(CUEUP: “No Easy Way Out” by Robert Tepper)<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" /><o></o>
(PROBLEM CHILD's in his mustang: the lights turn on, the engine starts, and he begins a long drive around the block…)<o></o>
(VIDEO MONTAGE: Troy <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comffice:smarttags" /><st1:City><st1lace>Windham</st1lace></st1:City> giving the thumbs up to PC and smiling; Bandit, Alex Wylde, <st1:City><st1lace>Troy</st1lace></st1:City>, and PC inside a caged UWA ring, raising each other’s hands)<o></o>
(V/O): “We’re not indestructible<o></o>
Baby better get that straight<o></o>
I think it’s unbelievable<o></o>
How you give into the hands of fate”<o></o>
(VIDEO MONTAGE: PC in tears holding up the UWA Mid-Western States title; PC making a “jerk-off” hand gesture in front of a little girl and her dad at an ACW show; PC lighting dog sh*t on fire in front of Quentin Sullivan’s office)<o></o>
(V/O): “Some things are worth fighting for<o></o>
Some feelings NEVER die<o></o>
I’m not asking for another chance<o></o>
I just wanna know WHY!”<o></o>
(VIDEO MONTAGE: PC hitting Alex Sommers with A.D.D. in a CSWA ring; PC busting in on his mom having sex with Michael Clarke Duncan from the movie “The Green Mile”; a quick reel of Troy Windham, Alex Wylde, Bandit, and Red-Headed Stepchild all smiling and giving him the thumbs up)<o></o>
(V/O): “There’s no easy way out<o></o>
There’s no shortcut home<o></o>
There’s no easy way out<o></o>
Givin’ in can’t be wrong!”<o></o>
(CUTTO: A jet plane landing at an airport in <st1lace><st1:City>Siberia</st1:City>, <st1:country-region>Russia</st1:country-region></st1lace>)<o></o>
(CUEUP: “Hearts On Fire” by John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band)<o></o>
(CUTTO: A log cabin in the middle of nowhere)<o></o>
(CUTTO: PC jogging through the snow in combat boots)<o></o>
(CUTTO: PC chopping wood blocks with an axe)<o></o>
(V/O): “Silent darkness creeps into your soul<o></o>
And removes the light of self-control<o></o>
The cave that holds you captive holds you captive has no doors<o></o>
Burnin’ with determination<o></o>
To even up the score”<o></o>
(CUTTO: PC doing pull-ups from the top of his cabin bunk bed. JIMMY MYLDE is holding his legs as he does them)<o></o>
(CUTTO: PC doing sit-ups; MYLDE slaps his abs as he gets up each time)<o></o>
(CUTTO: PC marching through the snow with a piece of plywood held over both shoulders; one of his feet sink into the snow, but he holds the plywood up nonetheless) <o></o>
(CUTTO: PC rips a picture of JARED WELLS from his mirror and crumples it up; camera zooms in on PC staring in his own reflection’s eyes)<o></o>
(V/O): “Hearts on fire<o></o>
Rages deep within<o></o>
Hearts on fire<o></o>
Fever’s rising high<o></o>
The moment of truth draws near”<o></o>
(CUTTO: PC running through the snow as the Russian authorities trail him in a car; he decides to cut a quick corner, causing the car to trail off the side of the road. One of the Russian cops gets out of the car and tries to run after him, but PC is too fast!)<o></o>
(CUTTO: PC running up a snowy mountain as the camera pans out and circles)<o></o>
(As this happens, the guitar solo begins, and back to the chorus)<o></o>
(V/O): “Hearts on fire<o></o>
Rages deep within<o></o>
Hearts on fire<o></o>
Fever’s rising high<o></o>
The moment of truth is here!<o></o>
(CUTTO: PC runs and claws himself to reach the top of the mountain)<o></o>
(CUTTO: PC REACHES the top of the mountain)<o></o>
(CUTTO: At the mountain’s summit, PC raises his arms in victory as the camera pans out and around him in a circle)<o></o>
(V/O: ....What makes life worth living is knowing that one day you'll wake up and find the person that makes you happier than anything in the whole world. So don't ever lose hope and give up, everything turns out okay and the good guy always wins..........
