Beast staggers a bit and Cruise drives his head into pane of glass on the popcorn stand, you cant tell where the red popcorn stand starts and Beast’s blood begins. Cruise begins to look for a weapon and starts imploring anyone in the crowd to give him something he can use. No one seems to want to help Cruise take down Beast. Wait, here comes Brer Bear out of the Briar Patch, and Cruise kicks him in the stomach and slings him into Beast, but Beast raises his leg and catches Brer Bear in the head.
(Large pop from the crowd as the Bear goes down)
VIC WATERS: The crowd always roots against the good guys. However will Brer Fox go down that easy?
Jonathan Marx: Well all that aside, Cruise really could have capitalized on this, he missed a chance to take out a stunned Beast. The team that wins this match will be the one who makes the least mistakes.
VIC WATERS: Or conscious
BRANDON JACOBS: Beast lumbers over towards Cruise who charges him and intends a flying cross body, Beast takes the hit and as he begins to fall back, he regains his balance, in his dazed look a sudden smile creeps on to his face. He now charges into the nearest large tree and slams him into the trunk. CAMERON CRUISE IS BROKEN! Unbelievable, Beast just ran ten feet faster than Michael Johnson could have. All that momentum behind his 350lbs he may have just ended Cruise’s career.
VIC WATERS: Well it seems that Beast is going to deserve a bonus for the service he just performed for the fans and wrestling history.
BRANDON JACOBS: Wait Beast is not done, as he now walks Cruise over to the Briar Patch store. Let’s cut back to Melton and Dan Ryan as they are engaging in a brutal beating.
VIC WATERS: The only beating I see is Ryan’s fist cut up on raggedy Andy’s face.
BRANDON JACOBS: Well Melton is currently in a tough position as Dan Ryan has him in a bear hug and seems to be intent on taking every last breath out of his body. The referee nears the motionless arm and raises it once and IT DROPS. ONE MORE TIME AND IT IS OVER! HE RAISES THE ARM AGAIN AND ITS DROPPING, BUT AS HE DROPS IT HE DROPS HIS THUMB IN DAN RYAN’S EYES. The hold is momentarily broken as Ryan tries rubbing the discomfort out of his eyes. Melton starts walking over towards the Briar Patch where I believe he is going to try aiding his partner, against Beast’s onslaught.
JONATHAN MARX: Well I guess all that age has as many advantages for Joey Melton as it has disadvantages for you Vic.
VIC WATERS: The referee gave him extra time, I had heard of slow counts, but slow drops?
BRANDON JACOBS: Beast is slowly lumbering behind Joey Melton as they are both racing to meet their partners and truly make this some form of team competition. As they approach Melton walks over to beast and starts exchanging punches off of Beast. Dan Ryan approaches behind Melton and grabs him by the hair and screams at Beast to find something in the Briar Patch store. Melton then turns around and delivers a mule kick to Dan Ryan, giving him an opportunity to get Cameron Cruise back in the match. As Dan Ryan recovers, Melton helps Cruise get up to his feet and they walk over to Dan Ryan, they hunch over pick him up and drop him down for a flap jack. All three men go down, as it seems like that move has both Dan Ryan and Cameron Cruise having trouble getting up.
JONATHAN MARX: That is the first bit of team work this match has seen, and you can see that the high impact team work of Melton and Cruise may have worsened Cruise.
VIC WATERS: You can see that no matter how old Melton is, he still only thinks of a move that would further injure his partner. Way to be all about Melton.
BRANDON JACOBS: Melton turns over Dan Ryan and goes for the cover, ONE------ AND WAIT HERE COMES BEAST RUNNING OUT OF THE BRIAR PATCH WITH A LARGE LEATHER STRAP THAT HE CRACKS ON MELTON’S BACK. Melton rolls and begins to look for cover from Beast’s belting.
VIC WATERS: Well that looks like Brer Bear’s belt and he is beating him the way Ike beat on Tina. It looks like Melton is getting prepared for the treatment he will receive in the retirement home.
