[LOS ANGELES] (2) Shawn Hart vs. (7) Olvir Arsvinnar

[TH]

Second round match held the Maples Pavilion on Stanford's campus in Stanford, CA. One fall to a finish, no time limit.

No RP limit, all regular RP rules apply, deadline is Sunday, April 6 at 11:59:59 PM EDT, give or take a second.

 

[RStrawsma]

Valhalla Productions 202 - Olvir County

(We fade in on the campus grounds of Stanford University, known to many as the Harvard of the West. It’s early afternoon on this typical weekday, and a number of students pass through the shot heading to their next class. They look rather lifeless… perhaps still grieving their team’s defeat to Texas in the NCAA Tournament.)

VALHALLA PRODUCTION COMPANY​

Presents​

(Without warning, a beaten up Ford Bronco pulls up in front of one building. Two men emerge from the vehicle, one looking strikingly similar to Colin Hanks, son of the legendary actor Tom Hanks, and the other looking just as similar to comedic actor Jack Black. As it turns out, the latter is “THE ESCAPE ARTIST” Erik Black slapped up in a padded suit.)

Colin Hanks Look-Alike
Well here we are, Vance… Stanford University! Man, I can’t believe we made it all the way here from Orange County in under a half an hour.

Jack Black Look-Alike
Yeah, bro, that’s how I roll… especially when I’m ROLLIN’!! So what’s the plan, Shane?

(The two “brothers” begin walking in a random direction. The camera backpedals to keep them in the shot. Come to think of it, this whole thing kinda resembles an MTV produced film that came out in 2002.)

OLVIR ARSVINNAR​

In​

Colin Hanks Look-Alike
This whole thing got screwed up when my guidance counselor sent the wrong transcript, and I didn’t get it! But I HAVE to go to Stanford, because it’s my dream! So here’s what we’re going to do… I’m going to talk to the Dean of Admissions (played by our local Harold Ramis Look-Alike), and see if he can make a special case given my situation… either through sympathy, or just by giving him some random pills…

Jack Black Look-Alike
Cool, man! I got PLENTY of random pillz!!

Colin Hanks Look-Alike
And in case that fails, YOU are going to break into the Office of Admissions and get my name added to the Admissions List for next semester.

Jack Black Look-Alike
Sounds awesome, bro! I’ll slip in all MACGUYVER style, and find one of those DIRECTORY things!

Colin Hanks Look-Alike
Just don’t do something stupid like get high, f*ck the secretary, and set the building on fire.

Jack Black Look-Alike
Bro, I’m your BRO, bro! I would NEVER do something to—

(He never finishes this reassuring statement, as two MASSIVE trunks of flesh, bone, and steely muscle slice through the air and VIOLENTLY CRASH into their faces! Both men are flipped through the air from the sheer velocity of the strike, and land in heaps at the fur-lined boots of their assailant… a towering VIKING with a grin as wide as his pectorals are IRON!!)

Olvir Arsvinnar
HA HA HA HA!!

"OLVIR COUNTY"​

(As both men grow in pain on the pavement, Olvir MIGHTILY continues tromping the way he was going. Following him into the frame is wrestler turned wash-up turned commentator turned broke-ass bum turned reporter… Terry “THE IDOL” Anderson, as orange and leathery as he was when we last saw him. He grievously looks over his own print-out of the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament… apparently not liking the results.)

Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Stupid Stanford… I guess that’s fifty bucks I’ll never see again.

(He crumbles the paper up and tosses it into a nearby wastebasket, reaching to his right for the microphone. It gets tossed in from the left, much to his surprise, and bounces off his face before dropping at his feet. After rubbing his cheek and cursing the crewman that made this error, Terry picks up the mic, fixes his hair, dusts off the shoulder of his cheap tan blazer, and flashes a narcissistic smile to the camera.)

Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Well, while the Stanford Cardinal have come to the end of their journey in the NCAA Tournament, the famous Viking pornstar OLVIR ARSVINNAR is just beginning to walk his own path to conquest, following a decisive victory over Ethan Frost in the first round of the TEAM Invitational Tournament.

