E.T. Go Phone Home
“If you thought that hiring aliens was weird.....
WAIT TILL YOU GET A LOAD OF ME!!!!”
[We fade into a small studio with an IGC backdrop and the newest scraper in the wrestling biz Raucous. He is dawning his in ring gear, a full black latex sleeveless attire that has yellow crossing through his chest in an “X” and his to his lets that are all yellow with a stripe of black on the sides. He wears a full latex mask as well that is black and yellow.
He begins to walk towards the camera crew and off set. Reaching out to a woman holding cue cards which he snatches out of her hands]
“No I ain't gonna read that gar-BAGE!
[He tosses the ones he grabbed over his shoulder. He pauses next to an assortment table of chips, cookies, and fresh cut sandwiches. Grabbing a plate he starts his takings.]
"Never really understood why we have to do this damn “hello and welcome, glad to be here, rant, rant rant”. I mean really why do I have to introduce myself, ain't they got a website guy who can plug my name and mask somewhere."
[He points at a random crew worker the camera zooming in on him.]
“Make a thumbnail! Do one of them Gif image thangs!
Doesn't matter actually…
I did my own advertising earlier....”
[Random street block somewhere around Pittsburg Raucous in full gear is gluing a self made poster featuring the name “Raucous” across the top and a picture of this mask under it. The camera a close up of him and the poster. Zooming back slow we can see he has littered the entire block with these posters.
“What do we got here, How the hell do you even say this dudes name?! Zith? I don't get it. I get it, but I don't get it, you get it?
You are an alien, straight out the sky and right to the ground! UFOing, crop circle making, cow killing, ass probing alien.
Now are you one of ‘em aliens like Close Encounters or Independence Day? Am I gonna have to nuke ya with Will Smith?
Pursue some happiness by whooping on ya?
[He lifts the sandwich to his mask realizing he cant eat it he just drops the entire plate on the floor]
"Look ‘ere bud, I don’t know what your deal is or if you got a ray gun tucked somewhere but I need to beat ya, actually I need to beat two of ya’s for a title shot.
In case you no habla the English. Consider me politically correct! And it ain't cause I don't like ya, I think you are...intersting...to say the MOST, but I have to pin you. You aren't listening are you....”
[He grabs the camera bringing it super close to his mask]
“PAY ATTENTION! I plan to go out to that ring, wrestle around with you, get the peeps to cheer, and go home to a cold friggin’ dinner!
And that aggravates me….IT REALLY GET’S ME HOT UNDER THE COLLAR!!!!
I go out there, I bust my chops and wrestle for this place and I have to come home to a cold dinner!!!
And it’s not even decent! Some slop that the lady friend cooked up that she saw Guy Fieri make!!!
Let’s not drag this on like District 9, lets get to the nitty gritty!
I don’t care if you are from planet Krypton or Mars, here on earth there is one thing you should be afraid of and that’s a welcome package of kick-your-ass!!”
[He begins to start slamming his finger into the camera lens as though he is pointing directly into it]
“So YOU go on and ‘phone home’, YOU tell ‘em to pack their bags and get ready! Tell them you love them, you compelted your mission here on earth! You call your mother ship and ask Scotty to beam you up! Tell 'em you have to get in the ring with Raucous!
[He lowers his tone to a whisper just briefly]
All I know is....
THERE’S GONNA BE A PROBLEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"