A startling revelation...and country music!
(Cueup: “Good Times” by Tommy Lee featuring Butch Walker)
(Fade in on Copycat before the same massive widescreen TV as before, in the same director’s chair, with the same jeans, sunglasses and beret. But with a different T-shirt! This one is a WFW Copycat “THE RESPECT THAT I DESERVE” T-shirt. Oh, and the “CAT TV” logo is still there, and in the same place)
Copycat: Good morrow to ye, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another outstanding edition of CAT TV, the television sensation that’s taking the world by storm. We come to you from CAT TV studios once again to kick ass and chew gum…and we’re all out of ass.
(Copycat blows a bubble with the gum in his mouth)
Copycat: Before you ask, YES, there will be another visually stunning video tribute to a WFW superstar on today’s edition, but there’s business to be conducted first. And oh, what depressing business it is. Because as I sit here, pondering how I should respond to Michael Manson’s latest earth-shattering promo, I find myself grappling with the notion of resorting to something I so HOPED I would not have to resort to. I hope viewers will gather from the fact that I just ended a sentence with a preposition that I really am TRULY heartsick over what I have to say today.
(He appears to struggle with his words)
Copycat: It’s just that…well…I watched Manson’s promo…and I did something that no one, ever, in the history of mankind, has done while watching a Manson promo. And I’m ashamed. It’s not enough that I’m ashamed it happened. Oh, that hurts, don’t get me wrong. It tears me up inside. But having to come on TV and admit it to all of the Cat Lovers who scan their cable dials all day long, hoping to get a glimpse of my smiling face…that is the true torture. Yet, I am strong. I will persevere. And a great weight will be lifted from my conscience if I can just come clean. When I saw Manson’s last promo, I…
(He pauses briefly)
Copycat: …I…I got…bored.
(He looks down at the floor)
Copycat: It hurts me to say it. I don’t like calling people boring, because it’s far too clichéd. But there’s just nothing else I can say. What I saw from Manson in his last promo was nothing but the same old, same old. And this is Manson we’re talking about here! His same old, same old is usually great stuff! But I can only watch a man argue semantics, trot around an allegedly comical bit character and endanger human life so many times before I start REALLY wishing for a John Stamos cameo or something. And I feel deeply for any WFW fan who feels the same way, though I have a sneaking suspicion that most of the ones following this match are fast-forwarding through all promos that do not feature me. And maybe Larry Tact. The brief glimpse we had of Tact was kind of interesting. The best-case scenario here is that I’m just tired of drug humor, because Manson’s been doing it and Felix Red’s been doing it and I’d have to be on about 12 different kinds of drugs to watch an Anarky promo without wanting to make some toast in the bathtub and they keep showing “Half Baked” on Comedy Central. But I suspect that Manson’s promo was legitimately boring. I can only hope it was a fluke.
(Copycat shrugs)
Copycat: I mean…I was working on preparing some responses to the things he said. But then it occurred to me that most of them are things that I’ve already covered, that Manson just more or less rehashed in such a way as to make himself look worse. The violent response to my comparing him to Marilyn Manson was to be expected. That ALWAYS makes Manson angry. And he’s so cute when he’s angry. But everything else was just…ugh. Dull. Jesus. Is he still on his “I got you to trust me just so I could turn on you” kick? Can he possibly think I trusted him out of anything other than necessity, that I would have much preferred to have NOT tagged with him at Road to Glory but figured Rainbow Cat and Mephisto would not be the most formidable opponents? Or that I hadn’t outright said on an occasion or two that I’d never trust him? Hell, I figured the only reason he WOULDN’T eventually backstab me was because he knew it would be trite and stupid, but I guess I gave him too much credit.
