(FADEIN to an all black screen. Then white text appears, which says Presenting... , which then fades and is replaced by... As the Champion Turns... which fades and is replaced by... Directed by “Dis”... fades to black.)
(CUTTO: A small, thin man dressed as Anarky, in skull facepaint and his ring gear. He’s sitting on an oversized throne and wearing a Burger King hat in the middle of an empty field with nobody around. He has a fake plastic belt he’s rubbing inappropriately.)
FAUXNARKY: “Behold, subjects! I sit before you, loyal peons... your mighty God... you.. unworthy, pitiful children...
“I have thrust my righteous glory upon you, again and again... and yet for some reason, I haven’t been voted Most Popular Wrestler yet! What the frick, guys! I’m the best! I never lose! I am the best at winning! The best!
“But stupid Dis wants me to prove it! God, what a jerk. Why can’t he just leave me alone! Everybody here is so mean! Just because I’m a stupid coward who refuses to do anything doesn’t mean people shouldn’t like me!”
(He starts sobbing uncontrollably. From off-camera comes a man dressed as Dan Ryan wearing a business suit with the words “Ego-Slightly-Deflater” are printed badly on one leg.
FAUXRYAN: “There there, Anarky... I know it’s hard. You’re old and so very sad. We thought you wanted the pretty toy, but it’s made you sad! So very sad!
“There there, I’ll cancel your title defenses against Impulse and Rezin! You can just stay home and play with crayons! You like crayons, don’t you?”
(At this, Fauxnarky sniffles a little bit and looks up.)
FAUXNARKY: “Y-y-yes. Promise I won’t have to fight anybody? You swore I get to pick the matches from on!”
FAUXRYAN: “I promise! Just please stop crying. Your therapy sessions are driving up the health care costs for everybody! You need to learn to develop a debilitating drug problem like most wrestlers.”
FAUXNARKY: “Thanks, dad.”
FAUXRYAN: “I’ve told you I’m not your father, Anarky. We’ve talked about this.”
(Suddenly, an enormous black man in a Dis mask shows up. The bulge in his pants is comically oversized to the point of being difficult to walk. When he talks, his voice is replaced by an 8-year-old girl.
FAUXDIS: “No! I will not stand by and let you tarnish the legacy I built! I built the Empire with my bare hands uphill in the snow both ways! If it wasn’t for me, EPW would be trash! Everybody would be trash! You’re trash!
“Stupid Anarky! You’re so stupid and dumb. You don’t even know who I am! I could be anybody! I could be Lindsay Troy again!”
FAUXNARKY: “But you’re clearly an enormous black man.”
(FAUXDIS: “Now give me your belt. You’re clearly too much of a punk to handle it. Luckily for you, I’m still great at stuff. Bye!”
(They all wave happily goodbye to each other.)
(CUTTO: Anarky is sitting on a couch in a No. 88 Hakeem Nicks New York Giants jersey, drinking an Elm City Lager, smiling happily.)
ANARKY: “Hey, Dis! I hope you enjoyed that fun little video I made for ya. I figured since you weren’t gonna listen to me anyway, you might as well listen to you. I must admit, your vision of reality is... appealing. It’s cute. Comforting. And it comes built in with a happy ending where big bad egotistical Anarky gets what he deserves.
“You’re welcome, Dis. What can I say, I was feeling generous.
“At some point, I have to accept the fact that you aren’t going to come around and suddenly become some sort of rational, thinking adult.
“I’m sorry you take such personal offense to my desire to actually speak to the fans who spend their hard-earned money to watch me inflict violence upon the oh-so-deserving...
“And I’m sorry I don’t schedule matches the way you wish I did. Really, I am. I want to. Really, I do. But it’s just, look, I’m really busy with wrestling on television a lot. You remember that, right? You used to do that all the time back in the day!
“And I’m also sorry that I didn’t previously ask for permission to repeatedly punch you in the mouth, though I appreciate you going ahead and giving me permission anyway. It’s like you’re classy enough for the both of us.
“In addition, I apologize for implying that you do not seek challenges. For some idiotic reason I thought you were a take-all-comers kinda guy. You were stickin’ up for the little man, like Rezin, and Impulse! You obviously can’t be bothered to sully yourself with such trivialities, worthless drivel that they are... but... gosh. I mean, obviously once you beat me, you’ll take on all comers! But, until then, I mean, why bother, right? Probably gets in the way of all the sexin’ you probably do. Man, I’m jealous.
“But most of all, I’m sorry to you, and everybody else, for not being the Champion you wanted. I promise from here on out that I’ll sign all of the babies and shake hands with women in pant suits a lot more.
“The truth is, I’m just scared. I just want everybody to like me. And you clearly don’t. You’re so angry at me for being a spectacular failure that you’re going to maim me and break my arm! Did you know that nobody has ever threatened to injure me before? Never! In all these years! Weird, right?
“So thank you, Dis. For opening my eyes. For making me see the glorious light that is your essence as the One True Leader To Lead Them All.
“Me... as you say, I was just a cheap thug before you met me. Just fightin’ hobos at the train station. Pullin’ tricks for outta town business dudes. It was a sad life, no doubt.
“But now that you’re here, the Empire can live on!”
(He smiles and laughs and takes a nice long sip of beer, finishing it off.)
ANARKY: “You’re right about one thing, Dis. The time for talking is about done. One way or the other... this is going to end.
“In your brain, it already has... I’m just a dead man walking... a worthless nothing who should crawl back into the hole he came out of... a bitter disappointment.
“I don’t make promises I can’t keep, Dis. I don’t know what the future holds. But I know one thing.
“You aren’t the first to say he’s gonna really hurt me and destroy my legacy, leaving me ashamed, broken, battered worthless...
“Not the first. Not the last.
“Just like the Empire would go on whether or not you chose to get all self-righteous on us...
“Me... I’ll still be here tomorrow. Ready to bleed... ready to drag this f*cked up body through that meat grinder one more time... belt or not belt... Dis or no Dis.
“You can’t take that from me, Dis.
“That... I can promise.”