The Archer & Orensen Podcast w/Duke Williams (Call in's welcome)

[Duke Williams]

The following is a transcript from Chicago based podcast the 'Al Archer and Clark Orensen show'. Their guest this week was wrestling Legend "The Malice Man" Duke Williams.

Al Archer: Wow. I'm excited to get our next guest on the phone line he is one of my favorite wrestlers of the 90's and the zero years, a multiply fed hall of fame member, a classic wrestling commentator, a proud wrestling dad, he is the Malice Man from Missoula Montana, the great Duke Williams. Duke how are you?

Duke Williams: *intangible audio*

Clark Orensen: Hang on here, I'm having an issue.

Al Archer: I know, the phone is such a hard thing to figure out. You got it?

Clark: Just keep talking, hang on here. Let me try plugging the white wire in the red slot.

Al: For Gods sake this is a wrestling legend and we're sounding like the east coast PW torch pod cast. Hot garbage.

Clark: Just hang on.

Al: Sooo, ah, the Bears, had a good draft, I mean this White kid seems decent.

Clark: What does it matter if he's white?

Al: It doesn't it's his name.

Clark: All I care is that he's a winner.

Al: You're a Cubs fan what do you know about winning?

Clark: Oh please. Ok, I think we got him.?! Duke are you there?

Duke Williams: Well hello there!

Al: Yes!! Yes!! Yes!! Duke how are you it's been a long time since I've heard your voice in my head how are you?

Duke: Well hell, if shit keeps sliding out my asshole I reckon I can't complain.

Clark: Ha! Well the reason we're having you on this week is there have been rumors, quite frankly, that you're broke and might be in for one more pay day?

Duke: Well listen, I found Draftkings.com a few years ago and let's just say the ball didn't bounce the ole Malice Man's way. Plus I drank a lot, snorted some, drank some more, dropped acid lost in the desert a time or two, had a walk with Jesus once or twice, ate some pussy, gone on a diet, found Jesus, found Doritos tacos, got herpes, lost my figure, found a new wife, lost Jesus in the desert on acid, lost the new wife and half my stuff, found a new wife, lost her and the other half of my stuff, and well done just about everything and anything I've wanted at a heavy cost. But yes money is tight, but I live a humble life.

Clark: You stay active still running the Malice School of Wrestling in Montana?

Duke: Great group of kids and yea it's fun as hell but honestly more than the cash I'm just getting bored. I know I'm not the man I once was or the body that used to be but Hoss I still have the heart of a champion and I want one more run. One more CHANCE. Let's get whiskey bent and hell bound one more time.

Al: Let's open the phone lines....

 

[SkyMont]

Clark: We have on the line a mister “Suicidal” Sky-Lar? Montgomery. Interesting name.

Al: Caller!

SkyMont: YEAH IT’S ME, SUICIDAL SKYLAR MONTGOMERY~!

Al: Who?

SkyMont: OH MY GOD WHY ARE YOU LYING!? OF COURSE YOU KNOW WHO I AM, EVERYONE KNOWS WHO I AM! IT’S ME; THE BI-POLAR, BOTCHAMANIAC, BRITISH, BAD-ARSE, HARDCORE, INTERNET CULT ICON… SKYMONT~! *glass smashes* HAHAHAHAHA, I JUST BROKE A LIGHTUBE OVER MY HEAD!

Clark: Jesus Christ is this guy off his meds or something?

SkyMont: Yes. Yes I am.

Al: Ok, well if you’re so suicidal why don’t you just hurry up and die already?

SkyMont: You’d like that wouldn’t you! The whole professional wrestling industry at large would love it if The SkyMonster actually just shut up and died for once. BUT HE WON’T! The SkyMonster just keeps making comebacks, looking better than ever and making you feel bummed out about it like your ex-girlfriend. I’m public enemy number one. Planet earth’s most hated. I’ve been blackballed from every fed I’ve ever been in, and even some I haven’t. HOW – yep. RLW – yep. UTA – Yep. Even DEFIANCE won’t touch me and I’ve never even worked there! And so I’m forced to go on the road and work a GRUELLING schedule in these ruthless, stiff indy feds! And I put my body on the line with a moveset DEFIANCE scouts said was too high-impact, too SUICIDAL. The actual quote was ‘every move I do is a finisher’, which is true. None of my moves involve me keeping both feet on the canvas; I throw myself off ladders, through tables and onto chairs just to inflict the maximum amount of pain on my opponent. And you, whateveryournameis, you say you want SkyMont to die young?