(He shakes his head disappointedly)
Copycat: And the whole comparing title reigns thing? Please. Even if we don’t take into account the fact that, if you’re judging by days, my title reigns was about as long as his was, we can at least take into account the fact that through the entire duration of his reign, Manson defended the title four times. FOUR. Two more than me. And one of them was against Richard friggin’ Gideon, so it barely even counts. I covered that last time. And I also covered the fact that for all the glory he heaps on his title reign, I ended it singlehandedly. I didn’t need to cook up some scheme to “orchestrate” Manson losing the title – I just walked into the ring, did my job, and walked out the champion and the better man. Manson can try and take credit for ending my title reign. That’s his prerogative, and if he wants to ignore the fact that he was only one of the four men who interfered against me in that match, more power to him. But the fact is, in the one match he and I ever had against each other, for the top prize in this industry, the WFW World Heavyweight Title, I cleanly pinned his shoulders to the mat, one-two-three. That is something that Michael Manson cannot EVER take away from me. I think that upsets him a little.
(Copycat’s serious look quickly fades away)
Copycat: But that’s all just so DEPRESSING! Nobody wants to even CONSIDER that Manson is anything less than phenomenal, and I don’t want to suggest otherwise any more than I have to. Plus, I’m afraid I may have made an error most grievous in more or less ignoring the current WFW World Heavyweight Champion, one Anarky.
(A picture of Anarky appears on the big TV)
Copycat: Don’t worry, Anarky! I haven’t forgotten about you! I know you’d be deeply upset if the one person on earth who doesn’t refer to you as “Nark” stopped paying attention, and I don’t want to upset you! So I’ve created for you…a peace offering. Yes, that’s right, just like Michael Manson and Felix Red before you, I have created for you yet ANOTHER wondrous video tribute! And because I feel so bad about ignoring you up to now, I’ve set it to the tune of one of your favorite songs in the whole world! So shine up that belt, wipe the Cheez-It crumbs off that chair, and sit back, because it’s time for you to have your socks rocked off by yet another presentation from…
(The music stops and a drumroll starts)
Copycat: CAT! TEE! VEE!
(The big TV goes staticky, and we zoom in on it)
(Cueup: A recognizable country tune)
(Fade in on a stage at a country bar of some sort. We can see the same four-piece band from “Shock is Dead,” this time decked out in more country-esque duds, jamming on stage. The band is fronted by an odd figure – Copycat, all country’d up in jeans, boots and a cowboy hat, but also sporting Anarky’s facepaint and a L.O.V.E. T-shirt. He also has a guitar, but it’s obvious that he has no idea how to play it and that he’s faking it very badly. As the band begins its song, we briefly cut to a shot of the same CopyNarky walking in the door and taking a seat at the bar. A cowboy in a Psycho mask, accompanied by two other cowboy-looking fellows with “WELLS” and “RED” written on the backs of their shirts, walks up to CopyNarky and starts up a conversation. As the vocals kick in, Copycat does his best Toby Keith)
He said you lost to the Cat before
I said he’s beat me a time or two
He said well hello, my name is Psycho
And meet Felix and Jared too
(Cowboy Psycho pounds his fist on the bar as he speaks, impassioned. PseudoWells and PseudoRed get equally animated. Cowboy Psycho points across the bar and the camera pans to the same skinny Fake Copycat from the previous videos, in the midst of a game of pool. We cut back to CopyNarky as he scratches his chin wistfully, considering his options. The bartender sets a shot in front of CopyNarky)
We’re all tired of being boring now
That Cat’s tearin’ up this place
But if we all gang up on him now
We can throw that right back in his face
(CopyNarky takes his shot and mouths the lyrics to his new friends)
I said, guys…
(CopyNarky shrugs, still mouthing the words. Cowboy Psycho and his two buddies nod assent, taking everything in)
I ain’t as good as I once was
I got a few years on me now
And when I don’t cheat
I usually get beat
So let’s try this alliance out
