I shunned a voodoo witch, decapitated a black cat
(CUTTO: Ringside at the announce table. Brandon Jacobs takes a look at his notes as the scaffold begins to be lowered on a pully system down to the mat.)
BRANDON JACOBS: What a match we have coming up. Two men .. one scaffold .. and the added stipulation that one it is pulled into the air it will drop rapidly at random times.
JONATHAN MARX: I haven’t seen this type of match before. This match is a Device of Death match .. and it could certainly turn out that someone gets seriously injured if that thing should cause one of them to fall off.
VIC WATERS: I can’t wait. It’s about time that the Superbowl of Wrestling had something worth watching!
BRANDON JACOBS: John Doe, and newcomer Hindustani have the luck, if you could call it that, of participating in the match .. Daymon was originally scheduled to be in the match, but has been pulled due to extenuating circumstances … so let’s head down to the ring announcer and get this match rolling.
(CUTTO: Inside the ring.)
RING ANNOUNCER: The following match is the DEVICE of DEATH match! Once both men enter the ring and are on the platform it will raise in the air. Once it has risen, the only way to win is to throw your opponent off the platform to the arena floor. Additionally … the platform will drop at random times! Introducing first …
(CUEUP: “Dhoom Machale” by Dhoom Original. Hindustani comes from behind the curtain. The fans don’t know quite what to make of the big man from India.)
RING ANNOUNCER: He stands seven foot two … hailing from Kurukshetra, Haryana, India … HINDUSTANI!
VIC WATERS: He hails from Arachabad Khalahaha?
JONATHAN MARX: Kuyrukshetra, Haryana, India, Vic.
VIC WATERS: Karalalaphobia Harry and the Hendersons?
(CUEUP: “Who Said” by Planet Funk. John Doe comes from behind the curtains to some pops.)
RING ANNOUNCER: His first opponent .. his hometown is unknown … JOHN DOE!
JONATHAN MARX: Now here’s a talented guy.
BRANDON JACOBS: I agree.
VIC WATERS: You guys are both on crack.
(DING! DING! DING!)
JONATHAN MARX: Both men are on that platform .. and it is starting to be pulled into the air.
VIC WATERS: Look at John Doe holding on to that rope for dear life.
BRANDON JACOBS: Vic, both men are bracing themselves against the ropes that hold the platform up … as you can see there are no ring ropes .. nothing on any side that will stop them should they go hurtling towards the edge. The only four ropes are the ones going vertically on each corner of the platform.
JONATHAN MARX: The platform has stopped rising .. and both men are slowly releasing the ropes .. Hindustani making more of a move over to Doe .. and Doe starts hopping up and down on the platform causing it to sway back and forth. AND HINDUSTANI LOSES HIS FOOTING AND FALLS DOWN!
BRANDON JACOBS: But when Hindustani hit the platform, it caused it to wobble even more and Doe almost went flying off the side! Doe luckily caught onto that rope again and was able to stop himself!
VIC WATERS: That would have made my day to see Doe go flying off the platform within seconds of the match starting.
BRANDON JACOBS: Doe steadying himself as Hindustani makes his way to his feet. Hindustani is on his knees and Doe shuffles over .. and slugs him in the face! Hindustani pushes Doe back .. but Doe comes back in and drives a knee into the head! AND HINDUSTANI YANKS THE TIGHTS SENDING DOE FACE FIRST TO THE PLATFORM!
JONATHAN MARX: Hindustani has an incredible size advantage over Doe .. but we’ve seen Doe go against big guys before and win. He’s a fighter and shouldn’t be counted out.
VIC WATERS: I cannot believe my ears. Doe’s a fighter? The only thing he’s ever fought for was seconds at a homeless feeding shelter.
BRANDON JACOBS: Hindustani gets back to his feet finally and he walks over to Doe and grabs him by the back of the trunks and yanks him to his feet! Hindustani yanks the tights again and drives his forearm into the lower back of Doe. Doe takes a few steps and Hindustani follows it up with a VICIOUS clothesline to the back of the head! Doe goes down.
