[MINNEAPOLIS] (7) MaX-Files vs. (10) Jake Phoenix

[TH]

First round match held at the Breslin Student Center in East Lansing, MI on Michigan State University's campus.

RP deadline is 3/17/08, 11:59:59 PM EDT, give or take a second. No RP limit. One fall to a finish. All other regular rules apply.

 

[Jake Phoenix]

The roving TEAM reporting camera has caught up with the newly crowned REBEL World heavyweight champion, "The Murder City Devil" Jake Phoenix, outside his training facility in South Carolina - and by "training facility", we mean a rather rundown boxing gym. Phoenix has a duffel bag over his massive shoulder, and is wearing a wifebeater and faded (and slightly torn) dark blue jeans, along with his trademark pair of Oakley shades covering his eyes from the sun just now peeking out through the clouds. Phoenix turns toward the camera and growls.

Phoenix - What the (BLEEP) do you want?

Reporter - We just wanted to get your opinions on MaX-Files.

Phoenix - I hated that (BLEEP)in' show. That girl Scully was kinda hot though. Couple of beers and I'd take her for a ride.

Reporter - No, no.. MaX-Files, your opponent in the first round of the TEAM Invitational this week!

Phoenix snorts. He puts down his duffel bag and unzips it. Inside, you can see the REBEL World championship belt peeking out through his usual gear, but the fruit of his labors for the past decade isn't what he's going after - he wants a beer, and now he's got one.

Phoenix - Doesn't ring a bell. Y'now, ever since I won the REBEL World title last week, all I've heard is this guy's after me, that guy's after me, this person wants to beat my ass, that person wants to take my title. Nobody stopped me on the way to this belt, and nobody's gonna stop me *now*. I don't care if it's in NAPW, REBEL, or even in this TEAM tournament - nobody's gonna stop the Murder City Devil now.

With one hand, Phoenix pops the top on the can of Molson with a practiced motion. The Canadian beer is the one thing he brought down from his ongoing stint up in British Columbia's NAPW.

Phoenix - MaX-Files? I don't know who the *BLEEP* you are, I don't give a *BLEEP* who you are, and I don't know why the *BLEEP* you're a higher seed in the tournament than I am. I'm the *BLEEP*in' heavyweight champion of the world, I oughta get a *BLEEP*in bye! But that's fine, Maxie - you won't hafta worry about being *anything* in this tournament, because once I roll into Michigan State, get your ass in that ring, and drop you on your *BLEEP*in' head with the Tombstone, the only thing you're gonna hafta worry about is if your bedpan's cold!

Reporter - So you're predicting victory over MaX-Files and going on to the second round?

Phoenix - Boy, I don't predict nothin'. I *tell* you what I'm gonna do - and what I'm gonna do is make Maxie wish he stayed the *BLEEP* home.

Reporter - If you do beat MaX-Files, you could end up facing your tag team partner in NAPW, Donovan Astros, in the second round!

Phoenix suddely zips the bag back up and stands up with a start. He slings the bag over his shoulder, the beer still in his hand.

Phoenix - What about it?

Reporter - Don't you have any thoughts of facing your friend?

Phoenix takes a long, steady swig of his beer. He looks at it for a moment, as if deciding on what to say but not quite knowing how to say it.

Phoenix - Astros ain't my friend. He's my partner.

Phoenix crushes the can in his hand, the leftover beer squeezing out, before dropping the can on the ground. The REBEL World champion walks away, the can clattering to a stop. Fade out.

 

[Ernie]

Deep within the top secret MaX-Files investigative hub...​

also known as the little old lady's apartment directly beneath his, MaX-Files sat with his drooping lazily from the corner of his mouth in front of a state of the art TANDY COMPUTER, whirring in all its glory! Apparently, he had decided to take his investigation up a notch by incorporating modern technology. A rather blocky blue line separated the left half of the screen from the right half. On the left, more liberal half of the screen, was a picture of Jake Phoenix. To the right of the line, pixels ever so slowly developed one by one into what would eventually become a picture of some sort of threat to humanity: zombies, werewolves, promos from the Doritos Man, and the like. When the picture finally fully developed, "NO MATCH" blinked on the screen in large, pixelated, red letters.

*BUZZ!*

MaX-Files: "That would be the door! But who knows I'm here?"​

MaX-Files crept cautiously toward the door and gazed through the peep hole. His lips curved up into a smile. He unbolted three deadbolts, removed two chains, and unlocked the door knob before opening the door.

MaX-Files: "Hey, Guy! I'm glad you're here."

