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Tom Elijah v. Devil Mask 4k

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LQJT86C

Where's my money, Chad?
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Seth

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Tom Elijah Debut Promo
(FADE-IN: Strawberry B-exclamaition-point-itch stands before the camera, big ol’ wide grin on her face. She tussles her hair back a little and lets out a valley girl giggle, showing off the real moneymakers that you came to see. The bazoombas.)

STRB!TCH: Ladies and gentlemen, I’d love to welcome to you backstage to Next Level Wrestling. I’m backstage as the wrestlers get ready for Eye for an Eye and we’ve got a real treat for you tonight! In tonight’s show, we’ve got one of our newest wrestlers backstage, ready to give us an inter… enter… talkie… thing… folks, please welcome at this time… Tom Elijah!

(The camera pans around to see a sight that should pretty much be new to the NLW fanbase.

A tower of muscle with equal pairs hair.

Ugly, matted shoulder-length hair.

An uglier, tangled, reddish-brown beard.

And a face only a mother could love… if your mother was into amputee porn.

The face belongs to the newest superstar to join the ranks of the Ringside roster. For fans of its short existence, fans would recognize the man from Texas-based federations BRAND Wrestling and the more tenured Squared Circle. More recently, he’d had wacky adventures in Ringside Wrestling as its last Commonwealth Champion and the short-lived AWE brand in Austraila. Decked out in no t-shirt, black jeans, taped feet, and what looked like a silver flask in his hand, the man known to many as “The Wyoming Wild Man” Tom Elijah paces through the hallways in a somewhat frantic manner. In just a few minutes, the slovenly man looks to impress the Ringside fans. Hopefully not on form, but maybe he was a technical wizard or something.)

STRB!TCH: Tom Elijah?

The man, not batting an eye, stops in his track and turns to face STRB!TCH, who jumps at the sight of the Wyoming Wild Man’s grotesque beard.

Elijah: Yeah?

STRB!TCH: Um… well… We were hoping to get a few words from you regarding your debut tonight. What brings you to Next Level Wrestling?

Furrowing his brow, Tom starts walking away from the interviewer, heading towards destinations unknown.

Elijah: Need a new margaritaville. Old one’s busted.

(Trying her darnedest to keep up with Elijah, STRB!TCH continues to run circles around the big man like a lost puppy begging for attention from some passer-by on the street. It’s hard to do so in high heels, but she still manages.

STRB!TCH: Wait… but… what are your thoughts on your opponent, Devil Mask 4K?

Elijah: (not even eying STRB!TCH) Giant, wet, flopping douche. Probably in a mask. Probably got left behind by some coyote. Next.

STRB!TCH: (running out of breath) What are… what are your plans for Next Level?

(Stopping in his tracks one more time, Tom comes to a dead halt which causes the bimbo interviewer to stop suddenly, almost crashing into the six-foot ten giant. Barely avoiding bumping into him, she pauses as Tom leans toward the microphone.)

Elijah: Well, dear… after much preparation and dedication to this fine craft we call professional wrestling…

(He makes note of the silver flask in his hand before shaking it.)

Elijah: Sh*t. Empty Well, after much preparation, I am prepared to go out there, pick up where I’ve left off in other wrestling federations by bringing pain, misery, sorrow, anguish, destruction, mayhem, dismay, despair and any synonym in between. I look forward to splitting people’s heads open like rotten fruit while hordes of beautiful, half-naked women dance around me saluting my greatness as I feast on the blood of the innocent. I will go out there, take Devil Mask by the neck and f*cking snap it in half! There will be people cheering my name, chanting it from the ****ing rooftops!

(He takes the mic from her hand and clinches his teeth. He looks off into… well, something, and continues his diatribe.)

Elijah: I can see it now! Bunch of sketchy-looking internet nerds will be critiquing how I don’t know all kinds of wacky suplexes with twenty syllables? They’ll look down upon me and frown because all I do is go out there and lumber around like Frankenstein! But the fans will be cheering from on high! They’ll be clapping for Devil Mask to make a triumphant return! *Let’s Go Devil… Clap-clap-clapclapclap. Let’s go, Devil. Clap-clap-clapclapclap… But **** them all! I WILL NOT BE DENIED! I’M GONNA F*CK SOME **** UP! STARTING WITH YOU, YOU STRAWBERRY BIMBO! COBRALALALALALA!

(Shrieking for her life, The Strawberry B!tch heads down the hallway like a bat out of hell while Tom glances down at the floor.)

Elijah: …Idiots… Oh, NLW. Stay tuned. This place probably has some bills to pay, you can probably buy its ****ty DVD’s and “Dangerous” Duke Mackey might use big words that will surpise you. You know, like “future endeavored.” Stay tuned, we’ve got a lot more show coming right up!

(Knocking the camera over, he throws the mic haplessly over his shoulder and heads off to lord know’s where.)

FIN.

 
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