VIC WATERS: Doe has a better shot at winning this match if he just stays on the mat.. that way if the platform drops suddenly, Hindustani will be the one catapulted.
JONATHAN MARX: Doe won’t stay down though .. he is a fighter.
BRANDON JACOBS: Hindustani picks up John Doe … and he starts bringing him over to the side of the platform… but Doe puts on the brakes and elbows Hindustani in the midsection.
VIC WATERS: That didn’t work.
BRANDON JACOBS: Hindustani didn’t even blink as he continues to drag Doe closer to the edge … and Doe with another elbow to the midsection. This one breaks the dragging.
VIC WATERS: And that’s not a good thing, Jacobs.
JONATHAN MARX: Hindustani just knocked Doe in the face with a right hook and that could have loosened some teeth!
BRANDON JACOBS: Doe just plopped right down on his derriere … and Hindustani kicks him in the head! Hindustani now takes a hold of the leg .. and drops the elbow on the knee!
VIC WATERS: There’s something about 300 pounds dropping full force on that platform that just doesn’t sit well with me.
BRANDON JACOBS: Hindustani bending the leg now …. GOOD GOD! THE PLATFORM JUST DROPPED ABOUT 10 FEET!
JONATHAN MARX: And just like that the momentum of this match could switch! Hindustani was just thrown back and hit his head on the metal hook holding the rope to the floor of the platform!
VIC WATERS: It looks like he’s cognizant enough to know to hold on to it as the platform slowly sways … but John Doe hardly moved an inch.
JONATHAN MARX: Hindustani definitely took the brunt of that blow as the platform raises back to its previous height.
BRANDON JACOBS: John Doe gets back to his feet and he grabs onto the legs of Hindustani … AND CATAPULTS HIM FROM ONE SIDE OF THE PLATFORM TO THE OTHER…. AND HINDUSTANI ALMOST FLIES OFF THE OTHER END!
JONATHAN MARX: Hindustani grabbed onto the rope on the other side .. and his legs are dangling off the platform!
VIC WATERS: If he gets eliminated right now, I am going to be very angry. I have a lot of money riding on this match.
(They both look at him.)
VIC WATERS: What?
JONATHAN MARX: Nothing…
BRANDON JACOBS: Doe making his way over to the other side of the platform… he drops down and is now trying to pry the fingers of Hindustani off the rope!
VIC WATERS: Just pull his hair and yank him over the top of you! Daddy needs a new pair of shoes!
JONATHAN MARX: Don’t you mean a new liver?
VIC WATERS: My liver is as good as it ever was!
BRANDON JACOBS: He’s got a point there, Jonathan .. he came out of his mother’s womb with a Poland Springs bottle attached to his lips.
VIC WATERS: Water does a body good.
(Takes a swig of Poland Springs…)
JONATHAN MARX: Doe is working on those fingers, but Hindustani’s grip is tight .. and DOE STARTS KICKING AT THE HANDS OF THE INDIAN GIANT.
BRANDON JACOBS: AND HINDUSTANI’s LEFT HAND COMES OFF THE ROPE!! HE IS HOLDING ON WITH ONE HAND NOW!
JONATHAN MARX: All Doe has to do is get that other hand free and … nevermind.
BRANDON JACOBS: Hindustani swung his arm back up and grabbed onto the leg of Doe and tripped him to the mat … and now Hindustani showing a tremendous amount of strength as he pulls himself back onto the platform.
VIC WATERS: Doe needs to take a hint and stay on the mat.
BRANDON JACOBS: Doe is right back on Hindustani as he pulled himself onto the platform as he drives some knees into the side.. Doe with the face of Hindustani .. and he rakes the eyes!