I’ve spent the past week or so on the road with this rowdy berserker, and let me tell you, fans… it’s been one HELL of a surreal experience! Already, I’ve witnessed this crazy bastard sack as many as SEVEN cities across the Californian coastline and deflowered as many as FIFTY VIRINGS during his “off time.” This man has absolutely NO restrain whatsoever, as far as I can tell. Whether it’s food, mead, a fight, or an ASS… if Olvir wants it, Olvir gets it, and HEAVEN HELP YOU if you make the mistake of getting in his way!

Now we find ourselves back here at Stanford University, with the second round of the tournament less than a week away. I know you’re all wondering… how is Olvir going to prepare for the challenge that lies ahead of him?

(As he says this, the camera pans over to catch a glimpse of the Viking once again. We find him standing before two attractive college girls, belonging to a sorority as indicated by their t-shirts. With a sex appeal that would make even “Superstar” Billy Graham turn green with envy, Olvir FLEXES in a variety of poses, revealing almost every square inch of his flawless body to the awestruck young women in his presence.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
HA HA HA HA!! Bask in the MIGHT that is OLVIR, studious wenches!!

(The girls look to each other with impressed smiles and giggle.)

Hot College Chick Number One
Dang, stud… you certainly are a total package! You look familiar though… are you a student?

Hot College Chick Number Two
No, I think it’s that wild, hairy guy that came with that wrestling event. He burned down Chi house a week ago, from what I heard.

Hot College Chick Number One
Wow, you DO know how to party hard, huh?

Olvir Arsvinnar
HA!! There are MANY things that the GREAT OLVIR does HARD!!

(Again, the girls exchange a glance and smile.)

Hot College Chick Number Two
Well, hopefully, the two of us will come to find out what other “things” you can do.

Hot College Chick Number One
There’s this party at our sorority on Friday. You should drop by, and… show us MORE of your great muscles!

Olvir Arsvinnar
FEAR NOT, supple maidens!! There is ONE muscle that is SURE to win you over! HA HA HA HA!!

Hot College Chick Number Two
Anyway, we gotta get to class. Bye for now…

(Seductively, she winks, and the two walk away, shaking what goods they have on them. Olvir strokes his beard, bearing a regal smile, obviously liking what he sees. Coming to stand beside him is Terry, who lets out a wolf whistle, looking after the Viking’s last catch as they depart.)

Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Dang, Olvir… that right there is some Grade A College ASS!! You sure work quick… kind like ME, when I was younger.

(He flashes a “handsome” smirk to the camera that is as flattering as a dead cat in a crap-filled toilet.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
Indeed, Terry, Son of Ander! Even now, only my IRON WILL holds back the burning desire in my mighty LOINS to chase those vixens down and DOMINATE their delicate arses until they cry for the great one-eyed god ODIN!!

However… the Great Olvir knows the IMPORTANCE of having his voice heard to the weak and puny, and those that will soon FALL to his mighty wrath!

Terry “The Idol” Anderson
You got a point there. You’ve got some words to say, and I’ve got a paycheck to earn.

(Terry holds up the mic to Olvir’s face as he turns to the camera, but the bumbling Viking instead grabs the reporter’s wrist in his vice-like grip, causing the wrestling veteran turned journalist to wince.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
NOW YOU SEE, foolish people of TEAM, the unstoppable MIGHT of OLVIR!! It was HERE where I conquered the puny weakling that was Ethan Frost! But I did not just pin him in the ring… NO!! Such a fate is UNWARRANTED for such a pathetic challenge! After the toll of Asgard had sounded and the Great Olvir’s named was boldly declared from the heavens above, I proceeded to chase that GIRLY MAN out of the ring! But he would not even be allowed to find safe haven… for the great HUNTER that is OLVIR continued to pursue the coward to his locker room… to his HOTEL room… and all the way to AIRPORT, constantly harrying him and leaving him without so much as a SECOND of rest, until the great bird carried him to the Realm of Limpgard—the Land of the WORTHLESS!
That night, the GREAT OLVIR walked away with his opponent’s pride, and his opponent’s WOMAN!! HA HA HA HA!! Now I have returned to the arena in preparation for my NEXT challenge!

Terry “The Idol” Anderson
And you can be sure that this challenge will be a significantly greater test, in that your opponent is none other than the Second Seed in the Los Angeles bracket… El Hombre Magnifico… “The Phenom” SHAWN HART!

