PbPro Quintuple Crown Title Match: Irishred v. Justin Evitable (c)
TILL: Now we present our first of three title matches tonight as two MBE originals battle it out for the prestigious PbPro Quintuple Crown Title.
DR. P: Truly Till, this I await with baited breath. It may sound like snoring to you, but it’s baited breath.
TILL: And on a personal note, I am especially looking forward to this match just because it pisses you off, Doctor.
DR. P: You are a petty, petty man, Till.
“Bad Company” starts on the arena sound system, and the crowd gives Irishred a warm welcome to the bayou.
TILL: Red had this title unfairly taken from him by the despicable actions of Freakfish. I am glad to see him get a rematch.
DR. P: Hey, FF entered the Battle Royale fair and square. Red said he would take on all comers.
TILL: I don’t think all comers includes a taser Dr. P.
DR. P: Well, it included a fully sentient wrestling sex robot, so you are splitting hairs there, Till.
TILL: A valid point, I suppose.
Red removes his Denver Broncos jersey and hands it to the timekeeper for safe keeping. He limbers up in the ring as “Vicarious” plays and the PbPro Quintuple Crown Champion, Justin Evitable makes his way to ringside, five Thai Hookers in tow, each carrying one of the belts.
TILL: Red looks less than happy with this display.
DR. P: I never pictured Red as a bastion of good taste but I must agree with the monsieur of the Midwest here.
TILL: Red has been on Justin all week to drop the sex parties and goofiness and prove that he belongs at the top. But I don’t see how you can argue with the True Face’s success so far.
DR. P: I can, seeing as he is still Justin Evitable, and will no doubt choke the belts away to Red, and I will die a little more inside.
Justin does some hip thrusting in the ring and Red gets in his face, telling him to be serious for once in his life, before Red mops the ring with him. Justin shoves Red off and tells him to stay out of the champ’s way. Ooh, Red didn’t like that one bit and has to be held off by the ref. Justin climbs the turnbuckles and bends over while the Thai Hookers whip him with each of the belts in succession and Justin gets…excited.
DR. P: Ugh, what a distasteful display.
TILL: The crowd does seem to be enjoying it.
Indeed, the crowd sounds their approval, while Red watches incredulously. Finally, the Thai Hookers hand the belts over to the ref and he shows them to both competitors as Vinman takes to the mic.
VINMAN: The following contest is set for one fall with a sixty minute time limit and is for the PbPro Quintuple Crown Title. Your referee is senior PbPro Referee Kenji Yamaguchi.
Standing to my right is the challenger. He stands six feet tall and weighs in at two hundred and thirty five pounds. He hails from Yankton, SD and is a former MBE Extreme Champion and PbPro Quintuple Crown Champion, he is the don of the Midwestern Mafia. This…is…IRISHHHHHHHHHHREEEEEDDDDD!
And his opponent, from Boston, Masachusetts, he stands six foot four inches tall and weighs in at two hundred and twenty five pounds, plus five pounds of cockmeat…he is the Rated R Popstar, Every Parent’s Nightmare and the TRUE FACE of Message Board Entertainment, and he is YOUR PbPro Quintuple Crown Champion…..JUSTINNNNNNNNNNN EVITABBBBBBBBLLLLLLLEEEEEE!
Red rolls his eyes at this introduction and returns to his corner while Justin points to his crotch some more.
The bell sounds to start the match and Justin offers Red a handshake. Red warily takes it.
TILL: A show of good sportsmanship between these two gladiators.
DR. P: Booooooooring.
Collar and elbow tie-up. Red bulls Justin into the corner. The ref uses his five count and Red breaks at four, cleanly. He pats Justin on the chest and encourages him to bring it. Collar and elbow again. Justin gains the advantage and pins Red in the corner. Ref Yamaguchi counts to four before Justin also breaks. He grabs his crotch and declares “this is where the power lies.” Red gets right in his face and tells him to cut out this garbage. This is the biggest match of his career right here. Justin piefaces Red down.
TILL: Oooh, Justin not being intimidated at all.
Red is up and slaps Justin, then slaps him again. Justin hauls off and decks Red. He punts the Midwestern Mafioso while he is down and says that he is MBE now. Red shoots the double from the mat and takes Justin down. He grabs the mount and starts raining haymakers down on Justin. Justin sweeps and ends up on top as the two roll around trying to break the other’s nose. They roll into the ropes and the ref tries to get a break, but only results in shoving the two out onto the mats. Red is up first and catches Justin with a knee to the “lower abdomen” before posting him headfirst into the steps.
TILL: Red is in his element out here.
DR. P: This is about the most inelegant wrestling display in a PbPro title match since Bobby R unfortunately held these five belts.