MaX-Files' visitor was his friend and manager, Frederick the Lawn Gnome. Made of ceramic, Frederick was really an inanimate object and had probably just been left in the hallway. Max brought Frederick into the apartment and set him down on the flower-patterned davenport. Max looked at Frederick as if the ceramic gnome were actually speaking.

MaX-Files: "Oh, that? That's so I can find out who or what this Jake Phoenix guy really is. Now your normal, every day paranormal investigator would have just gone by last name and decided it was the phoenix of lore that burns in a funeral pyre and then resurrects itself from its ashes. Then, he would have either packed it up and called it a day or gone to confront it in the mindset that everything will turn out okay so long as the phoenix is kept away from any open flames.

"Closer examination, however, revealed that this guy was covered in dirt. My first instinct was that the dirt was probably the result of hanging around in graveyards, which would have narrowed my search down a bit to things like zombies, ghosts, vampires, or quite possibly even the physical manifestation of WFW. To confirm this, I took a scraping when he was in the rubber ball pit at Chuck E Cheese's, but after the analysis, it turned out to be planting soil, which is good for growing things, instead of burying soil, which is good for burying things."

MaX-Files waited again for his ceramic friend to speak.

MaX-Files: "What difference does it make what the names of the soils are? The point is that one of them is rich in nutrients and the other packs well. It's just like on 'CSI'. Nobody wants to hear the latin name of some flower that they won't understand anyway. Besides, did you ever notice that their investigations always boil down to some weird, exotic plant that can only be found in one person's yard in the whole world? How believable is that?"

MaX-Files paused again for Frederick to speak. This time, he got slightly worked up in response.

MaX-Files: "Of course this is different! I'm talking about soil, not flowers! They're two completely different things. Besides, this kind of soil can be found LOTS of places, hence the modern technology."

Max pointed to the Tandy Computer, which unbeknownst to him, was ready to reach the end of its search.

*Whir whir whir BEEP!*

MaX-Files: "EUREKA!"

Recognising the beep as the completion of the search, Max swung around eagerly to view the results. He gasped.

MaX-Files: "He's not working on a government conspiracy to develop genetically enhanced super-bees that shoot lasers from their stingers after all. It's WORSE than that! HE'S GOT LICE!!!"

*DUN DUN DUUUUUUN!*

Frederick again asked a question, to which MaX-Files would elaborate while frantically running about the room in circles.

MaX-Files: "No, Guy, this isn't just your run of the mill trailer park denizen with a wicked case of head lice. This guy has an army of MUTANT LICE! Regular lice will suck a little blood, but these bad boys will suck out your ENTIRE BRAIN and MESS YOUR HAIR while they're doing it, too! And I have such perfect hair they'll definitely be drawn to it! What am I going to do?"

Max sunk to the floor and hugged his knees against his chest. He knew he had to calm down, but knowing he had to calm down did not make it any easier to do.

MaX-Files: "How do you battle MUTANT HEAD LICE? What's their weakness? I can't get lice! WHAT AM I GOING TO DOOOOOOOO?"

Then, as if a ray of light had shined down on him from above, the tears stopped dripping from behind his super-cool Extra-Terrestriavision sunglasses, and he snapped his fingers.

MaX-Files: "That's it! Normal lice are typically cured with some sort of special lice shampoo. Maybe I can adapt its chemical structure to make a SUPER-LICE SHAMPOO! But there isn't much time. I'd better grab a shower cap just in case...

"Quick, Frederick, to the pharmacy!"

Max grabbed Frederick and darted out the door, apparently headed to pick up some lice shampoo and a shower cap.

Fade to black.

Little Old Lady: "He's such a nice young man."

Fin.​

 

[Jake Phoenix]

MaX-Files and his words weren't ignored. They were seen via satellite.. well, no, via YouTube - by "The Murder City Devil" Jake Phoenix, who's at a darkened computer lab at the Michigan State University campus. (Pounding the goo out of a teacher's aide does wonders for your access.) Phoenix is leaning back in one of the student chairs, staring in... well, we're not sure what. Shock? Wonder? Bemusement? Confusion? .. at what MaX-Files has to say.

YouTube - "Quick, Frederick, to the pharmacy!"

Phoenix has had enough. He leans forward in the chair and flicks his foot forward, catching the Dell workstation with a shot right in the drive with his steel toed boot. The computer instantly locks up, with the flat-panel monitor's image becoming garbled.

Phoenix - What. The. *BLEEP*.

Phoenix takes a breath, then shakes his head slowly in disbelief.

