"Looks Into the Rays of the New Stoner Sun Rising..."
OOC: Having no PC of my own kinda killed my particpation on the home stretch, so, I'm just going to have fun with this without any consideration toward trying to win.
CK BEANS, DUDE!!"
(We fade in from black... not in St. Louis. Not on Rocko Daymon for that matter. What we see instead is the disbelieving face of "THE DRAGONAUT" ERIK BLACK, one half of tag team legends, THE CHRONIC COLLIZION!!, formerly the Crimson Calling.)
You did not -- DID NOT!!
-- just refer to the ALMIGHTY that is SLEEP
as a damned COVER BAND
, did you?
(The former EPW and A1E tag team champion shakes his head, tsk-tsking.)
You see... THIS is the problem with the world...
So many self-proclaimed metal
fans out there think it began and ended with Ozzy Osbourne. Nevermind the fact that Ozzy didn't write a single lyric during his time in Sabbath and was unquestionably the most replaceable member of the band... but these days, it seems that people think all of the world's best metal happens on Ozzfest.
It's hardly the best
metal out there; it's just the most marketable.
And that's not to say anything negative about the FORE-FATHERS of stoner rock that is BLACK SABBATH
, but seriously...
Impact, or Invoice, or whoever the hell you are... for a guy who goes as far back into another wrestler's career to dig up his old gimmicks
... I'd figure you would at the very least
type those five letters into a simple Wikipedia to research the UNRIVALED AWESOMENESS
that is the stoner rock power trio, Sleep...
(For that matter, when did Rocko Daymon say anything about Black Sabbath or Sleep with his own voice? If I recall correctly, those were notes in the narration. I'm R.R. Strawsma, NOT Rocko Daymon. To my credit, I can still distinguish myself from my characters. I pray there are others in this game like me.)
Hey man, stop interrupting my promo!
(It's not even your thread, dude!)
Anyway, Indigo... prepare to have your mind EXPANDED...
(Erik takes a moment to clear his throat... but after three or four consecutive "AHEMS", doesn't seem satisifed. He picks something up sitting off camera... it's a bong. He lights it, draws the slide, holds in the hit for a moment...)
(...and extended moment...)
(...and releases two massive lungfuls of smoke into the air. Nodding, he waits for the mist clear before speaking to the camera again.)
The beginnings of the PANTHEON OF MUSIC GODS known as SLEEP began on the West Coast in the late 80's, formed then as the four-piece doom metal band Asbestosdeath, by bassist Al Cisneros, drummer Chris Hakius, and guitarists Matt Pike and Tom Choi.
After Choi split to form his own band, he was replaced by Justin Marler, and the band adopted a new, more BADASS, name: SLEEP.
After the first album, Volume 1, Marler quit to... GET THIS... join a life as holistic monk.
The band went power-trio, and it was THEN they made their impact on the world of music...
In the year 1992, Sleep released the greatest and most important album
to have EVER
been pressed into CD format...
SLEEP'S HOLY MOUNTAIN
(Because he has it handy, he holds up the physical album, in its vinyl sleeve.)
(WHOA, dude... I might have to take those shrooms later on and trip balls while looking at that...)
Beyond a doubt, THE
quintessential BIRTH of the popular genre today known at "stoner rock"...
With influences ranging from Black Sabbath to Blue Cheer to St. Vitus... the album was a retro tribute
to classic rock intermixed with the modern trend of rock and metal being unforgiveably HEAVY as hell!
The album garned widespread critical acclaim for its time, and the band became one of the biggest underground acts in the early 90s, right around when grunge was riding its gravy train.
It was so
successful that, naturally, some crew of hot-shot record executives came around to the bright idea that they could make a lot of money through this GODSEND
of a band.
Worked with OZZY, right?
Not long after the release of their hallmark album, the band was picked up by the major record label, London Records. The record company forwarded a whole lot of money and threw the band into the studio under the impression that they would produce an album equal to the sheer awesomeness
of Sleep's Holy Mountain
What they got instead... was something far cooler
that anybody could have ever imagined.