Only problem with that is......Jared Wells doesn't believe a word I say)
(CUEUP: The Ghost Of Tom Joad by Rage Against The Machine)
(CUTTO WWL FOOTAGE 1997: Rage 'o Fire Jared Wells winning his third WWL world title celebrating with Sean Edmunds)
RAGE 'o FIRE JW (1997): "Third times a charm and I did it for all my fans out there! Thank you so much I love you all!"
(CUTTO WFW FOOTAGE March 2004: Anarky, Jared Wells, Felix Red, Psycho form L.O.V.E aka Liars, Opressors, and Violence Experience making Jared Wells a villain for the first time in his career)
JARED WELLS (March 2004): "Rage 'o Fire has died tonight. The constant puppeteering of my career will end tonight. Guys like Michael Manson coming out here dressed up lookin' like Captain Crunch. Grip that pez dispenser just a bit harder and I dare you to reload it with your butt cheeks"
(CUTTO WFW FOOTAGE April 2004: Jared Wells wins the B.A.D World Heavyweight Title at The Superbowl Of Wrestling)
JARED WELLS (March 2004): "What does this title mean to me? What it means is that Jared Wells will take this title and make it mean something like it did at one time. Guys like Doc Silver, Shawn Hart, Rat Fink, Minion, you all turned this title into a Chuck E Cheese Skee-Ball title. A historic title turned into simplicity. I'm here to tell you F(BLEEP)KS that I will be the greatest B.A.D World Champion you've ever seen"
(CUTTO WFW FOOTAGE 2004-2007: Jared Wells defending the title against all in the WFW)
JARED WELLS (2006): "Been champion now for two years and it just so happens that the biggest Pay Per View of the year WFW Superbowl Of Wrestling is right around the corner. Maelstrom picked up his ball like the little tool bag he is and went home"
(CUTTO last WFW footage of SUPERBOWL OF WRESTLING 2007)
(RATM stops as a piano intro plays...)
(V/O: Jared Wells who held the B.A.D World Title for three years lost to Steve Johnson. Soon after Jared Wells issues a statement he is coming after the WFW World Title. WFW would close its doors as it sideswiped the legacy of Jared Wells. He would disappear out of the spotlight all together until late 2008 in EPW forming The Anthology with Cameron Cruise, Larry Tact, and Shawn Hart. And of course, what happened to Steve Johnson? Well, he was only seen that night winning the title. After that, he was easily considered the worst B.A.D World Champion of all time. And yes, Jared Wells made me say that.....)
(FADEIN to the condo complex of JARED WELLS as the camera pans around the living room as you see classic titles hanging. WWL World Title, WWL TRI AM Title, WWL TV Title, and WFW/BAD World Title. Jared is sitting at his personal bar wearing the classic JW attire which includes the sandals, jeans, and black sleeveless Anthology tee with the "DADDY" logo on it. Chilling like always drinking his Captain n Coke. Also spotted in the scene is his new EPW World Tag Team Title resting in his lap)
JARED WELLS (TODAY): Jesus H Christ, what a night. Showed up to this party last night all DANGLE-LICIOUS and all. I mean, daddy had it going on. Kegs, good times, good friends, Anthology, fans of daddy, and of course beautiful women everywhere. Larry Tact and Shawn Hart were at the tables owning beer pong. There was an upstairs party going on as well so I asked the EPW Intercontinental Champ Cruise to head up with me to check it out. You name it, we saw everything. Strippers, drugs, booze and butt hole. As myself and Cruise toured the huge upstairs we decided we've seen enough and decided to head back down. Now this is where the fun begins. The Champ and myself approach the staircase as this five foot - seven inch BUSTY D brunette stumbles up towards the stairs. Believe it or not she has a drink in her hand and completely F(BLEEP)KED up. There was only one thing I had to say to Cruise, "SHE'S ALL MINE". Now I tell you this girl was HOT! F(BLEEP)KING HOT! She gets to the top of the steps leaning onto the right side of the way noticing The Champ Cruise and daddy. If there is one thing that Jared Wells loves, it's DOUBLE D'S. But man, once she started talking I was ready to punch this B(BLEEP)TCH in the mouth. She screams "WHERE IS THE BATHROOM?" I can't believe this B(BLEEP)TCH said that. Of course Cruise thinks this is hilarious because he knows I was hunting for sexy time. She yells once more "WHERE IS THE BATHROOM?" Cruise looked over at me and said "What would the DANGLE BROTHERS do?"
