The scene is a VFW Hall somewhere in Louisville. In the middle there stands a lone podium with a spotlight shining on it. Around it are tables with men in suits seated at them. The room is silent until a masked speaker walks to the podium. AS the light shines on his covered face, people begin to politely clap for unmistakeable mask of the Phantom Republican, dressed in a fine, three piece suit.
GOP: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming out to this fundraiser for the local branch of the Republican Party. We've taken a beating in the last few years, but it's not because of loyal people like all you here today. It's because America has been enticed by the Siren's song of handouts, of getting something for nothing. Because we've lost our drive to be self-reliant, we are now stuck with a President and Congress working together to take our debt and exponentially increase it so that even more crack addicts can abuse the food stamp system, so that people who've recklessly gotten AIDS can get free medical treatment, thanks to the moral and hard-working taxpayers.
We're here at this fundraiser to ask you to give money of your own free will to help mount the offensive against federal thievery. We ask you to give your money so that we can stop having our money taken. We're here to ask you to help us rebuild, to make a comeback. Just as I stand before you, right now, in need of rebuilding, in need of a comeback.
You see, I stand before you now a man with a chip on his shoulder, a man whose home fed would rather close than give him another chance to regain what he never lost, a man who saw another fed he wrestled in open and not even send him so much as an invitation to sit in the front row, a man without a contract offer... a man who has to rebuild his shattered career in an open invitational tournament. Here I am, one of the best wrestlers in the entire country, the whole world even, and I am reduced to competing in a tournament where they let such nobodies as... well, the nobodies who lost in the play-in round compete.
And why? Because I was vocal in campaigning for our Republican candidates this past fall. Because I dared campaign for John McCain. The promoters I went to for work, they told me they didn't want any more political gimmicks. They didn't want any more polarizing figures. Unity, they cried. Hope and change. Everyone knows that wrestling is a conservative man's business in the ring, but once you get to the front offices, there are liberals everywhere. It wasn't about not having a polarizing figure on camera. It was about keeping a McCain supporter off camera, letting the fans out there become brainwashed by that illegal alien Obama's message of free money.
So now, I'm here, looking to rebuild my brand, looking to rebuild my name, looking to rebuild our party's stronghold in the squared circle. While I stand here to ask for your money for our party, I don't ask the same for me. All I ask is for your support, your support in this, the 2009 TEAM Invitational Tournament. I ask you to come out en masse and watch me, cheer me as I destroy Biff Busey, a cheap, knock off of a movie character, from the minds of the liberal airheads in Hollywood. I ask you only for your support.
Ladies and gentlemen, it is time to bring conservative morals back to America. We will start here in Louisville, both in our local elections and in the square circle. Thank you and God bless America!
The crowd applauses as GOP gives the Dick Nixon salute. The camera fades to the TEAM logo.
FADE IN - The scene opens with a TEAM logo black backdrop in the background with "The Ultimate High School Jock" Biff Busey and his manager Michael "The Mind" Heenan are standing in front of it. Both are well dressed and look very classy for this appearance. Biff looks pissed off and appears as if he is about to kill somebody. Michael has a look of fright on his face. Not from the Phantom Republican, but scared of Biff Busey and what he might do. His worries quickly come to reality the moment his wrestler opens his mouth.
Biff: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?! I’M FACING THE ENTIRE ****ING GOP REPUBLICAN PARTY!
Biff shakes his head and then grabs the camera, shaking it.
Biff: REPUBLICANS LOST TO OBAMA! ONE GUY BEAT YOU’RE WHOLE ****ING PARTY!
Well, he did have the help of millions and millions of zombie college students who lived and died by his word like he was the ****ing Messiah or something. I am not a Republican or a Democrat. I however am a member of the Green Party. Not because I have a environmentally friendly voting record but because I have lots of green. Green as in money and I have more of it than all of you put together.
Michael: As far as we’re concerned, this match is a conspiracy by a political party of losers trying to gain public attention by making a farce of this tournament. We have royal blood running through our veins! The Republican my man is facing has the blood of losers in his veins because, let’s face it, his party lost big time last November and are continuing to suck on epic levels since then.
