I shunned a voodoo witch, decapitated a black cat
(CUTTO: The Commentator's table, where 'The Phenom' SHAWN HART has taken the place of Jonathan Marx.)
BRANDON JACOBS: Alright, we're back here as the Superbowl of Wrestling rolls on and as you can see, we've got a guest here to lend his insight to this next match.
SHAWN HART: Well if that's not a king's welcome... ... ...I dunno what is.
VIC WATERS: Leave it to Jacobs to disappoint us all.
SHAWN HART: That's right, Vic! Vic-Vic-Vic the Dick. Wasn't it sweet when I gave you that name?
VIC WATERS: I'm pretty sure it was your sister that gave me that one.
SHAWN HART: Why I oughtta!!!
(With some righteous tunes blasting over the PA, Pulsar appears atop the entryway to a loud reception.)
BRANDON JACOBS: What a response for the man who's never fails to cue the excitement!
SHAWN HART: Pulsar hasn't quite reached the top of the tamale here in World's Finest, but he's a WFW original, jus' like yours truly... and the fans respect that. Especially males aged 35 to 44!
BRANDON JACOBS: Oh?
SHAWN HART: I was a marketing major for half a semester at community college... I know the CRAP outta some demographics!
VIC WATERS: What's my demographic, Phenom?
SHAWN HART: War-mongering, gun touting, homophobes with SUV's.
VIC WATERS: I LOVE Republicans!
BRANDON JACOBS: Pulsar and the debuting Shane have never locked horns in the squared circle before, but if the look in his eyes counts for anything, I'd say Pulsar is more than prepared for this match-up.
SHAWN HART: Mystical Dory Funk analysis like that can ONLY be found in WFW, nnnndaddio!!
(With Pulsar anxiously waiting in the ring, another wicked riff begins to blast from the sound system signifying the arrival of Steven Shane!)
VIC WATERS: Here he is, Jacobs!
BRANDON JACOBS: Shane was definitely outspoken in interviews leading up to the event tonight. Really both men are coming in with alot of confidence here, but Steven Shane almost seems to have a chip on his shoulder.
SHAWN HART: I tussled with Steve Shane in a1e during one of their Pier 6 Brawls a couple years back and lemme tell ya, he's a tough cookie to crack. Pinning his shoulders can be harder than getting your girlfriend to do dirty deeds of the backdoor variety.
VIC WATERS: Dirty deeds?!
SHAWN HART: Done dirt cheep!!
(Before the referee can signal for the bell, Shane bolts to the ring, dives under the ropes, and quickly charges at Pulsar's legs!)
BRANDON JACOBS: And we're off!!
(Ding! Ding! Ding!)
BRANDON JACOBS: Shane clips Pulsar's legs and brings him quickly down to the mat! Quick cover...
SHAWN HART: UNO! DOS!
BRANDON JACOBS: No. Way too early to score the pinfall as Pulsar's out, and actually beating Shane to his feet. Hard right hand now from Pulsar.
VIC WATERS: Somebody ate their Wheaties this morning.
BRANDON JACOBS: Pulsar now.. with another right hand, and another, and another. Irish whip here by Pulsar.
SHAWN HART: Reversal by Shane!
BRANDON JACOBS: And there goes Pulsar toward the ropes on the far side. Coming back the other way now, clothesline attempt by Shane, but Pulsar ducks it! Pulsar hits the ropes on the opposite side now and springs back toward center ring. Shane tries the back elbow and AGAIN Pulsar ducks it.
VIC WATERS: He's put the brakes on this time!
BRANDON JACOBS: Reverse neckbreaker from Pulsar! DOWN GOES SHANE to the mat and Pulsar hops back to his feet and looks to the fans at ringside!
SHAWN HART: Nice move by Pulsar. If he can keep this up, he'll spoil big boy's big debut.
BRANDON JACOBS: Pulsar's back on the attack now, grabbing Shane by the head and pulling him... WAIT! Small package from Shane! ONE! TWO........ KICKOUT BY PULSAR! And the WFW original appears miffed as he CHARGES at Shane with a full head of steam! He tries a clothesline of his own, but Shane ducks it this time. Pulsar off the ropes and..
