SJH's Joke Hunt
FADE IN: Street-hussslin' SJH is kicking it on the corner with his best friend, Monster Squad star Andre Gower. The two appear to be sharing a beautiful, brown bag full of wine and engaging in some intense debate.
CUT TO: Hart, as he puts the exclamation on a point.
SJH: "No dude... YO mama's so fat, when she asked for a waterbed - sucka's threw a blanket over Lake Michigan!"
ANDRE: "C'mon Shawn! If THAT were true, you'd be on that ass like spandex. We all know you like 'em big and smelly!"
SJH: "Not to mention OLD."
ANDRE: "You can have the cougars, jus' leave the kittens to me, OK?"
SJH: "No problemo, future stepson!"
ANDRE: "Say what? I'm almost 6 years older than you!"
SJH: "That's how I roll, nnndaddio! Oh, and tell yo mama not to nick it with her teeth next time!"
ANDRE: "Why I oughta!"
SJH: "HAAAAH!! Wolfman's got nards, but so do you... and I just kicked 'em!"
ANDRE: "Enough with the mama jokes. How 'bout the classics?"
Hart scoffs.
SJH: "If by classic you mean LAME, I'm sure you have a veritable bonanza of BS!"
ANDRE: "So?"
SJH: "SO -- let's hear it!"
The former fighter of Dracula cracks a grin.
ANDRE: "Alright, what's brown and sounds like a bell?"
SJH: "I dunno, what?"
ANDRE: "DUUUUUUUNGG!!!!"
The Phenom rolls his eyes.
SJH: "No, no... check this out. What do you call a sleeping cow? Besides your mother, that is."
ANDRE: "Bah! I dunno. What?"
SJH: "A bull dozer! GET IT?!"
The two can't help but chuckle.
ANDRE: "Alright, alright. How 'bout this one - How do you organize a space party?"
SJH blinks... twice.
ANDRE: "You planet!"
SJH: "Oooooh SH(FCC)T!! You're one funny mother trucker, but I've got one that trumps 'em all!
ANDRE: "Oh yeah?"
SJH: "OH YEAH! Perhaps the BIGGEST joke in the history of the world!"
ANDRE: "Wowzers. So what is it?"
Suddenly, the camera cuts in on Hart for an extreme close-up. As it does, he looks directly into it and speaks.
SJH: "Harold A. Lumbourgh's wrestling career!"
ANDRE: "Ooooooooooohhh!! Oh no he di'int!"
Hart's eyes remain fixed to the camera.
SJH: "Oh yes he did.... and believe you me, buddy - he'll CONTINUE to do so until all the world can see Shallow HAL for the fraud he truly is!"
ANDRE: "Do tell."
SJH: "Well y'see, a couple days back... I made the claim that Mr. Lumbourgh was nothing more than a flash in the pan. BUT... upon further reflection, I've come to realize that such a moniker is FAR too kind for such an utterly useless ass hat. You see, to be a flash in the pan, you've got to get the masses talking. You come in, you make an IMPACT, but before your potential is ever truly realized.... POOF! You're out like A-Rod in the playoffs. You've got something GOOD, but true GREATNESS eludes you. I mean, ya wanna talk about a flash in the pan, I've got the primo example right here!"
Andre blushes.
ANDRE: "Here we go."
SJH: "Hey, you know I love you... but I did find you drinking wine from a brown bag on the street corner."
ANDRE: "Heh, guilty as charged!"
Hart looks to his friend, chuckles, and then returns his gaze to the camera's lens.
SJH: "Ol' Andre here... he thought he had it ALL! And for a minute there, he almost did. I mean c'mon now... we're talking about the MONSTER SQUAD!"
Andre takes a chug from his wine bag.
ANDRE: "F(FCC)CKIN' A!"
SJH: "I mean... the war against an evil army of kick-ass movie monsters!"
ANDRE: "Spider with a human head!"
SJH: "Jason Hervey eating candy bars off the street!"
ANDRE: "That funny fat kid!"
SJH: "The friendly Frankenstein!"
ANDRE: "Count Dracula calling your little sister a b(FCC)tch!"
SJH: "Wolfman's got nards?"
ANDRE: "WOLFMAN'S GOT NARDS!"
Hart puts his arm around Andre and nods his head approvingly.
SJH: "Long story short - while my main man Andre may have been one and done, the cold, hard fact remains that in this crazy moment in time we called 1987, he was the STAR in a piece of pop culture history... and despite what's happened since, NO ONE can ever take that away from him!
And therein lies the difference.
Because while Andre Gower is a flash in the pan, a has-been from the 80's... you, HAL, are a never-was. A nothing from nowhere with no future and no past! Sure, you had a little hype in the beginning, and yeah... the powers that be seem to be giving you a second shot, but in all the time you've been toiling in the seedy underbelly of this seedy business, you haven't done a godd(FCC)mned, single, solitary thing of note!"
ANDRE: "No sir!"
SJH: "So when you sit there in yo mama's basement, runnin' your gums about how my various accolades and accomplishments fail to impress you, I can't help but shake my head. You say that you're man destined to usher in a NEW ERA. You say that you're BETTER than me. But talkin' ain't tangible.. the PROOF is in the pudding! Andre? He had his movie. Me? I've got my titles.
What do you have, Harold?"
ANDRE: "Nuthin'."
SJH: "It's totally cool if you don't care where I'm ranked or what belts I'm wearing, but in the MACHINE that is this business... that's how your merit is measured. Like you said, it's all about the 1's and the 0's.
Say what you will, the whole of the wrestling world knows which one of us is which.. and it's gonna be that much more apparent once we actually step inside that ring.
Call it an outrage, call it a MOCKERY, call it the silver bullet that KILLS your sorry career if ya want. What do we call it?"
ANDRE: "The TRUTH!"
SJH: "Word up! Now pass me that bottle, future stepson. The PHENOM has left the building!"
FADE OUT.