“If you thought that hiring aliens was weird.....
WAIT TILL YOU GET A LOAD OF ME!!!!”
[We fade into a small studio with an IGC backdrop and the newest scraper in the wrestling biz Raucous. He is dawning his in ring gear, a full black latex sleeveless attire that has yellow crossing through his chest in an “X” and his to his lets that are all yellow with a stripe of black on the sides. He wears a full latex mask as well that is black and yellow.
He begins to walk towards the camera crew and off set. Reaching out to a woman holding cue cards which he snatches out of her hands]
“No I ain't gonna read that gar-BAGE!
[He tosses the ones he grabbed over his shoulder. He pauses next to an assortment table of chips, cookies, and fresh cut sandwiches. Grabbing a plate he starts his takings.]
"Never really understood why we have to do this damn “hello and welcome, glad to be here, rant, rant rant”. I mean really why do I have to introduce myself, ain't they got a website guy who can plug my name and mask somewhere."
[He points at a random crew worker the camera zooming in on him.]
“Make a thumbnail! Do one of them Gif image thangs!
Doesn't matter actually…
I did my own advertising earlier....”
[Random street block somewhere around Pittsburg Raucous in full gear is gluing a self made poster featuring the name “Raucous” across the top and a picture of this mask under it. The camera a close up of him and the poster. Zooming back slow we can see he has littered the entire block with these posters.
“What do we got here, How the hell do you even say this dudes name?! Zith? I don't get it. I get it, but I don't get it, you get it?
You are an alien, straight out the sky and right to the ground! UFOing, crop circle making, cow killing, ass probing alien.
Now are you one of ‘em aliens like Close Encounters or Independence Day? Am I gonna have to nuke ya with Will Smith?
Pursue some happiness by whooping on ya?
[He lifts the sandwich to his mask realizing he cant eat it he just drops the entire plate on the floor]
"Look ‘ere bud, I don’t know what your deal is or if you got a ray gun tucked somewhere but I need to beat ya, actually I need to beat two of ya’s for a title shot.
In case you no habla the English. Consider me politically correct! And it ain't cause I don't like ya, I think you are...intersting...to say the MOST, but I have to pin you. You aren't listening are you....”
[He grabs the camera bringing it super close to his mask]
“PAY ATTENTION! I plan to go out to that ring, wrestle around with you, get the peeps to cheer, and go home to a cold friggin’ dinner!
And that aggravates me….IT REALLY GET’S ME HOT UNDER THE COLLAR!!!!
I go out there, I bust my chops and wrestle for this place and I have to come home to a cold dinner!!!
And it’s not even decent! Some slop that the lady friend cooked up that she saw Guy Fieri make!!!
Let’s not drag this on like District 9, lets get to the nitty gritty!
I don’t care if you are from planet Krypton or Mars, here on earth there is one thing you should be afraid of and that’s a welcome package of kick-your-ass!!”
[He begins to start slamming his finger into the camera lens as though he is pointing directly into it]
“So YOU go on and ‘phone home’, YOU tell ‘em to pack their bags and get ready! Tell them you love them, you compelted your mission here on earth! You call your mother ship and ask Scotty to beam you up! Tell 'em you have to get in the ring with Raucous!
(FADEIN to Xoesh the Zith, Grand Champion of Saedomoe, is standing in front of the camera with a starfield in the background.)
XOESH THE ZITH: Raucous, you are the epitome of what every Saedomoen knows of most Earthlings. You talk very LOUD and sound very unintelligent when doing so. You seem to be equipped with the basic functions that allow you to survive as a human…counting in Spanish and reciting lines from old movies. Extraordinary talent.
I received a transmission from Rosetta Stone…I am familiar wit this their teachings. You must be in the advanced portion of your studies there. Very impressive indeed. Perchance you can learn English before you proceed with more Spanish. You have much to learn in that subject. Such a sad example of what you people have turned this planet into.
I assure you, feeble minded buffoon, this is not like the movies. This is very real…and the anal probing that you joke about could very well become a reality for you. I have been waiting to probe Phil Atken for quite some time…but have yet to cross paths with him. Maybe you will be the first wrestler from the IGC that ends up in my laboratory. You may not remember all of your experience with me…but when you awake the next day you will feel violated.
(Xoesh tilts his head to the side and then back to its regular positioning.)
In the past few months that I have spent with you microorganisms wrapped in adipose tissue…I have learned that your customs are very peculiar. And while I have suffered humility in my debut for this organization…I must continue on with my battle for the citizens of Saedomoe. To prove to them that their Grand Champion will bring honor back to the galaxy that IGC has disgraced.
Oxuzi, the Grand Master and High Ruler of my planet, awaits word from me to send additional backup. I have informed him that I wish to delay the decimation of your planet for the time being…as I have yet to fully research all that you have to offer…and I have yet to locate Chuck Berry. Mr. Berry is the key to your planet’s survival. If I do not find him soon, we may accelerate the obliteration of your species.
My strategy to mix in with humans has not worked as I had anticipated. The downloading of my opponents moves and skill sets did not lead to victory. You may ponder the question…”why”? It’s very simple, you see. Because their offense has flaws, multiple weaknesses, and are not the superior fighting style that one must have in order to be a champion.
So I have gone out and taken a different course through the star charts and plotted a new route to take in order to achieve a style of grappling that is not only greater than every combatant here in IGC, but may quite possibly be the most advanced style your planet has ever bared witness to. And I will debut this new method against you, Raucous.
Perhaps after you are probed, if I see any benefit to using you…you may be one of the lucky chosen few. One of the humans I spare from inevitable cataclysm. It is conceivable that you may qualify for a special device I may implant you with…that will offer you protection as you do my bidding. Of course, if you resist…you will suffer the same fate as the rest of humanity.
Enjoy your arts and crafts with your sign making and all the things you enjoy while you can. After this match, you will never be the same again.
(Xoesh holds up a long thin tube and does a stabbing motion with it.)
FWrestling.com was founded in 1994 to promote a community of fantasy wrestling fans and leagues. Since then, we've hosted dozens of leagues and special events, and thousands of users. Come join and prove you're "Even Better Than The Real Thing."
Add Your League
If you want to help grow the community of fantasy wrestling creators, consider hosting your league here on FW. You gain access to message boards, Discord, your own web space and the ability to post pages here on FW. To discuss, message "Chad" here on FW Central.