<st1
lace w:st="on"><st1laceName w:st="on">Back to School
</st1laceName></st1lace>
<st1lace w:st="on"><st1laceName w:st="on"></st1laceName></st1lace>
<st1lace w:st="on"><st1laceName w:st="on">
</st1laceName></st1lace>
<st1lace w:st="on"><st1laceName w:st="on">Michigan</st1laceName> <st1laceType w:st="on">State</st1laceType></st1lace> has a really big campus. As we find SB walking around the grounds, guided by two MSU students, it’s not surprise he’s looking around somewhat in awe, having never been to a school this big in his life.
<o
> </o
>
SB: So…where are we going again?
<o
> </o
>
Student 1 (Jim): Well, we’re gonna show you around just a bit. First we’ll show you the cafeteria, incoming students typically want to see that first.
<o
> </o
>
SB: I don’t blame 'em, I wouldn’t go here if the food sucked…you guys got steaks?
<o
> </o
>
Student 2 (Rob): There’s a grill with food made to order.
<o
> </o
>
SB: Sold.
<o
> </o
>
Jim and Rob laugh and SB shrugs.
<o
> </o
>
Rob: Alright, I guess we can skip that then, sir?
<o
> </o
>
SB: Yeah, you can skip that if you want. Take me to the library, I love readin’ and **** like that.
<o
> </o
>
Jim: (laughs) OK, it’s just this way.
<o
> </o
>
While walking, SB spots a TIGHT looking freshmen at 8 O’Clock on the SB Radar.
<o
> </o
>
SB: Hey sweetheart! You want some toast for that jelly?
<o
> </o
>
The girl smiles and waves, but keeps walking on.
<o
> </o
>
SB: Ahh, where ya goin’. You think she liked me Jimbo?
<o
> </o
>
Jim: Uh, I can’t say. Maybe?
<o
> </o
>
SB: You’re no help, kid. Robbie?
<o
> </o
>
Rob: She’s a freshmen I think, so probably. She’s kind of a red flag dressed that way.
<o
> </o
>
SB: Whoa! Take it easy Mr. Student Government! This bad boy’s getting’ taped for the TEAM Tournament you guys got in town, remember?
<o
> </o
>
Jim: You can edit that out right?
<o
> </o
>
SB: I can edit **** in, too, if you get my drift!
<o
> </o
>
Rob and Jim laugh nervously as they open up the door to the library.
<o
> </o
>
Jim: So, here it is.
<o
> </o
>
SB: (shouting) HOLY ****! It’s nice in here!
<o
> </o
>
Rob: Sh! Mr. Rossi, you can’t talk so loudly in here, students are studying?
<o
> </o
>
SB: Yeah? Those are the rules in this joint?
<o
> </o
>
Rob: Have you ever been to a library?
<o
> </o
>
SB: Well, this one time I went into a Barnes and Noble to get my autographed copy of A Guy’s Guide to Being a Man’s Man by Frank Vincent. Counts right?
<o
> </o
>
Jim: Sure, why not. OK, now that you’ve seen the library, how about we head over to the dorms?
<o
> </o
>
SB: The dorms? I though that was last so I got somethin’ to look forward to?
<o
> </o
>
Rob: Well, would you like to see the bookstore first? You still need to go to the interview after the tour anyway.
<o
> </o
>
SB: Alright, let’s go to the bookstore. I wanna get a hat.
<o
> </o
>
Jim: Well, if you want, you can get one of our team jerseys to complete the look.
<o
> </o
>
SB: Yeah yeah yeah. Sounds great.
<o
> </o
>
(CUT to SB and his tour guides in the bookstore)
<o
> </o
>
SB: Look at all this stuff! Hey, if you guys don’t allow alcohol for underage kids why do you have shot glasses?
<o
> </o
>
Jim: Well, not everyone who shops here is underage.
<o
> </o
>
SB: Isn’t that kinda like tauntin’ the little ****ers though?
<o
> </o
>
Rob: (laughing) Uh, yeah. I never thought of it like that but when you put it that way it makes sense.
<o
> </o
>
SB: Yeah. Well, I’ll take one. Put it in the bag, junior.
<o
> </o
>
SB hands Jim a shopping bag. Jim exchanges confused looks with Rob, and places the shot glass in the bag.
<o
> </o
>
SB: What else you got? Hey Robbie, grab one of those Neitzel jerseys, would ya?
<o
> </o
>
Robbie: Uh…what size?
<o
> </o
>
SB: Big. SB does everything big, sunshine.
<o
> </o
>
As Rob picks that up, SB orders Jim to get him matching green “Mom and Dad” thermoses.
<o
> </o
>
SB: Yeah, and while you’re getting’ that, how about grabbin’ the Icon one of those Spartan T-shirts?
<o
> </o
>
Rob walks back over with the jersey, folds it over and places it in the bag.
<o
> </o
>
Rob: Anything else, Mr. Rossi?
<o
> </o
>
SB: Where’s the hat, sizzle chest?
