Yori Yakamo jr
- Jun 4, 2005
- Nutmeg State
THE WRESTLING CHRONICLE’S MBE RECAP
Live on ESEN from the MBE Arena in Binghamton, NY
Matt Burke, reporting
We’re back at the arena for show two of the ESEN era of Message Board Entertainment. Another capacity crowd coming off a strong debut show. The roster reads a bit like the walking wounded, though, with Nate MacNally on the shelf for a few more weeks with a concussion and injured neck and Jake McCody still suffering from bruised ribs. MBE officials would have liked to follow up Jake’s strong showing with a birth in the LOTB, but his injuries prevented that. Doc suffered a mild concussion at TINHAT~! (sorry) but he will work through it, as will Juen Lee, who has a bruised knee and a shoulder strain from getting flattened like a pancake by that crazy ass Jake McCody. Hopefully, the sexbot has a new head, or the old head, or any head, so my nightmares can end.
I question the wisdom of calling this show “Singled Out” when there are only three actual singles matches on the show, but maybe I am just splitting hairs.
Lights. Camera. Crowd shots. And here we go.
LOTB 1st ROUND: HOSS GARRISON v. GENERAL MAYHEM
Ah, time for another of my favorite summer traditions, along with those flavored ice thingies and reading bad Tom Clancy novels on the beach. It’s Lord of the Boards! Okay, so maybe MBE won’t be calling me to use that plug for their advertising copy, but I love me some tourney action. There’s sort of a weird curse around LOTB, too, as the winner never seems to get over the hump into MBE superstardom. Will this be the year that breaks the curse, or will we see Jack Gilkison 2; Electric Boogaloo. Only time will tell. We start with some slobbering and some knockering as one half of YOUR tag team of the year squares off with another in the long line of MBE Brits. Mayhem looked impressive in victory last week, but Hoss knows his way around the ring. I’d make a prediction, but those are well known around the office as being the KISS OF DEATH~! So I will refrain.
Hoss is out first, going solo this week. He’ll be hootin’ and hollerin’ for two this week. Fortunately, with the addition of Wild Card, we have once again equalized the Southerner versus Brit scale. Yeah, I don’t count Juen. He’s not really British, in case you didn’t know. Hoss is not the Billy I would pick to watch in singles action, but circumstances dictate it I guess. I predict punching and stomping! I am disappointed, though, that he did not come out in a “Voting’s for Sissies” shirt. MBEshop.com needs to make that happen. Mayhem is out next and is greeted with all the respect due a foreign dignitary of his stature. Okay, so he’s booed. The Lot’s Lot up front seems to like him at least, but he gives them a stern lecture about their drinking and hooliganism. Boo on that, says I. Looks like nationalism is dead, even if I’m pretty sure at least half those guys are fratboys at SUNY.
We start with some PUNCHING~! Score one for Burkrodammus the Prognosticator. Hoss jumps Mayhem as he enters the ring and lays in the leather. Mayhem says “Wait a minute. You’re with me, leather,” and fires back with some furious fists of his own. Hoss adds a little southern flavor with some American Dream elbows to take control. Irish whip and Mayhem plows through Hoss with a shoulder block. Physicality~! Mayhem demonstrates the proper way to drop those Dusty elbows, lecturing Hoss the whole time. Hoss doesn’t like that and fires back with a kick to ye olde gut. Hoss goes EXTRACONTINENTAL~! with the euro uppercuts. Even Mayhem thinks those were a little pitiful and fires back with some of his own, so Hoss goes to the American as apple pie eye rake. He hits the ropes and knocks Mayhem down this time with a shoulder block of his own. A series of Hansen style elbow drops gets a two count for our first pin attempt of the evening, Hoss brings the stomping as Mayhem tries to clear the cobwebs. Hoss body slams Mayhem back to the canvas, but a big Southern Senton finds nothing but canvas.
Mayhem hits the ropes and drops Hoss with a big boot. Some serious whiplash on that landing. Mayhem drops a knee and then unceremoniously slams Hoss’s head into the canvas a few times. Man, so much for my plan of enrolling in the British special forces. Running powerslam gets two. Mayhem keeps up the pressure on Hoss’s back with a Boston Crab as he sings some military anthem. Creeeeeeepy. Hoss claws for the ropes and manages to get a hold of the bottom rope. Mayhem walks him back into the center of the ring, but Ref Yakamo is having none of that and forces a break. Mayhem asks if Ref Yakamo has any idea who he is, and of course the younger twin has no clue. Mayhem gets all flustered, but takes it out on Hoss with the stomping. Irish whip and Hoss ducks a lariat and hits a flying shoulder block, knocking Mayhem down.
