(Bruce Richards is standing in an airport by the baggage carousel beside Tiffany, his petite blonde girlfriend. He's leaning on his cane, she's leaning on him. They're watching the suitcases go around and around, waiting patiently. Tiffany pops her head up and looks around.)
TIFFANY: Have you seen them yet?
BRUCE RICHARDS: Nope. Haven't really been looking, though.
TIFFANY: You're not worried? This is a big airport.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Kyle can look after Amy.
TIFFANY: (Rolling her eyes.) It's not Amy I'm worrying about.
BRUCE RICHARDS: (Bending over to pick up some luggage.) Amy's not going to get lost in an airport bathroom, and Kyle's mature enough to behave himself unsupervised for ten minutes.
VOICE: (Off-screen.) WOO-HOO!
(Bruce and Tiffany look up and find Kyle Roberts piloting a scooter through the crowd, careening around jet-lagged passengers and honking its tiny horn. A few feet behind him, shoulders hunched and a black cloud nearly visible over her head, stomps his girlfriend Amy.)
TIFFANY: Oh lord.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Five minutes in the United States and he regresses twenty years.
KYLE ROBERTS: (Pulling up to a short stop.) Hey Bruce! Look what I found!
BRUCE RICHARDS: (Rubbing the back of his head.) You really need that?
KYLE ROBERTS: Of course I don't need it. But it's awesome! It keeps me off my feet when I'm walking through this god-forsaken airport, and I'm going to need two strong feet - and two strong legs - to defeat The Irishes!
BRUCE RICHARDS: We're calling them The Irishes now?
KYLE ROBERTS: I am!
AMY: (Catching her breath.) You couldn't...let me catch a ride?
KYLE ROBERTS: Amy, please! If you had ridden along, where would there be room for all the baggage?
AMY: We didn't have any baggage back at the other end of the airport.
KYLE ROBERTS: But we do now. (Leaps off and starts piling suitcases on the scooter.) Man, Bruce, I can't wait to get in that ring and kick me some blarney stones!
BRUCE RICHARDS: You're pretty gung ho about this match.
KYLE ROBERTS: (Pounds his fist into his palm.) You better believe it. I'm going to get in that ring and murderize those guys. Bam! Moose Jaw Driver. Bam! Polarizer. Bam! Emerald Fusion. And then one, two, three, those limey bastards will be down for the count.
BRUCE RICHARDS: You're aware that they're not actually FROM Ireland, right?
KYLE ROBERTS: (Waving his hands.) Bruce, you're missing the point. If we can beat TWO Irish guys, then beating one guy from Ireland and one guy from Wales will be a piece or cake!
BRUCE RICHARDS: Kyle...
KYLE ROBERTS: It's a well-known fact that Welshmen are dirty thieves with weak stomachs!
BRUCE RICHARDS: I didn't know that.
KYLE ROBERTS: Of course you didn't; I just made it up. But that's not the point. The point is: when we beat The Irishes, we'll be in great shape for the--
BRUCE RICHARDS: I think you're missing the point. You're focusing too much on the wrong opponents.
TIFFANY: Besides, Kyle, we're in Los Angeles.
AMY: Los Angeles, Kyle. Remember, you promised to take me around sightseeing.
KYLE ROBERTS: I did? When? I don't remember saying that.
(Amy pulls out a video iPod and cues up a file.)
KYLE ROBERTS: (From the iPod.) Tell you what. If you REALLY want to go with us-
AMY: (From the iPod.) And I do.
KYLE ROBERTS: (From the iPod.) -we're going to be going back for the second round, the third round, whatever it takes for Bruce and I to show this promotion just what it takes to be the most dominant tag team in North America. So we can actually plan a weekend of stuff to do.
AMY: The digital age is a wonderful thing.
KYLE ROBERTS: (Gaping.) I...you...we...
BRUCE RICHARDS: (Clapping Kyle on the back.) Looks like you're in for a weekend of sightseeing, chum...p.
TIFFANY: What do you mean, he's in for a weekend of sightseeing? You think I came here for your health?
BRUCE RICHARDS: (Crestfallen.) Crap.
TIFFANY: You guys! You should be happy to be here in L.A. There's plenty of stuff to do!
AMY: There's shopping on Rodeo Drive, looking at the houses of the stars, getting a fresh seaweed facial…
KYLE ROBERTS: Uh-LAAAYYYMMMME!
BRUCE RICHARDS: It sounds like Kyle and I would get bored pretty quick.
TIFFANY: When you came down here for the Dupree Cup, where did you go? Disneyland and Medieval Times. You’ve DONE your fun stuff here. Now it’s Amy and Tiffany time.
