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The Heir Apparent

GreggG

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(CUT TO: A figure with his back turned to the camera, only revealing the back of a leather pleated coat adorned with an array of knuckle-sized diamonds and swishy black track pants. The first thing noticed when this figure turns around is his hair -- brown hair tinted with lighter shades of blonde both gelled and blow-dried into a high-top/faux-hawk combination, with the left side having a line shaved at the scalp line. In his left ear is yet another diamond stud. He has a large rope-style gold necklace. And, of course, he's shirtless, showing off his bronzed tanning salon skin. He points at the camera with both hands before clasping hands together as if he's in prayer before making a "kissyface" posture with his lips.)

JOHNNY: "You no doubt know who I am. I would tell you all that I am already the biggest name in professional wrestling today, just a few short weeks after making his UWA debut. But me? I'm not a name. No. I'm a BRAND. I'm an IMAGE. I'm a person who is so good looking, who is so cutting edge, who is so great at what he does that corporations and products will do ANYTHING to have me associated with their products... As long as they can pay the price. Calvin Klein? You think the elastic of your new line of boxer briefs would look good pinching right underneath the lower set of my rippling waterfall-esque abs? Yes, they would. But ANYTHING would. That's why you, CK, have to write me a check. Apple, you want me to hold one of your phones when the mobs of photographers are in the parking garage waiting for me to get in my Bentley? Call my agent, and he'll tell you what YOU need to know. That is, if you can even get him on the line. Because you're just like everyone else -- another person or product hoping to climb on the back of yours truly... The HEIR APPARENT Johnny Hansen."

(Hansen flips his jacket.)

JOHNNY: "If you haven't read Variety or the other trades... if your little sister hasn't filled you in... I'll tell you who I am. Just a few months ago, I was just some no-named kid in a low-rent wrestling league back in his hometown of Thunder Bay, Ontario. But my videos caught the eye of a few important people, one of whom brought it to the attention of Anne Mystic -- yes, THAT Anne Mystic. And, since she has a vagina, she liked what she saw. I mean, how can you not? I'm the reason atheists find faith. So she signed me up and I did just a few weeks in UWA. And it was clear from the first second I stepped foot in that promotion that I was destined not just for greatness... but for EVERYTHING. Within seconds of my first match ending, the biggest bidding war among sports and entertainment agents ever erupted. I inked a deal with William Morris. And in no time, I am guaranteeing you that I'll be starring in blockbuster productions as I strut down the red carpet in Hollywood."

(Hansen chuckles.)

JOHNNY: "You may have just noticed something. I'm already talking about HOLLYWOOD. I'm not talking about New Frontier Wrestling. I'm not talking about winning World Championships. Why not? Because I don't set my bars low. I'm good at wrestling. Hell, I'm not even 22-years-old and I'm already in the big leagues. I can beat any man alive in any type of wrestling match. Getting a wrestling championship will put me on magazine titles. It will put me in television commercials. It will get my foot in the door of where I truly belong. But don't worry. I won't forget you, the little people, when I'm gone. I'll even make sure I sign you an autograph if you ask nicely."

(Hansen makes his "kissyface" pout before turning his back to the camera. FTB.)
 

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