Decorated in federations the world over, and definitely no stranger to TEAM events. In fact, he was a Semi-Finalist in last year’s Invitational Tournament. Hell of a resume he’s got there…

(Olvir chuckles deeply and scoffs, as if the man’s entire career of dedication and hard work meant nothing to the countless battles and accolades of the great Norseman’s legacy.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
A WELCOME challenge, then! I shall make WAVES in this sport by defeating one of the most exalted warriors among its ranks! When the people see a WARRIOR such as myself overcome the favored man, there will be NO DOUBT to my unstoppable wrath! The opponents that await me in further duels will come to DREAD encountering my unstoppable might, and will RUE THE DAY they underestimated the GREATNESS that is OLVIR!!

Terry “The Idol” Anderson
You’re understandably confident in your own abilities… but as it just so happens, Shawn Hart’s already got a win over your Norse heritage, having beaten Hans the Incontinent Viking.

(Upon hearing this, the Viking’s head snaps to the camera, and his eyes go wide with rage.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
One of my most NOBLE of brothers has been SMOTE in the arena?! WHAT INSOLENCE!! I will DESTROY this “Shawn of the Hart”… and as he lies dying at my feet, I will tear OUT his “HART” and EAT IT before his eyes as his sight leaves him!!

Terry “The Idol” Anderson
A revenge scheme, then?

Olvir Arsvinnar
Definitely so!! It is the VIKING WAY to avenge our brothers when they have fallen in battle!

Terry “The Idol” Anderson
But is the “Viking Way” going to be enough to stop a talent like “The Phenom?”

(Olvir tosses him a threatening glance, as if he has the sudden urge to rip the reporter’s head off for even IMAGINING anything else better than the way of the Norse. Terry quickly stammers an apology and seems to shrink before the goliath’s size.)

Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Err, forgive me for playing Devil’s advocate here—or Loki’s advocate, in your case—but seeing as how Shawn Hart has already beaten ONE Viking… what’s there to leave one to believe he won’t beat two?

Olvir Arsvinnar
Hmmm… a noble question… even if it DOES derive itself from foolish logic! Tell me, Son of Ander… what kind of Viking was this Hans?

Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Hans was an incontinent Viking. That’s why he was called… Hans the Incontinent Viking.

Olvir Arsvinnar
Well, there you have it!! The Great Olvir is a PORNSTAR Viking!

Terry “The Idol” Anderson
…how does that make any difference?

Olvir Arsvinnar
HA HA HA HA!! You’d be surprised by the STRENGTH of a great warrior’s ROARING TESTOSTERONE!! The constant art of FORNICATING the virgin hinds keeps the Great Olvir in the shape of perfection! With my UNFATHOMABLE ENERGY and UNMATCHABLE STRENGTH, I can THROW further, YUMP higher, or THRUST harder than ANY man who dares face THE GREATNESS… that is Olvir!

Terry “The Idol” Anderson
…damn. I don’t envy the multiple heart attacks you’ll endure in later years as a result of your habits. Sh*t, son, look at what it did to me?

(Terry sheepishly grins, his face resembling something like a rotting jack-o-lantern left out on the porch a week after Halloween. Seemingly not even hearing Terry’s words, the Great Olvir dons his mighty battle-axe and sights something on the horizon.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
COME, Terry, Son of Ander!! We must begin the sanctimonious RAMPAGE OF VENGEANCE that is our Viking custom following the demise of our courageous brethren! HA HA HA HA!!

Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Oh boy—MAKE WAY, PEOPLE!!

(Students and professors DIVE for cover as the guffawing giant charges like behemoth toward the nearest building… which just happens to be the Office of Admissions. A size-eighteen FURRY BOOT kicks the doors down and the berserker immediately begins terrorizing the interior. We hear many women yelping as Olvir makes his way from room to room, smashing or c*ck-smacking anything he lays his eyes upon.)

(We cut back to Terry, who can only shake his head in astonishment.)

Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Really wish I still had that fifty bucks, cause I could sure use a hooker right now…

(The camera spots a Ford Bronco pulling up to the scene, and pivots around to catch sight of the building, which is now ablaze. Stumbling out of the passenger side of the vehicle is the promo’s Harold Ramis look-alike… which happens to be none other than Harold Ramis himself.)

