That's My Shawn!
FADE IN:
A private room at Club Déjà Vu - 2:04 A.M.
CUE UP: "That's the Joint" by the Sugarhill Gang and Funky 4+1
Chilling around a large, circular table, upon which a buxom blonde dancer writhes and undulates, are the LoC champion, SHAWN JESSICA HART, PhD, his sister FELICA, and a whole host of odd characters, all of which are seemingly transfixed upon the woman's curves.
CLOSE ON: The Phenom as he looks into the camera and raises his glass with a smile.
SJH: "Heyoooooooooooo!! And WELCOME to a RAUCOUS edition of the latest and GREATEST sensation never to hit network airwaves..."
CUT TO: The stripper, who flings her raven hair back, bites her lower lip, and moans into the camera.
DANCER: "That's... Myyyyyyyy.... Ssshhaaaaaaaawn..."
CUT TO: SJH, who raises his glass once more.
SJH: "HEYOOOOOOOOOO!! I'm your host, the Prime Minister of Gettin' Sinister, and the topic of today's discussion: ROCKO DAYMON! SJH! THE NEW HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE... and just which one of these fiiiiiiiiiiiine individuals are gonna walk out with it! Joining me in today's chat, perhaps the FINEST panel of expert analysts EVER assembled, my sister, Felicia Hart..."
CUT TO: A somewhat wobbly Felicia, who can only manage to raise her glass a half-inch or so off of the table.
FELICIA: "H-heya baby.... You lllllike 'deez?"
With the aforementioned glass still in her hand and STILL half-filled with a dry martini, she attempts to fondle her own breasts. CUT TO: Hart, who's dishing out his best courtesy laugh.
SJH: "Heh.... heh......... O-K! Joining her on today's panel, one of my closest personal friends and an EXPERT in the art of hand-to-hand combat.... CHEWIE!!! Hah, say hello nnnnnndaddio!!"
CUT TO: Hart's only Wookie friend, CHEWBACCA, who raises his pitcher of Tetley's.
CHEWIE: "GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!"
Canned laughter. CUT TO: Shawn - shaking his head with a smirk on his face.
SJH: "You DOG!! Ha-haaaa!!"
CHEWIE: "Rrrbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggrrrrrrr errrrrrrrrr..."
SJH: "And finally, my spiritual advisor and personal liaison to the other side. An artist, an entrepreneur, and a modern philosopher in his own right - some call him Big Baby Jesus, others... Dirt McGirt. Me? I call him the ghost of OL'...... DIRTY.... BAS-TAAAAAAAAAAARD!!"
CUT TO: ODB (not) in the flesh, appearing before us in an ethereal haze a la Obi-Won at the end of Jedi.
ODB: "Introducin' - YO, F
(FCC)CK that nigga's name; my hip-hop drops on your head like RAIN!"
The camera pans back to Hart, who is still doing his best Ed McMahon impression.
SJH: "Yeeeeeeeeah buddy!! Not even DEATH can kill your flow!"
With an expression like stone, Ol' Dirty no-sells Shawn's line, instead electing to launch a query at the Phenom.
ODB: "Yo, am I gettin' paid for this?"
Felicia interjects.
FELICIA: "Heeey, Dir-TAY! Baby I got'cha money, don't you worrrrrrrry..."
ODB: "Keep it nappy or braided up. Dirty in the cockpit, blazin' up."
The female Hart swoons.
ODB: "Mmm. You're so SEXY!! I just wanna-"
Felicia attempts to wrap her arms around the spirit, who just so happens to be seated next to her, only to fall THROUGH him and land drunkenly on the floor with a THUD. In the meantime, we cut back to SJH.
OH, and just in case you were wondering, the stripper is still doing her thing. Cheers.
SJH: "Now, to get things started, let me just say that I'm thrilled and honored and THRILLED to be receiving a shot at the title in the place where perhaps my BEST years were spent, WFW: New Era!! NOBODY had a tenure of sweet success and singular SEXCELLENCE in both World's Finest... aaaaaaaand NEW quite like I did, INCLUDING my esteemed opponent... just check WFW:NE's most recent home video release, LIVE, LOVE, LARIAT --- available for all you HART-broken Phenom Fiends on my personal web site, Shawn Hart com dot slash org com dot net HTP, for only $19.99 and you TOO can relive all the great moments!!
SJH pauses for a beat to catch his breath.
SJH: "Chewbacca - your thoughts?!"
CUT TO: Chewie, who is now salivating over the girl on the table. (See, I totally didn't forget her.)
CHEWIE: "ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!"
Felicia giggles in the background. The camera pans over to her as she finally finds her way back to her seat.
FELICIA: "That is..... SOOOOOOO true, Chewie!!
CUT TO: Hart, nodding intently.
SJH: "That's real talk. Straight up. And it really makes one wonder - despite his self-professed evolution and REGARDLESS of his claims that in the wake of his personal growth, I've remained the same Silly Willy I've been since day one - what EXACTLY will unfold when the two of us go toe to toe. Mr. Jones?"
He looks to Ol' Dirty's ghost for an answer. CUT TO: The man himself as he offers his appraisal of the situation.