Al: No those weren’t my exact wor--

SkyMont: Everybody’s talking about how they expect The SkyMonster to die young because of his self-destructive, masochistic lifestyle. Everyone keeps talking about how SkyMont is gonna join the 27 club with Amy Winehouse and Kurt Cobaine.

Al: I haven’t heard ANYONE talking about that.

Clark: Me neither.

SkyMont: WELL I’VE HEARD THEM, OK!

Al: DO YOU ACTUALLY HAVE A POINT HERE OF HAVE YOU JUST CALLED IN TO TALK ABOUT HOW SAD YOU ARE!?

Clark: Ok! Do you have a question for Duke Williams, at least?? Did you call in with anything to say to Duke?

SkyMont: Yes, I do I have something to say to The Malice Man; I CHALLENGE YOU TO A MATCH ON HASHTAG OPENPROMO~! Because I don’t care if people say I’m gonna die young to taunt me. I WANT to die young, why do you think I call myself ‘suicidal’. And you know why I want to die young? Because I never want to grow up and become a person like you, Duke Williams; A dinosaur. You may be in a handful of feds’ halls of fame, but I’m in a handful of feds’ halls of shame. So if you accept my challenge I’m gonna make an example of you here in OpenPromo and you’re gonna be the first in a long line of veterans I shut up and make eat their words about me until I finally get a deal with a decent paycheck.

Al: Ha, like that’s gonna happen.

Clark: Ok, Skylar well those were some fighting words, let’s see what The Malice Man has to say about that on line one…

 

[Megastory4]

Al: Hold that thought, Clark, cause we have a caller from the 8-1-5 area code. 8-1-5, state your name.

"815:" Call me Emevlas. I have a few words for resident bitch Skylar Montgomery. Remember me, Skymont? I'm the lady who personally drove you through a table that gave you a Grade 3A concussion. I'm the one who effortlessly, EFFORTLESSLY knocked you off the Red Line. The nameless sheep over at Defiance looked at your medical records and decided that you were a pathetic, fragile shell of a man who's shit at entertaining the masses... something I've been doing way too well since 1999.

Al: That's great, do you have anything to say to Duke Williams?

Emevlas: ...Hi, Duke. Nice to make your aquaintance. Anyway, back to Sky-miffed the poor sod. You weren't blackballed from RLW, but rather sent out in a hospital gurney, like I said I'd do to your bitch-ass. Your time in Chicago ended in suicide, and it's not gotten better from how the poor insolents at Defiance denied you because you were deemed unreliable and fragile. YOU COULDN'T EVEN GO THROUGH A TABLE without suffering an injury. I've went through 4 flaming tables at once on multiple occasions, and walked away as if nothing happened to me. If I did that to you at Slamtrack 6, you wouldn't be here, and your little nickname would be incorrect, because THAT wouldn't have been suicide, but rather first degree murder. I'd be in the city jail.

Clark: Ma'am, calm down. Skylar is not the subject of these call ins.

Emevlas: I couldn't give less of a shit, I'm not done. Squeal-mont, I'm glad you want to die young. It saves everyone else the trouble of hearing boring monologues about dinosaurs and how you don't want to live and shit of the painful like. But now that I know your weakness is a table, judging from our quote-enquote MATCH... I know just what to arm myself with the next time we meet. So, hows about you get your real balls out of your Sleeping with Sirens purse and make your snoozefest with Duke Williams a triple threat tables match?

Al: LADY, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY TO DUKE WILLIAMS?!

Emevlas: NO MORE FROM YOU, PISSANT! Duke, I'm not sorry to say that you will probably be neglected like a room of orphans in this match I've proposed. But, at least you'll get a paycheck, right?

