That Isn't Me

[PaulNJ21]

[updated:LAST EDITED ON Jul-29-03 AT 09:51 PM (EST)]JONATHAN MARX: Brandon, welcome into my office. We have some business we need to discuss.

BRANDON JACOBS: You mean beating the ten naked men and writing messages in blood?

JONATHAN MARX: Yeah, thats it. You have a very sharp mind. That is why I love having you around.

BRANDON JACOBS: Well, you know that the feeling is mutual.

JONATHAN MARX: Ever since those vignettes have been airing, I've been getting hundreds and hundreds of letters. Everyone is wondering if I snapped or something. I want to inform everyone that isn't the case.

BRANDON JACOBS: You really had me worried there for awhile Jonathan. I thought you were going to kill DJ and rape his rotting corpse.

JONATHAN MARX: Have you been reading my planning sheets? I wanted that to be a surprise. ::crosses item off list::

BRANDON JACOBS: Sorry.

JONATHAN MARX: That version of Marx is some Bizarro Marx from an alternate universe. Don't take anything Marx does over in NFW seriously. That isn't me.

BRANDON JACOBS: How do I know the Marx from the NFW isn't the real Marx and you aren't just some imposter?

JONATHAN MARX: I'll make sure the GLCW Marx signs your checks to avoid confusion.

BRANDON JACOBS: Makes sense.

JONATHAN MARX: Now, there is a more pressing issue that I have to deal with. Brandon, as much as I love you as a human being, I'm going to have to let you go as my sidekick over in NFW.

BRANDON JACOBS: WHAT?!

JONATHAN MARX: I don't want to do it anymore than you do. :pens up his draw and pulls out an NFW demographics sheet:: The problem is, the NFW has been doing some marketing research and you really did kind of poorly.

BRANDON JACOBS: LET ME SEE THAT! ::grabs sheet away from Marx:: Good lord, I scored in the single digits. I thought everyone loved me!

JONATHAN MARX: They are all fools. Listen, we go too far back, what I'll do is just move you behind the scenes in NFW. You'll still handle my schedule and things but it just won't be an on camera role.

BRANDON JACOBS: So my pay won't change, right?

JONATHAN MARX: Correct. Now, here comes the part I dislike. My new bodyguard/butler is going to have to punk you out which will require you taking a beating. I've told him about your neck so he is going to be really, really careful. You have to act like you're dead.

BRANDON JACOBS: I'm being replaced by a freakin' butler?

JONATHAN MARX: ::hands Brandon Jacobs the NFW demographics sheet again::

BRANDON JACOBS: Wow, the Butler/bodyguard idea polled really high.

JONATHAN MARX: Can you do it Brandon? I'll give you a bonus or a paid vacation anywhere you want if you agree to do it.

BRANDON JACOBS: Anywhere?

JONATHAN MARX: Anywhere. I feel so god damn guilty doing this to you. You've been with me since the beginning.

BRANDON JACOBS: It is okay Marx, I know you wouldn't be doing this unless it was absolutely necessary.

JONATHAN MARX: You are a good man Brandon Jacobs.

::stands up and shakes Brandon's hand::

FTB

 

[jediPREZ]

Oh, but its ALL you...

[updated:LAST EDITED ON Jul-29-03 AT 02:24 PM (EST)](FADEIN: 'The Toughest Man from Texas,' GOLDEN HAWK sittin' on a stool in the middle of the ring. He's got a good sized chaw packed in his lower lip, he lets out a spit into the bucket beneath him. He's wearing a black "Winkamania t-shirt - circa '94", blue jeans and cowboy boots. A fitted 'mean green' North Texas State Eagle cap on backwards.)

HAWK: "Welcome to my office, boys. Like I said, I'm watchin' you Marx. Watchin' everything you do, watchin' everything you say. Just seein' where your weaknesses are. And lemme tell you boy, I'm gettin' sick and tired of this act yer tryin' to pull on the good fans of the GLCDubya."

(HAWK spits)

"The problem with Jonathan Marx isn't that NOBODY gets him. The problem is that nobody WANTS to."

(HAWK spits)

"You talk about your old school revolution like it's bringin' somethin' back. You talk about watchin' good 'ol Golden Hawk on yer TV, where you were a child - a time where he was the TOUGHEST man in this sport. (HAWK laughs) Now, I was only all of 21 at that point Johnny Boy - but lemme tell you the revolution yer tryin' to bring ain't what it was all about back THEN."

