Manson
League Member
- Joined
- Jan 1, 2000
- Messages
- 382
- Points
- 0
(FADEIN: MICHAEL MANSON jobs at twilight through his vineyard. CUTTO: Manson building a house, then letting the homeless live in it. Then he laughs whent he house falls down on them. CUTTO: MANSON pouring ground pez into a protein shake and drinking it back. CUTTO: MANSON at a firing range with a bow and arrow. He fires away at targets of YORI, FELIX RED, and THE POPE. CUTTO: MANSON on a treadmill, firing arrows at targets of YORI, FELIX RED, and THE POPE. He aims back, but trips on the treadmill and bangs face-first against, and then throws him off it wildly, hitting the ground head-first.
His body lies there but suddenly the scenery around him goes black filled with a horrible star-filled outer space backdrop from 1980's tv. His body becomes transparent as it floats down through star after star.
CUEUP: The theme to Buck Rogers. Da da don da da don don, don, da da don don don don don don!
Manson snaps awake in a tunnel of light. He steps closer and closer until he finds a large ceiling fan twirling overhead. He finds its switch and turns it off. Flood lights fill the room and Manson covers his eyes, but then glimpses. In one half of the room is painted with white, heavenly clouds, while the other half has fires streaking all over the walls.
In heaven, Jesus Christ, with a goatee and wearing a white business suits, Buddha practices martial arts with a staff, L Ron Hubbard types away at a computer, and Michael Jordan shoots around with a basketball at the back.
JC nudges L Ron with his foot.)
JC: Hey, we're ready to start and you said you'd take care of this.
L RON: NOT NOW! I'm on a roll here! BATTLEFIELD MARS! It's absolutely brilliant! Tom Cruise and John Travolta have already agreed to star in it!
JC(rolling eyes): Fine, fine. Buddha, you ready if he gets out of hand?
BUDDHA(while balancing his staff on his fingertips): Of course. My fists are the wind that shivers in the frost of the winter's soul. I will shatter its ice and clutch at its cold, voided heart.
JC: Well, at leats you're not speaking in all haikus anymore. Anyway, (stands up and regards Manson), obviously, you know you've just died.
MANSON: Hardly. I've died several times before and the special effects were always better than this.
JC: We know, we know, but we got a budget up here and this is one death too many.
MANSON: Whatever. I can't be dead. I'm training for my match with Yori Yakamo Junior. He's some kind of Sextronic Man now.
JC: Definitely, he even got me to buy one of his dildos.
MANSON: I have to crush him, move back toward my Ultratitle, and then annihilate Felix Red for my world title.
JC: Don't get us started on that Felix guy. Every time he talks, I get a headache like no one ever took off that damn crown of thorns.
MANSON: Well, how do I know if I'm dead or not? Maybe someone just kidnapped and I'm trapped in a poorly-produced Fox TV special.
JC: Come on now. You think Michael Jordan would just show up for anything?
(Jordan hits a free throw.)
JORDAN: Actually, Nike asked me to be here. They've been selling a lot of Air Satans and wanted some cross-promotion.
JC: But we wear sneakers here in the crossroads between heaven and hell! Really! I mean I like Reeboks myself, but Michael never gave me that discount!
JORDAN: You never gave me that 7th world championship!
JC: You retired!
JORDAN: No, I just stopped wanting to do all the work.
(Buddha flips in between them, twirling his staff.)
BUDDHA: Stop, I command you and on with this gracious sacred quest of life and death and beyond. My hands, gifted as the most accomplished perfect physicans, will else why damage and destroy you!
JC(sighing): See, Michael? You got Buddha angry! (Turns back to Manson.) Look, if you don't believe me, just ask your friends other there.)
(On the hell side of the room, Satan, a pale, blond man in a red suit, lounges on a sofa. A tall man wearing a black plastic cape and a gray alien mask stands with his back to Manson. Dracula is hanging out in the corner, sucking down on a Hi-C.)
SATAN: Hey Mikey, you missed poker last week.
MANSON: I had two matches in one night!
