The scene is a soundstage with an MBE Lord of the Boards backdrop. Crack reporter Biff Bentley is standing by with one-half of the MBE Tag Team Champions, Hoss Garrison, wearing jean shorts, a sleeveless Stars 'n Bars t-shirt and his MBE Tag Team Championship belt slung over his shoulder.
BB: Alright, I'm here with Hoss Garrison, fresh off a brutal but successful defense of his MBE Tag Team Championships against the Lot. As a result of that match, his partner, Jake McCody, is not here this week. Hoss, could you give us an update on your partner?
Hoss: Well Biff, Hoss is laid up at home, drinkin' his vitamin water and lettin' his bones heal up so's we can go back to dominatin' the tag team division here in MBE after I win this tournament. He ain't here in body, but he's gon' be here in spirit, especially since he believes in all that voodoo bullcrap an' such. Hell, after the display he done put out last week, I'd believe him if he said he could use the Force. Me and him showed what it's like to be a tag team this week, just like this week, I'ma gon' show how to GIT 'R DONE! in singles competition, Lord of the Boards, babe!
BB: Speaking of Lord of the Boards, Hoss, you were the only competitor not to put up a "campaign piece" for last week's show. Why was that?
Hoss: What, are you blind and deaf, son? I was preparin' for that WAR we done had wit' them English faggits for the Tag Team Titles last week! I mean, you just asked me 'bout that match! You saw how dang bloody that match was. I ain't had no time to prepare for it or nothin'! Besides, votin' is for fairies and queers anyway.
BB: Excuse me?
Hoss: You heard me. All them pansies, oilin' themselves up and gettin' on camera to ask people to "vote" for them like this was some election or somethin'. Even if it was... man, I ain't never voted in my entire life. It's for all them liberal pantywaists to get their assholes all wadded up 'bout things that don't concern me, or for veterans of foreign wars to use as a reason why they's gotta go overseas and fight. Tell ya the truth, I don't need to protect no right to vote for a guy that I ain't never gonna know and who I can't never trust to get into office to go and fight. I don't need no reason to kick raghead ass over there in Afghanistan, and I don't need no reason to kick ass over here. This ain't no votin' contest! This is an ass-kickin' contest, and compared to me, everyone else in this tournament's only got one leg!
BB: How a propos you bring up war...
Hoss: Apro what now?
BB: A propos... it's a French phrase meaning "appropriate."
Hoss: Hey, we're in AMERICA! Speak American! Ain't no one gonna talk Frenchie to me and get away wit' it!
BB: sighs Fine. How appropriate you bring up war, since your opponent is a self-proclaimed General.
Hoss: Yeah yeah, I done heard him, talkin' like he's George Patton or somethin', and you know what? I dig what he's gotta say, at least I did in the beginning. He's a guy who should be on the front lines, killin' Ay-rabs and defendin' our freedom. But he done lost me when he started talkin' 'bout rednecks like he's one of us, like he's tryin' to be funny, like he's Jeff Foxworthy. Y'know somethin'? Jeff Foxworthy is funny 'cuz he knows what it's like. I'm tellin' ya, I gots all his DVDs, whoo-wee! It's a dang laugh riot every time. But when this guy starts shootin' off at the mouth, well, that's what gits my blood boilin'. See, I may talk like a redneck. I may drink like a redneck on Saturday night when I ain't in the ring defendin' this. pats the title But you can damn sure that the only people I beat on ain't women unless a woman decides she wants to get in the ring and tussle with someone she should be cookin' flapjacks for. I beat guys like General Mayhem, and I beat 'em good. I take 'em down at least two pegs, and then when they think they done got enough, I shove my boot so far up their ass that they can taste my sole!
General Mayhem, you oughtta not quit yer dayjob for bein' a comic. You probably shoulda never quit it to become a 'rassler either, because come SINGLED OUT, I'm gonna GIT... 'R... DONE... all over yer sorry ass!
BB: Alright, that was Hoss Garrison. We'll be back after this.
[Fade to the MBE logo.]