<o
> </o
>
Rob: Ummmm…
<o
> </o
>
SB: Don’t “um” the Icon! Where’s my hat?
<o
> </o
>
Rob: (forcing a smile) White or green?
<o
> </o
>
SB: I’m thinking white
and green.
<o
> </o
>
Rob walks off-screen to pick it up and Jim places everything else SB told him to get into the bag.
<o
> </o
>
Jim: You know Mr. Rossi, I think I should warn you that this is going to be fairly expensive for what you could buy it for somewhere else.
<o
> </o
>
SB: Money ain’t much of an object, kiddo. Bring it over to the register and tell ‘em to ring up all that plus a hat.
<o
> </o
>
Jim: Where are you going?
<o
> </o
>
SB: To kick the crap out of Rob for getting me the wrong hat.
<o
> </o
>
SB strolls over to Rob walking back with a definitely NOT white
and green hat. SB slaps it out of his hands.
<o
> </o
>
SB: Hey num-nuts, where’s the hat I asked for?
<o
> </o
>
Rob: Hey, watch it sir! I’m here to be your guide, not your personal assistant!
<o
> </o
>
SB: Well, you’re fired.
<o
> </o
>
Rob: What? You can’t fire me, I’m the director of Student Tours!
<o
> </o
>
SB: Well, you’re off the tour. Unless you wanna find out why I’m an International Superstar Slash Sex Symbol. IS4 for short.
<o
> </o
>
Rob: This is ridiculous!
<o
> </o
>
SB: Yeah, well, you heard me. Get your ass outta here before I sic Jimbo here on ya!
<o
> </o
>
Rob looks confused, but Jim nods that he should go, probably so that SB doesn’t kick the living snot out of Rob in front of a nice chunk of the student body as he runs for President of the Student Government. Head hanging in shame, Rob leaves.
<o
> </o
>
SB: Jimmy! (throws the hat to him) Ring this puppy up!
<o
> </o
>
(CUT to just outside a freshmen dormitory. Jim is holding SB’s bags)
<o
> </o
>
Jim: All right, here we are. Now, you’re probably wondering why we haven’t gone into any classrooms yet.
<o
> </o
>
SB: No, not really, but you can tell me if you want Jimmy.
<o
> </o
>
Jim: We have what we like to call “residential colleges”. You live in the same building as your classrooms!
<o
> </o
>
SB’s face is blank.
<o
> </o
>
Jim: Isn’t that exciting? I mean, it’s a first of it’s kind model!
<o
> </o
>
SB: I understand that you’re hittin’ me with a sales pitch, but that sounds like it really ****in’ sucks.
<o
> </o
>
Jim is taken aback, and his face shows it.
<o
> </o
>
Jim: But…it’s great for learning-
<o
> </o
>
SB: Where do you sleep, on the classroom floor?
<o
> </o
>
Jim: (laughs) Oh, wait a second. You thought I meant you live in the classrooms, didn’t you?
<o
> </o
>
SB: That’s what you said.
<o
> </o
>
Jim: Well, not really. I said that the dorms are in the same building as the classrooms. It’s a residential-
<o
> </o
>
SB: Whatever skippy. Are there freshmen *****es in here?
<o
> </o
>
Jim: What?
<o
> </o
>
SB: Is this where the freshmen girls live, yes or no?
<o
> </o
>
Jim: Some of them.
<o
> </o
>
SB: All right, here’s the game plan Jimmy. I like you, so I’ve got you in on this. Robbie was too narrow-minded to see the big picture.
<o
> </o
>
Jim: The big picture?
<o
> </o
>
SB slaps him upside the head.
<o
> </o
>
SB: Gettin’ ***** stupid! Now, you head over to my car in the main lot. (drops the keys into the bag in Jim’s hands.) So help me Jesus Christ in Heaven, if that care comes back in any different shape I left in you’re gonna have a new, foot-shaped a-hole.
<o
> </o
>
Jim: Roger that.
<o
> </o
>
SB: While you’re puttin’ my **** away, I’m gonna go in there and work the SB magic. I’ll pick up one for you, one for me, and then we’ll head out and tear this town up.
<o
> </o
>
Jim: Umm..OK, I’m in.
<o
> </o
>
SB: (slaps him on the back) I knew I could count on you, Jimbo.
<o
> </o
>
Jim starts off to take care of SB’s purchases, but as he walks away an orange sign is clearly visible on his back. It reads: JIMBO.
<o
> </o
>
SB smiles, shaking his head.
<o
> </o
>
(CUT to SB lying in bed with two gorgeous looking blondes. One’s sleeping, but the other’s whispering sweet nothings into his ear)
<o
> </o
>
SB: All right, all right, I’ll call ya. Scout’s Honor! But you gotta keep your end of the deal first.
<o
> </o
>
Girl: (giggles) I got it. What’s his name again?
<o
> </o
>
SB: Oh, you’ll see it. It’s written on his back.
<o
>
</o
>
<o
> </o
>
SB gives a wink to the camera, and we fade out.