KYLE ROBERTS: (Hopefully.) Amy Time? Now? Better yet, Amy AND Tiffany Time? Oh, god, this is the stuff dreams are made of!
BRUCE RICHARDS, AMY & TIFFANY: What? No!
AMY: Hold on there, Romeo. It’s not THAT time.
KYLE ROBERTS: Too late. I’m already there in my head. (Kyle closes his eyes.) Oh, yeah. That’s the ticket. Whoa! Hey, there, Bruce. Don’t you think that’s a little personal?
(Kyle opens his eyes, only to see that the other three have left him alone. He runs to catch up.)
KYLE ROBERTS: Hey! Wait up!
* * *
(Cut to Kyle and Bruce outside of a ritzy store. Kyle’s looking in through the window.)
KYLE ROBERTS: You gotta be KIDDING me! Dolce & Gabbana? Amy’s going to spend a month’s salary in there!
BRUCE RICHARDS: It’s her salary, Kyle. It’s not like she’s spending any of your money.
KYLE ROBERTS: It’s the principle of the thing! If she wanted to spend too much money on clothes, she could easily do it at West Edmonton Mall.
BRUCE RICHARDS: (Out of nowhere.) I really wish you’d keep me out of your fantasies.
KYLE ROBERTS: Holds up. Whenever you appear, you usually ruin things. It’s not like I’m lusting after you.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Then would you at least keep Tiffany out of them?
KYLE ROBERTS: Come on, Bruce! Cute blonde, hot brunette? How many people have what we’ve got?
BRUCE RICHARDS: Archie Andrews.
KYLE ROBERTS: Exactly! We’ve got the Veronica Lodge/Betty White deal going on here!
BRUCE RICHARDS: Betty Cooper.
KYLE ROBERTS: Who?
BRUCE RICHARDS: Betty White was on the Golden Girls. Betty Cooper’s the girl who pines after Archie. Also, your analogy doesn’t work out, because both girls aren’t going after you.
KYLE ROBERTS: When I close my eyes they are.
BRUCE RICHARDS: That’s a good way to lose the one you’ve got.
(Amy and Tiffany exit the store with a bag each.)
TIFFANY: Okay! To our next stop!
* * *
(Cut to a large warehouse full of furniture. The two couples are in the middle of it.)
BRUCE RICHARDS: H.D. Buttercup Furniture Mart?? Where the hell did you find out about this place?
TIFFANY: I’ve got my sources. (Tiffany and Amy stop to look at some wicker chairs as Kyle and Bruce keep walking.)
KYLE ROBERTS: So, what’s our plan for tomorrow evening?
BRUCE RICHARDS: We hit the ring. We show Irishred and James Irish why we are the most dominant tag team in North America. We go on to the next round.
KYLE ROBERTS: Did you SEE their match last round? There was an eight-minute brawl between Irishred and Bobby O’Brady that ended up going all throughout the arena!
BRUCE RICHARDS: If that’s what they expect this time around, those two will get a rude awakening. We got into wrestling for the passion of actually grappling with somebody in the ring, not for throwing somebody into the wall or using a steel chair to knock them out.
KYLE ROBERTS: You think I’m the kind of guy who can go toe to toe with monsters that brawl? Why do you think I’m all about the speedy quick stuff? Impact’s the way to go, not slapfests. If you end up locking up with Irishred for a half hour, I’m going to get bored and stop that crap. Or get a hot dog.
BRUCE RICHARDS: We definitely gave the fans what they wanted to see last time against the Social Club. A half hour of good old-fashioned wrestling. Followed up by our trademark, the Down and Dirty.
KYLE ROBERTS: Man, it’s going to be swell to Polarize one of those guys. Who the hell would swig down New Coke when it first came out in the Eighties, let alone twenty years after it was killed? How much did James Irish have to pay for that on eBay? Nah, give me a good ol’ Pepsi any day! It was the choice of a new generation!
BRUCE RICHARDS: At least he deemed us worthy to trash talk. Irishred must have taken a few too many bumps on the head last week, if he thinks bringing out the Celtic Assassins is going to distract us.
KYLE ROBERTS: How awesome will it be when you give him one big fat moonsault? A three-count for the ref, and that’s it. Kyle and Bruce, moving on to the next round!
AMY: Kyle, look! It’s an authentic Japanese tea set!
KYLE ROBERTS: (Looking at the box.) Wabi Sabi? What does that mean?
TIFFANY: It’s the name of the manutailer.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Manutailer? That’s it, I’m getting out of here.
TIFFANY: What, you can make up words but they’re not allowed to?
BRUCE RICHARDS: Imitational IS a word!
TIFFANY: Sure, sure. (Turns to Amy.) Do you have everything?