(You’d probably wonder, “Hey, why is EFFIN’ EGON playing himself?” Well, when was the last time we saw this guy? Knocked Up? He’s gotta earn a paycheck SOMEHOW, so just lighten up on the guy! Come on, he gave us CADDYSHACK!!)

Harold Ramis Look-Alike
OH MY GODD!!

(Bursting through the spire atop the blazing inferno appears a set of horns through the smoke and ash rising through the air. The camera zooms in and finds Olvir Arsvinnar cackling madly as he swings his battle-axe through the air like Starwars Kid on acid.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
BY THE BEARD OF THE ONE-EYED GOD, ODIN… I VOW I SHALL AVENGE THE INCONTINENCE THAT WAS HANS!!!

HA HA HA HA!!

(Cut to black.)

(To see what Harold Ramis has really been up to lately, click here.)

 

[ShawnHartXXX]

Better Late Than Never

On a stormy mountaintop, in the very DEPTHS of the wilderness, amongst the screaming winds and the flailing limbs of thousand year-old bristlecones, a man emerges. A man unlike any other; a man draped from head to toe in yellow pleather... a man known only as PHENOM!!!

SJH: "BLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGHHH!!!"

His lion roar echoes and reverberates through the cosmos like a supernova of rage and desire. His eyes pierce your very souls with an intense brilliance matched only by the sun's most penetrating rays. He has SWEET blonde hair!

SJH: "I am PHENOM! Birthed by Gaia herself to rend the world of professional wrestling ASUNDER! Hear my call and HEAD it's grim premonition; ASSES WILL BE KICKED!!"

SMASH CUT TO: A cheetah POUNCING from the bushes with a spine-curdling scream!

SJH: "GIRLIES WILL BE DICKED!!!"

SMASH CUT TO: An extreme close-up of a wild stallion mounting its mate!

SJH: "MY VERY VISAGE WILL BRING YOU TO YOUR KNEES!!!"

SMASH CUT TO: A lioness lowering its head to the leader of her pride.

SJH: "WHEREUPON YOU WILL SUCK MY-"

CUE UP: "Bite It" by Natas. Roll title and opening credits.

AND THE AMAZING TECHNICOLOR DREAMCOAT!


STARRING Shawn Hart


Sanjaya Malakar


Felicia 'Glorious Glutes' Hart


Alex Trebek


And Snarf As Himself​

FADE IN: The Phenom of TEAM, EPW, and basically anywhere else you can think of, is strolling about in his amazing Technicolor dreamcoat. At his side stands his most trusted cohort, Snarf of Thundara. Together they discuss the trials and tribulations of life, love, and locking horns with Olvir Arsvinnar.

SJH: "So I was thinking..."

SNARF: "Snarf.. Snaaaaaaarff!"

The Prime Minister of Gettin' Sinister is stopped in his tracks. He and Snarf engage in a long, awkward stare.

SJH: "So I was thinking... I really wanna bag Elisabeth Hasselbeck. I mean, talk about a VIEW! Am I right?!"

SNARF: "But-but...but Shawn! She's a crazy Republican! Snarf! Snaaaarrff!!"

SJH: "Hey man, crazy in the head... crazy in the bed."

SNARF: "Snaaarrff... well, I guess you have a point. You know, snaarrrff.. I'm friends with Joy Behar. I could probably hook it up."

SJH: "Really?!

SNARF: "Oh yeah... you'll be SNAAAAAAAAAAARRFFING that dizzy blonde before the week is out! Snarf!!"

SJH: "Jiggy-jiggy-bo-biggy, mah niggy."

SNARF: "SNARF!! That's not a politically correct thing to say, Shawn! Snaaaarffff..."

SJH: "Ha! Maybe not for you, but you're talkin' to a real black thug, baby."

CUT TO: An extreme close-up of Hart's milk white skin as it gleams and shines under the sun's light. CUT TO: Snarf, who continues to sport an expression most inquisitive.

SNARF: "Right. Anyway, aren't you worried about getting loose in the legs before your big match? They say that SNAAAAAAAAAAAARFFING will do that to you... and I'm sure plopping down between Elisabeth Hasselbeck's juicy, neo-conservative legs would do so doubly! Snarfff!!"