He tries to follow up with a South Carolina Stampede, but Mayhem wriggles out and yanks Hoss to the mat by his hair. Ouchie. He goes back to work on the back with the dreaded CHINLOCK~! He deposits his knee right between Hoss’s shoulder blades for good measure. Hoss is in a bit of a spot, but he refuses to say ‘uncle.’ He’s powering out….nope, Mayhem drives a knee into his kidneys and rides him back to the canvas. He’s got him in a modified crossface now, putting some serious torque on Hoss’s back. Hoss is trying to wriggle to the ropes, but Mayhem has him pinned down pretty good. Wait a second…Hoss is HILLBILLYING UP! He’s got Mayhem on his back and his muscling up to his feet. Mayhem is not happy with this turn of events. Hoss charges to the turnbuckle and deposits Mayhem face first into the pads.
Hoss tries to stretch out his back as Mayhem clears the cobwebs. Right hand from Mayhem...blocked. Hoss is letting loose with right hands. Mayhem is STAGGERING. Irish whip….BIG BACK BODY DROP! Ooh, Hoss is looking a little tender after that one. Mayhem is up, but he walks right into a SPINEBUSTER! That gets a loooong two count. Hoss calls for the Dixie Drivah! I dunno if it is such a good idea to announce to your opponent what is coming, and sure enough Mayhem counters with a fallaway slam. Hoss is clutching at his back. Mayhem has him up…BACKBREAKER….2.9! That was close. Mayhem is looking for a piledriver…Hoss is trying to block it. Hoss shoves the general off! He scoops up Mayhem…DIXIE DRIVAH~! Hoss is too hurt to make a cover though and Ref Yakamo works the ten count…at five Hoss drags himself over for a cover…..2.9! Mayhem manages to get a shoulder up. Hoss crawls up the ropes to his feet. Mayhem is up…Hoss is measuring him…DISCUS LARIATO...NO! Mayhem ducks! Kick to the gut. He’s going for the piledriver again…Hoss blocks. He’s reversing it…but his back gives out! The two of them collapse in a heap. Mayhem is up and he jumps up and DRIVES both knees into the back of Hoss. Man, that looked brutal. Mayhem scoops him up…PILEDRIVAH! Mayhem drags him over to the corner….SHOT AT DAWN! Hoss snaps back onto Mayhem’s raised knees. Mayhem flips over into a pin…and that’s THREE! Mayhem advances to face Jeffrey Roberts in the semifinals.
WINNER: GENERAL MAYHEM (9:57 Shot at Dawn)
Yes, there was some stomping and punching. Yes there was. I like this Mayhem fella, though I am still putting my chips in J-Rob’s corner. Cause otherwise he will cut me. Strong showing by Hoss though, who gave me more than I expected in singles action.
SO WHAT’S YORI UP TO, YOU ASK?
The Biffster is backstage with the big cheese who is dressed remarkably tastefully this week. Maybe the Thai Hooker marching band is booked for a bar mitzvah or something. Biff says everyone wants to know what is going on with the world title. Yori says the world title is doing fine and resting comfortably. It was not a drug overdose as TMZ.com erroneously and libelously reported. Biff has no idea what Yori is talking about, and wants to know what he is going to do about Promo stealing the world title from Doc last week. Yori says so THAT’S why Doc has been bugging him all week. Of course, he bugs him about something every week anyway. Biff asks if Yori actually watches his own program. Yori says he has been taking meds for his ADD, but all it does is transport him to a magical fantasy world where he is the Queen of the Dark Elves. So to answer Biff’s question, sometimes. Anyway, Yori says he’ll figure something out. Maybe a one on one match to decide who the real champ is at Total Elimination. Yeah, that makes sense. Well, at least one thing here does. Biff is about to close out the interview and Yori adds that in no way did Justin Evitable sexually harass the new backstage interviewer, Taylor O’Halloran. And anyone who reports that he did will be bombed with exploding dildos from Yori’s zeppelin, the Dildoberg Mark I. Okay, then.
