Welcome to FWrestling.com!

You've come to the longest running fantasy wrestling website. Since 1994, we've been hosting top quality fantasy wrestling and e-wrestling content.

SINGLED OUT: LOTB FIRST ROUND- General Mayhem v. Hoss Garrison

Yori Yakamo jr

League Member
Joined
Jun 4, 2005
Messages
161
Points
0
Age
39
Location
Nutmeg State
This is a first round match in the 2007 Lord of the Boards Tournament. The winner faces Jeffrey Roberts in the semifinals at Wednesday Night Warriors.

Promos go here.

Promo Deadline is August 3rd at 11:59 PM
 

LondonBoy

League Member
Joined
Jun 30, 2007
Messages
13
Points
0
Age
39
Location
London, Great Britain
TEN SHUN!

Your General apologises for the delay in the latest lecture, but he has been sidetracked by ungrateful Afghan parents who have been infected by American culture and wish to sue him. This is extremely irritating, as it forces your General to deal with nauseating lawyers who rant and rave about "HUMAN RIGHTS" and "DOING THINGS BY THE BOOK". The only human right that concerns your General is the right to be moulded into a MAN! As for rules and regulations, these are things that hamper swift and correct action, which is deadly when faced with an enemy. The stone throwing kid of today that gets away with it will turn into the AK wielding terrorist of tomorrow! As such your General ignores all bureaucratic directives!

Now then, following my victory over the cowardly thieving Petey Esdee, I am faced with another life to turn around. A self-described redneck who calls himself Hoss Garrison.

Your General has mixed feelings about "rednecks". On the one hand they are willing to defend one's country and one's freedoms and are trained in the use of weapons. This will make my job easier.

But on the other hand, they are also known to be drunkards and women beaters. Your General will address these issues.

Your General views alcohol as a neutral substance, and recognises that humans are the problem. Being drunk in the face of the enemy is unacceptable, as is vomiting during firing practice. Your General is ready to stamp out any alcohol abuse by Hoss Garrison.

Then we have women beating. Your General understands that women can be annoying, and extremely demanding. But they give birth to the future soldiers, captains, lieutenants, Generals and Field Marshals. As such, any mistreatment of them will not be tolerated by your General!

DISMISSED!
 

TH

New member
Joined
Jun 18, 2004
Messages
2,953
Points
0
Age
39
Location
Philadelphia
Website
wallsofjerichoholic.blogspot.com
The scene is a soundstage with an MBE Lord of the Boards backdrop. Crack reporter Biff Bentley is standing by with one-half of the MBE Tag Team Champions, Hoss Garrison, wearing jean shorts, a sleeveless Stars 'n Bars t-shirt and his MBE Tag Team Championship belt slung over his shoulder.

BB: Alright, I'm here with Hoss Garrison, fresh off a brutal but successful defense of his MBE Tag Team Championships against the Lot. As a result of that match, his partner, Jake McCody, is not here this week. Hoss, could you give us an update on your partner?

Hoss: Well Biff, Hoss is laid up at home, drinkin' his vitamin water and lettin' his bones heal up so's we can go back to dominatin' the tag team division here in MBE after I win this tournament. He ain't here in body, but he's gon' be here in spirit, especially since he believes in all that voodoo bullcrap an' such. Hell, after the display he done put out last week, I'd believe him if he said he could use the Force. Me and him showed what it's like to be a tag team this week, just like this week, I'ma gon' show how to GIT 'R DONE! in singles competition, Lord of the Boards, babe!

BB: Speaking of Lord of the Boards, Hoss, you were the only competitor not to put up a "campaign piece" for last week's show. Why was that?

Hoss: What, are you blind and deaf, son? I was preparin' for that WAR we done had wit' them English faggits for the Tag Team Titles last week! I mean, you just asked me 'bout that match! You saw how dang bloody that match was. I ain't had no time to prepare for it or nothin'! Besides, votin' is for fairies and queers anyway.

BB: Excuse me?