SJH: "Worried?! Well... I mean..."

He scratches his chin and stares pensively upward.

SJH: "I dunno, should I be?"

SNARF: "SNARFFF!! Only one way to find out!"

SJH: "Right!!"

SJH withdraws the Sword of Omens from his side and holds it up to his face.

SJH: "SWORD OF OMENS.... GIVE ME SIGHT BEYOND SIGHT!!!"

CUE UP: Jiggy, mysterious Thundercats future music. CUT TO: The Future. SJH and his sister Felicia are in one corner of a wrestling ring. In the other stands a faux beard-wearing, Chris Carter jersey-rocking Sanjaya Malakar.

SJH: "Prepare to meet your demise, Sanjayolvir! You vile penis scum!!"

You would think that Sanjayolvir was recoiling in fear if you didn't know that he just looked that stupid all the time.

SANJAYOLVIR: "HA HA HAAAAAAAA!! You shall NEVER defeat me!! Week after week I stink it up, and yet... I survive! And I shall CONTINUE to survive each week forevermore! HA HA HAAAAAAAA!!"

SJH: "Your days of filibustering and filthy production values are over, Viking! Take THIS!"

The Phenom begins to charge at Sanjayolvir, when suddenly he is rendered inutile by a vicious CHARLIEHORSE!

SJH: "AHH GOD!! MY WENIS!! AAAAAAAHHH!!"

SANJAYOLVIR: "HAH!! Barbara Walters would've glady given you a hummer, but NO!! You had to go for the gold... and as a result, your wenis is in peril!! The time is nigh for your defeat, Shawn Hart!!"

SJH: "Noooooooo!!"

SANJAYOLVIR: "YES! And once you're gone, the remaining field of the TEAM Invitational Tournament will be FORCED to suffer the utter asininity of my horrible promos and vomit-inspiring attempts at sketch comedy!!"

SJH: "But-but...but I'M the master of vomit-inspiring sketch comedy!"

SANJAYOLVIR: "You are good, Shawn Hart, but do your sketches have CELEBRITIES?!"

SJH: "You know it! Peep..."

CUT TO: Alex Trebek.... or a guy that appears vaguely similar to him. One of those.

ALEX TREBEK: "Hi there. I'm Alex Trebek..."

CUT TO: Sanjayolvir, who can't help but concede the point.

SANJAYOLVIR: "Well played, well played... but it matters not!! For your wenis is too damaged to even lift a finger against me! BWAHAHAA!!!"

SJH tries to regain his legs.................... to no avail.

SJH: "BLAST!! This... cannot be!! I MUST get up!! The fate of the TIT's entertainment value hangs in the balance!!"

Felicia suddenly interjects.

FELICIA: "BROTHER!! Hurry... EAT THIS!!"

Felicia reaches into her bra................... and withdraws a can of spinach! She then proceeds to place said can of spinach into SJH's outstretched hand. The Phenom wastes no time, immediately popping the top off of the can and dumping all of its contents down his gullet!

SJH: "WHOOOOOOOOA BABY!!!"

Suddenly (and without rhyme or reason) Hart's forearms triple in size and he springs instantly to his feet!

SANJAYOLVIR: "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

SJH: "Time to FEEL the PHENOMULATION, nnnnnnnnnnnnnndaddio!!"

The Phenom BOLTS from his corner, spins Sanjayolvir about, and BOOTS him in his boot! The force of the blow is so awesome, it sends Sanjayolvir into the air and off-screen in a matter of milliseconds! CUT TO: Felica, who is jumping up and down - her bosoms doing their best to keep up with the pace.

FELICIA: "YOU DID IT!!"

SJH: "I DID DO IT!!!"

Suddenly BARBARA WALTERS (or some old lady that vaguely resembles her) emerges from the crowd.

BARBARA WALTERS: "Whooooooa baaaaaaaaaaaby..."

SJH does a double, a triple, and a quadruple take.

SJH: "...And now I'm gonna do THAT!! Goodnight everybody!!

FELICIA: "Whoa baby..."

CUT TO: The Present, wherein Snarf and the Phenom stand with mouths agape.