WEDNESDAY, I’M IN LOVE
The Lot are chilling with a pint in their locker room. Well, Juen and Mac are at least, Nate is wrapped up in a blanket making sucking sounds. I kid you not. Mac asks if Nate wants some more beer Nate makes some sort of guttural noise and Mac pushes a pint glass with a little swizzle straw over to Nate who sucks on it blankly. Mac thinks this is no good, the little scamp hasn’t been the same since that damned Billy nigh took his noggin off. Whatever that means. Now it is just Juen and he left to defend the honor of the Wednesday, at least until they can get Nate to a brain doctor. I don't think that is a real profession. Juen doesn’t really know if he is in any shape to wrestle either, as he got kinda banged up between the luge training and getting crushed by Jake McCody, but Mac is having none of the diminutive Korean’s whining. He proposes a simple test to see if he can wrestle and promptly smashes a beer bottle over Juen’s head. Juen screams like a little girl and falls out of his chair, bleeding. Mac says see, Juen can still feel pain, unlike poor Nate. He smashes a bottle over Nate’s head and ZOMBIE NATE MACNALLY barely flinches. You know, they might be better off with the hooligan who can feel no pain. Just a suggestion. Mac says that’s almost too much bloody fun and smashes another bottle over Nate’s head. He apologizes to the poor sot first. But look, Juen has made him waste all this good beer now with his ninny-like prattlings. Juen asks who is going to carry the bag of pitch to the ring now. Mac says not to worry, he had Nate’s sister make up another butter statue, this one of Nate. It stands proudly next to the mostly melted butter statue of Steve MacLean. But wait a minute, there is a gash in Butter Nate’s head. Did Juen use Nate’s buttery skull to flavor his toast and jam? Juen claims he didn’t but gets a good thrashing anyway. Dear lord.
LOTB 1st ROUND MATCH: JUSTIN EVITABLE v. PTSD
Back to the ring for our second Lord of the Boards match of the evening. Both men are coming off defeats on the last show, but LOTB wipes away all records and pits man against man for the Lord of the Boards title and a shot at the Big Gold Belt. Petey Esdee is out first and he looks like a man who slept in Hobo Jesus’ dumpster last night. I know MBE is in a bit of a budget crunch, but you think they could at least spring for one of the motels with the coin-operated shaky bed and unscrambled porn. Given that Yori owns the company, I’d think he would demand at least as much. Anywhoo, Justin is out next to his 23rd different theme song (just a guess) and he has disposed with the entourage this week. Not disposed with the obscene dancing, but even baby steps are appreciated. Till thinks Justin’s pelvic thrusting shows more focus this week. Phantasmo thinks Till is a nitwit. I don’t think I have to tell you where I stand on that.
Justin climbs the turnbuckles to play to the crowd and PTSD wastes no time pearl harboring our stalwart true face. Can we have one friendly opening tonight. Vinman heads for safety as he considers how he lucked into the easiest job in wrestling and Ref Tussman starts the match. PTSD has already pulled Justin down to the canvas and drops a flurry of knees across the throat and head of the True Face. That’s not so nice. I mean, what would Hobo Jesus do? Irish whip and Justin is knocked down to the canvas with a back elbow. He yanks Justin back to his feet and locks in a full nelson. He is shaking Justin back and forth like a rag doll. He hoists Justin off his feet and charges to the corner, slamming the True Face chest first into the turnbuckle while still working the full nelson. Well, that’s different. He tries is again, but this time Justin gets his feet up to block. He pushes off and lands on top of PTSD, but the former soldier still refuses to release the hold, so Justin distracts Ref Tuss and goes downstairs. Well, that works. Justin is shaken up, but fires off some reverse euro uppercuts, snapping his opponent’s head forward with each blow and then goes with a front leg sweep to take PTSD off his feet. He tries to position Esdee for a crossface, but the big man is having none of it. He gets back to his feet and elbows out. Justin charges in but eats a big time sidewalk slam. That’ll knock the wind right outta ya.
PTSD hoists Justin up and deposits him back down with a shoulder breaker before stretching the True Face some more with a keylock. Justin has looked overwhelmed so far by his bigger opponent. Justin makes the ropes to force a break, but PTSD won’t let up, kicking Justin while he is in the ropes as Ref Tuss tries to back him off. Justin rolls out for a breather, but PTSD follows him out, stalking him. Justin has the presence to sidestep a charge though and PTSD collides into the ring steps. Justin tries to suplex Petey out on the mats, but that doesn’t go anywhere. PTSD reverses it, but Justin twists out and lands behind his opponent. We have a momentary stalemate before Justin CRACKS Esdee with the SKEETBOARD~! But the big lunk doesn’t go down. Another SKEETBOARD~! Justin is throwing bombs. PTSD is reeling, but still on his feet. Justin hops onto the apron and springboards back over his head for the VIDA INFRA! HOLY CRAP! PTSD CAUGHT HIM! Justin is in bad shape. PTSD SLAMS JUSTIN NECKFIRST ON THE BARRICADE. That was quite the THUD. Justin is glazed over. Jeez, the MBE medical staff is gonna be working overtime again this week.