I sat there and asked myself the same question. WHAT WOULD THE DANGLE BROTHERS DO? For all you internet geeks out there, the Dangle Brothers is what they call Jared Wells & Cameron Cruise at night time.
The light bulb click into my head. I looked at this B(BLEEP)TCH and said "YOU ARE IN THE BATHROOM"
Once she got that hot line, the pants came off fast. Now both of us were a bit confused because we are thinking she has to take a number one or throw up. WRONG. WRONG. From here everything went down hill.....
(CUTTO a distorted clip of a girl undressing her pants and leaning against the wall with her butt as if she was sitting on a seat, but standing up)
(CUTTO an extreme close up of Jared Wells grinding his teeth in disbelief with a 15 second pause)
...........She S(BLEEP)T on the wall. Do I need to say anymore?
And all you people out there have many feelings about me telling this story right?
I don't give a damn. Been doing my thing for fifteen years, and who's to tell me any other way?
(Sarcastic voice as if he was in an AA meeting)
My name is Jared Wells and I have a Problem Child.
Between a gorgeous girl taking a dump on the wall and joining this TEAM Invitational facing somebody named "PROBLEM CHILD" is equally bad.
Kid, what I'm simply going to do is run rampant through your bag looking for the condoms in your house. One by one I'm going to puncture each of these little IDDY BIDDY rubbers with a needle over and over again. When the time comes for you to use one, I'll be sitting in your closet watching you and some random mullet female named Bobby-Jo. The entire two minutes of your life changes after a single pop. After hanging out with daddy you'll have more paternity suits than myself. And I'm being serious.
I CAN SEE IT RIGHT NOW! After Jared Wells embarrasses the so called "PROBLEM" Child, your Twitter status will read the day after.....
PROBLEM CHILD is playing strip monopoly with a Russian sailor.....a midget called Greg, and oh yeah Jimmy Mylde.
Beyond being a cult icon, a folk hero, and LEGEND........
you don't deserve a shot at Jared Wells nor headlining with me. Every "PROBLEM CHILD" needs a "DADDY" in their life and when the time comes, I will ground you bad, cheat on your mother, and never pay child support again. When you grow up, and realize the "PROBLEM", Trojan will send you a copy of your birth certificate, claiming they F(BLEEP)KED up.
(FADEIN: Walking along the beach with a metal detector is PROBLEM CHILD, stumbling in the sand with his untied combat boots. He's wearing a Slayer t-shirt that's cutoff at the shoulders and black swim trunks. Flies are buzzing around his rat-tailed mullet as he digs with his hands only to find nickels in the sand. Suddenly, the metal detector starts going CRAZY, beeping like a motherf*cker. PC stops, circles around, goes to his left, goes to his right, finally standing over the hot spot. He tossed the metal detector aside and begins digging feverishly with his hands)
PC: Come on baby, come ONNNN BABY! Please be my winning ticket...! (pulls something from the sand...) GOTCHA!
(To his surprise, and ultimately his dismay, PC has dug up Jared Wells' old WWL World Title! By the looks of it, the thing had been buried for quite a long time)
PC: What in the hell? Why Jared, lookie lookie what I found! It's the greatest championship belt of them ALL...the WWL World Title! Holy mother of God, I'm RICH! (straps the belt around his waist) Damn, and for a second I thought you had me beat on the highlight reels! This is one for the record books, g*ddamn it!