SHAWN HART: BLAMMO!!
VIC WATERS: Whoa...
BRANDON JACOBS: Low dropkick by Steven Shane! Shane with the lateral press...
VIC WATERS: ONE.... TWO.....
BRANDON JACOBS: Foot on the ropes!! Pulsar with a great veteran maneuver there!
SHAWN HART: And Brandon Jacobs, better known as BJ to his close friends, with a great veteran maneuver of his own employing the tired cliche!
BRANDON JACOBS: ...Both men back to their feet now; Steven Shane revving back for the BIG FIST...
VIC WATERS: NO! Poke to the right eyeball from Pulsar!!
SHAWN HART: And the zebra is on his jock harder than a condom after that tomfoolery!
BRANDON JACOBS: The referee is indeed admonishing Pulsar, but Pulsar brushes him off and grabs Shane by the head. Pulsar leads Shane to the corner aaaand...
SHAWN HART: WHAMMY!
BRANDON JACOBS: PULSAR sends Shane's head HAAAARD into the turnbuckle!!
SHAWN HART: That's what he gets for pressing his luck!
BRANDON JACOBS: And here's a nice move by Pulsar as he uses Shane's momentum from the strike and guides his face to the canvas with a BULLDOG! Ladies and gentlemen, Pulsar has come to fight!
SHAWN HART: AND SO HAVE I!!!
(CUTTO: Hart as he jumps out of his chair and angrily slams his headset against the table.)
VIC WATERS: Whoa, really?!
SHAWN HART: Nah....
(Hart grins nervously, retrieves his headset, and returns to a seated position. CUTTO: The action in the ring as Pulsar has the rear chinlock applied to Shane.)
VIC WATERS: So Shawn, while the rest hold is in effect, I guess it would be a good time to ask you when you're REALLY gonna come back to fight.
SHAWN HART: Vic... they don't call you the Dick for nothin'! This match isn't about Shawn Hart. It's about Pulsar and Steven Shane! And right now, my money's on one of the guys that helped me n' Doc Silver n' Richard Gideon jump start this company back in the day, Puh-puh-Pulsar!
VIC WATERS: Oh, well I'm sorry then, Shaw...
SHAWN HART: Buuuuuuuut since you asked, The Phenom... Shawn Hart... will WIN the WFW title in 2007!! Call it an outrage, call it a mockery, I call it the TRUTH!
BRANDON JACOBS: Big words, Phenom... but right now, if anybody's got a case for bigger and better things, it's Pulsar, as he CONTINUES to wrench down on the neck of Steven Shane!
VIC WATERS: Look at him writhe in pain... it kind of reminds me of the time I gave Shawn's sister the ol' 1-2.
SHAWN HART: WHY I OUGHTTA!!!
BRANDON JACOBS: ...Shane is desperately trying to break the hold now as he is actually starting to make his way to his feet!
VIC WATERS: C'mon Steve-O!
SHAWN HART: Are you even cheering for the right guy? Kayfabe, Waters. Kayfabe.
BRANDON JACOBS: Shane is BACK ON HIS FEET now, but Pulsar still has his arms locked!!! I don't know how much more Steven Shane can take!
SHAWN HART: You're right, bub. Look at him, he's starting to get a li'l sleepy there...
BRANDON JACOBS: The referee edges in to check the hand and administer the mandatory three count... OHHH MY!!! TAKEDOWN by PULSAR!! He brought Shane down by the head before the ref could get to his arm! Steven Shane is in a bad way now!
SHAWN HART: This could be it, brah... Pulsar's taking to the top rope!
BRANDON JACOBS: Pulsar is climbing the turnbuckle now and looking to the crowd with each step upward. Shane is out like a light bulb on the mat. As the Phenom said, THIS could be it!
VIC WATERS: But what's he doing? He's up there, but he's wasting time!
