Dancing with the Tards.
FADE IN: SJH takes center-stage on the dance floor of a large ball room with denizens of curious on-lookers watching from their tables. As he does so, the house lights dim and a spotlight is thrust upon him.
HART: "Mr. Payne... insane in the membrane, the vanguard of my bane, tryin' to skulk and scheme, but your methods are plain. Heh, sure... I took the bait, and for a quick minute there, it looked as if you'd single-handedly displaced the Prime Minister of Gettin' Sinister from his just due and perched yourself atop the New Era/Empire Pro Supershow mountain. A good play, for sure, but if my years in this business have taught me anything, it's that nobody does ANYTHING single-handed. Without a willing mark to succumb to their shenanigans and second their scandals, their perilous plans crash and burn the moment they're hatched."
Dramatic pause.
HART: "In other words..."
The Phenom extends his hand... and from the darkness, his sister FELICIA grasps it.
HART: "It takes TWO to TANGO!!!"
The dazzling duo executes a magnificent Milonguero Cross. As the audience applauds, the former NEW champ breaks the hold and focuses on the camera once again.
HART: "...And yours is a dance I have no interest in doing, Mr. Payne, thus my request for this match is granted. At stake, the very invite you conspired to SNAKE from me, and the chance to show the collective fan base of TWO promotions that Shawn Jessica Bubbles Hart ain't no flash in the pan!"
FELICIA: "You tell him, bro!"
Hart hears his sister, brings her back in close, and locks eyes with the lovely Felicia.
HART: "Mambo with me, mama!"
SJH takes the lead and the two swing across the floor with a series of arm wraps and crossover swivels. Again, the audience applauds and again, Hart breaks the hold.
HART: "You played your way back into the TEAM Invitational Tournament, but after years of providing the masses with unparalleled in-ring acumen and outrageous entertainment, I've played my way into people's hearts... something you couldn't do on your best day, which is why you've done your best to propel yourself at my expense. A risky move, indeed, but like the old saying goes, you can't get the acorn unless you go out on a limb."
Felicia steps to the forefront, taking her brother's hand.
FELICIA: "Cha-cha-cha?"
The Phenom grins.
HART: "Bet'cher booty, babe."
This time, the audience is treated to a series of spiral turns, hip twists, and finally, a Cuban Break, after which Hart looks into the camera with a menacing expression on his face.
HART: "Unfortunately for you, my friend, if you venture too far down a flimsy branch, it's gonna break beneath you. To win big, you gotta risk big, but such risks usually end up going the other way... and when it comes right down to it, DOWN is the only place you're gonna go when you get into the ring with me. You may have tried to take a bite out of my steak in NEW, but as far as the Phenom's concerned, you've bitten off more than you can chew, bub."
New Era's resident dancing queen steps to Shawn's side. The two nod at each other with a grin, then proceed to do a Charleston the likes of which not even Jonathan Coachman could replicate.
FELICIA: "Whoa Nellie! Nobody's got moves like you, bro!"
HART: "Damn right, nnnnnndaddio! And when I'm rockin' Rapture like David Lee Roth, Mr. Payne's gonna see each and every one of 'em!"
SJH moves his sister's body in close, and the two Foxtrot their way to the finish line with a smooth-flowing Promenade straight to the judge's box.
HART: "Nobody keeps pace with the PRINCE of the Paso Doble, professional wrestling's PREMIERE performer, and the hottest thing to hit the Terra since the volcanoes of Pompeii-"
FELICIA: "Matt Damon?"
HART: "No ma'am! The onliest man matching THAT description would be the incredible, edible ME! But don't take my word for it, what do the judges have to say?"
CUT TO: Len Goodman, Bruno Tonioli, and Carrie Ann Inaba of Dancing With the Stars fame.
TONIOLI: "INCREDIBLE!!! Is like a sultry and sinuous snail of SEXINESS has sauntered into my heart, leaving a sweet and SEDUCTIVE sludge in it's wake!"
The crowd responds with a collective, "Whoooooooooooooooo!!"
INABA: "Well Shawn, what can I say... you guys go out there each and every week and tell a story with your stuff like no one else can. My one, tiny, itsy-bitsy complaint would be that there's not enough hip-action in the act, so work on that... but otherwise, great job!"
The Prime Minister of Gettin' Sinister is severely disgusted.
HART: "You want hip action?! I got your HIP ACTION right HERE, baby!!!"
SJH shakes his booty like Britney Spears, then thrusts his pelvis like Elvis in Carrie Ann's general direction!
INABA: "Oh.... Oh my GO-"
Before she can finish the sentence, she faints at the very sight of Shawn's booming BULGE! The crowd is ecstatic, but Mr. Goodman appears to be unimpressed.
GOODMAN: "No, no, no! Shawn, you have all the potential in the world, but it seems like every time you go out there, just when things are getting really good, you fall back into your dick jokes and debauchery! It's good, but what you need is just a bit more welly... and work on doing a proper dance for once, OK?"
Hart grits his teeth.
FELICIA: "Don't do it, Shawn... DON'T DO IT!"
HART: "AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!"
Without warning, SJH RIPS his shirt off, revealing the phrase "SOY BOMB" etched upon his bare chest! The audience is stunned. The Phenom then busts out with his best rendition of the FUNKY CHICKEN!
GOODMAN: "Oh.... Dearie me..."
Goodman faints at the very site of the Phenom's insult to proper dance. Felicia shakes her head in embarrassment, then looks to the camera.
FELICIA: "See what happens when you piss him off, Payne? He had no quarrel with you, but now that you've stuck your nose in our affairs, this Soy Bomb's gonna get dropped on you!"
CLOSE ON: Hart, as he licks his lips and fondles his own bosoms.
HART: "SOY BOMB WILL MELT YOUR ETERNAL SOUUUUUUUUUULLL!!!"
FELICIA: "Oy vey..."
HART: "THE PHENOM HAS LEFT THE BUILDING!!"
FADE OUT.