SATAN: Still, you got Xenu mad at you.
XENU(to Satan): Tell him I'm not talking to him.
MANSON: This doesn't mean I'm dead. I was just hanging out with Vlad the other night while we were raiding that virgins' coven!
DRACULA(in thick Hungarian accent): And yet I'm the one with herpes!
MANSON: I told you not to bite down there!
DRACULA: I saw you do it!
MANSON: With a pair of false teeth! Much as I'm loathe to admit it, the postmodern vampire might opt to invest in a Yori Love dildo with fangs.
DRACULA: Hm. Mayhap.
SATAN: Anyway, let me prove you're dead. (Searches under sofa cushions and pulls out Wonder Woman's lasso of truth.) I found this in Joey Melton's trash. I swear that man would throw away a gem.
(He ties it around himself and throws the other end to Manson.)
SATAN: I am the fallen angle, prince of lies, and the king of hell. Mike Manson, you are dead. I also have plans to invade heaven, I like to watch Battlestar Galavtica Friday night. My girlfriend's name is Amber. I have raped her many, many times.
MANSON: And how do I know this is a REAL lasso of truth?
SATAN: Okay, okay. Just pretend this is another really stupid skit and go along with it.
MANSON: Well, why didn't you just say so? Now if I'm dead, whaty are we all meeting about?
JC: Obviously, you can't get into heaven.
MANSON: And why not?
JC: You started a petition for the Crocodile Hunter's body to be eaten by crocodiles and had his family sign it!
MANSON: It was his mythic destiny!
JC: Then you had Nazi-Hunter Jonas Khatz fed to Nazis!
(CLIP: A hugely, muscled behemoth, bare-chested with a star of david tattooed there, swaying blond hair, holds a pair of machine guns, tearing apart Nazis. Doctor Hitler, wearing a bloody mad scientists's smock throws a switch and unleashes hungry, zombie Nazi slaves!)
MANSON: They were hungry! I'm not made of stone!
JC: You beat up the pope and took his place for a whole month!
MANSON: I can't help it if everyone liked my free deviant love and church-burning policies! Not to mention my new Ten Commandments kicked ass. 'Thou shalt not bathe," indeed!
JC: You've driven men insane with your sex tape video! You developed and sold the formual to Really New Coke! You've pretended to be a pedophile on the internet to get young children to cut adults with razors! You built a man out of Bible pages and then lit him on fire! You've maimed people! Ruined careers! Destroyed marriages! You had Beau Michaels married into a threesome with Cameron Cruise and his wife!
MANSON: And they were never happier!
JC: You've gievn people cancer and seizures! You've lied, cheated, stolen! You've turned the NFW into a cesspool!
MANSON: Come now, that's damn fine entertainment! Ratings are higher than ever. Let's be honest. Letting me in puts you in trouble. Your dad is looking for new blood.
JC: Curse you and your infernal charisma!
MANSON(turning to Satan): And I guess I'd take over hell.
SATAN: Mikey! Mikey! I'm doing you a favor! You've got too big an imagination for just hell! What are we going to do all the time down there? Play cards with Xenu?
XENU(scoffing): I'm not talking to you either now.
MANSON: And the alternative?
JC: We'd like to show you what the world would be like without Michael Manson.
MANSON: I figured. It is Christmastime. Have to reel out all the old cliches.
(JC snaps his fingers and we fade to RAINBOW. FADEIN: The Emperors Arena where Jason Payne and Jonathan Marx wrestle a classic catch-a-catch can wrestling match. The crowd roars with approval at every headlock.)
(CUTTO: The Mad Hatter, dressed as Santa, letting children sit in his lap as he laughs merrily.)
(CUTTO: A press conference where SHANE SOUTHERN, wearing a suit and tie, is on the verge of tears.)
SS: Ah knew that afta winnin' that Ultratitle, Ah had ta turn the NFW East inna da greatest pure rasslin' promotion in the world! An' Ah'm so proud of our world champion, dis man be like a son to be me. FELIX RED!