Except the problem is, Wellsy...this piece of junk ain't worth the golden virginal peach fuzz clippings off Miley Cyrus' cooter! And how would I know this? Because I already tried cashing in your BAD World Title, and that ain't worth sh*t either! (shakes the metal detector) I'd trade this f*cker in if it weren't for the fact it led me to the WWL's certificate of ownership plus the keys to the main office. That's right Jared, I am now the legal owner of the WWL, and my first act as head honcho is to strike from the record books all three of your title reigns. There...now you don't have ANY cool titles. How ya like them apples, Daddy?
(Walking down the beach in Wells' WWL Title)
Honestly big man, I really do sympathize with you for drawing me first round. But really, what the hell do you want me to do about it? Sh*t on your wall? Would that make you feel better? Cause it'd also make you three dollars poorer...PC don't work those kinda shows for free, pally, and wall sh*tting just happens to be my grand finale!
Leaving New York City for the beaches of California though, believe-you-me, was the best decision I ever made! (reaches over his collar to itch his chest; smells his hand) Too many dirtbags and weirdos roaming around, know what I mean? No place for a wrestling anti-star such as myself. Hanging around here, training at the BND complex, harrassing the rent-a-waitress on Jimmy Mylde's yacht, throwin' down in NF-Dub, rubbin' shoulders with all-stars like Biff Busey and the Hateful Historian, competing in fancy schmancy grand prix wrestling tournaments like TEAM...it just doesn't get any better than this!
(Two hot bikini babes running down the beach Baywatch-style pass by PC and stop to backtrack. They walk over to him excitedly)
GIRLS: Oh my God! OMG! It's Jared WELLS! DADDDDDYYY!!!!
PC: No girls, I'm not Jared Wells...I just wear his championship belt! (Rips off the belt and holds it up for them to see)
GIRLS: OMG! You're not DADDY! Let's get out of here! (They look at PC with disgusted faces and leave running)
PC: SO LONG!
(Looks down at the WWL World Title, hocks a loogie, spits on it, and flings it into the shore)
PC: So as you can see Jared, life is just peachy round these parts. How 'bout you? What have the Dangle Brothers been up to lately? You know, I actually have a bone to pick with you. Right before I made my return to the ring, I had heard about the infamous Dangle Brothers and decided to seek you guys out. That's right JW, I too wanted to be a part of the Dangle Brothers...make it a trifecta! So I picked up the yellow pages and looked up Dangle Brothers, and it told me you guys appeared at a club located on West 42nd street every Saturday night. Well look...it just happened to be Saturday, and I had nothing better to do. An hour and a half later, I arrived at the building. As I approached the front door, I asked the attendant, "Hey, are the Dangle Brothers in tonight?" Lo and behold, he told me the Dangle Brothers were hanging out on stage RIGHT NOW! So Jared, I paid the guy the $15 cover charge, went inside, club music thumping through my ear drums, I rushed to the front of the stage, and what did I see?
SOME DUDE IN A F*CKING CONSTRUCTION WORKERS' OUTFIT DOING THE HARLEM SHAKE IN A LEOPARD PRINT THONG, SQUEEZING HIS BUTT CHEEKS WITH A POLE LODGED BETWEEN THEM!
F*CK, man! I said to the dude on stage, "what the hell is going on here? Are you the one they call Daddy?" He said he's a lot of people's daddies and asked if I needed one. What did I do? You KNOW what I did... I rushed up there on stage, threw a spinning elbow at him, and picked the guy up to deliver my patented A.D.D., which for the retards out there who don't already know, it's a spinning tombstone piledriver. So I pick him up for the big drop, and whaddya know, the Dangle Brothers are staring me right in the face! Dude, not to sound gay or anything, but his balls smelled like Play-Doh sprayed with Armani Code. I held my breathe, hit him with the A.D.D., spit on him, and then got my ass beat by a team of angry homosexual bouncers.