Justin gets rolled into the ring and PTSD follows, beating the ref’s count. PTSD picks Justin up and drops him with a Samoan drop. He covers….NO! Justin gets his foot on the rope. Good ring presence by the True Face. Assuming he knows he is in a ring. Petey goes for the GERMAN SUPLEX OF DOOM! Justin goes limp to block and Petey can’t get him up so he drops Justin to the mat and STOMPS ON HIS HEAD! The crowd does not like that one bit. PTSD whips Justin to the ropes…Justin reverses it…but gets RUN OVER by a lariat. Justin is on dream street. Petey’s got the Guillotine choke! Justin is in trouble. What a ****kicking he is taking this week. The crowd is chanting for the True Face but 5 to 1 he can’t hear them. Ref Tuss is checking on Justin. You know the drill. Justin’s arm goes down…once…twice…..No! Justin still has some life left in him. He drives Petey back into the turnbuckles. That gets him some breathing room. Justin throws some hambones to the ribs to free himself. He pops out and starts throwing bombs. Elbows to the head followed by a roaring elbow and Petey is stuck in the corner. Justin leaps up. VIDA INFR…NO! Petey blocks it again. Justin wriggles free…SUNSET FLIP~!…..2.9! Justin almost stole one there. Petey is up first. He’s measuring the True Face…REAR NAKED CHOKE! NO! Justin slips out. BACKDROP DRIIIIIIIIVAH~! I don’t know how Justin got Esdee up. He just deadlifted him and deposited him on his head...awkwardly Both men are down, but a huge bomb from the True Face got him back into this match.
Justin staggers to his feet first and measures Petey for a skeetboard. But the soldier ducks and, as Justin tries to regain his balance, levels his opponent with a spear. Justin is damn near broken in two! Petey covers…..2.9! Justin gets a shoulder up! PTSD sets Justin for his rolling DDT. He calls it TRAUMA~!. NO! Justin twists out…VMA! Justin with his whippersnapper out of nowhere! He covers….PTSD KICKS OUT! Oh so close! Justin is up….VIDA INFRA~! PTSD lands facefirst on Justin’s knees. The True Face is measuring him for his 35th signature move (roughly)…THE SOLD OUT SLAM….He’s got Petey up….NO! PETEY COUNTERS WITH THE TRAUMA! Justin is down and out. Petey is down and out. Ref Tuss makes the count again…PTSD is up at 7…Justin just barely beats the count at nine…Petey grabs a double leg and drops Justin to the canvas.... He’s looking for the STRESS DISORDER~! NO! Justin hooks him in a SMALL PACKAGE! THREE COUNT! JUSTIN GRABS VICTORY FROM THE JAWS OF DEFEAT!
WINNER: JUSTIN EVITABLE (10:24: Small Package)
Wow, about as much action as you will see in a ten minute match. PTSD is one scary dude, and this is twice now that he has just fell short. When he puts it all together, he may be a nightmare for MBE. Justin sneaks one out, but takes a TREMENDOUS ****kicking in the process. And now he takes some more as PTSD slams Justin into the corner as the True Face celebrates and then drops him with a BIG TIME German Suplex. He starts to follow up, but stops and begins to laugh..it’s a full-on guffaw now. PTSD drops and rolls out of the ring, not looking back as the Thai Hooker Brigade comes to check on Justin.
Mac and Juen walk out of the trainer’s room. Juen’s head is taped up and his arm is in a sling. Mac is complaining that Juen isn’t medically cleared to wrestle now. What kind of prissy little docs is MBE employing now, anyhow? Juen is just happy to be not bleeding and on the morphine. So that explains how Doc is able to function every week. They can’t expect Mac to go it alone against two men, that’s not sporting at all. But he can’t let them cancel the match. The fans expect, nay demand, the Lot to show up and give it their all for Queen, Country, and Wednesday. This is quite a dilemma, whatever will they do?