BRANDON JACOBS: Oh no!! Pulsar is turning his back to Shane... what's he gonna do?!
SHAWN HART: This ain't something you see everyday...
BRANDON JACOBS: Pulsar... on the turnbuckle... he's got his back to the ring... and THERE HE GOES!! TWISTING CORKSCREW...
VIC WATERS: GOOD GOD!! SHANE SHOOTS UP LIKE A CANNON AND CONNECTS WITH A DROPKICK MID-AIR!
SHAWN HART: Yeeeeesh... his boots caught Pulsar right in the face!
BRANDON JACOBS: Both men down... Referee begins the count...
SHAWN HART: One...
BRANDON JACOBS: Shane is stirring, but Pulsar looks to be out cold!!
SHAWN HART: Two...
VIC WATERS: Three.........
(CUTTO: The official as he raises both arms in the air,signaling FOUR. The fans in the arena chant along with him.)
BRANDON JACOBS: Shane is still struggling, but he looks to be gaining his wits...
SHAWN HART: Five!!
BRANDON JACOBS: Steven Shane drags himself to Pulsar.... and slooooooowly moves over the top of him!!
VIC WATERS: Here's the cover!!!
BRANDON JACOBS: ONE!!!!! TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!
SHAWN HART: HOLY MOSES!!
BRANDON JACOBS: Out of NOWHERE, Pulsar presses Steven Shane STRAIGHT INTO THE AIR and off of his body!! He practically THREW Shane off with the press!!
VIC WATERS: Where is he getting the energy?!
BRANDON JACOBS: And just like that he's up and running!!! PULSAR off to ropes on the near side looking for that extra burst of momentum! There he goes, bouncing off the ropes, ROARING BACK NOW TOWARD SHANE...
SHAWN HART: He's dead...
BRANDON JACOBS: NOOOOOOOOOO!!! MY GOD!!! SHANE CATCHES HIM, SPINS HIM ABOUT, AND SLAAAAAMS HIM INTO THE TURNBUCKLE WITH A SPINEBUSTER!!!
VIC WATERS: Holy sh(FCC)t...
BRANDON JACOBS: What a SICKENING crash!! I'm not kidding, folks... Shane was doing the Watusi, Pulsar was coming at him from the ropes and somehow, someway Steven Shane manages to get his arms in behind Pulsar's legs and hit the Spinebuster in the corner!! They were so close to the ropes there that Shane literally SPIKED HIM into the turnbuckle.
SHAWN HART: Total instinct there, baby!
VIC WATERS: Wow.
BRANDON JACOBS: Here's Shane with the COVER!! ONE......................................................
(Ding! Ding! Ding!)
RING ANNOUNCER: The WIIIIIIINNER of the match... .........STEVEN.. SHAAAAAAANE!!
BRANDON JACOBS: Steven Shane has won his debut match in World's Finest Wrestling in grand fashion, and on the grandest stage of them all!
(EMT's and event staff quickly hit the scene to check on Pulsar. On the other side of the ring, Shane mounts the buckle and raises his hands triumphantly.)
VIC WATERS: Ehh, he got lucky.
SHAWN HART: The hell?! You were routing for him the entire match!
VIC WATERS: Yeah, well... Vic Waters doesn't support losers.
BRANDON JACOBS: At any rate, Steven Shane is definitely not a loser as he digs deep to pick up the W. Medical personnel are now checking up on Pulsar... Hopefully he's OK, and hopefully he can look back on this thing tomorrow and know he put on a good show.
SHAWN HART: A show worthy of a WFW original.
BRANDON JACOBS: Shawn Hart, it's been a pleasure having you here aspart of our Superbowl broadcast once again. It wouldn't have been the same without you.
SHAWN HART: Glad to do it. This chair smells like Marx anyway, he can have it back.
VIC WATERS: Phenom, come back soon!
SHAWN HART: I'll tell ya what, seeing Shane pull this out's got me all hot n' bothered. Great match from both men.
BRANDON JACOBS: Thanks again, Shawn... and congrats to Steven Shane! We'll be right back!