The guys took the money, used it to buy a ton of vintage amps, and essentially smoked
the rest of it. When they finally came out of the studio, their OPUS -- DOPESMOKER
-- had been birthed...
Sixty-three minutes, and only one
simply DEVASTATING song!
I could go on for hours
over the sheer brilliance of this decision to transcend the norms of the music industry with something so fu
... but that's for another time.
The record executives, obviously, didn't see it that way. In their mind, an album with only one really huge song on it didn't seem very profitable
. So, they shelved the project until the band got its **** together.
What did the minds of Cisneros, Pike, and Hakius decide then?
They broke up.
(Black briefly holds a hand up over his heart as though to keep it from ripping itself out of his ribcage and throwing itself off a high bridge. Then he continues.)
A sad occurence... but nevertheless, a necessary
Rather than allow the industry to mold them
into something they weren't
and would never be
, the band called it quits to retain their integrity. They decided that it wasn't worth sacrificing their artistry
to join the "rich-and-famous" club of the music world.
I'm sure there are very few bands out there that would make the same choice, but then... that's why most
of the bands out there suck four different varieties of balls.
In the wake of Sleep's break-up, the album was released as a bootleg under the title "Jerusalem". In 2003, it was extended to its origial length and format under its original name "Dopesmoker".
(He must have his record collection at his feet, because he holds up yet another vinyl sleeve...)
After Sleep, Al and Chris went on to form OM... a band that consists solely of drums and bass in ten-minute-long trance-like songs. Matt Pike went on to form the highly successful HIGH ON FIRE, currently a widely-known power metal act.
In May earlier this year, the band reunited after fifteen years
of being apart to do a once in a lifetime show... in ENGLAND
of all places...
...which I MISSED
... because my spacevan doesn't quite have amphibious means of transport.
But, that doesn't matter now. You at least have a juvenile understand of the greatest band in the history of music, no ******* questions asked
, and that much leaves me satisfied.
Let's go back to this "cover band" issue.
To date, the band has only TWO Black Sabbath cover: the aforementioned "Lord Of This World", which was released on their Volume 2 vinyl-only EP, and "Snowblind", released exclusively on the Man's Ruin Records Black Sabbath tribute CD.
I suppose you could count three
if you're a mondo fan like me
and include their rendition of N.I.B. on their bootleg live show, live from Berkeley, California in good ol' '92.
(Black sets he record down... and picks up the bong again. Lights it. Draws the slide...)
(...and lets it out.)
Now, this isn't my match... so I don't really have a say
in any of this as to who is right or wrong, or who is going to win, or anything like that.
I wish I could sit here and tell you I watched the promos and the both of you have good points and all that crap, but... honestly, somewhere in all that, I got high, and kinda... passed out.
But it really leaves me to wonder, Impaler... if you're that wrong
on your understanding of SLEEP... where does that leave the basis of your entire argument?
Think about it. I'll wait.
(I have a digital clock, so there is no ticking.)
(...but five minutes later, we're still waiting. In fact, it could be possible that Erik Black himself forgot he was waiting.)
...hm, oh what?
(You're still cutting a promo.)
(YES! Impulse? Sleep?)
Oh yeah, SLEEP!!
Hey dude... take your own advice and stop breaking the fourth wall already. It's just plain tacky.
Anyway, Impoverished... I'm sure you're a great wrestler and all, so good luck in your match. But in the future, if you set your well of knowledge over a spring that's gone sour, do yourself a favor and don't drink from it
Or you'll fail the piss-test of life.
That was deep, bro.
(Apparently, Erik's tag partner is holding the camera.)
On that note, let's toke the hell up and give one of these records a spin.
Far out, bro!
(Camera cuts to black. Somewhere in St. Louis, Rocko Daymon checks his bag for the last tape in his possession that would have become his promo... and surprisingly, he can't find it. No matter, he thinks to himself before walking back into the gym to continue his training.)