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Milwaukee Riptide 08


League Member
Jan 1, 2000
SW Chicago
(FADE-IN: Shots of the concessions stands in the Bradley Center. They are all completely empty. CUT-TO: Shots inside the Bradley Center, the fans going crazy with anticipation for the Main Event. CUT-TO: Matt Faley already standing in the ring.)

MATT FALEY: “And now, the moment you’ve ALL been waiting for… TONIGHT’S MAIN EVENT. For the NUMBER ONE CONTENDER’S SPOT for the GLCW HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE!!!! Entering first,” (CUE-UP: “Shapes of Things” by The Jeff Healy Band) hailing from Montreal, Quebec, Canada, weighing 245 pounds… he is JEAN RABESQUE!!!”

(Rabesque comes out in his usual black garb to a HUGE pop, and walks to the ring acknowledging the crowd. His T-Shirt reads “No False Gimmicks” and he points to a fan in the crowd holding up a “NO FALSE HYPE” sign.)


M.F.: (waiting for Shades to shut up) “Ahem… and his opponent,” (CUE-UP: “Lawnmower” by Worthless United.) “Weighing 220 pounds, and coming all the way from Whitelandia, USA… he is THE JOBBER!!”

(The Jobber makes his way down the ramp to massive boos, eyeing Rabesque in the ring. He walks casually up the stairs, and ducks into the ring. He wears black as well.)

J.S.: “U-S-A, U-S-A”

TONY ROSS: “Well, that’s three letters you know, Jake. Those three and ‘S-T-D.’ It’s anal warts, right?”

J.S.: “…”

R.W.: “Matt Faley is still in the ring… what’s this all about?”

M.F.: (talking to a stage hand, and then returning to the center of the ring) “And the SPECIAL guest announcer for this match!” (CUE-UP: “Mechanical Animals” by Marilyn Manson.) “MICHAEL MANSON!!”

(Manson comes down and assumes a position down at ringside while Rabesque and the Jobber look on.)

T.R.: “And the match is underway, and it’s never been more crowded here at the announcer’s table.”

MICHAEL MANSON: “Hello to you too, Ross. It’s great to be here to announce tonight’s MAIN event, which I am suspiciously absent from. I mean come on, a NUMBER ONE CONTENDER’S match… for the GLCW Title… not involving ME? Maybe Krusher is trying to give some of the peons a shot at MY title before he let’s me crush Maelstrom like the transitional chump he is.”

J,S.: "Finally someone INTELLIGENT gets to sit out here with me!"

R.W.: “Regardless, the action is up as Rabesque and Jobber take their attention off of Manson and start to tangle. Arm wrench by Rabesque, and Jobber flips out of it. Jobbber with a drop-toe, and tries to put Rabesque in a single-leg crab, but Rabesque turns over and kicks Jobber off him. Rabesque with a whip to the ropes, Jobber leaps over and comes off the middle rope with a back elbow.”

M.M.: “Just goes to show that knitting Jobber’s tights doesn’t mean Rabesque is gonna get the win here.”

J.S.: “I thought that was Rabesque’s stitch work… he’s not much of a wrestler but he sure can hem like a MAD MAN.”

T.R.: “What? Jobber has Rabesque up, and delivers a snap suplex and hangs on. He lifts Rabesque up again and suplexes him down.”

M.M.: “Due to Jean Rabesque’s considerably feminine hands, he can embroider, crotchet, and knit like no one’s business. He puts Martha Stewart to shame, not only in being a fraud, but also by beating her ass in sewing contests across Iowa. I’m still impressed he got Jobber’s tights done in time for the match.”

J.S.: "Ha Ha ha!!"

R.W.: “And Jobber again holds on for a third suplex, but Rabesque reverses it into one of his own! And NOW Rabesque is hanging on! Rabesque going for another suplex, but he can’t pull it off! Jobber rolls him up…1…2.. and a quick kick out by Rabesque.”

M.M.: “It’s those lady fingers, they don’t allow for Rabesque to maintain a good grip on his opponent, as you could plainly see right there. You know, Mr. O Canada claims to be the greatest technical wrestler in the world. Now if being a great technical wrestler was the same thing as making killer blueberry muffins, he’d be in business. Unfortunately for him, his femininity prevents him from reaching the echelon of “great technical wrestler.”

J.S.: "HA HA HA HA HA!! Oh God, I'm dying over here!"

T.R.: “Both men are now circling each other, and the Jobber is the first to strike, kicking Rabesque in the midsection. Rabesque shoves him off, and shoots off the ropes with a mean dropkick to the Jobber’s knees.”

R.W.: “Perhaps Jean is going to try to wear on on Jobber’s leg, setting him up for that figure-four leg lock.”

M.M.: “Or maybe Jean is gonna try on aprons to wear to his next Tupperware party.”

J.S.: “Canadian’s have Tupperware?”

M.M.: “Oh you betcha. Canada is like Tupperware HEAVEN.”

T.R.: “And now Rabesque is dropping elbows on the leg of Jobber. He pulls Jobber up, and sets him up for a scoop slam. Jobber flips out of it, kicks Rabesque in the gut and goes for a DDT. Jean counters with the Northern Lights suplex! Float over and a pin…1…2… and Jobber kicks out!”

M.M.: “I went to Whitelandia once as a child… the whole place is chock-full of the kinds of people who leave Christmas lights up all year-round.”