THE CHAMP* SPEAKS
Taylor O’Halloran is here for another sitdown with the World Champion Promo. Uhh, okay, I’ll bite. Let’s see what Promo’s Ministry of Information has for us this week. Taylor says the internet is in an uproar over Promo calling himself the World Champion of MBE, what does he have to say about that? Promo says first off, the internet is full of nothing but fat wannabe wrestlers who wouldn’t lat two minutes in the ring with a man of his caliber. I’m rather svelt, thank you, though I do occasionally wear a Dr. Wagner, Jr. maske to parties. Secondly, they don’t even understand the basic rules of wrestling. Doc should have been disqualified for his nefarious low blow on Promo last week. It is nothing more than a travesty of justice that the incompetent Lance Thunder didn’t call for the bell right there and then. Obviouslym, the senior MBE official has a vendetta against him. He already has a lawyer working on a lawsuit to get the official result changed to a DQ victory for Promo, who, as we all know is the still undefeated World Champ of MBE. So, taking the belt was just a mere formality until he formally gets a legal injunction against MBE. Taylor says that some would say the ref’s decision should be final. Promo says obviously they have never seen Ref Thunder in action. They both laugh. Luis Bunuel would think this is too surreal for words. Taylor starts to ask him about his match with Doc at Total Elimination when ROBOYORI breaks through the back wall of the interview room. Promo is outraged at the sexbot’s disregard for his privacy, but The sexbot removes his head to reveal it is just Yori dressed up as the sexbot. Okay, now it is officially too surreal for words. He informs Promo that the sexbot will be in the shop for another couple weeks as they upgrade his Fux Capacitor. Nice. He just came by to tell Promo there is no way he is springing for a personal interviewer, no matter how nice she would look hanging upside down from the YORI BRAND FLYING DUTCHMAN LOVE SWING. Taylor points out that it wouldn’t be that difficult to add Yori’s name to her pending sexual harassment lawsuit against MBE. Yori says it was just a misunderstanding. Justin didn’t mean anything by it. Taylor says he came up to her pantsless and tried to interview her, asking her to speak into his ‘microphone.’ That doesn’t sound like…no, that sounds exactly like Justin. Yori sighs and says he can’t very well fire her while she’s suing him. He’s learned THAT the hard way. But he’s gonna put her to work, so he tells her to go backstage and interview Johnny Onan. She leaves in a huff and Promo asks why Yori is dressed up like the sexbot anyway. Yori says it’s dress like your favorite robot day at the office. Perfectly logical.
I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S NOT BUTTER
Juen and Mac wander around the back dragging Butter Nate MacNally and the bag of Hillsborough dirt around on a Radio Flyer painted blue and white. I am not making this up. Juen comments that they should have gone on myspace or something and found out what Frankie Scott looked like before they wandered around the back looking for him so they can make him an ‘offer’ to bow out of their tag match this week. Mac wants to know what myspace is. Juen tries to explain as Frankie Scott, coincidentally, comes up to introduce himself to the Lot and wish them good luck in their match tonight. Mac and Juen ask him what his name was again. He says he’s the Phrenomenal Frankie Scott. The Lot stare at each other, blink a few times and attack. Juen throws a handful of Nate’s torso into Frankie’s eyes, blinding him. Mac commences with the beating. Frankie stumbles around blindly. He fires off a righ hand but just ends up elbow deep in Butter Nate’s crotch…awkward. While stuck, Mac takes the opportunity to CRUSH Scott with a handy dandy folding chair. Frankie slides out of Butter Nate and onto the ground. Chanting commences and it’s the SHEFFIELD STOMP, but JEFF HAWKINS arrives to break up the beatdown and the Lot retreat with a battered Butter Nate in tow. Hawkins continues his pursuit.
MAC FORREST v. ‘WILD CARD’ JEFF HAWKINS
The Lot retreat towards ringside as Hawkins chases them down the ramp. Juen grabs the bag of pitch and charges at Wild Card, but the Texan ducks and dumps poor Juen on the ramp with a Northern Lights Suplex. Mac uses this opening to knock Hawkins down with a dropkick (?!) and drags him into the ring as Ref Yakamo rushes down to ringside to start the match and Vinman sits at ringside with a copy of Reader’s Digest. Mac whips Hawkins off the ropes and catches him with an inverted atomic drop, followed by a big headbutt to put Wild Card on the canvas. Hmm, the stage lights are starting to melt Butter Nate. Mac whiffs on an elbow drop and Hawkins is up and starts in with some knife edge chops. Mac reverses an irish whip but eats a leg lariat for his trouble. Bulldog follows and gets a two count for the Wild Card. Hawkins goes for a Hangman’s neckbreaker, but Mac spins out and shoves the Texan into the ropes where he meets the bag of pitch, swung by Juen Lee. He stumbles back into Mac who reaches deep into his bag of tricks for a belly to back suplex. He goes back to basics now, drooping Hawkins over the bottom rope and choking him.
