I will eat your face!!!
(We fade in on a stooge in what appears to be a pantsuit, greeting the fans watching at home with a smile that makes you want to kick him in the face for being that goddamn ugly. He's got a mic. By TV logic, that makes him a reporter.)
The Media Baron
Good evening, wrestling fans! Please allow me to formally introduce myself in you all -- I am the Media Baron!
(What sort of ass-hat calls himself "the Media Baron?")
The Media Baron
I'll be Next Level Wrestling's premier field reporter, and my duty is to bring you -- the FANS -- all the latest reports, updates, and interviews from beyond the NLW locker room.
For tonight, I have a special one-on-one with one of the most talked about names set to appear before the world at Friday Night Vulgar. To bring you this interview, I had travel all the way to the Carpathian Mountains...
(Right, dude. NLW just footed the bill to fly you halfway across the planet to an obscure Slovakian mountain range. In any case, his expression turns genuinely grim.)
The Media Baron
And the experience was, to say the very least, disturbing on many levels...
I should warn you, the fans... what you are about to witness may be a bit too extreme or intense for some viewers. If you are of the feint of heart or weak of stomach, I suggest not watching.
But, if you're courageous enough to handle it, then allow me to introduce to you... a personal interview with...
MAGNUS DESTRUCTO
(Abrupt cut to black.)
(CUE UP: Bach's masterpiece, "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor", blaring through the pipes of a cathedral organ. We fade in within the black stone walls of a hellish castle. Outside, we can hear the crash of thunder and the howl of a wolf.)
(Soft orange firelight pulsates from the depths of a darkened passageway. After a moment, the source of the fire enters the frame... revealed to be a flaming torch carried by a filth-covered wretch of a man. Clipping right at his heels is the Media Baron, eyeing the unsettling inner decorum with disgust. The uncouth, rat-like man, who earlier introduced himself as a "Dulak the Defiler", chortles with an odd sort of amusement as he his torch leads the way to the inner sanctum of this gothic house of horrors.)
Dulak the Defiler
We are so very pleased to have you come all this way to the Master's Keep of Eternal Darkness, Mister Baron...
The Media Baron
Ah, that's not a problem, uh... Dulak, was it?
(The servant grumbles an apparent affirmative.)
The Media Baron
Uh, anyway... is it really called the Keep of Eternal Darkness? I thought that was just a name given to this place by all those creepy locals in that village at the base of the hill...
Dulak the Defiler
The Master insisted on the name, on the basis that it would instill fear in the hearts of all who knew its horrific legacy...
(They enter a spacious throne room furnished in elaborately graphic and unsettling furnishings, many featuring a variety of spiked protrusions. Everything seems to be made out of black solid iron, ranging from simple cage couches to torture racks -- or something that could be both in one. Taking the focus of the room on a raised platform is a black metal throne bearing a large and detailed backrest with a horned-skull motif.)
The Media Baron
Lord above! This, uh... this is quite a place you've got here. I take it "the Master" has the upmost authority on the interior design?
Dulak the Defiler
That is correct. The Master takes great delight in watching the suffering of his guests.
(The uncouth torch-bearer continues toward a passageway leading into another wing of the castle.)
Dulak the Defiler
Please wait here. I will inform the Master that you have arrived... and he will deal with you shortly. I suggest not touching anything.
The Media Baron
Uh, alrighty...
(The creep wanders off, leaving the meager reporter alone in the throne room of horrible contraptions. He continues to eye the various disturbing sights that surround him... when suddenly, the whole room seems overcome with a far off rumbling. Without warning, a gust of wind extinguishes the torchlight lighting the room, and the reporter is left in complete black.)
(CUE UP: "Conquer All" by Behemoth. Red light emanating from a grill in the floor reveals the visage that is Dominatra Bozoth, her black-painted lips rolling back into a sneer as she raises a microphone shaped like a screaming skull.)
Dominatra Bozoth
Cringe in terror, maggots!! The DARK LORD of DESTRUCTION will soon be upon you!!
(His face just barely visible in the red light, the Media Baron stands in complete shock and horror. Meanwhile, a spotlight hits a huge set of red studded steel doors near the screeching siren.)
Dominatra Bozoth
Cower now in his unforgiving presence... for HERE NOW comes the Dreaded Devourer... the Baron of Brutality...
(The doors come SWINGING open, revealing the black shape of a GROTESQUE MONSTER standing before a wall of fire!)
Dominatra Bozoth
MAGNUS DESTRUCTO!!
(With a blood-thirsty ROAR, the monster steps forward to reveal himself to be a mammoth of a man.)
Magnus Destructo
[Size=big]RRRRAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!![/size]
(He looks like a warlord that just walked straight out of hell... with a definite Mad Max thing going on with his black, spiky costume and leather cape. As he trudges into the throne room like a predator stalking its prey, his raging eyes find the first vulnerable thing in his immediate vicinity -- the dumb-struck Media Baron -- and presumes to LOOM over the meager reporter and scream at the very top of his lungs.)
Magnus Destructo
PATHETIC MORTAL!! STATE YOUR WORTHLESS NAME AND PURPOSE!!
The Media Baron
M-mother of Mercy!
