Re: Round 1: “COOL” Cancer Jiles vs. The True Face
[The time for over-excessive hype is over.]
[Round one of the no adjective needed ULTRATITLE Tournament is officially underway.]
“Hello ULTRATITLE. I’m... well, I am the COOL.”
[Indeed the silk-shirt, pressed slacks and snakeskin shoe donning, mean mug smirching, highly touted Defiant upstart from Philadelphia is.]
“There-there, my treasure. Soon... you’ll be in a good a place.”
[After a huge breath and a charcoal snot-rocket later, Cancer Jiles finishes gearing up for battle by dropping in the last piece of his picture perfect jigsaw puzzle.]
[With a casual preciseness, The Mongoloid Slayer shakes the air out of his precious golden-blond hair, and places a pair of double patented, bulletproof/mirror lensed, jet-black framed, eye encompassing Terminator ULTRATITLE edition sunglasses upon his clean shaven face.]
Much like everything else I do, it all starts right here... inside the tantalizing confines of my second home.
[Cancer’s referring to the cell-sized Defiance Promo Boof he’s currently occupying. The often sullied joint has a Defiance banner spanning across the back wall, and a plastic fern butting up in the corner.]
[I know, not very flashy.]
[Then again, when the man taking residence is wearing a shirt that has more colors than a decked out Christmas tree, it doesn’t really have to be now does it?]
Go on, take the place in. Feel free to make yourself comfortable with the lavish surroundings.
[Motioning about as if he were a real estate agent, Cancer shows off the aforementioned room’s amenities. He nudges the fern with his foot, and then takes a playful waft at the Defiance banner.]
Cancer Jiles: [coming back to center]
Now that you’ve been acclimated, we can talk a little bit about who I am, and what I think about this grand Tournament which seems to be all the rave these days.
[King COOL ain’t kidding. Damn ULTRATITLE is even giving sliced bread a run for its money.]
If you didn’t know, or happened to live underneath a rock, or do not own a radio...
I’m the man your momma warned you about.
The one who after hearing, leaves you in no doubt.
I’m the COOLEST cat to have ever crip-walked this Earth.
I’ve been the COOLEST since the day of my birth.
[With his chest all puffed out, Cancer proudly jabs at his heart using only his index finger.]
I. AM. THE. COOL.
[That was a shout out to recording artist, Screamin Jay Hawkins. He’s one of Cancer’s idols, if not his only idol. Jay wrote Cancer’s entrance music, too. Whether or not you believe it was intended for Cancer is up to you.]
You might be wondering how that equates to being a spectacular wrestler who’s been called nothing short of supernatural while inside a wrestling ring.
Just know that it does.
[An athletic background and years of experience help as well. More so than anything else though, is the wealth of knowledge on how to cheat in plain site and get away with it.]
[Also, Cancer is misusing the way he was quoted as being supernatural inside a wrestling ring. The reference wasn’t in regard to his talent, rather it was the exact opposite. What the quote said was “it’s almost supernatural how a wrestler of such limited mat ability is able to win matches on a consistent basis.”.]
[See, he’s human.]
[Even if the shades say otherwise.]
Anyway, when I first heard about this tourney, to tell you the truth I didn’t know what to think.
I’ve only heard whispers about these types of events before.
That said, imagine you were me -- shouldn’t be too hard since you’ve been doing it ever since I said the word “Much” -- and the euphoria of the ULTRATITLE has you riding highs that you haven’t experienced since Robo-tripping back in High School.
You’re uber excited. You are... extremely stoked. You are ready to conquer all, and slay the toughest of Mongoloids that this world -- or the next -- has ever seen.
After all the build up.
After all the chest pounding, and promotional bits, and zippity-doo-dah.
...the brackets are finally revealed.
[Insert dramatic pause.]
Let me just say this about that.
[Insert another dramatic pause.]
Willy Wonka contacted me.
He wanted to know how I got my hands on a golden ticket.
[A watermelon engulfing poop-grin takes over the High Chief of COOL’s face.]
I told him, Will, I’m Cancer focking Jiles. The Mongoloid Slayer. I have a Masters degree in being COOL, I AM a golden ticket.
Then I hung up on him.
[Yeah, and Cancer hasn’t stopped having nightmares about killer Oompa Loompa’s since.]
On a more serious note, the Count of COOLSYLVANIA must admit that winning the title of epic Ultratude would truly be awesome. Being the best out of a hundred and twenty-eight others is something that even I could hang my shades on.
[When did Modest Mouse start playing?]
I mean, who cares if the field has more moth than bounce in their balls?
[Ahhh. I see what he did there. The old fliparoo.]