Mac notices now that Nate is melting into a pile of goo and yells at Juen to do something about it…Juen tries to fix Nate’s face and ends up popping his head off…whoops. That distracts Mac long enough for Hawkins to catch him with a Snap DDT. Hawkins recovers and starts up his rolling vertical suplex. Till helps me out and says he calls them “Ace’s Wild.” Christ, I hope he never wrestles Doc as I’ll never be able to keep straight whose move is whose. Wild Card floats into a pin after suplex #3 and gets two and a half out of it. Wild Card heads up to the high rent district. Juen is on the scene now and clutches at Hawkins with his good leg. The Wild Card kicks him off but the distraction gives Mac time to dodge Hawkins’ Lone Star Jam. Mac is up to his feet and calling for the Sheffield Stomp, but Hawkins kips up out of nowhere and CRUSHES Mac with a superkick. Oh well. Hawkins hoists Mac up…HANGMAN’S NECKBREAKER!…2.9! Hawkins is signaling for the BLACKJACK~! Thanks again, Till…MAC TWISTS OUT! He grabs a waist lock as Juen jumps up on the apron with Butter Nate’s head. Mac tries to shove Hawkins towards Juen, but the wily Texan gets a standing switch and sends Mac headfirst into the buttery bust of his tag partner. Juen gets knocked to the mats as Mac tries to clear the butter out of his eyes…He wanders back towards Hawkins…BLACKJACK~! MAC IS OUT! Put it in the books!
WINNER: ‘WILD CARD’ JEFF HAWKINS (5:45: Blackjack)
I really can’t say much more about that match then isn’t already there. Hawkins looks promising, though he has a reputation as a bit of a flake. I’d like to see more of him in a non-butter intensive match, though. Just keep him away from Doc for my recapping sanity. It’ll be worse than win Jock McCrunk wrestled Jake McCody.
THE ITAL…I MEAN ULTIMATE ITALIAN ADONIS SPEAKS
Taylor O’Halloran is perturbed…and is backstage with Johnny Onan…the Italian Adonis. He has some sort of match tonight with Duke Mason…She’s furiously checking her notes. Onan comments that he doesn’t know how she got this job, if she isn’t going to do any basic research, or maybe she is just mesmerized by his good looks. The lawsuits just keep on coming. She points out that she has a degree in broadcast journalism from Colombia, and he is just a big greasy lunkhead. Onan says that for the last time, he isn’t actually Italian, he just lived their while he was an international supermodel. Much like Duke Mason isn’t actually a wrestler as far as he can tell, he just shows up between tours or acid bong hits or whatever it is he actually does. He is kind of confused on that point, but no matter, because he will be no match for the Ultimate Adonis. Yes, the Ultimate Italian Adonis, whatever. Onan notes that she seems rather annoyed to be in his company, most women would be thrilled to be within a telescopic distance of his magnificent physique. O’Halloran says he better not try anything, or else Promo will get him good. Onan doesn’t know who this Promo fellow is (ouch) but she’s not really his type anyway. She’s a 7, maybe a 7.5, and you know he only dates perfect tens, or the occasional nine if he’s had a few. Haven’t we all, Johnny? Taylor is really annoyed now and tells him she hopes Duke kicks his ass, and then Promo scrapes up the remains. Onan really wants to know who this Promo fellow is, but no matter, soon he will add another title to his name. Not only will he be the Ultimate Adonis, but he will also be the Lord of the Boards.
