Lights up to a pair of feet, wearing fine Italian leather shoes, walking down a busy street. Other pairs of feet are seen walking by, the camera is at ground level. We hear the opening of The Bee Gee’s mega hit “Stayin’ Alive”. The camera pulls back and moves up a bit and we see some of the finest navy blue dress pants money can buy, a breath taking pair from the Giorgio Armani collection. We see the hands of the man pointing at people, and we can hear him saying hello. He slaps several hands, and the camera pulls up even more to reveal the rest of the suit, a dark navy blue jacket with an electric blue dress shirt and tie – a picture of fashion. Who is this mystery man? SB, that’s who!
Meanwhile, back in the hotel…
Brian Bruno sits, watching tape of Silver and GOLD.
Bruno: A chick? We fightin’ a chick? Man, SB is never gonna take this serious.
Cut to SB inside a jewelry store. He has a big, gaudy gold chain around his neck, and is sifting through a roll of hundred dollar bills. The man working behind the counter seems to be annoyed/amazed with the Italian Icon.
SB: (pointing wildly) So yea, gimme 3 of those, 4 of those, a whole handful of those…
Man: That – that’s about $250,000.
SB: Oh – um…yeah, well put it on my card?
SB quickly whips out a card, which looks NOTHING like a credit card, and flashes it in the man’s face.
Man: Was that a Foot Locker preferred customer card?
SB scoffs, and rolls his eyes. He puts his hand down on the table, but it slips and he nearly falls over as he says:
SB: No, not at all.
Man: Yes it was.
SB: Prove it.
Man: Well, show it to me again.
SB: Look, if this is how you treat International Superstars like the Beautiful One –
SB: ME, SB, doofus. I’m a superstar!
The man looks at him, and looks as if he’s trying to recall who he is. Apparently, he has no clue.
Man: Are you some sort of athlete?
SB: No ****, Sherlock.
Man: Baseball player? Most of those guys are rude, what with the steroids and all.
SB: NO, I’m not a baseball player. And who you callin’ rude? Maybe I’ll just take this roll of bills and head across the street?
Man: (eyes light up) NO! No need for that, sir. Rude? Did I say rude? Silly me, I’m the rude one sir.
SB: That’s more like it. Now, how about this here, with the glitter and the diamonds for my fiancée. Anything shiny works, girl’s got a mind like a 2 year old!
Cut to Bruno, back in the hotel. He’s sitting at the bar, having a cold one. Well, he’s working on a quite a few. A guy sitting on the other end sees him, and recognizes him from the show the previous week. He taps his buddy on the shoulder and shouts to no one in particular:
Man: Hot ****, it’s Brian Bruno! Remember that rookie who blew out his knee, the one on the Jets? What was it, 5, 6 years ago?
Bruno: Eight. And I don’t really like talking about it sir. I’ll be glad to sign an autograph though.
Man 2: Why would we want your autograph, ya washed up bum?
Bruno: Is that totally necessary?
Man 1: If he says it is, it is, punk. You couldn’t hack it as a football player, and you ain’t a wrestler, not by a long shot!
Bruno: Take it easy slick. You don’t want no drama.
The two men get up, and approach him. All of a sudden, the music stops, the patrons all stop talking and look, and the barkeep hides behind the counter.
Man 1 gets right in Brian’s face, and Man 2 is beside him.
Man 1: Oh, but I DO. (slaps Brian in the face.)
Brian just smiles and gets up. The guy is actually bigger then Bruno.
Bruno: Now, you got the mean outta me.
He swings, and KO’s Man 2 with a single shot, who was completely unsuspecting.
Man 1 turns and looks at his downed friend, and Brian takes the opportunity to instantly KO Man 1 with another haymaker. 2 punches, two knockouts. The Brian Bruno Knockout Theory in full effect!
Instantly several more of his buddies jump in on the action, and Brian is left to fend for himself!
While SB is just signing his credit card bill ( the cheap bastard didn’t want to pay in cash)
SB: OK, and I’m all done. Thank you. (flips a rolls of small bills at him) Keep the change, mutt.
The man clutches at the money as SB leaves. He gets a steps out the door before –
O/S Voice: HEY! THIS CARD IS A FAKE!
SB smiles, and immediately takes off, while dialing the phone and slinging the bag of jewelry over his shoulder, security and local police in hot pursuit!
Back in the bar, Bruno has his back to the wall, and all the tables are either overturned or broken, with unconscious bodies everywhere. Broken glass lines the countertop, but Brian is outnumbered. Suddenly, his phone rings.
SB: WE GOT A PROBLEM! GET TO THE CAR, MEET ME OUT FRONT! I’M ALMOST THERE!
Bruno: We got a bigger problem in here! Get inside, I’m in the bar!
SB: ALRIGHT, HANG ON!
Bruno: Stop yelling! (hangs up, and dives headlong into the crowd of aggressors!
Cut back to SB, who managed to give the cops the slip. He charges in through the bar window, sending the glass everywhere, and lands directly on top of the crowd assaulting Brian! Fists and feet are flying everywhere, and SB nails some big guy in the face with a SexyKick, sending him over the bar!
Outside, the cops burst in through the front door, and the hotel manager frantically points to the direction of the bar room brawl.
SB and Bruno are now back to back, and are outnumbered 4-2. Two big right hooks even the odds, and two more end the fight as the cops come in and wrestle the two men to the ground!
SB: Hey, don’t touch me! I’m FAMOUS! FAMOUS!
Bruno: I hate you, man.
Fade out as the cops drag the two outside and down to the station!
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