(Shots are lined up in front of Cowboy Psycho, PseudoWells and PseudoRed. CopyNarky points over to Fake Copycat, who has just sunk the 8-ball to the chagrin of his opponent. The opponent pulls out a wad of cash and hands it to Fake Copycat. We cut back to CopyNarky, who seems to be outlining a plan while still mouthing the words)
This league needs some L.O.V.E. tonight
I think our number’s come up
I ain’t as good as I once was
But with your help
I’ll be good enough
(Cowboy Psycho, PseudoWells and PseudoRed take their shots, then leave the bar. They walk over to Fake Copycat, and Cowboy Psycho grabs the cash as PseudoWells and PseudoRed shove Fake Copycat to the ground. The three of them then bring the cash back to CopyNarky, who smiles and pockets it, then waves off the three of them. As he chuckles about his accomplishment, he seems to spy someone across the bar and waves to him. Another cowboy, this one sporting full-on goth makeup, walks onscreen, sits at the bar next to CopyNarky, and shakes his hand)
I still hang out with my good friend Mike
I’ve known him since he was breaking in
One night he had a few shots, came up with a plot
To get me some gold again
CopyNarky and Cowboy Manson order up some shots and take them. Cowboy Manson then points over to another part of the bar, and we pan to see Fake Copycat engaged in an arm wrestling match with some other cowboy type. As we cut back to CopyNarky and Cowboy Manson, Manson is outlining another plot)
He said, you bring your L.O.V.E.r boys
We’ll take down that big bad Cat
He snorted up his last line of coke
And asked me just what I thought of that
(CopyNarky gives Cowboy Manson a slap on the back and laughs, mouthing the lyrics again)
I said, Mi-hiiiiike…
(CopyNarky mouths the lyrics again, outlining his new plan. We make a quick cut or two to the band he is fronting, as CopyNarky continues pretending he knows how to play guitar)
I ain’t as good as I once was
My, how the years have flown
But if you hang around
And L.O.V.E. stands its ground
Maybe I can hold my own
(We cut to the table where Fake Copycat is arm-wrestling the big cowboy. With some effort, Fake Copycat forces the guy’s hand down to the table and raises his arms in victory. The cowboy sighs, then grudgingly hands over another wad of cash. We cut back to CopyNarky and Cowboy Manson as CopyNarky points over at Fake Copycat, and Cowboy Manson gets out of his chair)
You know I want that belt tonight
But that Cat’s lookin’ way too tough
I ain’t as good as I once was
But with your help
I’ll be good enough
(Cut to the table. Cowboy Manson sneaks up behind Fake Copycat, kicks his chair out from under him, and swipes the cash. Fake Copycat glares at him as he walks away. Cowboy Manson hands the cash to CopyNarky, then makes a motion indicating that he wants a cut of it, but CopyNarky shoves him away. CopyNarky laughs to himself, but suddenly his eyes get wide as we cut to Fake Copycat getting back to his feet)
I was a menace in the ring
Way back there in my younger days
Now my ego’s saying, you can do this, right?
But my mind’s saying, ah, no way…
(CopyNarky mouths the lyrics, looking much less comfortable than he did before, as Fake Copycat walks over to him. From his body language, he appears to be pleading, though his words are just the chorus of the song)
I ain’t as good as I once was
That’s just the cold hard truth
Now I’m stuck in a match
With that mean ol’ Cat
And he’s lookin’ bulletproof
(CopyNarky glances to one side, and the camera pans to show Cowboy Psycho, PseudoWells and PseudoRed passed out drunk with their heads down on a table. CopyNarky glances to the other side, and the camera pans to show Cowboy Manson flipping him a digitally-censored bird. CopyNarky then slowly turns back to Fake Copycat, who is right in his face glaring at him)
Now, I said I could beat him now
Lord, I hope he don’t call my bluff
I ain’t as good as I once was
‘n I hope this time
I’ll be good enough
(CopyNarky makes like he’s going to get up and fight, but instead he tosses the wad of cash to Fake Copycat and falls off his barstool. He scampers away as Fake Copycat picks up the cash and pockets it, laughing)
No, I ain’t good as I once was
‘n I think this time
I ain’t good enough
(We cut back to the band as CopyNarky and the four other players finish their song. Fake Copycat walks by and makes a fake lunge at CopyNarky, causing him to flinch. Text appears in the bottom left corner of the screen)
“As Good As I Once Was”
Cat-R-Waul
A CAT TV Production
Director: James “Copycat” Kattman
(Fade out)