TAKE YOUR ROBOT TO WORK DAY
Promo is in his locker room, on the phone with his agent. The sex robot shaped hole in the wall has been shoddily covered by yellow caution tape. Promo is complaining about Yori’s treatment of him and wants to know if EPW has called him back yet. They haven’t? Oh well. He tells his agent to stay on it, and see if he can get him a gig throwing out the first pitch at a Yankees game when they are in the city for Total Elimination. He wants to show off his title. And “ROBOYORI” is back now, putting another hole in the wall right next to the previous one. Promo is pissed and tells Yori to get out of his locker room, and that he is paying to fix all the damage. YoriBot just starts dancing. Promo starts to shove him out the hole in the wall when he removes his head and CRACKS the Undergound Icon with it…It’s DOC! In the sexbot costume! How the mighty have fallen. He wants to know where his belt is, *****! Promo staggers into the cracked dry wall and Doc SPEARS him through the wall and out into the hallway. He is laying in the punishment, kicking the crap out of Promo with his robot feet but Promo isn’t saying anything. He makes ANOTHER hole in the locker room as he tosses Promo back through the wall. You know, they just renovated this place. Doc goes downstairs and DESTROYS Promo with an ACE’S FULL STUNNER THROUGH THE DECORATIVE COFFEE TABLE~! Doc adds a couple parting kicks and then catches a look at himself in the mirror as he leaves. He comments on how low he will stoop just to stay relevant. Well, he better get this costume back to Yori before he realizes that stripper he traded for it is just Greenie in drag. That’s…just…yeeeeah. He hopes J-Rob is doing his part. He gets a quick answer as Bryan Storms comes flying into view and crashes into a craft’s service table, bleeding as Jeffrey Roberts dives in after him with a shard of wood in his hand. He starts carving up Storms some more and licks the blood off the wood. Uh, careful, or you will get a splinter. He starts choking Roberts with some electrical wire as security finally arrives to break it up. Well, so much for our tag match.
LOTB 1st ROUND MATCH: “THE ULTIMATE ITALIAN ADONIS” JOHNNY ONAN v. “DANGEROUS” DUKE MASON
Time four our main event of the evening, I guess, as Senior Referee Lance Thunder is on the scene to preside over the proceedings. Odd choice for a main, in a way, but the brass is high on both of these competitors. I’d be high on Onan just for giving us a week without the sexbot. Well, sort of. Mason is out first and his introduction makes me feel like I am on acid. All that’s missing are the dancing pink squirrels. I’d ask where Yori finds these guys, but I think I answered my own question already. Quaaludes are a hell of a drug. Onan is out next and The Ultimate Italian Adonis cuts quite a figure on the rampway. I liked him better when he was using Right Said Fred as his theme, though. Onan steps through the ropes and amazingly neither man attacks the other. Vinny actually has to do some work tonight. We get the introductions out of the way, and our main event commences.
Collar and elbow and Onan overpowers Mason, driving him back into the ropes. Ref Thunder calls for a break and Onan complies, wiping some sweat off his brow and flicking it onto Mason. The Acidstar is not a big fan of that, and takes a swing at Onan as the model backs off. Collar and elbow again, and this time Mason spins Onan around at the last second and backs him into the corner. He gives a clean break but throws in an air guitar solo. Crowd likes that one. Collar and elbow once more. Onan bulls Mason into the corner and really works the five count from Thunder. He brea…nope, there’s the cheap shot to the throat. Mason is caught off guard. I’d like to see Onan bust that one out on the catwalk. Irish whip and Mason hits the far buckles. Onan charges and Mason dodges Onan stops short and we have a criss cross going. Onan goes for a bulldog, but gets shoved off by Mason and the Ultimate Adonis is rudely deposited on the mat. Onan is quick to his feet, but his ego and rear are both a little bruised.
Knuckleock and Onan gets the better of the test of strength. Really, you’d have to be high to try a test of strength with…oh, never mind. Onan throws some short knees from the knucklelock and sweeps Mason’s legs. He pulls Mason back up and onto his shoulder. He carries him to the corner where he deposits the Acidstar against the buckles and drives some shoulder blocks into his abdomen. Some choking with the forearm gets Ref Thunder involved and he forces a break. Onan is unimpressed and adds some stomps. He picks Mason up out of the corner and presses him over head. He does a few reps, but Mason slips out and lands behind the former model. Onan turns right into an enzuigiri. That knocks the Adonis for a loop and a spinning neckbreaker puts him on the canvas. Mason bounds off the ropes, but Onan pops up and catches him with a sweet turning powerslam. That gets two.
Onan yanks Duke up by the hair and brings some clubbing forearms down on the back of his neck. He drags Mason to the ropes and drapes him over the middle rope before putting his boot right on the back of Mason’s head and choking the Acidstar. He works a few of Ref Thunder’s five counts before giving up. Military press again, and he drops the Acidstar rib first across his knee. Onan flops him over and goes for a pin, but only gets two again. Onan works a head scissors now, though his legs aren’t as impressive as his arms. Gotta hit the Squat machine a little more there, Johnny. Duke works his way up to his feet, but still finds his neck entwined in Onan’s thighs. He manages to stretch his back leg to the ropes to force a break. Mason staggers back against the ropes and tries to catch his breath as Onan rises. Onan charges in, but Mason ducks a lariat and dumps Onan out onto the floor. Mason is measuring him up….SPRINGBOARD PLANCHA~! He crushes Onan and the two splay out on the mats. Some nice air on that dive from the Duke. Duke wanders around ringside trying to get his bearings, but both men find their way back into the ring before Lance reaches the end of his ten count.