(FELIX, with his blond crew cut and black tuxedo, climbs onto the stage, proudly wearing the NFW World Heavyweight title and hugs Southern. They both break down crying.)
FELIX: I just want to say I wouldn't be half the wrestler, OR HALF THE MAN, if not for Shane Southern here! I've modeled my whole life after him and with his help, I found the Lord and was born again!
(CUTTO: Joey Melton from a pedestal proudly surveys his vineyard. A commercial V/O: After work, there's nothing like a bottle of Joey Melton's Finest! The Number One Wine in the World!)
(CUTTO: Rayne, with pinned back black hair, wearing a sweater and a long skirt, teaches Sunday school.)
(CUTTO: Doc Silver and Rayne help build a house for Habitats for Humanity. They both stand weeping at Susan- O-No-Mikoto's grave, who died of heart failure without hatred to keep him alive. His gravestone is engraved with a tribute for him giving all his money away to the poor.)
(CUTTO: Craig Miles lies face-down in a pool of his own vomit at a bar. Yes, nothing's changed for him.)
(CUTTO: The Vatican where the first japanese pope, YORI I, stands before a massive crowd, waving his staff.)
YORI: And I present to you all, after years of rehab and therapy conditioning, the first bisexual man successfully driven back to heterosexuality by the Church....BEAU MICHAELS!
(Two priests wheel a comatose Beau Michaels out onto the balcony.)
CROWD: We love you! We love you!
YORI: And I love you!
(SMASH-CUT: Back to Manson, who shudders.)
MANSON: Wait a minute, so the world really is a better place without me?
JC: Yeah, what the hell did you expect?
MANSON: Well, I can't have that! It's more important than ever that I return to life to conquer the NFW again. The Ultratitle needs me, the World Heavyweight Championship needs me! The world needs me! What is it without Mike Manson? Happy? Peaceful! Bah!
(He spits.)
(Both JC and Satan sigh in relief.)
JC: That solves our problem. Now this might itch.
(He snaps his fingers near Manson's forehead and all goes white.)
(CUTTO: Manson startling awake on the health club floor as the trainers stand over him, one holding a rosary, while another is about to stake him through the heart. Manson arches his eyebrows.)
MANSON: Enough with this nonsense! I need to destroy Yori Yakamo Jr and all his dildos!
TRAINER(holding the stake): But that...that might mean designing a dildo of your own!
MANSON: I will do what I have to.
(Fade to black with sinister organ music playing in the background.)
His body lies there but suddenly the scenery around him goes black filled with a horrible star-filled outer space backdrop from 1980's tv. His body becomes transparent as it floats down through star after star.
CUEUP: The theme to Buck Rogers. Da da don da da don don, don, da da don don don don don don!
Manson snaps awake in a tunnel of light. He steps closer and closer until he finds a large ceiling fan twirling overhead. He finds its switch and turns it off. Flood lights fill the room and Manson covers his eyes, but then glimpses. In one half of the room is painted with white, heavenly clouds, while the other half has fires streaking all over the walls.
In heaven, Jesus Christ, with a goatee and wearing a white business suits, Buddha practices martial arts with a staff, L Ron Hubbard types away at a computer, and Michael Jordan shoots around with a basketball at the back.
JC nudges L Ron with his foot.)
JC: Hey, we're ready to start and you said you'd take care of this.
L RON: NOT NOW! I'm on a roll here! BATTLEFIELD MARS! It's absolutely brilliant! Tom Cruise and John Travolta have already agreed to star in it!
JC(rolling eyes): Fine, fine. Buddha, you ready if he gets out of hand?
BUDDHA(while balancing his staff on his fingertips): Of course. My fists are the wind that shivers in the frost of the winter's soul. I will shatter its ice and clutch at its cold, voided heart.
JC: Well, at leats you're not speaking in all haikus anymore. Anyway, (stands up and regards Manson), obviously, you know you've just died.
MANSON: Hardly. I've died several times before and the special effects were always better than this.
JC: We know, we know, but we got a budget up here and this is one death too many.
MANSON: Whatever. I can't be dead. I'm training for my match with Yori Yakamo Junior. He's some kind of Sextronic Man now.