R.W.: “And now Rabesque and Jobber are exchanging lefts and rights. Jobber sends Rabesque to the ropes, Rabesque counters and locks Jobber up in a sleeper. Rabesque then steps on the back of the Jobbers worked leg, sending Jobber to the canvas. Rabesque has Jobber in the center of the ring, and Jobber is fighting it.”

M.M.: “Boring! This right here is the product of the GLCW’s arbitrary method of making matches like this. Maybe Jobber deserves to be in the ring, as he was TV Champ, but how do we know it’s not just Krusher caving because of the affirmative action to push a Whitelandian?”

J.S.: “Affirmative action… what a crock! I LOVE not being a minority… sorry Tony.”

T.R.: “Ugh… and now Jobber is working his way back to his feet to a chorus of boos. He spins out of the hold, and gets Rabesque in a hammerlock. Jean goes for elbows to the head, but Jobber dodges them. Rabesque then reaches under his legs, and pulls the Jobber out from behind him, and gets him in a leg lock of sorts, but Jobber turns out of it and rolls out of the ring.”

R.W.: “Rabesque really working Jobber down, and especially concentrating on that leg…”

M.M.: “Like I was saying, the seemingly random method of choosing contenders. I mean Jean Rabesque? What’s that salad-tosser going to do as champion? Endorse a cooking show? Co-host The Christopher Lowell Show?”

J.S.: “Master knitsman AND interior designer!? Frenchy makes it TOO easy!”

T.R.: “Jobber back on the apron as Marinaro reaches 7 on the ten count, Jobber looking back at Manson as Rabesque comes to deliver punches. Jobber fends him off, and hits a FIERCE SUNSET FLIP! WOW! Jobber picks hoists the larger Rabesque up, and delivers a sharp piledriver! Jobber really gaining momentum here as he signals that he’s going up top!”

R.W.: “Rabesque heads him off at the pass as Jobber is looking over at Manson, but the Jobber turns him around, puts Rabesque up on the turnbuckle. Both men ascend to the top turnbuckle, and Jobber delivers a DEVASTATING superplex!”

J.S.: “If only Krusher would grow some… er… courage… and put the guys who DESERVE to be contenders fend for the GLCW Title.”

M.M.: “You know Jake, I sometimes see King Krusher crying backstage… wallowing in depression and self-pity.”

J.S.: “I KNEW IT… and he said he just had asbestos in his eye. And what about Maelstrom eating garbage?”

M.M.: “I’ve got video tape proof of that. I think it’s a Pandorian thing, but I didn’t see it on the island. At least we know where Maelstrom gets all that “pizzle” he’s always talking about.”

T.R.: "Jobber shaking the cobwebs from that huge superplex, as Rabesque is still down on the mat. Jobber picks Rabesque up, and goes for the TIGER DRIVER!! Rabesque grabs Jobber’s legs and stops the move. Jobber tries it again… and he pulls Rabesque up! RABESQUE FLIPS OUT OF IT, and lays Jobber down with a quick leg takedown. And now Rabesque is going UP TOP!”

R.W.: “This is unusual for Rabesque, as he usually sticks down to the mat."

T.R.: "He gives Manson a quick glance before leaping off the top with a crossbody block on Jobber!! Jobber rolls through! Rabesque rolls through again!! 1…2…3…!!! The Jobber's foot was on the ropes but Marinaro must not have seen it!! Rabesque pulls this one out of NOWHERE, thanks to bad positioning by Marinaro!! Rabesque thinks he’s won this one cleanly as he rolls out of the ring, while the Jobber is still arguing with Marinaro! Marinaro is shaking his head, and slapping his hand while the Jobber is pointing to the ropes!"

(CUE-UP: “Shapes of Things” by The Jeff Healy Band.)

M.M.: “God save the Queen…”

(Manson gets up from the announcer’s table as approaches Marinaro to point out the ropebreak)

J.S.: "A TRUE American, Manson going up to Marinaro to sort out this INJUSTICE!”

T.R.: “Manson pointing out the ropebreak to Marinaro, and Al Marinaro is just shaking his head and shrugging. And here comes Jean.”

(Rabesque comes to ringside as well. Manson says something to Rabesque, and Jean shoves him off. Manson gets up and the two go at it.)

T.R.: “And now things REALLY heat up as Manson and Rabesque are brawling right out here in front of us!!”

J.S.: “Hey! That Frenchy had NO business hitting Manson.”

R.W.: “Rabesque did appear to start this one, and he’s paying for it now as Manson bangs his head off our table here!! And Rabesque answers with a sharp shot to Manson’s jaw!! And here come the cavalry to break this up!”

(Security comes down as Manson and Rabesque continue their brawl. Jobber is still in the ring, irate as he argues with Marinaro.)

T.R.: “Hopefully security can separate these two men from killing each other before Ringlords 1: MINNESOTA MAYHEM! Fans, Manson and Rabesque are still struggling at each other through security! We are way outta time! Tune in to www.GLCW.com next week to see WIRED from Flint, Michigan! For Jake Shades and Rick Wiseman, I am Tony Ross… GOOD NIGHT from MILWAUKEE!”

(Security continues to separate Manson and Rabesque, and seem to be successful. Fade out as Manson and Rabesque holler at each other.)

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