JONATHAN MARX: Doe has Hindustani on his feet as he grabs the wai…. THE PLATFORM FALLS AGAIN! BOTH MEN FALL TO THE MAT AND ROLL TOWARDS THE EDGE!
VIC WATERS: DOE IS ALMOST OFF!! THAT BASTARD! HE JUST GRABBED ONTO HINDUSTANI’s LEG!
BRANDON JACOBS: John Doe has a deathgrip on Hindustani’s leg as his ENTIRE BODY is off the platform! AND NOW HINDUSTANI IS SLOWLY SLIDING TOWARDS THE EDGE!
JONATHAN MARX: I guess .. whoever would hit the mat first would be the loser should they both fall off!
BRANDON JACOBS: And Hindustani grabs onto the ropes …. AND HE’s TRYING TO SHAKE DOE OFF HIM!
VIC WATERS: Shouldn’t Doe be eliminated?! I mean, he’s entirely off the platform!
JONATHAN MARX: He needs to fall to the floor, Vic.
VIC WATERS: Well I’m satisfied as it is.
BRANDON JACOBS: The platform is swinging back and forth as the combined weight of both Doe and Hindustani hanging off the edge is causing an imbalance … AND JOHN DOE IS STARTING TO CLIMB UP THE BODY OF HINDUSTANI!
VIC WATERS: Hindustani is a human being, not a ladder!
BRANDON JACOBS: John Doe reaches the platform.. AND HE JUST MULE KICKED HINDUSTANI IN THE FACE!
JONATHAN MARX: But Hindustani has kept his grip .. and AGAIN pulls himself up! Hindustani, after all that has happened so far, is still able to pull himself onto the platform!
VIC WATERS: I bet Doe just crapped his pants.
BRANDON JACOBS: Both men are on their feet now .. and Hindustani stops Doe in his tracks with a thumb to the eye .. and now he picks him up .. HINDUSTANI WITH A SUPLEX ON THE PLATFORM!
VIC WATERS: Once again .. I just don’t think slamming down all your weight on the wooden platform as high as it is in the air is a good idea.
JONATHAN MARX: Both of these men knew of the possibilities of what could happen when they took this match on, Vic.
VIC WATERS: I know that. I’m just saying .. I know Doe is too stupid to realize that dropping your weight on the platform w/ no bottom support isn’t a good idea. I just thought Hindustani would have been a little more intelligent.
BRANDON JACOBS: Hindustani picks Doe back up … AND HE LOCKS ON A SLEEPERHOLD! Doe is fighting to get out of the hold … but Hindustani has it locked on tight!
VIC WATERS: Nowhere to go but out!
JONATHAN MARX: I’m definitely impressed by Hindustani .. he’s taken a lot of punishment and still has John Doe at his mercy.
BRANDON JACOBS: Doe’s arms are slowly going down as the struggling ends .. and if Hindustani can successfully knock Doe out with this hold … then this match will be over.
JONATHAN MARX: It looks like that will be the case as Doe’s arms drop to his sides… BUT HINDUSTANI TURNS HIS ARM AND CHOKESLAMS DOE TO THE PLATFORM!
BRANDON JACOBS: He calls that move the Annihilation .. and with Doe already being short of breath because of the sleeper .. the chokeslam could have been enough to end this match!
VIC WATERS: Now let’s hope Hindustani is smart enough to dump him over the edge.
BRANDON JACOBS: Hindustani grabs the arm of Doe … and he’s picking him up! Hindustani … he locks on a chokehold!
VIC WATERS: Maybe he is smarter than I thought .. instead of ending this match he’s trying to end Doe’s career!
JONATHAN MARX: This move could backfire, Vic, should Doe get a second wind!
VIC WATERS: That’s a big if, Marx. Doe is out of it. He’s as good as done.
BRANDON JACOBS: Hindustani now picks Doe up by the waist … and he locks on a bear hug in the center of the platform!