Phoenix - Y'know, I heard the same ol' from the bosses in TEAM tellin' me I gotta watch my language. I can't say things like *BLEEP*, *BLEEP*, *BLEEEEEP*, or even just *BLEEP*. But I gotta ask you, boy - are you *BLEEP*in' retarded or somethin'? I mean, hell, I've had some people call me sick in the head, but this.. I can't figure what the hell must be goin' through your little brain to film something like *that*.

Phoenix swivels in the chair to face the camera. He leans forward, resting his folded arms on his knees.

Phoenix - I don't know why I'm *BLEEP*in' bothering to talk toward somebody like you, because you obviously ain't hearin' a word I'm sayin'. So y'know what? I'm gonna try somethin' else. I already said what I'm gonna say, and since you don't seem to get it, I'll say it really slow.

Phoenix rolls forward slowly, the wheels of the chair squeaking lightly, until the only thing you see is the ever-serious scowl on the REBEL World champion's face.

Phoenix - I. Am. Go. Ing. To. *BLEEP*. You. Up.

Phoenix leans back in his chair.

Phoenix - You're wastin' my *BLEEP*in' time. And I don't put up with ANYBODY that wastes my time. So real soon now here in Michigan, I'm gonna get in the ring with you, I'm gonna punch your face in, I'm gonna drop you on your head, I'm gonna pin you one-two-three, and I'm gonna move on - simple as that. And then after Astros *BLEEP*s up the Sheep*BLEEP*er, it's gonna be me and Astros, one more time. And then after *that*, I'm gonna beat the next, and the next, until the TEAM Invitational victory is *MINE!*

Phoenix gets up, shaking his head.

Phoenix - Mutant head lice. After this match, boy, that's gonna be the *least* of your worries.

Fade out.

 

[Ernie]

On a jet bound for Detroit Metro Airport...​

MaX-Files sat in the aisle seat wearing a shower cap, with Frederick pointed to look out the window. Max was hunched over a small cauldron that rested in the aisle. He had a small vile containing a blue liquid in his right hand and a vile with a yellow liquid in the other. Mixing them together in the couldron produced something of a greenish colour.

MaX-Files: AGH! I can't believe I'm rushing this so far under the gun! THERE'S NO TIME! I HAVE TO GET THIS SHAMPOO READY!

MaX-Files turned toward Frederick, as if the ceramic lawn gnome had said something. He placed his fingertips on Frederick's head and turned him around to face the paranormal investigator.

MaX-Files: Of course I know what he said, Guy. I have him under constant surveillance. I have EVERYONE in this tournament under constant surveillance. Tournaments like these are breeding grounds for people with evil plots to destroy the earth. Just look at the Mortal Kombat, King of Iron Fist, Street Fighter, and Shady Pines Nursing Home Bridge tournaments! Which of those tournaments WASN'T crawling with fiends who had sinister plots? And what's more, it's up to MEEEEEEEEE to stop them!

Now, when this guy says he doesn't know who I am and calls me, 'Retarded,' it has to fall under one of THREE SCENARIOS! He's either trying to lure me into a false sense of security, trying to bore me to sleep with his generic, 'I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE,' babble, or he really doesn't know who I am and therefore doesn't know that I'm anything BUT a retard.

Max hurriedly mixed in a couple more chemicals: something red and something purple.

MaX-Files: If he's trying to lure me into a false sense of security then he's failed. I know how dangerous his mutant head lice can be and I'm even beginning to wonder whether or not they've turned against him and begun burrowing into HIS brain! At any rate, I'm going to come prepared for him.

If he's trying to bore me to sleep, then I'll just have to make sure I can stay awake through our match. Max raised his head to call for a flight attendent. FLIGHT ATTENDENT LADY GUY! Could you please bring me a vente caramel macchiato from Starbucks? I NEED IT... DESPERATELY!!

Max turned his attention back towards Frederick and his work on the anti-Mutant Lice Shampoo.

MaX-Files: Now this brings us to our third and final SCENARIO - I just love the Greatest American Hero's constant use of that word. So our last scenario is that he really has no clue who I am and has no clue about my investigative accumen. If that's the case, then he's ALREADY at a disadvantage and I'll use that disadvantage to the planet's ADvantage! There's nothing worse than going into something not knowing what you're up against; if he doesn't know about me and I know about him and his mutant head lice, then I've got better chances going in now. Guy, could you hand me the pink? Thanks.

Max mixed in the pink liquid. He produced a stirring utensil and stirred the mixture in the small cauldron.

MaX-Files: That's it! I hope this takes care of those mutant head lice...

Fade to black.
​

Fin.​