Re: Round 1: “COOL” Cancer Jiles vs. The True Face
Fading in to view is a picture of a grave, grey is the dominant color on screen, even the green grass seems to be devoid of life, statics starts to overcome the screen as the picture suddenly shifts to the true face staring at the ground, hair covering his solemn face, looking up with not a care in his eye.
There lies the dreams of a young man who wanted to move mountains...
There lies the hopes of a talent who never broke through...
There lies the reality of what this business does to those that were under prepared to face the rigors and trials of a sport that had no place for him...
The True Face died many years ago.
The man formerly identified as Justin, and you know the rest, fell through more cracks than pennies in a college couch. He came at the wrong time and was definitely in the wrong place. It was brutality incarnate, on the soul, on the mind and on the body. Here he stands one more time, not resurrected as he physically lived through such ordeals, the True Face is NOT here to bull**** you, he stands here a different man than he had hoped to one day be. A different psyche, a different frame of mind, a different STATE of mind and a completely different outlook on this business.
There will be no introductions as it matters not who the True Face is and it certainly matters no who you are or where you come from.
There was no tapes viewed of this "Cool" Cancer...the rest of the name slips the mind already, it may be that you aren't important enough to remember, or maybe it just plain doesn't really matter. Catchy names and slick phrases will only get you so far, and as far as can be seen, there isn't much to be intimidated about.
Glory? Honor? Victory? Cliched responses for various reasons for being here?
Gold certainly wasn't the motivation, as there is none to be had. Gold is a fluctuating market but glory retains its value no matter where you achieve it. That is why the True Face exists in this gathering of men among giants...yes, that was stated correctly.
Who you are doesn't matter, what is to be gained is the focus, if the goal is large enough, if the reason for existence is strong enough, not even the strongest of military forces can stand between the man and the prize.
Fading back into obscurity, with my life ingrained into your memory for all eternity....
You will all go on with your existence in this business chasing skirts, leather straps of various metals and contracts, but you will forever be changed by your experiences in the ring with the man who has lost his face, but will leave it imprinted to haunt your worst dreams, knowing that you lost to a man long forgotten in the halls of ancient beasts that once ruled this industry.
One match, will it be the last? or will more memories be forever tainted by an experience so destructive that lives will be eternally altered, souls diverted from their proper flow in the lifestream detoured onto a different destiny than its current destination?
We shall see, the True Face will surely not let you leave the same.
The True Face will not let those that remember his face leave without seeing the fruit of their avarice haunting them through out this tournament.
It will be a life changing experience for all, all will see what cannot be unseen, all will feel what could not be numbed, all will remember what could not be forgotten...they surely will receive their proper comeuppance.
It was only a matter of time....
static begins infecting the screen, silently but growing ever louder, almost deafening before suddenly going black
Re: Round 1: “COOL” Cancer Jiles vs. The True Face
[The Mongoloid Slayer.]
[He’s back inside his second home.]
[The impregnable T-shades, the kaleidoscope inspired collared-shirt, the Oscars ready blond hair, and so on and so forth are all present for the proceedings as well.]
Cancer Jiles: [disgusted] Let’s start out with that Mongo name of yours, and how it happens to be so gawddamnridiculouslyawful it made me want to eat an entire colony of ticks the first time I heard it.
[That was a funny day, and there’s also a lymes disease crack to be had here.]
Cancer Jiles: Actually, you know what??? On second thought, I don’t even want to say or think about it.
That’s how much I hate it.
[If you couldn’t tell, Cancer is referring to his first round opponent.]
Cancer Jiles: Instead, next level if you will.
You’ve left your past behind. You made it perfectly clear that it’s dead and buried in the cold depths of the Earth’s dermis, chatting away with Casper about popular postmortem dating services.
[A golf clap.]
Cancer Jiles: Congrats on that.
I can’t imagine it being easy-- shedding every ounce of who you are. In fact, my guess, it’s probably rather hard to instantly start thinking, Imma winnar put me in koeach.
What do I know though?
I'm not a rerun loser who has to bury himself in order to shake the notion that he’s not the lousy, good for nothing, stupid name having, crumb-bum he once was.
Cancer Jiles: That might have been a little harsh.
I’d apologize, but I don’t know how to.
If it makes you feel any better, even I, the Great King of COOL, was buried before. Granted, it happened not because I was a coward who choose to do so, rather a shovel to the head and a bulldozer did me in.
Point is, if even I -- the guy whose name EVEN YOU can’t remember -- went on to break the high score in Big Mongoloid Hunter, ULTRATITLE edition, then there’s some hope for you yet.
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