AMY: Sure do.
KYLE ROBERTS: (Exasperated.) Finally.
TIFFANY: On to Kitsons!
* * *
(Cut to another store; Kyle and Bruce are sitting on a bench, surrounded by bags, heads in their hands, looking glum.)
AMY: (Runs giggling behind them.) Invigorating Night Gel by Ole Henriksen!
KYLE ROBERTS: This was a bad idea. Way to go, Bruce.
BRUCE RICHARDS: (Elbows him.) It was your idea, dumbass.
KYLE ROBERTS: Way to not talk me out of it, dumbass.
BRUCE RICHARDS: (Sighs.) I’m just trying to focus on anything other than shopping.
TIFFANY: (Runs the other direction, screeching.) Oh my god! Look at this L.A.M.B. Saddle Mandeville Bag! This would go SO WELL with your shoes!
BRUCE RICHARDS: But it’s hard not to.
KYLE ROBERTS: Just do what I do.
BRUCE RICHARDS: What’s that?
KYLE ROBERTS: Imagine pounding James Irish’s head into the mat, over and over and over again. (Mimes the actions.) This! Is for! My girlfriend’s! FIFTEEN pairs! Of SHOES!
BRUCE RICHARDS: Yeah. Or latching Irishred up in a Torture Rack. (Puts his hands over his head.) I’ll keep TALKING. About ACCESSORIES. Until you SAY. “I QUIT!”
(Amy and Tiffany runs up to each other behind the bench.)
AMY: Did you see…?
TIFFANY: The Caramel Soy candles! I KNOW!
AMY: This is going to be the best wrestling show EVER!
(The girls squeal and run off in different directions.)
KYLE ROBERTS: You know, I kind of liked it better when they didn’t get along.
BRUCE RICHARDS: They’re right about something, though.
KYLE ROBERTS: You’re right; caramel candles are a good idea.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Yes, they are, but that’s not what I meant.
KYLE ROBERTS: …you like Amy’s bag?
BRUCE RICHARDS: No! What I meant was they’re right when they say that this is going to be a hell of a show.
KYLE ROBERTS: No kidding. The New & Improved D-X, soon-to-be-five time NAPW Tag Team Champions, versus The Irishes, who have held…many belts between them.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Mostly on Irishred’s side.
KYLE ROBERTS: They’re great wrestlers, aren’t they Bruce?
BRUCE RICHARDS: They sure are, Kyle. But you know what they aren’t?
KYLE ROBERTS: What?
BRUCE RICHARDS: A great team.
KYLE ROBERTS: (Smiling.) Yeah. When they get in the ring, we’re going to have a fight on our hands.
BRUCE RICHARDS: We’re going to work our assses off, because everywhere we go out on one of these interpromotional matches, every time we wrestle a great show --
KYLE ROBERTS: Which is basically any time we wrestle.
BRUCE RICHARDS: -- we get more fans. More people inevitably fall in love with the best tag team on the continent, the one, the only, The New & Improved D-X.
KYLE ROBERTS: And when we come back for the next round - and we will come back - we're going to have to remember to bring more shirts. We’re almost out of the medium “I’ve Prepared Some Charts” shirts.
BRUCE RICHARDS: (Smiling happily.) Always a classic.
TIFFANY: Okay, boys, we’re done here. Just one more place to go.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Come on, girls. We’re DYING here.
AMY: It’s not so bad.
KYLE ROBERTS: You don’t know that! It’s not like you ever sit around for what seems like hours while Bruce and I scream our hearts out at stuff you have no interest in!
TIFFANY: …right. Well, trust us, you’re going to like this place.
KYLE ROBERTS: I find that hard, and difficult, and hard to believe.
* * *
(Cut to a Mideival Times restaurant, where the Black Knight has just been knocked down by the Red Knight. Amy, Kyle, Bruce, and Tiffany are sitting in their seats. Well, the girls are sitting. The guys are on their feet.)
KYLE ROBERTS: (Brandishing a whole Cornish game hen.) YEAH! Tear his HEART OUT!!
BRUCE RICHARDS: (Raising his mug of grog.) Huzzah for the Red Knight! (He and Kyle cling mugs then drink them down.)
KYLE ROBERTS: Wench! More ale!
KYLE ROBERTS: What? We’re SUPPOSED to call them wenches!
(The Red Knight goes in for the coup de grace, but the Black Knight throws sand in his face and he kicks him over.)
BRUCE RICHARDS: BOOO! Dirty pool!
KYLE ROBERTS: YEAH! Tear his HEART OUT!!
AMY & TIFFANY: (Rolling their eyes.) Men.
(Fade to black.)
(Co-written with Kyle Roberts.)