Hoss: You heard me. All them pansies, oilin' themselves up and gettin' on camera to ask people to "vote" for them like this was some election or somethin'. Even if it was... man, I ain't never voted in my entire life. It's for all them liberal pantywaists to get their assholes all wadded up 'bout things that don't concern me, or for veterans of foreign wars to use as a reason why they's gotta go overseas and fight. Tell ya the truth, I don't need to protect no right to vote for a guy that I ain't never gonna know and who I can't never trust to get into office to go and fight. I don't need no reason to kick raghead ass over there in Afghanistan, and I don't need no reason to kick ass over here. This ain't no votin' contest! This is an ass-kickin' contest, and compared to me, everyone else in this tournament's only got one leg!

BB: How a propos you bring up war...

Hoss: Apro what now?

BB: A propos... it's a French phrase meaning "appropriate."

Hoss: Hey, we're in AMERICA! Speak American! Ain't no one gonna talk Frenchie to me and get away wit' it!

BB: sighs Fine. How appropriate you bring up war, since your opponent is a self-proclaimed General.

Hoss: Yeah yeah, I done heard him, talkin' like he's George Patton or somethin', and you know what? I dig what he's gotta say, at least I did in the beginning. He's a guy who should be on the front lines, killin' Ay-rabs and defendin' our freedom. But he done lost me when he started talkin' 'bout rednecks like he's one of us, like he's tryin' to be funny, like he's Jeff Foxworthy. Y'know somethin'? Jeff Foxworthy is funny 'cuz he knows what it's like. I'm tellin' ya, I gots all his DVDs, whoo-wee! It's a dang laugh riot every time. But when this guy starts shootin' off at the mouth, well, that's what gits my blood boilin'. See, I may talk like a redneck. I may drink like a redneck on Saturday night when I ain't in the ring defendin' this. pats the title But you can damn sure that the only people I beat on ain't women unless a woman decides she wants to get in the ring and tussle with someone she should be cookin' flapjacks for. I beat guys like General Mayhem, and I beat 'em good. I take 'em down at least two pegs, and then when they think they done got enough, I shove my boot so far up their ass that they can taste my sole!

General Mayhem, you oughtta not quit yer dayjob for bein' a comic. You probably shoulda never quit it to become a 'rassler either, because come SINGLED OUT, I'm gonna GIT... 'R... DONE... all over yer sorry ass!

BB: Alright, that was Hoss Garrison. We'll be back after this.

[Fade to the MBE logo.]
 

LondonBoy

League Member
Joined
Jun 30, 2007
Messages
13
Points
0
Age
39
Location
London, Great Britain
TEN SHUN!

It appears that Hoss Garrison is in a far worse condition than your General originally thought. Not only is he taking pride in a T-shirt symbolising civil war, which undermines the ability of a nation to defend itself against other countries, but he is lacking in education and a proper speaking manner. Nonetheless, your General will iron out these deficiencies.

But quite possibly the biggest insult of all is the fact that he has never voted. People fought and died for your freedoms boy! They saved your sorry butt from living under tyranny, whether it be German, Japanese or Russian, and all you can do in return is spout off about how voting is for pantywaists and that you are far more interested in DVDs and flapjacks! Well no movies or food will save you from being brutally transformed from the miserable human being you are now into a fine soldier ready to do his duty!

As for your claim that your General should never have quit his day job, it is because of ignorant weakwilled people like you that he was wrongfully discharged in the first place. Your General's superior officers knew and understood that your General did what he had to do to those Afghan brats, but because of pressure from weak kneed politicians, both British and Afghan, they had no choice but to force him out.

Since that day, Hoss Garrison, your General has sworn to eradicate this cowardly attitude! If you do not fight for what is right and what you believe in, then you will end up dead! Your General will fight for you, Hoss Garrison, even if it causes you tremendous amounts of pain in the process!

DISMISSED!
 

About FWrestling

FWrestling.com was founded in 1994 to promote a community of fantasy wrestling fans and leagues. Since then, we've hosted dozens of leagues and special events, and thousands of users. Come join and prove you're "Even Better Than The Real Thing."

Add Your League

If you want to help grow the community of fantasy wrestling creators, consider hosting your league here on FW. You gain access to message boards, Discord, your own web space and the ability to post pages here on FW. To discuss, message "Chad" here on FW Central.

What Is FW?

Take a look at some old articles that are still relevant regarding what fantasy wrestling is and where it came from.
  • Link: "What is FW?"
  • Top