BRANDON JACOBS: Cruise crawls behind Beast and begins to bite his ankle.
VIC WATERS: It looks like Beast is trying to kick off Cruise like a poodle. This is horrible, to the levels he has to stoop to win.
BRANDON JACOBS: Well Beast stops beating on Melton and as he attempts to start whipping Cruise, he rolls out of the way. Melton is up on his and drops a kidney punch from behind on Beast. Cruise now also up to his feet and they both send Beast into the railing that borders Splash Mountain, and Beast crashes in to the railing, and the only thing that prevented him from going over is the large indentation that he has now left in the railing. Cruise and Melton exchange a high five and as they turn around Dan Ryan collides with both of them for a stiff double clothesline. Dan Ryan now begins to shake the cobwebs out of his head from being dropped onto the floor.
JONATHAN MARX: This match has gone on for a good while now, and you know why no won has won, because they rely on all this kick, punch chair, I guarantee you the team that will win this match will be the first one to use some skills.
VIC WATERS: If people wanted wrestling they wouldn’t tune in to watch this bloody massacre, the team that wins this match will be the one with a survivor.
BRANDON JACOBS: Dan Ryan grabs the strap off the floor and begins to fasten it around the necks of Cruise and Melton who are putting up a major struggle as they begin to start punching the head of Ryan who lets go of the belt and begins to place himself in a defensive position. Beast now is beginning to approach the fray as well, as all four combatants are now finally situated in the same area. Beast begins to exchange punches with Melton, and Cruise with the strap still around his neck begins to do the same with Ryan. Cruise begins to assault Ryan with quick jabs, but Ryan manages to move back and take advantage of his reach as he begins to punch Cruise and maintain some distance. Cruise now fakes a punch and shoots for the leg of Ryan. Rather than work on a hold he goes for a schoolboy roll up and in sheer surprise he seems to have gotten Ryan’s shoulders down and the count ONE--------------TWO----- KICK OUT BY RYAN. A shocked Cruise is imploring the ref to count faster.
VIC WATERS: He thinks he deserves special treatment, but I hope he gets fined for that, like they would do in the NFL.
JONATHAN MARX: If this were the NFL, you wouldn’t be allowed to show up drunk to work.
BRANDON JACOBS: Focusing on the other action, Beast and Melton are near the entrance to the Splash Mountain ride, and security is working their hardest to ensure that there is little to no fan interference. Beast swings wildly with a left and Melton gets behind him and jumps on his back for a sleeper hold. Beast sensing the inevitable begins to run towards the railing near the platform which must be at least four feet high. He IS NOT SLOWING DOWN AS HE FLIPS OVER THE RAILING AND PANCAKES MELTON ON TO THE STEEL PLATFORM. THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY POUNDS OF IMPACT ON A COLD CONCRETE FLOOR WITH A RUNNING START; I THINK BEAST MAY HAVE IMMORTALIZED HIMSELF WITH THAT MOVE!
VIC WATERS: This is why people pay forty dollars, to see the end of Joey Melton’s career.
JONATHAN MARX: That was without a doubt the best act of preservation I have ever seen, and I don’t think any wrestling hold in the world can top what Beast just did.
BRANDON JACOBS: Paramedics begin to rush over to check on Melton and Beast, since all men are legal, technically both of these men could be taken to the emergency room. Now back to Cruise and Ryan as they are now fighting near where their comrades took the major fall. Cruise has now removed the belt from his neck and has begun to use hit and run tactics with Ryan.
JONATHAN MARX: Now matter how much of a beating Cruise has taken, he is displaying great savvy by staying of Dan Ryan’s reach.
BRANDON JACOBS: Finally Ryan catches the belt and brings in Cruise for a short clothesline, he ducks and using the belt as leverage he swings around and now has the belt wraped around Ryan’s neck. Cruise now has begun to use the belt to give him leverage while he begins to kick Ryan in the midsection, and as Ryan begins to stagger, he uses the belt to deliver modified DDT on to the floor.