JC: Definitely, he even got me to buy one of his dildos.
MANSON: I have to crush him, move back toward my Ultratitle, and then annihilate Felix Red for my world title.
JC: Don't get us started on that Felix guy. Every time he talks, I get a headache like no one ever took off that damn crown of thorns.
MANSON: Well, how do I know if I'm dead or not? Maybe someone just kidnapped and I'm trapped in a poorly-produced Fox TV special.
JC: Come on now. You think Michael Jordan would just show up for anything?
(Jordan hits a free throw.)
JORDAN: Actually, Nike asked me to be here. They've been selling a lot of Air Satans and wanted some cross-promotion.
JC: But we wear sneakers here in the crossroads between heaven and hell! Really! I mean I like Reeboks myself, but Michael never gave me that discount!
JORDAN: You never gave me that 7th world championship!
JC: You retired!
JORDAN: No, I just stopped wanting to do all the work.
(Buddha flips in between them, twirling his staff.)
BUDDHA: Stop, I command you and on with this gracious sacred quest of life and death and beyond. My hands, gifted as the most accomplished perfect physicans, will else why damage and destroy you!
JC(sighing): See, Michael? You got Buddha angry! (Turns back to Manson.) Look, if you don't believe me, just ask your friends other there.)
(On the hell side of the room, Satan, a pale, blond man in a red suit, lounges on a sofa. A tall man wearing a black plastic cape and a gray alien mask stands with his back to Manson. Dracula is hanging out in the corner, sucking down on a Hi-C.)
SATAN: Hey Mikey, you missed poker last week.
MANSON: I had two matches in one night!
SATAN: Still, you got Xenu mad at you.
XENU(to Satan): Tell him I'm not talking to him.
MANSON: This doesn't mean I'm dead. I was just hanging out with Vlad the other night while we were raiding that virgins' coven!
DRACULA(in thick Hungarian accent): And yet I'm the one with herpes!
MANSON: I told you not to bite down there!
DRACULA: I saw you do it!
MANSON: With a pair of false teeth! Much as I'm loathe to admit it, the postmodern vampire might opt to invest in a Yori Love dildo with fangs.
DRACULA: Hm. Mayhap.
SATAN: Anyway, let me prove you're dead. (Searches under sofa cushions and pulls out Wonder Woman's lasso of truth.) I found this in Joey Melton's trash. I swear that man would throw away a gem.
(He ties it around himself and throws the other end to Manson.)
SATAN: I am the fallen angle, prince of lies, and the king of hell. Mike Manson, you are dead. I also have plans to invade heaven, I like to watch Battlestar Galavtica Friday night. My girlfriend's name is Amber. I have raped her many, many times.
MANSON: And how do I know this is a REAL lasso of truth?
SATAN: Okay, okay. Just pretend this is another really stupid skit and go along with it.
MANSON: Well, why didn't you just say so? Now if I'm dead, whaty are we all meeting about?
JC: Obviously, you can't get into heaven.
MANSON: And why not?
JC: You started a petition for the Crocodile Hunter's body to be eaten by crocodiles and had his family sign it!
MANSON: It was his mythic destiny!
JC: Then you had Nazi-Hunter Jonas Khatz fed to Nazis!
(CLIP: A hugely, muscled behemoth, bare-chested with a star of david tattooed there, swaying blond hair, holds a pair of machine guns, tearing apart Nazis. Doctor Hitler, wearing a bloody mad scientists's smock throws a switch and unleashes hungry, zombie Nazi slaves!)
MANSON: They were hungry! I'm not made of stone!
JC: You beat up the pope and took his place for a whole month!
MANSON: I can't help it if everyone liked my free deviant love and church-burning policies! Not to mention my new Ten Commandments kicked ass. 'Thou shalt not bathe," indeed!
JC: You've driven men insane with your sex tape video! You developed and sold the formual to Really New Coke! You've pretended to be a pedophile on the internet to get young children to cut adults with razors! You built a man out of Bible pages and then lit him on fire! You've maimed people! Ruined careers! Destroyed marriages! You had Beau Michaels married into a threesome with Cameron Cruise and his wife!
