The edible-words seminar.....
[updated:LAST EDITED ON Sep-03-02 AT 07:02 PM (EDT)](FADE IN..... a classroom setting where we see a figure with his back to us. He's wearing a graduates black cap and gown and is writing on the blackboard. Whether he is oblivious to our presence or whether he simply chooses to ignore us will never be known. He stops momentarily to erase part of the board, then resumes writing. After he finishes, he steps back a few steps and admires his work with a nod of his head. On one side we see a graph with the names Maelstrom and Jon Savage written in vertical fashion on the left, and above the graph are the following columns: Redundancy, Ignorance, Rationalizations, Contradictions and Pettiness. Above the blackboard is a huge clock with the words "countdown to an ass-kicking" printed on the face. The hands are currently pointing at 11 o'clock. Apparently satisfied with his work, the figure turns around and the camera begins slowly panning from the ground up, revealing construction boots, loose-fitting jeans with the black gown wide open displaying chiseled stomach muscles and a barrel-chest before it finally moves up to reveal the cynical smile on the face of the man known simply as......)
MAELSTROM: Ah, welcome to my "edible-words" seminar, where we tear down an opponents facade, proving once and for all that he's full of S(BLEEP)T, and then prepare his appetite for the empty, hollow promises he's about to eat.
(claps his hands loudly together and immediately a large cloud of chalk dust erupts in front of him. He steps back, squinting his eyes as he does so and waits for the dust to evaporate. When it does, he smiles and tosses the tassel hanging limply from the graduate caps side over to the opposite side and resumes speaking.....)
MAELSTROM: Today we'll be addressing a recent letter from one Jon Savage, and before ya ask..... NO! There's no relation to that Randy Savage guy we've all heard about. That Randy guy is "fictitious" while this Jon Savage is...... (gives a sarcastic reaction and rolls his eyes as he does the quote thingie with his fingers) "well-grounded".
(reaches over and picks up a pointer)
MAELSTROM: Okay, so for now, I don't need to go into the contents of Mr. Savage's letter because to be perfectly honest, it's really not much different from his previous mic spots. Which brings us to comparison point number one on the checklist.
(directs the pointer at the column titled Redundancy)
MAELSTROM: We have just established that Mr. Savage has "consistently" spoken in a redundant manner throughout each and every one of his mic spots soooooooo......
(walks over and places a check mark underneath the "Redundancy column" by Jon Savage's name)
MAELSTROM: While perusing this highly-opinionated letter further, we saw that Mr. Savage has YET AGAIN contradicted himself.
(walks toward the other side of the blackboard and pulls down the slide-show screen. He then motions to someone offstage and immediately the slide-show screen comes alive with a mimeographed copy of Jon Savage's letter. Maelstrom then circles a few words on the screen in red and then begins making references to them with the pointer.....)
MAELSTROM: As we can plainly see here, Mr. Savage states that he is "NOT" going to have any problems defeating me, however, a paragraph later, in the description of his new stipulation, he clearly states "IF" I lose, then I'll have to go to yadda, yadda, yadda..... What's the matter Jon, can't make up yer mind if yer SURE ya can defeat me or not? (grins cynically) Well, that undoubtedly brings us to comparison point number two on the checklist. Contradictions! Unwittingly, ya just proved my point of just how insecure ya really are! Needless to say, that merits yet another check mark for Mr. Jon Savage. But ya know what? IT DOESN'T END THERE!! NO!! NOT BY A LONG SHOT! 'Cuz Mr. Savage, for lack of anythin' intelligent to say has now resorted to the skillful art of pre-school name mocking!!
(slaps the pointer down against the words on the screen which read.....)
MAELSTROM: LAMESTROM?! C'mon on now Jon. Ya done gone and shattered my image of ya! Just when I thought ya couldn't be any more pettier, ya do a thing like this! Ya know what that means now dontcha?
(grins mischievously as he checks off the Pettiness column next to Jon Savage's name)
MAELSTROM: Hmmm..... Looks like ya might have a clean sweep here Jon. Anyhows, moving right along, we go next to the Ignorance column. Now Jon, why ya felt the need to introduce, as you wrote in yer letter, "falic" references into this is beyond me. Oh and by the way Jon, I DO believe the word is spelled P-H-A-L-L-I-C so ya may wanna consider taking some of my other classes I hold for the illiterate and those with ADD. If yer interested, just let me know, I'll give ya a good rate, maybe not as good as Lyla's two-dollar deal, but a good deal altogether. (chuckles to himself) But I digress, I wouldn't even bother to dignify that P-H-A-L-L-I-C question of yers with a response, but if ya still desire one, ya may want to ask Lyla 'bout that since I understand she recently earned two dollars the HARD way. (winks and grins) Know what I mean bud? By the way, (slaps something on the table) almost forgot, here are the two dollars. When I can, I try avoiding the interest charges when I use credit. Oh and just so you'll know Jon, it's a well known fact that those who make P-H-A-L-L-I-C comparisons as you do are generally the ones who have issues and hang-ups about it. So ya might wanna seek help from that Dr. Rogers of yers when ya get the chance. But it doesn't end there. This is a DOUBLE bonus column. Ya made reference of how my calling ya yellow is incorrect 'cuz ya never backed down from a challenge? Well bud, ya need to look beyond the obvious! I was referring to the hidin' yer doin' behind yer contradictions and rationalizations, not yer (mocks a sarcastic expression)oh-so-impressive pseudo-machismo performances.
(walks over and places a check mark in the ignorance column next to Jon Savage's name)
MAELSTROM: Which coincidentally brings us to our final category Jon. RATIONALIZATION!
(walks over to the slide-show screen and pulls it down slightly then releases it. It snaps back up loudly with finality. He then turns, faces us again, raises a finger to his lips and does a sssshhhhing sound as he looks right, then left before resuming in whispering tones......)
MAELSTROM: (whispering) now we all know that between you and me, yer the ONLY one who has made excuses, who has tried to downplay, who has..... (BEGINS YELLING) TRIED TO RATIONALIZE HIS LOSSES!!!
(falls silent and gives a sheepish grin)
MAELSTROM: So of course ya know what that means now dontcha Jon?
(walks over and checks off the final column by Jon Savage’s name and stands back to study the graph. With a smile on his face, he resumes speaking.....)
MAELSTROM: So in conclusion Mr. Jon Savage, it would seem that the traits we’ve just proven you have, (glances at the graph) add validity to the fact that it’s YOU who’s living the LIE in yer own custom-made fantasy world.... but it’s cool, there’s still hope for you yet, ‘cuz when we meet, I’m gonna school ya in the painful art of ..... REALITY!
(without saying another word, Maelstrom takes the graduates cap off his head and flings it directly at the camera. Maelstrom’s image is momentarily obscured from our view as the cap strikes the camera’s lens. That only lasts for a split-second, but when we get the image back, Maelstrom is gone and we find ourselve staring at the clock above the blackboard which sorta glares back at us, with its face defiantly displaying it's “count-down to an asskicking” message as the hands move omininously closer to the twelfth hour.... FADE OUT......)