Back in the ring, Mason lays into Onan with alternating knife-edge chops and right jabs as the Ultimate Adonis reels. Irish whip and Onan runs right into a Huricanrana. Mason busts out the BUDDHABOMB….and only gets two. He drags Onan to the corner and the Acidstar hops up top, he could be looks for his Tornado DUI….but Onan tosses him off in midair. Onan ducks another enzuigiri and drops Mason with a double arm suplex. He signals for the Headlock from Hell, but Mason avoids it and tosses Onan to the mat with a crisp belly to back throw. He’s got Onan’s legs tied up. He turns him over for a sharpshooter and rocks a SOLO~! On air guitar, using Onan’s legs as the axe. Quite nice. Onan is screaming in pain, but he is too close to the ropes and manages to force a break fairly quickly. Fisherman’s Buster puts Onan down on the canvas and the Acidfrog heads up top…A little air guitar and Mason leaps off for the ACID STAR PRESS~! ONAN ROLLS OUT OF THE WAY! Mason slams onto the canvas and he is in a world of hurt. He must have bounced a clear foot and a half off the mat.
Onan is first to his feet. He hoists Mason up for a big time hanging vertical suplex. Onan rolls over into a cover, but only gets two. He works over Mason with a neck vise, obviously thinking about his hellish headlock. Mason powers out and elbows free, but Onan responds with some short knees and a gut wrench suplex. He covers…2.65! Or thereabouts. The Ultimate Italian Adonis is not happy about that two (point six five) count and let’s Thunder know about it. He drags Mason up by his hair, and the Acidfrog starts throwing some body shots to back him off. Onan sends Mason back down with a knee to the head and quickly looks for his bombs away knee drop….NOTHING BUT CANVAS! Onan clutches his well-muscled leg as Mason rolls to his feet. He does a little juke and jig and looks for the TRACER~! But Onan dodges the sidekick and hits a bulldog out of nowhere. HE’S NOT LETTING OKAY! IT’S THE HEADLOCK FROM HELL~! Mason is stuck in the middle of the ring and on the mat. Onan is twisting his head and torquing it back. No man can stand the pressure of the Adonis’s arms. Yep, Mason is tapping. Onan moves on.
WINNER: JOHNNY ONAN (13:35: Headlock from Hell)
Onan continues his winning ways in MBE taking down the Acidfrog. Tough match-up for the newcomer. So it will be Jeff Roberts versus General Mayhem and Justin Evitable versus Johnny Onan at WNW in YOUR LOTB semifinals. And speaking of J-Rob, here he comes down to ringside, covered in…someone’s…blood. Your guess is as good as mine. He hops the ropes and jumps the celebrating Onan from behind. He stomps the Adonis and when Mason gets up and comes to help, the Duke gets tossed outside to the floor. Roberts gets Onan up….LYGER BOMBAAAHHH! Justin Evitable is coming out now to make the save, and he and Roberts are going at it. Justin gets the better of the exchange, but Roberts goes to the eyes, and then downstairs to stop that. LYGER BOMBAAAHHH for The True Face. Roberts gets on the mic and asks if anyone else wants to come out and be a hero. No response from the back. Good. He’s cutting a path of blood through MBE, and no one is gonna stand in his way, least of all these other fools in this tournament. He produces a sickle from his tights and carves up Justin’s back, carving “Kilroy Wuz Here” into it in blood as Justin screams in agony. This is a sick, sick man, folks. Stay out of his way. Beware of J-Rob. Till and Phantasmo are both a little freaked out and we go off the air with an eerie silence in the arena.
Meh. Everything on the show was pretty solid, but it just didn’t kick my ass like TIN HAT! Nothing really stood out as great, and there was actually deceptively little wrestling on the show. I can’t be the only one tired of all the bait and switches around Promo that have marked this version of MBE either. Total Elimination may be put up or shut up time for the Underground Icon. Anyway, solid, but unspectacular show with a weird ending. At least Mayhem had the sense to stay the hell out of Roberts way. If I’m Doc, I look into finding a new tag partner. But if I was Doc, I would be bleeding right now for no reason, too. Be back tomorrow with notes, ratings analysis and Rewind Rewards on the blog. Until then, this is Burke, signing off.