Biff: My opponent, if you can call him that, has decided to turn this into a political
debate. Well let me say this. I am not her to lure voters into a political machine and spit out the remaining pieces out of the machine like wood out of a woodchipper. I will not lie to these people and then ultimately suffer from epic fail because my philosophies are those used by the losing faction in the Civil War.
My opponent is nothing but a medieval savage robot clone of Dick Cheney. He comes out and talks about John McCain, a politician so out of it that he is related to James Varga.
YES, YOU HEARD THAT ****ING RIGHT! JOHN MCCAIN IS RELATED TO THAT LITTLE ****! SO THAT MEANS MCCAIN IS **** TOO! YEAH ****! JUST LIKE THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN!
I’m waiting for Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo to come out and endorse this guy.
What a ****ing joke! If I wanted to debate somebody over politics, I would’ve joined the ****ing high school debate club instead of signing up the TEAM Invitational Tournament. What a waste of TiT. If I really wanted to see more TiTs, I would’ve just gone to a strip club instead of facing this guy.
I mean, let me put it this way. My penis has more charisma than this ****er. As for your little political stances…
Michael chimes in with a comment.
Michael: We have no time to waste on such pointlessness. We are here for business, not politics. This is not CNN, CNBC, or the Onion. This is TEAM and we’re here to kick ass.
Biff nods his head in agreement.
Biff: Exactly. But for your stances, you want to clean up this country? Get out all of these illegals who work the system for their own benefit and then you’ll save us from implosion. However, the truth is that you CAN’T save this country or even this world. That is the joke of it all. The joke is that we will inevitably destroy ourselves. That is why there’s no point in debating and politicking. We’re ****ed.
We’ve de-evolved back into a tribal state. People are ****ing nuts and we’re all going to die. That is all anyone needs to know.
He glares at the camera.
Biff: For you fans out there who watched this political trifle that my opponent unleashed, you can just turn on Fox News at any point in the day and hear the same ****ing thing from someone better equipped to explain it than this guy.
However we do agree that this tournament is filled with nobodies. Nobodies and garbage that shouldn’t even be in the same ring with Biff Busey.
I wipe my ass with them. This tournament is basically Biff Busey and all of the characters that appeared in the Star Wars Cantina Scene. I am a technical wrestling God and I’m put in here with a bunch of garbage wrestlers from the indy circuit who make Fantasy Wrestler in NFW look like a ****ing demi-god or something.
That guy is a ****ing joke just like each and everyone of these jackasses who sucks and suffers from more epic fail more than Topher Grace being ****ing Venom in the movie Spider Man 3. What a pathetic waste that was and it’s almost as pathetic as this tournament field. I mean, let’s face it. I’M WRESTLING BILL O’REILLY FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! WHAT A CROCK OF ****!
While my opponent was campaigning, I was stuffing ****ing tools and nerds into lockers and ****ing their girlfriends, IF they had any, in the backseat of my Biffmobile.
OH YEAH! I GAVE THEM A LOAD OF SPIFF UP THEIR ASS!
Although I don’t promote homosexuality like the rest of the tournament roster does, I do condone sex with women. You’ve all never had a woman, so you would not have a clue as to what I am talking about. Neither does McCain. He hasn’t had sex with a woman not named Sarah Palin in the last fifteen years. Then again, he didn’t know Cialis was invented until last fall.
Now for the political gimmicks my opponent was rambling incoherently about in his promo, the organizations don’t do them because they bore the **** out of people. If they wanted to see that **** they could just turn on a ****ing news channel and see it. And HOPE TO GOD some hot chick showing cleavage is the one doing the talking.
Michael nods his head.
Michael: Agreed. Hot chicks make the news go by faster and are better for the scenery too.
Biff: Yes, Michael. Now back to what I was saying. Politics can only get you so far. Bribed officials have ****ed up matches before in the wrestling business and this will not be another one of those. Nobody gives a **** anymore about Obama or McCain.