(HAWK spits)

"People don't get you because they don't want to hear about all the tired backdoor stuff yer talkin' about. DEMOGRAPHICS? Who the hell cares about if a 10 or 50 year old isn't buyin' your act? NO MATTER what you try, it AIN'T gonna work."

(HAWK spits)

"The mistake YOU made was steppin' in front of MY way to bringin' a REAL old school revolution to the GLCDubya. Y'see, just like when I was on yer television set, just like everytime I walked out there and BEAT ANY man in MY office...in A WRESTLING RING, that's how you did it. Ya put up or you SHUT up and Appleseed - let's just say you're about to get PLANTED."

(HAWK spits)

"All these games, all these politics - this universe that you and Manson created BEFORE I was here...it's about to CRUMBLE. This is a sport, Marx. Identity don't mean a thing when you step through those ropes. It doesn't matter if you're playin' the rich, Princeton snob. It doesn't matter if you're playin' the "Manson is God" role. It doesn't mater if you're playin' the Marxist Old School Revolution. You've been makin' all the wrong moves, Johnny. And guess what?"

(HAWK spits)

"This is gonna be the one that HURTS the most. I bet ya remember cheerin' when the tough man from Texas didn't back down. It didn't matter who it was, he did Hawk wrong and he was gonna PAY. Its ten years later, Appleseed. I'm TOUGHER. I'm STRONGER. I'm SMARTER. And I know THIS office pretty GODDAMN well. And you? You're the man that's about to PAY."

(HAWK spits)

"You don't like it? Well, y'know I don't care. Every step you take I'm gonna be right behind you until you LEARN NEVER to put your tiny little revolution in THIS MAN's path EVER again. Its gonna feel like a chainsaw rippin' through your torso, Marx. I can't wait to hear the screams YOU make when ONE-HUNDRED percent Texan Steel tears you apart. The GOLD RUSH is comin', Marx...get ready to feel it. It's as good as GOLD."

(FTB)

 

[PaulNJ21]

35er Forever

::Jonathan Marx is sitting in his office with his feet on the table smoking a cigar::

JONATHAN MARX: Boy, for someone nobody wants, you sure can’t stop talking about me. Now I know how God must feel.

Now, I know that there are many people in the locker room and in management who don’t like me no matter where I go. I can’t blame them.

I’m rich, I’m talented, and I want them to unlearn what they already "know" so we can save this sport while we still can. I want to lure them away from Eve’s apple and bring them back to paradise.

Why would so many people who say they care about this sport try to spoil my plans?

The veterans are selfish, greedy, bums who don’t want the new generation to spoil their fun by making them take a step back. Instead of teaching the younger talent how to become better wrestlers, they still want the spotlight for themselves. Veterans certainly don’t want anyone to say that they are getting old and should step away for a new generation to rise up and take its rightful place. But let me tell you what veterans like yourself fear above all else, they don’t want any youngsters like myself making them have to work. Imagine if you had to work for every victory like you are going to have to work to beat me. You would fall over from a past-prime attack.

Those are guys like you Golden Hawk.

Then, we have the young rookies who have been brought up hardcore wrestling and instead of learning proper technique; they learn how to kill themselves instead by learning how to do flips or using light tubes to get over. If that isn’t enough, in an attempt to be an “individual”, they disrespect that ring by wearing cut off jeans and dying hair in order to be cool.

Those are guys like Ryan Roberts and Dakota Smith.

I can’t tell you the feeling of glee that I feel in my heart when I heard I’d have the opportunity to wrestle both of you. Well, I’d rather not be wrestling Dakota because he has yet to pay his dues yet in this sport, but that is the beauty of the match that we having coming up at the PPV. I can put both men in their place at once instead of having to waste time by doing it on two shows.

Now, regardless of the amount of respect I have for what you did for this sport, passing yourself off for “35” when you have the old man dye job on your head and get AARP magazine on a regular basis is ludicrous. You are the Jack Benny of wrestling and will claim to be a “35er” forever, which makes sense because you were old enough to see Jack Benny play vaudeville.

You used to be such a great wrestler, if that wrestler still exists, somewhere down deep, I want him to show up for the PPV. If it is the same Golden Hawk who has been wrestling like Jack Benny played his violin, you can stay home and let me take care of Dakota one on one.

And as for me having a “backdoor” obsession, that would make your obsession with me quite queer and unlike you Golden Hawk, I’m not the one spitting every two minutes.

FTB