ODB: "First things first, man. He's f
(FCC)ckin' with the worst. You be stickin' pins in his head like a f
(FCC)ckin' nurse!"
Felicia seconds this opinion as she sways from side to side, spilling yet another martini to and fro as she does so.
FELICIA: "Y-yeeeeeeeaaahh!!
*burp* Kick his assss, sea baaasssssss!!"
The shot cuts back to Hart, who looks directly into the camera and gives the thumbs up.
SJH: "I'll do so, sis!! But his won't be a defeat that will leave him maimed and even MORE useless to a woman than he already is. NOSSIR!! When we're in there, in that war zone, I'm gonna kick his filibustering ass LOVINGLY. Cuz in case you haven't noticed, our veiled verbal barbs at one another aside, that LOVE seems to be flowing freely between us like it never has before! I mean, I acknowledged that he's basically owned my ass for the last decade, and he was quick to cop to the fact that my name will probably be whispered by the lips of endless generations. So regardless of our differences, ours is a war built on a foundation of mutual respect. Right Chewie?"
CUT TO: Chewbacca - dry-humping a cardboard cut-out of Rocko.
CHEWIE: "Errbrrbrrbrrrrrrr.... ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!"
SJH is HORRIFIED!!! But not really.
SJH: "Oh! Oh no!! That's just-"
Chewbacca repositions Daymon's cardboard likeness so that its head is lined up with his groin.
SJH: "Oh.... GOD!! Chewie!! Don't do it! That's totally wro-"
Chewbacca begins thrusting his pelvis into Rocko's face.
SJH: "Ohp, there it is. Right in the mouth...."
Hump. Hump. Hump. Hump.
SJH: "Yyyyyyyyep! Screwed in this match AND screwed by Chewbacca..."
CHEWIE: "GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!"
SJH: "Good grief. What say you, Big Baby?"
CUT TO: ODB's chair, which lies empty. CUT TO: Felicia's spot, where the younger Hart is passed out, face down on the table. Meanwhile, ODB has taken up behind her and is following Chewie's lead by ecto-humping Felicia!
SJH: "You BASTARD!! You can't do that to my sister!!"
ODB: "Let me take a ride - get up in that poop and slide!"
The Phenom is NOT impressed.
SJH: "Oh Dirty. That's just foul. There'll be no getting up in that poop and sliding on my show! We're here to talk about Rocko Daymon's impending doom, my ascension back to the TOP SPOT in the industry, and the utter futility with which the rest of the wrestling world is faced in denying me my moment in the sun! So can the two of you halt the humping and get back on-"
Suddenly, Ray Stanz and Egon Spengler burst onto the scene, proton packs fully-powered and neutrona wands a blazin'!
RAY: EGON! I've got him!!"
Ray's stream ensnares ODB's ghost, followed in short order by Egon's.
EGON: "I'm on it, Ray! Throw the trap!"
Ray releases his stream, yanks a trap from off of his pack and tosses it under ODB. Ray then slams his foot on the switch, the trap's doors fly open, and DOWN goes the ghost, ecto-humping the whole way down. Upon reaching the trap, its doors slam shut over the undead rapper and the trap's red light begins to blink. In the background, Hart is utterly dumbfounded.
RAY: "One in the box!"
EGON: "Ready to go!"
RAY: "We be fast..."
RAY AND EGON: "AND THEY BE SLOW!!"
SJH storms up to the Ghostbusters.
SJH: "What in the BLUE HELL are you guys doing?! Can't you see I'm filming a talk show here!"
Ray steps to the Phenom.
RAY: "We're sorry, Mr. Hart... but with a Class Four Full-Torsoed Specter on the scene, we had no choice but to engage the slimy little thing. Now, if we can talk about the bill for the capturing and containment of the spook..."
SJH: "Wha-whaaaaa?!"
Suddenly, a pale flash shoots across the group and Egon interjects.
EGON: "RAY, look!! It's the ghost of Rocko Daymon's career!!!"
Ray grits his teeth excitedly.
RAY: "GET HER!!"
As quickly as they arrived, the Ghostbusters were gone in a flash, chasing their ghost out of the room. CLOSE ON: SJH, who surveys what remains of his panel: Felicia is sleeping in a puddle of her own drool and Chewie has found his way to the top of the table where he dances suggestively with the buxom blonde. Hart shakes his head at the whole situation, then looks into the camera.
SJH: "Why is it that ANY TIME you bring Rocko Daymon into the situation, everything goes to Hell?"
The Prime Minister of Gettin' Sinister chuckles to himself.
SJH: "Heh.... OK Daymon. So I'll admit that my presentation here is a bit over the top, but SO WHAT!! None of it changes the fact that I'm about to drop your ramblin' ass like you perpetually DROP THE BALL!!
I mean, I LOVE YA, Rock... REALLY! But come Raucous, your reign of terror comes to an END!! Call it a mockery, call it an outrage, call it whatever the hell ya like. Shawn Hart calls it the TRUTH!
And when we're in that ring, the truth is gonna HURT!!
Hart laughs at himself once again.
Like a Wookie cock to the FACE...
Eww.
SJH: "The Phenom has left the building!!!"
FADE OUT.