All they care about now is Biff Busey versus the Phantom Republican. Oh sure, I’m the underdog but only because I just killed the Koopa Troopa after the rankings came out. Republican, the only thing you are going to have rebuilt is your face after I smash it with my fists and feet when we meet in the ring. The costs of your multiple post match surgeries alone will bankrupt your already failing party.
As for me being a cheap knock off of a movie character and being a liberal, you’re wrong on both accounts. And look whose ****ing talking ****head! You’re a cheap knock off of President Whitmore from Independence Day.
OH YEAH! BIFF ****ING BUSEY JUST WENT THERE! YEAH! LOW BLOW! NOW BLOW ME!
Suddenly Biff goes into an uncontrollable rage and Michael quickly tries to get him under control but it fails. Biff pushes him aside and moves toward the camera.
Biff: PREPARE TO BE BIFFERIZED IN THE RING! I’M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS WORSE THAN OBAMA DID MCCAIN IN THE ELECTION PHANTOM O’REILLY WHITMORE JACKASS! YOUR ASS IS GOING TO GET POUNDED WORSE THAN THE CHICK RON JEREMY IS POUNDING IN HIS LATEST VIDEO!
YOUR NIGHTMARE’S JUST BEGUN!
Biff smashes the camera with his fist, leaving static as the scene slowly fades to black.
FADE IN - The scene opens with a TEAM logo in the background as "The Ultimate High School Jock" Biff Busey comes on the screen with a smile on his face. His manager Michael "The Mind" Heenan is soon by his side. Both of them seem very amused by something. It becomes very apparent what as Biff begins to speak, laughing to himself right before he does.
Biff: I see that my opponent has either been campaigning this whole time, caught the swine flu, or is sitting at his home cowering with fear.
I think it’s the latter, to be honest. He’s probably hiding under his bed sucking his thumb and chanting the name of Bush to save him from the destruction he is about to feel. I am going to kick this guy’s ass so bad, he’s never going to be the same. He’ll be hiding his face in shame for years after this beat down.
Michael: You see what we have here is a situation that happened because one man got scared of another man. The Phantom Republican wants nothing to do with Biff Busey. He just wants his fundraiser money from the party he belongs to. All you care about is money. Didn’t you see Dark Knight. It’s not about money. It’s about sending a message.
The Joker said that and he was right. Money isn’t everything. However we sent a message last night. Biff went to DC and had sex with some of your interns. He make them eat spiff and broke them in half with his dick. He’s a sexual predator of
the highest order.
Biff starts getting overly excited and starts yelling at the camera.
Biff: YOU HEAR THAT REPUBLICAN?! I ****ED ALL YOUR INTERNS!
AT THE SAME TIME! I SHISKA-****ED THEM!
THEY ALL GOT SPIFF IN THEIR EYES!
Biff points at the camera.
Biff: And then they told you how big the Biffness of my Stiffness was and you chickened out like the GOP ***** that you are! You’ll only fight if there’s oil
OH SNAP! YOU GOT SERVED, *****!
And you aren’t even in a restaurant either. How sad is that? More sad than me owning you more than the shoe throwing reporter owned your "God" George W. Bush. This match is going to be a piece of cake.
A Busey of the highest order facing off against some guy who has taken his gimmick literally. He’s become a phantom in a tournament full of wrestlers who are talking more than most talk show hosts.
This tournament has turned into a Jerry Springer episode. However my match has turned into a one sided joke that makes me sick to my stomach and violently ill. Why the hell was I even booked against such garbage?
This is beneath Biff Busey, period. I’m better than this. I’m better than a sixth seed. I’m the ULTIMATE seed. In fact, I planted my seed in your mother’s vagina last night. Expect a new sibling in nine months.
Michael: Heed this warning and heed it well. Nobody beats Biff Busey. He is the man that you all came here to see and when he defeats the Phantom Republican, he will be the man that will win this tournament. The man that will **** all of the women in your family and break them in half. He is BIFF BUSEY and you can all worship him now before he kills you.
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