JONATHAN MARX: By locking on the bear hug he is squeezing whatever air Doe still has in his lungs. I question his intent on keeping Doe on the platform, because it would seem obvious that he has the best chance he’s had all match to toss Doe to the arena floor.
BRANDON JACOBS: Hindustani is squeezing the life out of Doe.. BUT JOHN DOE BRINGS HIS ARMS UP AND SLAPS THEM AGAINST THE HEAD OF HINDUSTANI! Hindustani keeps the hold locked on .. and now Doe is trying to break free… John Doe has gotten his second wind it seems!
VIC WATERS: Dumbass.
BRANDON JACOBS: John Doe uses his hands … and he is trying to put a chokehold on Hindustan …… AND THERE GOES THE PLATFORM ONCE MORE…. AND BOTH MEN CRASH TO….. OH LORD!
VIC WATERS: You’ve GOT to be kidding me!!
JONATHAN MARX: JOHN DOE JUST DDT’ed HINDUSTANI INTO THE MAT …. AND HINDUSTANI’s HEAD JUST WENT THROUGH THE PLATFORM FLOOR!
BRANDON JACOBS: The momentum of the platform falling combined with the DDT … when Hindustani’s head hit the platform it went straight through .. and if his eyes are open .. he’s staring straight down at the arena floor!
VIC WATERS: This is ridiculous! Hindustani should have thrown Doe off the platform ages ago! If he loses this for me … I’m going to give him a piece of my mind!
JONATHAN MARX: Kick a man when he’s already down, Vic? Sounds like you.
BRANDON JACOBS: Hindustani slowly pulls his head from the hole and rolls onto his back … by god .. there is a hole in the middle of the platform!
JONATHAN MARX: Whatever stability that platform had is now on very shaky ground.
BRANDON JACOBS: John Doe is over in the corner trying to regroup … and Hindustani is still on his back … the platform is hovering about 15 feet over the arena floor and doesn’t look to be going back up.
JONATHAN MARX: I think that’s a wise move .. I don’t think the platform could handle the pressure put on it by being pulled upwards.
VIC WATERS: I knew that all those moves on the platform were a bad idea .. Hindustani probably weakened it when he was throwing his weight around earlier.
BRANDON JACOBS: Hindustani is starting to move … and he is slowly getting to his feet … John Doe sees this and he looks at the hole in the platform before slowly moving towards the Indian Giant….. Doe comes in .. AND HINDUSTANI PUTS UP THE BOOT … BUT DOE DUCKS UNDER IT… Hindustani turns … AND BOTH MEN CLOTHESLINE EACH OTHER!
VIC WATERS: GOOD GOD!
JONATHAN MARX: BOTH MEN FELL TO THE PLATFORM … AND THE PLATFORM SHATTERED IN MID-AIR!! HINDUSTANI HAS FALLEN TO THE ARENA FLOOR BELOW …. AND JOHN DOE IS HOLDING ON FOR DEAR LIFE ON A PIECE OF THE PLATFORM SPINNING AROUND!
VIC WATERS: INSANITY!
BRANDON JACOBS: John Doe losing his grip … AND DOE’s HANDS LET GO AND HE FALLS TO THE ARENA FLOOR RIGHT NEXT TO HINDUSTANI!
(Ding! Ding! Ding!)
RING ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen … the winner of the DEVICE of DEATH …. JOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHNNNNNNN DOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEE!!!
(CUEUP: “Who Said” by Planet Funk. The camera focuses in on both men lying next to each other on the arena floor.)
BRANDON JACOBS: I can’t believe what we just saw! Hindustani had his head planted through the platform… and then the momentum of both men due to the double clothesline caused the platform to shatter into about 3 different pieces!
JONATHAN MARX: Doe got the victory … but at what cost? I just hope there aren’t any long term injuries suffered by either man tonight.
VIC WATERS: I lost my *******ed bet.
BRANDON JACOBS: What a match.