F-forgive my intrusion, Mister, uh, Destructo, but... I'm the Media Baron, sent by way of Next Level Wrestling for an exclusive interview. Uh, it was my understanding that you were expecting me...
Magnus Destructo
WHAT?!
(Dulak wanders back into the frame.)
Dulak the Defiler
I, uh... forwarded the update to your Facebook account, Master.
(In response to this out-of-turn word, Destructo abruptly pivots around and BLASTS him with his spiked gauntlet, sending the frail manservant flying from the frame. As if nothing ever happened, he turns back to the reporter.)
Magnus Destructo
OF COURSE I KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND WHY YOU HAVE COME!! YOU ARE HERE BECAUSE I ALLOW YOU TO BE HERE!!
The Media Baron
Well then, uh... should I call you Magnus?
Magnus Destructo
YOU WILL CALL ME DESTRUCTO!! MAGNUS IS MERELY THE TITLE OF POWER I CARRY HERE IN THE CARPATHIAN MOUNTAINS!!
The Media Baron
Ah, I see... I think. Well then, Destructo... would it be too much trouble to answer a few questions for the people at home?
(Without any regard for the reporter's well-being, Destructo RIPS the mic from his hand, and continues barking very loudly into the smaller man's face.)
Magnus Destructo
WRONG, WEAKLING!! I ANSWER TO NOBODY BUT MYSELF!! YOU WILL STAND THERE AND LISTEN TO THE BLACK PROPHECY SPOKEN FROM MY VOICE, AND THE WORLD WILL TREMBLE IN FEAR WHEN THEY SEE MY FACE!!
The Media Baron
...is it really necessary to be shouting all the time?
Magnus Destructo
SILENCE!! I TOLD YOU THAT I ANSWER TO NOBODY!! INSTEAD, YOU ANSWER TO ME!!
WHO IS THE FOOL THAT NEXT LEVEL WRESTLING HAS OFFERED UPON MY BLACK ALTAR FOR THE FIRST SACRIFICE AT FRIDAY NIGHT VULGAR?!
The Media Baron
Well... you're slated to meet "Normal" John Johnson... about the most average man you can find in the sport of professional wrestling.
Magnus Destructo
"NORMAL?!" HAH!!
LET ME GUESS... AVERAGE HEIGHT, AVERAGE WEIGHT... LIVES IN A SMALL TOWN WITH A WIFE AND KIDS...
The Media Baron
That's right.
Magnus Destructo
HAH!! WHAT A WIMP!!
I'LL FILL YOU IN ON A SECRET, PEON... NORMALCY IS WEAKNESS!! WHEN I COME TO FRIDAY NIGHT VULGAR, I WILL EAT JOHN JOHNSON'S FACE!!! WE'LL SEE THEN HOW FAR BEING "NORMAL" GETS YOU IN YOUR SHORT AND WORTHLESS LIFE!!
AS YOU CAN NO DOUBT SEE, I SHUN THE NORMAL LIFESTYLE... AND VERY MUCH EMBRACE EVERYTHING ABNORMAL ON THIS DARK PLANET!! ABNORMAL IS STRONGER THAN NORMAL, BECAUSE IT CANNOT BE PREDICTED OR UNDERSTOOD!!
AND NEITHER CAN I!!
The Media Baron
Frankly, I'm having quite a bit of trouble understanding you myself...
Magnus Destructo
BRAINLESS IDIOT!! YOU CALL YOURSELF THE BARON OF MEDIA?! I AM THE BARON OF BRUTALITY!! COME THE BLACK NIGHT OF FRIDAY, YOU WILL SEE JUST HOW BRUTAL I CAN BE WHEN I FLAY THE WEAKLING THAT IS JOHN JOHNSON FROM HEAD TO TOE!!
NOW RUN BACK HOME, WORTHLESS SLIME... AND BE GRACIOUS THAT I HAVE ALLOWED YOU THE OPPORTUNITY TO LEAVE HERE ALIVE!!
The Media Baron
Oh, believe me, I'm QUITE gracious! Uh... which way to the exit?
Magnus Destructo
GOLLOMACH!!
(A corpulent man stuffed under a long black leather duster and bearing a deathmask suddenly appears behind the Media Baron, startling the reporter into yelping.)
Magnus Destructo
ESCORT THIS PATHETIC WASTE OF LIFE OUT OF THE KEEP!!
Gollomach
Yes, Master...
(The Media Baron stiffens up as the muscle of the malevolent warlord lifts him off the ground and carries him out of the throne room. Cackling sadistically, Magnus Destructo takes his seat upon his throne as Dominatra joins his side, handing him a wine goblet shaped like a human skull.)
(We slowly fade back to the grim expression of the Media Baron.)
The Media Baron
Upon leaving the Magnus' infernal keep, I promptly returned here to the states to share my story. And as promised, the Baron of Brutality will be LIVE at the Hammerstein Ballroom for NLW's inaugural show, Friday Night Vulgar! Be sure to tune it to see if "Normal" John Johnson can stand up to this absolute MONSTER of a man in the ring!
To be quite frank... I think he's got his work cut out for him.
Be sure to stay tuned for more updates!
(Cut to the NLW logo and theme.)