TILL: Well, that was unnecessary.
DR. P: But accurate.
Red tries to slam Justin’s head into the apron, but the True Face blocks it and slams his elbow into Red’s midsection. He goes downstairs as well before adding a DDT on the floor.
TILL: That could knock Red for a loop.
DR. P: Well certainly any brain damage could only improve his demeanor.
Justin quickly rolls Red into the ring and covers
Red kicks out.
TILL: Smart thinking by Justin to go for the pin there.
DR. P: I think that is the first time anyone has used the words Justin and smart in the same sentence.
Irish whip and Justin hits a flying back elbow as Red bounces off the ropes. Standing moonsault and the True Face covers again.
Red kicks out.
Justin plays to the crowd a bit before signaling that it is time for the After Party.
TILL: Justin wasting no time bringing out the heavy artillery.
Red slips free and lands on his feet behind Justin and drives a series of knees into Justin’s kidneys. Justin is shocked by the shots, allowing Red to add a bulldog to take control.
TILL: Red learned those sweet moves in his extensive training fighting criminals in prison for cigarettes.
DR. P: Exactly the man we want as the face of this company, or any company really. Though I suppose he would be fine as the face of a repo company or something.
Red stomps down on Justin’s kidneys some more before grabbing a half crab and punishing the True Face.
TILL: One shouldn’t overlook that Red is a truly sadistic individual when his hackles are properly raised.
DR. P: I think you covered that with the whole prison aside.
Justin crawls for the corner and finally finds the cool embrace of the bottom rope. Red judiciously works his five count for all it is worth before breaking the hold.
TILL: Justin may have slightly underestimated what he was getting into by taking this match.
DR. P: What, you don’t think he trains hard in between his Sexy Parties and Thai Hooker rubdowns?
Red drops some elbows across Justin’s back as he tries to rise. Irish whip into the corner and Justin slams straight to the mat as his back hits the turnbuckles.
TILL: Justin may be peeing blood for a while as Red has done a number on him already.
DR. P: Not to mention this sets Justin up perfectly for Red’s signature COLD SHOT.
Red wants to inflict more punishment first, though, as he hoists Justin onto his shoulders before depositing him back on the mat with a vicious Samoan Drop. Red covers.
Justin kicks out.
Red tosses Justin up against the ropes and ties his arms up, despite the ref’s protestations. He peppers Justin with body blows before finishing with a running dropkick to the sternum as Ref Yamaguchi finally frees the True Face.
TILL: Justin is taking quite a beating from Irish Red.
DR. P: He is thrashing him like the proverbial red-headed stepchild. Granted Red is almost old enough to be his father.
Red drags Justin into the center of the ring and applies a bow and arrow.
TILL: Red breaking out his technical knowledge.
DR. P: Annnnnnnndddddd….he’s used it up.
Justin manages to break the hold and flop on top for a cover.
Red kicks out.
Red goes right back on the offensive, laying Justin out as he rises with a short clothesline.
TILL: Red is just picking apart the Quintuple Crown Champion.
DR. P: Perhaps Justin should have spent more time in the gym and less time in those sketchy massage parlors in the French Quarter.
TILL: I thought you wanted Red to lose.
DR. P: Really, I’m hoping for some sort of double career-ending accident, but I am not letting that get in the way of doing my job.
TILL: How magnanimous of you.
Red whips Justin into the turnbuckles again, but Justin gets a foot up and pushes off, catching Red with a back elbow as the Midwestern Mafioso blindly charges in after him. Justin sets himself and leaps to the top rope. He moonsaults off and tries for a very spectacular looking DDT, but Red drops the airborne Justin straight down in a sitout spinebuster.
TILL: A hyooge counter from Irishred. This could be it!
Justin gets a shoulder up.
TILL: Justin barely escaped there. I thought that was it.
DR. P: And as usual, you look like a fool.
TILL: Nevertheless, Justin has to be nearly broken in two after that big time spinebuster from Irishred.
Red locks on a camel clutch.
TILL: Red is sitting down right on the small of Justin’s back. The pressure on his lower back and kidneys has to be intense.
DR. P: Truly, all those massages he got this week from Thai Hookers couldn’t have prepared him for this level of pain.
Justin declines Red’s exhortations to tap out and spare himself permanent damage. Red cranks back on the hold and Justin begins to spit out some blood.
TILL: The referee may have to step in and stop this thing, before it gets out of hand.
DR. P: And rob me of the joy of seeing Justin Evitable vomit up his circulatory system, never!
Justin finally makes it to the ropes forcing a break. Red drags him right back to the center of the ring and drops both knees across Justin’s back. He quickly covers.