 

[PositivelyKen]

Al: Wow, the lines are stacked tonight! Is there a full moon out? Let's go to Frank from L.A.!

Frank: Oh, hey dude. Sup?

Clark: You tell us -- you're the one who called in.

Frank: Oh, yeah, right. Haha. My bro Billy had your show on in his office and I was like, what the shit is this? And he's like, it's this really well-known pro wrestling podcast out of Chicago. And I'm like, whatever dude, I don't know any of these people. But then you get one nutty caller after another and I'm roflcoptering over here. So much derp.

Al: Derp you say?

Frank: Piles of derp, dude. DERP WILLIAMS. DERPMONT. EMDERPLAS. It's frickin' GENERATION DERP all up in here!

Clark: Those are some pretty harsh words, Frank!

Al: Yeah, seriously. Did you just call in to pile on?

Frank: Pretty much. Anyway, GO DEFIANCE! Later dudes. Big fan.

[Click!]

Clark: Well then.

 

[SkyMont]

Clark: And we have another call from Skylar Montgomery.


Al: No, not this guy again!


SkyMont: YES, THIS GUY AGAIN! Because I won’t stop until I’ve made this whole industry recognise me as the high-flying, death-defying, top-rope-diving; risk-taking, rule-breaking, self-hating; move-botching, chair-shotting, jaw-dropping; hardcore, suicidal, cult icon that I am~!


Clark: Jeeshuz.


SkyMont: So Emevlas I see you like to play with tables. I see you wanna be hardcore. You wanna be extreme. Well nobody’s more extreme than ‘The King of the Holy Shit Moment’, Suicidal Skylar Montgomery. Babes, I’ve shed more blood in the ring than you have into TAMPONS over the course of your life! I AM extreme, you’re just a little girl who likes to play with tables. So I figured something out – your name backwards is ‘save me’, with a random ‘L’ in it. The ‘L’ stands for the loss I’m gonna hand you when we meet in the ring again; and the ‘save me’ is because you need saving. You need saving from your own mediocrity. You aint hardcore, you’re a poser. Yeah you put me through a table in RLW, and I passed out because I was doped up on a cocktail of prescription drugs… that’s why I accept your challenge to a tables match and this time I’m gonna win! NOT ONLY AM I GONNA WIN BUT IM GONNA HURT YOU! I’m gonna make you bleed. I’m gonna save you. I’m gonna sacrifice you to the hardcore gods on an alter that I will brake in half. But before that I’m gonna make you bleed. Because other weapons ARE allowed in a tables match! So I’m gonna turn this table match into a TLC! And no, I don’t mean ‘tables, ladders and chairs’, I mean ‘thumbtacks, lighttubes and cutlery’!


Al: ‘Cutlery’? What the hell is this a dinner party or a wrestling match?


SkyMont: Yes, ‘cutlery’. Because in my hand I am holding a steel kitchen fork. And I am going to use this kitchen fork to JAB and PRICK into Emevlas Stasias’ forehead. Then I am going to DIG until I break the skin, then GRIND the fork in and wriggle it about in the open wound.


Clark: Oosh.


SkyMont: And as for Duke Williams; if he wants to sign on the dotted line and make it a three-way then he can get it too. Either way, someone’s about to become a victim of a kamikaze, daredevil, suicidal, maniac on the loose, named SUICIDAL SKYLAR MONTGOMERY~! I’m out.


Clark: I think he’s gone. Yeah, that was it, he’s gone.


Al: Thank god for that. Let’s open the lines to see if we have any more callers out there…

 

[Megastory4]

Emevlas: So, the guy finally spoke back to me with idle threats. *Snarky laugh* I got him mad, and that's all I needed. I personally don't care what names he'll call me, cause I've been called everything. I see that HARDCORE FORKING is his thing. And he said I was the little girl poser. I never said I was hardcore, I just enjoy putting people through tables. He's too confident to see the writing on the wall, which reads Emevlas Stastias defeats Skylar Montgomery in a Thumbtacks, Lighttubes, and Cutlery match.

[Landline phone hangs up.]


Clark: Almost forgot she was on the line...

Al: I think she's gone, too... anyways, next caller!