Needless to say, I'm not going back to THAT ESTABLISHMENT ever again! Who needs that kind of pressure in their life? "Spooners" may be a high class gay strip club, but it's just not my style. My only concern right now is you, Jared Wells. That's right JW, I'm comin' after YOU and in a big way!
See this TEAM tournament is my ticket to the hall of fame. One day I want to see the look on the faces of Hornet, Dan Ryan, GUNS, Mike Randalls, and Shane Southern when they have to stand next to me, the Problem Child, the ANTI-STAR, THE SH*T, and realize we're sharing the same company. Dude, you think I'm doing this for my own self-aggrandizement? F*ck no, I just wanna embarrass the sh*t out of those other guys!
What you don't realize about me Daddy Jared, is that I'm like the 7 Year Itch; I'm the rash that never goes away no matter how bad you scratch it. I'm the crab that sticks to your leg after you got rid of the other ones by shaving your pubes off. Hell yeah dude, I'M THAT GUY! You may even beat me down for most of our match, but what you'll find in me, is that I bleed, I stumble, I wobble...but I never fall down. Nobody puts ME OUT. You don't know me Jared, you don't WANNA KNOW ME, Jared. I may not have enough pending paternity suits to be as cool as you are, but I got a mean arsenal! Yeah, gonna unleash that sh*t on you like the hounds of hell, Big Daddy!
And while I have your attention, you better GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT! PC does NOT wear condoms! So poke holes in 'em all you like Dangle, 'cause when I've got Bobby Jo between the sheets she likes it RAW!
Also, as is my standard, I'd just like to say.... I'M THE SH*T!
(CUEUP to a piano version of The Day That Never Comes)
(Camera completely goes black as the voice of television journalist Bill Kurtis)
BILL KURTIS V/O: As the true object of education is not to render the pupil the mere copy of his preceptor, it is rather to be rejoiced in, than lamented, that various reading should lead him into new trains of thinking.
(Camera opens up to the setting Jared Wells home in Baltimore Maryland which is the home to EPW Wrestleverse III. He is sitting at his pool bar having himself a drink wearing sandals, jeans, black cut off 'ANTHOLOGY' tee shirt, hair spiked/styled up, and sunburned to hell. One half of the EPW tag titles is resting in his lap)
JARED WELLS: For many people, God is just Daddy with a mask on. Then there is Problem Child.
(Jared then grins)
You talk about embarrassing others yet a grown man walks around town with a mullet named Problem Child? The idea of you mocking a past world title reign, and simply knowing you were walking into the gay bar was quite enlightening?
Your throwback 1980's workout was just genius. Alex Wylde.........I mean Jimmy Mylde holding your legs licking his lips as your doing pull ups. After a nice 1985 workout, both you and Wylde............DAMNIT I mean Mylde cuddle up in a sleeping bag combing each others hair talking about what else to rip off. A good nights rest Wylde........F(BLEEP)K! I mean Mylde wakes you up with the smell of urine throughout the BND headquarters. He goes ahead and makes the biggest pot of coffee for the both of you while you wonder why BND headquarters smells of piss. Alex Wylde, AAARRRRGG. Jimmy Mylde the secret urophilia that he is really wants to tell you he is aroused by the sight, touch, or smell of urine.
You trying to one up me is very cute. Your the Seven Year Itch, the rash that never goes away? I'm the mother F(BLEEP)KER who is HIV positive who would deliberately transmit the virus to any vagina talking. While I'm doing this illegal act, I'm going to give it to her doggy style and at the same time insert my finger in her A(BLEEP)HOLE. Once Daddy pulls his finger out I'm going to wipe my finger across her upper lip leaving a thin mustache. I'm going to rename the Dirty Sanchez to The Problem Child.
You really think one day they are going to look back and say WOW LOOK AT THIS HALL OF FAME CLASS!
Problem Child? That would be like me sticking my tongue in Oprah's ass. It's never going to happen.