Justin kicks out.
TILL: Justin is showing a ton of heart in this match.
DR. P: And not a whole lot of brains.
Red heads up top and says that it’s over.
TILL: Red only goes up to the high rent district if he has one thing on his mind, and that’s the Cold Shot!
Red leaps off for the coup de grace, but at the last second Justin swings around and delivers two boots right to the mush.
TILL: A desperation counter from the True Face! Both men are down.
Ref Yamaguchi starts a standing ten count.
Red starts to stand on wobbly legs
Justin rolls to the ropes.
Red is up.
Justin is up!
Red tries to drive an axe handle down on Justin, but the True Face delivers a haymaker to Red’s stomach. Justin follows with a desperation German Suplex!
TILL: Now Red is down! Justin deposited him right on his skull, but can the True Face capitalize?
Justin crawls over, but Red is already making his way to his feet. Justin whips Red off the ropes and catches him with a leg lariat. He waits for Red to rise…
TILL: Justin is stalking Red…SKEETBOARD…
DR. P: NO! Red ducks!
TILL: But Justin lands on his feet. He spins around…..VMA! Out of nowhere!
Red kicks out.
TILL: If Justin had more left in the tank he might have hooked the leg and gotten the win right there.
Justin pulls the groggy Red to his feet and sets him for another VMA…
TILL: Red blocks it…a lungblower! Red just drove both knees square into the kidneys of Justin. The champ is down on the mat and writhing in pain!
Red heads up top again, but the chorus of boos from the crowd turns his attention to the entrance way, where FF, Promo, Ravage and A take a leisurely stroll to ringside.
TILL: What are those bastards doing out here?
DR. P: Well I think the answer to that question would be self-evident; they want a closer look at the end of this somewhat dramatic match-up for their home organization’s most prestigious title.
The distraction allows Justin time to recover and he crotches Red up top. Justin heads up after him, while Ref Yamaguchi confronts the interlopers, but after some very stern words in Japanese from A, the ref bows apologetically.
TILL: I don’t like where this is going one bit. It looks like the fix is in.
DR. P: How scandalous! To accuse a professional wrestling match of being rigged! What deaf monkey gave you this job?
Justin delivers a massive Top Rope DDT to Red and both men are laid out on the canvas. A and FF enter the ring, while Ravage and Promo discuss current events with Ref Yamaguchi.
TILL: Red has been through a war, let the match end fairly.
But much to Till, and the crowd’s surprise it is Justin Evitable that is the target of FF and A’s wrath. FF and A lift Justin up and deliver a spiked A Bomb to the canvas.
TILL: What is going on here?!
A and FF roust Red who smiles and takes a hand getting back to his feet. FF rubs down Red’s shoulders as A stomps at the downed Justin Evitable.
TILL: IRISHRED HAS JOINED FORCES WITH PBPRO!
DR. P: Well, now that you have caught up with the rest of us, I must offer sincere applause for Red making the best career decision of his life. I, on behalf of our PbPro overlords, welcome the Midwestern Mafioso to the fold.
TILL: This makes me sick, why would Red turn on MBE like this?
DR. P: One might guess he finally came to his senses, and realized sticking his lot in with a bunch of losers and perverts was a fool’s gambit. But shush now, we have a match to finish calling.
Red heads up top as FF and A stretch out Justin on the mat and Red delivers the COLD SHOT!
DR. P: Ah! Fabulous! Certainly we will crown a new glorious PbPro 5-Crown Champion now.
Red covers as Ref Yamaguchi suddenly remembers he is on the clock.
WINNER (and new PbPro Quintuple Crown Champion): IRISHRED
TILL: What a travesty! Red has betrayed MBE and all he holds dear.
DR. P: Now, now, don’t put words in his mouth, I am sure he has a rational explanation for making such a bold and savvy career move.
Red is handed the titles by PbPro and he humbly accepts them before slamming the Pacific Rim Title into Justin’s head as he tries to get to his feet. Red spits on Justin’s bloody carcass as he exits ringside and the fans little him with trash.
DR. P: That is no way to treat a world’s champion, let alone one five times over.
TILL: PbPro adds five more belts to their sham collection of titles.
DR. P: Red wouldn’t like it if he heard you saying that.
TILL: Since when do you give two ****s about what that deceitful little **** Irishred says.
DR. P: I have to admit, at some point in the match he won me over. Can’t say where, I mean it was a bravura performance from start to finish.
TILL: Folks, we will try to get a word in with Irishred, and we still have a steel cage grudge match coming up.
DR. P: Where no doubt our benevolent PbPro overlords will improve to two and oh on this evening’s festivities.