(OORP: John's given me permission to roleplay for Eric Davis in his absence.)
(FADEIN: A white backdrop with "DAVIS = RATINGS" scrawled on it in what appears to be blue spraypaint. A grinning ERIC DAVIS sits on a steel chair in front of it.)
Davis: Aight. Now I know all you little b*tches out there are probably sharing a good laugh after what happened against Marcus Johnson last week. Well, stuff it, 'cause that match put the FLU in FLUKE. Literally, I mean. I tell ya, when the flu bug bites, it BITES. Let's see how well YOU do in a match when your head's spinning and you can't breathe out your nose. But I'll tell ya right now, if it weren't for the flu I'd have turned "The ZERO" into DICED FUGGIN' CARROTS.
You hear me, Johnson?! DICED!!! FUGGIN'!!! CARROTS!!! You can use 'em in your soup!
But hey, Marky Marc got what was coming to him anyway. Besides, I already beat him once, so all that means is that he evened the score. Next time... Diced carrots, guaranteed. So let's move on.
So who's on the docket this week, huh?
Ohhhhh yeaaaaah! Little Stevie Waltz! Dan Ryan's little pet project!
(DAVIS seems about to continue, but stops and laughs loudly.)
Sorry, dude, but you've got the GOOFIEST last name ever. Waltz. How does it feel to be named after a dance? Know what? I'm gonna call you La Cucaracha from now on. La Cucaracha is MUCH cooler than a waltz! You should be honored, kid!
So, La Cucaracha. You think you're somethin', don't you? I see you parading around here running your mouth about how you're the longest-reigning TV champion ever and how you've never been pinned, and it's starting to... get under my skin, ya know? I'll tell you what you are, La Cucaracha. A PUNK! You think beating DreamB*tch and Gabriel Ho makes you tough? Sorry, kid. Come back when you get wins over someone OTHER than a bloated sack of SCW sh*t and a blue-haired Goth who hasn't been out in the sun in THIRTY FUGGIN' YEARS.
I guess that makes you overrated, kid. No wonder Dan Ryan's got such a hard-on for you. Here's a piece of advice from a REAL big-money player, by the way - don't drop the soap in Dan Ryan's locker room. He loves those young buttocks, you know. Just one of many reasons Dan Ryan is MUCH, MUCH WORSE than Eric Davis.
Face facts, La Cucaracha. You're a punk kid whose only claim to fame is defending a title repeatedly against hacks, frickwits, and douchebags. I, on the other hand, already have the fame. Booger Smallz may be the paper champ of this company, but everybody KNOWS that Eric Davis is the REAL draw in this company. Me, Sands, Clapper, and Rowe are the guys and the gal who bring in the big dough. Hell, son, go out and take a look at the merch racks in the lobby. Davis merchandise sells like booze to a drunk! How many T-shirts have YOU sold, kid? Other than the one your mommy bought, I mean. She only did it to make you feel like a big boy. Little do you know that when you're not around, Momma Cucaracha slips on her Eric Davis T-shirt, sweatpants, socks, tenny pumps, baseball cap, windbreaker, shades, knucks, chains, and most importantly, her Eric Davis panties with my face on the crotch. Then she takes 'em off when I give it to her up the ass - all night, every night.
That's right, kid! I did your mom and fathered you out of wedlock. Just call me DAD.
But you know, son? You've been a naughty boy lately. I'm gonna have to punish you. No more TV title for you! Yep, I'll be takin' that sumb*tch and leaving you out in the cold. Oh, I'll also be blowing your rhetoric out of the water by, you know, pinning you. So much for being The Wonder Boy Who Has Never Been Pinned! And of course, I'll also be ramming your mom - AND your girlfriend! That's right, she's taken the initiative and fallen in with a dude who DOESN'T SUCK!
So go ahead, La Cucaracha. Run along and play with Dan Ryan some more. But remember this: Dan Ryan is MUCH WORSE that Eric Davis! It's been mathematically proven! By throwing in your lot with that washed-up pinhead you're signing your own death warrant, 'cause the New Team Phenom is MUCH BETTER than the little Uprising. Ask the Dark Carnival!
Enjoy that strap while you can, son, 'cause at X to the P, DADDY'S BRINGIN' IT HOME!!!