Once the first round is over, come second round I won't even mention your name because you have no credibility or value to me. Fifteen years Jared Wells broke the rules and made his own credibility and in this TEAM invitational, whether your a "CHILD" or legend, they'll all jump aboard. Beyond giving every single female the "DUTCH OVEN", Jared Wells time has come and TEAM did the right thing with signing me. While your already predicting the future, I'm inventing it. My career consisted over fifteen years of excellence, while yours was made up over a cup a coffee and tea bags.
You've survived abortion. And that's about it in life.
(Jared then imitates Problem Child's voice)
"Early 2002, I found an old photo of myself. Reminiscing the classic hair that once rocked the incredible world of the 80's music scene, I decided it was time to bring it all back. Of course, many of my friends persuaded me not to do it, that doing so would only bring ridicule. I was right."
(FADEIN: Strolling down a California boardwalk, next to couples, next to teenagers, next to families and their dogs...is PROBLEM CHILD. The collar of his NO-FX shirt is slightly torn, and people are staring at him while he wanders back and forth like an unshowered fiend. He's sweating profusely, wiping liquid secretion from the top of his spiked mullet onto his cut-off jean shorts. The camera's in front of him as he speaks)
PC: FIRST OFF, before I say anything match-related to Cameron Cruise's boyfriend, I DEMAND that Jared Wells stop ripping pictures off my MySpace page! G*ddamn it Jared, it's bad enough what you do to all those poor girls out there who were dumb enough to accept your friend request, but PC refuses to be a victim of harrassment! Does Cameron know you look at me shirtless, or is that all a part of the fantasy?
Jared, buddy, pal...watching your promos is kind of like watching a NASCAR race. You go round and round in circles, and people only notice when you crash and burn. Hey, let's say I do everybody the favor and Earnhardt your ass at TEAM? How 'bout it Wells?
Now just to clear the air here, does PC REALLY THINK he's in the same class as Hornet, Dan Ryan, and Mike Randalls? HELL NO...I'm BETTER than those guys! In fact, Hornet if you're watching this, Randalls you too...I DARE you both to get in the ring with me! That's right, I'm not content enough with beating on Wells, I want all three of you! (Puts fists up in an old-school underfist boxing stance) Come on, show me whatcha got!
Ya know, call me crazy, but I'm starting to get the feeling that people around here are underestimating me. And as much as I'd like to keep this a p*ssing contest of "you're gayer than me" and "I have sex with more girls than YOU DO!" a.k.a. your average run of the mill Jared Wells promo, there's too much at stake here to get bogged down in the shock value.
Yes Jared, I know, you're not a latent homosexual but a big bad stud who has lots and lots of sex with girls. Yes Jared, I know you've performed a shopping list's worth of Urban Dictionary terms on Girls Gone Wild green room rejects. Of course Jared, we all know...if I'm a hypothetical fever itch, you're a hypothetical HIV stricken-wait, wait a minute...that doesn't sound right! You sure about that one, Rage O' Fire? Well sh*t, I hope you'd have the common damn courtesy to wear a Trojan Ultra-thin for Cammy Cruise's benefit, or at LEAST be kind enough to wipe your d*ck on his "No Ma'am" t-shirt. Shyyyiiit, Rage O' Fire indeed!
It's funny, but for the first time in my career I feel like my presence in the ring could be of some value to society. 'Cause to be honest, ridding this sport of a tacky-ass aging velcro hipster such as yourself would be a f*cking public service. Of course, there are some that would LOVE to see you do the same to me, but if I'm a cancer to wrestling then I'm calling your bluff Jared. I don't think you got the scalpels big enough to deal with me, man!