VIC WATERS: If by modified you mean dropping his face on the floor at full impact. Then ya it is a DDT.
BRANDON JACOBS: As Cruise now has Ryan on the floor, he turns Ryan over and begins to tighten the belt around the neck of Ryan, he sits down places both of his feet on Ryan’s shoulders and with his arms he begins to pull the belt and he is choking the life out of Ryan. Cruise is smiling as he pulls back, but the glaze looks almost empty.
VIC WATERS: The bar is open but no one is stopping by for a drink.
JONATHAN MARX: Cruise has been the first person in this match to really integrate wrestling with all the other aspects of this match, and that is why he isn’t unconscious and is now well on his way to winning this match.
BRANDON JACOBS: Cruise signals the ref over to call for a tap out. The referee approaches and sees a very vigorous Ryan trying to escape the choke hold of Cruise. As the referee approaches Ryan, Ryan grabs him by his belt as he leans over and throws him into a head to head collision with Cruise. Ryan takes this opportunity to remove the belt off his neck and begin to go over and check on his partner. He just steps over the railing and starts pushing paramedics off of the wrestlers. As he surveys the damage, he sees his partner partially conscious and strapped into the gurney, he then turns to Melton and picks him up off of his gurney, and rests him on the Splash Mountain cart. He picks up a gurney off the floor that Melton was laying on and he picks it up as if it were a baseball bat and uses what should be most of his energy to wrap the gurney around Melton’s ribs. Melton flips over into the cart, and the robotic waist bar comes down and traps him in the car upside down.
VIC WATERS: Well it looks like Melton won’t have to get a fast pass to get on this ride, I sense the end is near for the Cameron Cruise Project, hopefully this means they can stay in EPW.
BRANDON JACOBS: Ryan tries finding a way to pin the motionless Melton, but for once his size may be his impediment, as he can not even fit his shoe in the cart. While Ryan is doing this, Cameron Cruise has come over to the railing is standing atop of it like if were the middle turnbuckle in a ring. He signals and before Ryan can turn around MISSLE DROP KICK FROM THE RAILING! Ryan just flipped into the car, and now the mechanic arm has dropped on him, except he is just half sitting and lying down, but it looks like he is really stunned.
JONATHAN MARX: That high risk move is what separates champions from the contenders. Anyone who can get up from the beating Cruise has taken, to deliver a move like that is championship material.
BRANDON JACOBS: Cruise has now signaled to people running the machine to send the cart off, and there it goes. Cruise has now turned this into a handicapped match, and by that I mean Beast is strapped into a gurney. Cruise picks up the belt of platform and begins to start lashing an immobilized Beast with the Brer Bear’s belt. He hasn’t stopped lashing him, when will the referee step into stop this massacre?
JONATHAN MARX: I believe this is Cruise exacting revenge for being called a no talent fraud.
VIC WATERS: How much talent does it take to beat a man unconscious who is already strapped into a gurney? He is still a fraud whether he wins this match or not.
BRANDON JACOBS: Well Cruise is still beating on him, for what seems like minutes, and with the cart nowhere near returning, the referee implores Cruise to stop and just go for the cover. Cruise has stopped beating him and finally goes for the cover. ONE-------------------TWO-------------------THREE! THIS MATCH IS OVER, HOPEFULLY NO ONES CAREER IS! The paramedics are racing down now to the platform to issue care to all these combatants who may have permanently crippled each other.
JONATHAN MARX: This match had a lot of blood spilled and teeth lost. While Dan Ryan and Beast will be a formidable pairing, I believe we have just seen the start of a great tag team dynasty.
VIC WATERS: Cruise still hasn’t proven he is a champion. Hell the way he won this match would be like me walking into a nursery and shaking a bunch of babies.
BRANDON JACOBS: This match may just end up being the highlight of the card, and this feud is nowhere near resolved. Folks, stay tuned because coming up next, Psycho & Noble Sheik will try to foil the unfoilable Savoy Posse for the final slot in the WFW World Tag Four Way at the Supersbowl of Wrestling, STAY TUNED!