MANSON: And they were never happier!
JC: You've gievn people cancer and seizures! You've lied, cheated, stolen! You've turned the NFW into a cesspool!
MANSON: Come now, that's damn fine entertainment! Ratings are higher than ever. Let's be honest. Letting me in puts you in trouble. Your dad is looking for new blood.
JC: Curse you and your infernal charisma!
MANSON(turning to Satan): And I guess I'd take over hell.
SATAN: Mikey! Mikey! I'm doing you a favor! You've got too big an imagination for just hell! What are we going to do all the time down there? Play cards with Xenu?
XENU(scoffing): I'm not talking to you either now.
MANSON: And the alternative?
JC: We'd like to show you what the world would be like without Michael Manson.
MANSON: I figured. It is Christmastime. Have to reel out all the old cliches.
(JC snaps his fingers and we fade to RAINBOW. FADEIN: The Emperors Arena where Jason Payne and Jonathan Marx wrestle a classic catch-a-catch can wrestling match. The crowd roars with approval at every headlock.)
(CUTTO: The Mad Hatter, dressed as Santa, letting children sit in his lap as he laughs merrily.)
(CUTTO: A press conference where SHANE SOUTHERN, wearing a suit and tie, is on the verge of tears.)
SS: Ah knew that afta winnin' that Ultratitle, Ah had ta turn the NFW East inna da greatest pure rasslin' promotion in the world! An' Ah'm so proud of our world champion, dis man be like a son to be me. FELIX RED!
(FELIX, with his blond crew cut and black tuxedo, climbs onto the stage, proudly wearing the NFW World Heavyweight title and hugs Southern. They both break down crying.)
FELIX: I just want to say I wouldn't be half the wrestler, OR HALF THE MAN, if not for Shane Southern here! I've modeled my whole life after him and with his help, I found the Lord and was born again!
(CUTTO: Joey Melton from a pedestal proudly surveys his vineyard. A commercial V/O: After work, there's nothing like a bottle of Joey Melton's Finest! The Number One Wine in the World!)
(CUTTO: Rayne, with pinned back black hair, wearing a sweater and a long skirt, teaches Sunday school.)
(CUTTO: Doc Silver and Rayne help build a house for Habitats for Humanity. They both stand weeping at Susan- O-No-Mikoto's grave, who died of heart failure without hatred to keep him alive. His gravestone is engraved with a tribute for him giving all his money away to the poor.)
(CUTTO: Craig Miles lies face-down in a pool of his own vomit at a bar. Yes, nothing's changed for him.)
(CUTTO: The Vatican where the first japanese pope, YORI I, stands before a massive crowd, waving his staff.)
YORI: And I present to you all, after years of rehab and therapy conditioning, the first bisexual man successfully driven back to heterosexuality by the Church....BEAU MICHAELS!
(Two priests wheel a comatose Beau Michaels out onto the balcony.)
CROWD: We love you! We love you!
YORI: And I love you!
(SMASH-CUT: Back to Manson, who shudders.)
MANSON: Wait a minute, so the world really is a better place without me?
JC: Yeah, what the hell did you expect?
MANSON: Well, I can't have that! It's more important than ever that I return to life to conquer the NFW again. The Ultratitle needs me, the World Heavyweight Championship needs me! The world needs me! What is it without Mike Manson? Happy? Peaceful! Bah!
(He spits.)
(Both JC and Satan sigh in relief.)
JC: That solves our problem. Now this might itch.
(He snaps his fingers near Manson's forehead and all goes white.)
(CUTTO: Manson startling awake on the health club floor as the trainers stand over him, one holding a rosary, while another is about to stake him through the heart. Manson arches his eyebrows.)
MANSON: Enough with this nonsense! I need to destroy Yori Yakamo Jr and all his dildos!
TRAINER(holding the stake): But that...that might mean designing a dildo of your own!
MANSON: I will do what I have to.
(Fade to black with sinister organ music playing in the background.)