Make no mistake, there is a ton of pressure going into this match...on you, that is. That's right Jared, you have no choice but to beat me. After all, I'm just a silly sideshow with a bad haircut and a stupid name. I've been out of this sport for years! Probably all rusty and sh*t, don't you think? I'm a JOKE! But YOU Jared...you're out there making challenges to World Champions in other organizations, running with a group of mid-carders dressing themselves up as the "next big thing." The early rounds of this tournament are gonna be like Game 7 for you, Wells. That's what being a number two seed is all about. You wanted the hype? You wanted the expectations? F*ck it, here you go! Run with the ball little boy, go ahead, RUN Forrest RUN! But you can't! And that's really the cruelest joke of all. YOU...CAN'T...RUN. We've seen it on replay a thousand times, you'll just fumble that sh*t and watch it returned to the end zone!
...and BAM! That's where I come in! Yeah, Problem Child, the bad joke himself, he's hovering around, waiting for you to f*ck it up like you always do...swimming around like a shark, and I'M the one who picks the ball up! I'M the one who returns that sh*t! And while you're standing around with your palms to the sky asking "How did this happen?", I'm already in the next game, looking to steal the ball from another jabronie who's stock is higher than his worth!
Where oh where do you go from there, little hair? You go nowhere, that's where. Back to whence you came, surrounded with a vibe weirder than that homo-erotic piss fantasy you kept talking about. Sh*tting on walls, peeing on people...man Wells, what the hell is wrong with you anyway? Do I sense a theme here? I thought I was supposed to be the sc*mbag here; you trying to pull a fast one on me or something?
I'm standing in front of you Wells. I'm spitting in your face Wells. I'm saying "f*ck you" Wells. I p*ss on your legacy Wells, if you've even got one. I'm looking to steal one from you, cause I'm a joke but I'm also a thief. So whatcha got for me? (laughs)
Tell you what though man, PC is up in your face with something horrible. You don't need in me in your life, you don't want me in your life. And if all you've got to say is "Mylde equals Wylde" then I'm afraid the joke's on you.
Just like everybody else in this tournament, you've got but one lesson to learn. P-C-IS-THE-SH*T! And I'm about to graduate your ass with honors.
(Camera opens up to Jared Wells wearing the sandals, jeans, black cut off 'Anthology' tee shirt. Grabbing his bags along with one half of the EPW tag title, he is heading out to EPW Wrestleverse III. All of the sudden he just drops everything and looks at the wall)
JARED WELLS: Jared Wells is an inconsiderate, arrogant, uncaring, selfish, borderline sadistic bastard who could tempt the Pope into a fight. In fact, I can temp anybody into a fight. This is the finest moment for it.
How about it? Comparing me to NASCAR, round and round in circles we go. The only one who crashed and burned was a one Dale Earnhardt. His prick son should be next, and Problem Child will follow. Daddy hates NASCAR. NASCAR is purely about going in a oval, turning left for about a hundred laps, while wasting gas on their V-8s. I'm sorry, but I would rather watch competetive elephant ejaculation than a NASCAR race.
You spit and piss in my face because you need to. You keep comparing yourself to this or that, but I'm sure after awhile somebody will believe you someday. The joke you created is on the marquee, in your head, your mouth, and in your hand. As invincible as you think you are, stuck, this goes over and beyond the line of dullness. You've wasted all your time, and everyone else's pretending to be something way better than you truly are.
Daddy feels no pressure what so ever facing Problem Child. In fact, sitting back watching a real live hypocrite trying his best to jump aboard the social ladder, generally sucking ass to life is hilarious. Jared Wells has done his job. A simple slap across in the face, a punch in the D(BLEE)K, shanked your pants, and all of the sudden I finally have your attention now don't I? Your not out here saying "DUDE" are 'YA? Slipping fast you are, down with your own ship.
I've used the word abortion many of times and of course government has tried before against me, but in Kentucky I will kill the "CHILD" before it becomes an inconvience and a payment. But before I do that, I will run through Freedom Hall in Louisville telling the locals that Daddy is a doctor and that everything is going to be fine. I will get rid of the "PROBLEM" by scrambling his brains, then suck his ass out of the Freedom Hall with a vacuum. Once the deed is done, I'm going to jump out the ring, into the crowd and slap the S(BLEEP)T out of all the pro life protestors hoping they are all females.
