The Epitome

[GreggG]

(CUT TO: Troy Windham, in the back of his stretch HumVee, looking like the lost member of The Who-- mod haircut, dark shades, jean jacket and a STROKES WORLD TOUR T.)

TROY: Never let it be said that I don't constantly impress myself.

There's a lot of things that people as gifted as me are born knowing. I knew from Day 1 how to charm the panties off of a girl. I knew from Day 1 how to get what I want from people. I knew from Day 1 that I was born into greatness and that I was meant to be rich, famous and powerful.

Most importantly, I knew from Day 1 that I would never, ever come out in front of millions of people and utter a string of obscenities, since that would just be embarrassing.

It's truly an inspirational story, how the world champion of this middling promotion combines the autism of Rainman-era Dustin Hoffman and the basic, flat-out dumb mental retardation of Corky from Life Goes On.

But seriously, *REAL* icons and *REAL* world champions wouldn't come out here on national television speaking like they're some trailer trash 8th grade girl outside an Eminem concert.

Miller-- I'm giving you a free lesson. This (Troy points to his face with "double thumbs.") is what a REAL man looks like. This is how a REAL icon in this sport acts. I'm Troy Windham-- The Epitome. Constantly cool, constantly collected and always, absolutely always, one-up on the competition.

I'm deeply sorry, Miller, that your promoter had to ask Mr. CSWA for help in selling some tickets and pay-per-views, that he did not have the faith in your ability as this company's top dog. I'm deeply sorry, Miller, that no one any longer cares about your... (Troy shakes his head in disbelief) "main event" match against Boogie Smalls. I'm deeply sorry that I came out on national television and said that I was going to slap you across the face and then take the GXW World Title and give it away to some common homeless person. I'm deeply sorry that I came out here and stole the show.

But I had to prove a point. A *REAL* icon wouldn't let that happen. A *REAL* icon wouldn't consistently embarrass himself in a national forum. A *REAL* icon knows how to dress, how to act and... most importantly... knows how to talk beyond mono-syllabic curse words.

John Miller, I just had to teach you, the GXW and the entire wrestling industry a lesson. You're a nobody. Me... Troy Windham... the greatest this sport has ever seen. And at Battleground Britain... YOUR company's pay-per-view... I'm going to show the entire world what a *REAL* icon is.

Now excuse me. I'm gonna go have me some sex. Some *ROUGH* sex. (FTB)

 

[JABolich]

(FADEIN: Road agent JIM HOSSELHOFF sitting at his desk, wearing his beat-up old Oakland A's cap.)

Hosselhoff: Now I don't usually get involved with altercations between the boys, but I think there's something here that I need to set straight.

Let me tell you something, Troy Windham. We here at GXW invited you to take part in Battleground Britain as a courtesy. But you being here is a privilege, not a right. If you don't want to be here, Troy, that's fine - we're more than happy to send you home and call up someone else.

If you want to stay here and perform on our Pay-Per-View, that's great. In spite of your bad attitude, I know you're a hoss. But if you're going to come out on national television and tape a bunch of vignettes running GXW into the ground, we've got issues, especially considering that you're speaking from the perspective of a man representing a promotion which puts out approximately two televised events a year.

I've been working in this business for many years, and I can honestly say that I've never seen a group of talented, motivated hosses like we've got in GXW. Everyone in our locker room is here because they want to be here and because they've got the talent to carry this promotion. That especially extends to our World Champion, John Miller. According to the statistics put out by Nielson, GXW's ratings are skyrocketing to a level where they're running at least neck-and-neck with what the CSWA is putting on the air. According to any number of critics, John's title reign has seen more four- and five-star matches than any in recent memory. As far as I'm concerned, you have no grounds to doubt his ability or status.

If you're really such a big star, Windham, you'd challenge someone on the GXW roster to a match instead of running your mouth about things you have no idea about. Then again, our boys would send you packing, so I can see why you're hiding behind vignettes.

Do yourself a favor. Either put your money where your mouth is, or shut up and go home. We don't want you here if all you're going to do is try to run us down. Maybe the fans WOULD be disappointed, but there are plenty of other hosses out there to fill the small hole you'd leave. Regardless of what you might think, you are not indispensable to GXW.

That's all I've got to say.

(FADEOUT)

 

[GreggG]

Having Sex WIth Four Girls At Once

(CUT TO: Troy Windham, in the back of his stretch HumVee. He's wearing black shades, has a new mod haircut, a SHINS T-Shirt, jean jacket-- looking like he's reforming The Small Faces.)

TROY: So, I guess I'm right, huh? The World Champion of this promotion -- a man who dares call himself an icon-- can't hold his own and go mano y mano with the best this sport has to offer.