What's left of you, I'm going to grab you by that beaver paddle you call hairstyle, and stick your hopeless child ass in a Victoria Secret box, wrap it up nice and send you back up to the NFW. When you arrive backstage, and everybody is standing around this package excited, you bust on out disappointing everyone.
Go ahead and explain to them that you were so close. Explain to them that you failed to stick your D(BLEEP)K in the tailpipe of a car. Explain to the NFW that your mullet is still edgy and doesn't effect your sexuality nor your credibility there. Whoever is left standing backstage that cares about any Problem Child, gather them up one by one in a huddle. Hold hands, blow them all kisses and send the message of....
Jared Wells says "F(BLEEP)K YOU."
Graduate my ass with honors?
A simple high school diploma is four years.
Your G.E.D is six hours in four years.
Jared Wells destroying your moral and pride is minutes.
(FADEIN: Standing inside an empty classroom is PROBLEM CHILD. With a piece of chalk in his hand, he finishes writing on the board)
PC: ...and that concludes Chapter 3 of the 'Jared Wells Manual on How to Cut a Promo'. In the next chapter, we'll cover mandatory abortion references, STDs and their shock value, pseudo studliness, and how to be incoherent. (tosses the chalk to the floor)
Whaddya think Jared, am I any good? Maybe the next class I teach will be the 'Jared Wells Manual on How NOT to Wrestle' where I divulge all those strategies that got you NOWHERE. Or how about a crash course on 'Jared Wells' guide to...' (wraps hands around his neck) 'Ch-Ch-Ch-CHOKING'.
For a number two seed, Jared, you sure sound like a defeated man...NO! a desperate man. Jared, you do...you sound desperate, scared, and it's very unbecoming of you. Sh*t, I liked ya better DUDE when you were one half of the ambiguously gay dangle brothers, talkin' about all the poontang you get, like you're trying to convince me you're not a virgin and stuff.
But this version of Jared Wells? Sounds like he's soon to be put to steppin' by a 34 year old 'just came out of retirement' Problem Child in a f*ckin' cool ass mullet. (laughs) My man, you sound like you really need this win or something. F*ck dude, you can HAVE the pin, seriously. You think I give a f*ck about this tournament? ...
Nah, I'm just kidding, you seriously can't have the pin. And Jared? That right there is the CLOSEST you're ever gonna come to beating me, not just in wrestling but in ANYTHING. I'll beat you in the ring, I'll beat you at checkers, I'll beat you at Candyland, I'll beat you at Solitaire, I'll beat you at rock/paper/scissors, I'll even beat you at Sudoku. What's Sudoku? No f*ckin' clue, but I'll wipe the floor with you in it. Why? Because I'm PC, and you're Jared Wells. Because I'm PC, and I'm the SH*T.
You don't feel pressure, Wells? You better start feeling some...better light a fire under your ass or something, maybe a Rage O' Fire, I don't know, cause it won't be long before your big dumb self gets FIRSTED by somebody most people don't even remember.
I, however, am very sympathetic to your plight. The one big similarity between us, after all, is that professionally we're both exactly where we were 10 years ago. The difference? I haven't wrestled in 10 years. And that's no joke!
This was your chance to get an easy pass on a jokester, a huckster, a sideshow...ME. A rusty Problem Child, eh? But the more I listen to you talk, the more confidence I gain. The more I KNOW I'm right inside your head, and that's MY RING! And that's saying something, cause I can't listen to you talk for very long. Man, you lost me somewhere around NASCAR. G*ddamn it Wells, I compared you to a NASCAR crash...I didn't ask for a f*cking dissertation on the Earnhardt family! SHYYIT, man!
Whether you're stuck in first gear, last gear, too bedazzled by my awesome mullet, or contemplating your life's role as "Standard Cameron Cruise Run-In Decoy", you still have to face me all the same.
And what am I? 34 and dirty and I just don't give a sh*t. What am I? Nothing to lose, with the skills to first you the f*ck out of this tournament.
(Flips the black board and points at two underlined words...)
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