I mean, why else would the world champion have to hide behind a hired mouthpiece? It's because each and every single person in the GXW... and each and every single person sitting at home, watching this... KNOWS that what I say is the truth. Yours truly, The Epitome of Wrestling, is the greatest of all time. And YOUR champion, John Miller, is nothing more than a midget who can't come up with a coherent thought, who has been calling himself a word only reserved for the true greats-- such as myself-- while competing against played out goths, smalltown farmboys, Playboys Incorporate wanna-be executives, cast-offs from the big leagues and fake rap-star comedy wrestlers.

You'll pardon me, 'Hoooooossssss.' (Troy smirks, after saying 'Hoss' like he's honking a horn.) I'm sorry if I don't believe you when you say that John Miller, the fake icon, the paper champion, has been in high-level epic matchups, 'Hoss.' I'm sorry if I don't believe that Miller... the man who is the best this promotion has to offer... is a few leagues beneath the status of a true in-ring legend, a true champion... a true icon.

Y'see, 'Hoss'-- you can come out here and act a fool, but we all know better. For years, people from your league have been jumping ship to sign the big contract with the CSWA, 'Hoss.' For years, we've seen an untold amount of "hot young talent" from your league jump to the CSWA and find themselves unable to get the job done. Why, I had three GXW goons jump me from behind and cut my hair, 'Hoss.,' since I'm Mr. CSWA. I still think they cashed the paycheck they got from Uncle Chad, despite their hatred for the promotion.

You want an update for the hotline, 'Hoss?' Here's a free scoop for you-- your champion, the fake icon... guess whose banner he's going to be wrestling under in a few weeks? Guess whose favorite uncle is going to be signing his check, 'Hoss?'

Why is that, 'Hoss?' I think we know the reason. It's because no matter how big the GXW gets... this promotion will ALWAYS be considered minor league. The fans, when they tune in to the TV station, when they go the the webpage... the first thing they see and the first thing that they look for is an update about the company that I represent.

Let's be honest, 'Hoss.' I wasn't invited to take part of this Pay-Per-View as a courtesy. Pro wrestling isn't a birthday party, 'Hoss.' Pro wrestling isn't a wedding, 'Hoss.' It's a business. And the reason why the GXW brass wanted to book Shane and Troy versus The Pro's is simple-- because they knew that the GXW is minor league. They wanted the rub from this sport's REAL stars, from this sport's REAL icons. They knew that not one person would tune in to see your fake icon, potty-mouthed, immature world champion defend his title against a guy who wakes up every morning lucky that he's not back at SuperMart pumping gas and selling beef jerkey to meth-addicted truck drivers.

They knew that, 'Hoss.' But there's one thing that they did not know, 'Hoss.'

They did not take into consideration that Troy Windham, the King of All Wrestling, is not a man who plays his part. They thought I would be content to cash in my check, show up, sign a few autographs for GXW roster members, and go home.

They were wrong, 'Hoss.' The Boy Troy isn't here to do that. The Boy Troy is here, right now, telling you all like it really is. This promotion opened up Pandora's Box, asking me to come to one of their shows. Because every chance I get... I steal the show.

I started off in this industry with everyone expecting me to be the nice, wholesome younger brother of the beloved hero Mark Windham-- the next in line to follow the heritage. Guess what? I didn't want to wait in line, and I came out on national television and spit on that. I told the world what I wanted-- money, girls, cars, fame. I told the world that I didn't care about this sport, that I was using it and my last name to make myself an international sex symbol.

Guess what, 'Hoss?' I did just that-- and then some. Ask my brother. Ask Hornet. Ask Eli Flair. Ask Eddy Love. Ask Kevin Powers. Ask Dan Ryan. ASK ANYONE WHO HAS EVER SEEN ME IN ACTION, 'Hoss.' They'll all tell you the same thing.

Troy Windham... he says what he's going to do... and then he goes out and does it. That's the Gospel, 'Hoss.'

As far as your little remarks about me challenging someone on your roster... (Troy laughs, rubbing his hands.) well, that would be all fine and dandy, but I don't think this promotion could afford my rates to have me come in and make The Muffin Man, Christian Sands or whoever else eat The SlackKnife.

I've got a challenge of my own, 'Hoss.' How about you go find someone on your little roster... besides that little retarded boy in the skullcap you call a champion, we already know he's no match for me... and tell them to come and *MAKE ME* shut my mouth.

I'm going on 10 years in this sport, 'Hoss.' No one's been able to do it yet. I don't think that anyone from this league... the dredge of the sport that *I MADE POPULAR* has what it takes.

And that's all that *I* have to say, 'Hoss.' (Troy sits back, calm and cool as always. FTB)