SNARF: "Snaaaaaaaaaaarrfff!! So you're tellin' me you get to go down town on Elisabeth Hasselbeck AND Barbara Walters?!"

SJH: "Who knows... if I've got anything left in the tank, I might give Sanjaya a go."

CUE UP: Jiggy 80's sitcom laugh track.

SNARF: But not before you take out Olvir! Snaaaaaaaaaarrrfff!!"

SJH: "Olvir? He's cute, he's got a cool helmet, and his little shorts are better than anything you'll see on SNL! But Shawn Hart? He's a stone cold playah from the streets, yo!

CUT TO: Another extreme close-up of Hart's ghost-like complexion. CUT TO: A more agreeable angle.

SJH: "And when we go toe to toe, or horns to hair as it were... he's goin' down like the Amsterdam whore that birthed him! Call it an outrage, call it a MOCKERY, I call it the truth!!"

SNARF: "SNAAAAAAAAAARFF!!"

SJH: "The PHENOM has left the building!"

FADE OUT.

 

[RStrawsma]

Valhalla Productions 203 - Arsvinnar House

(We open up once again at Stanford… this time off campus, and in the more residential areas that surround the prestigious university. It’s night, and off in the distance, as you would hear at any North American college, we pick up on the sound of partiers whooping and likely emptying a few kegs a block or two away. Entering the frame is the ever-unpopular Terry “THE IDOL” Anderson, still decades beyond his prime, dragging his sorry ass in front of the camera once again to pay off all those medical bills for the failed permanent skin pigmentation he had done years back.)

Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Well TEAM fans, the second round of the Invitational Tournament is just a day away. Sadly, I’ve become separated from the guy I was assigned to cover, but the kids here keep telling me some hairy guy with an axe came streaking down this way not long ago…

What could the infamous Olvir Arsvinnar be doing in preparation from the contest that awaits him? Perhaps we’ll soon find out.

(Well I sure hope so, cause it’d be a pretty damn boring promo otherwise.)

VALHALLA PRODUCTION COMPANY​

Presents​

(Without warning, we hear glass breaking, a female form suddenly DROPS at the surprised reporter’s feet! No actual human, mind you… but rather a mannequin that breaks to pieces upon impact. From the nearby building, “Louie Louie” is blaring out at loud as it could possibly be. We hear familiar laughter emanating from within.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
HA HA HA HA!!

OLVIR ARSVINNAR​

In​

(The camera follows Anderson’s gaze over to the nearby fraternity house… which looks like it’s survived a thousand hurricanes over the past week alone. Despite the decrepit appearance of the building, it remains in tact, and is in fact teeming with college students at a regular frat party. Only we can see this is no frat; where there would normally be a set of Greek letters above the doorway, we can see scrawled into the siding of the large house three characters from the Futhorc: Ansuz Sowulo Sowulo. Ironically, these are the Norse letters of A, S, and S respectively.)

"ARSVINNAR HOUSE"​

​

Terry “The Idol” Anderson
I expected nothing less…

(Growing used to the never-ending circus that is covering the uncontrollable Viking, Anderson casually walks to the house and comes inside to join the party. He doesn’t bother knocking, likely because the front door seems to have been knocked off its hinges during the initial raid. As Terry steps inside, he immediately finds himself out of place. Saggy features and orange skin aside, his tacky burgundy leisure suit clashes wildly with the sea of white sheets in this textbook toga party. The reporter seems to overcome an hesitation about appearing out of place as he quickly gets into the thick of things, grabbing a plastic cup of beer and grinning widely at every young, petite woman he sees.)

Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Hey, HEY! How’s it goin’, honey? You remember ME from about twenty years ago?

…oh, you weren’t even CONCEIVED back then? Kids these days…

(After being blown off a few more times, the reporter comes to the nearby stairway leading to the second floor, where a small group of has gathered of a different kind of party-goers. A handful of people sit surrounding a younger man in a turtleneck sweater who plays a delicate on the guitar he brought with him.)

Lame-Ass Guitar-Playing Hippie
I gave my love a cher-ry, that had no stone…

I gave my love a chick-en, that had no bone…

(As the incredibly excruciating song continues, plodding footsteps suddenly come rumbling down the stairs. A pair of fuzzy boots come to a stop where the small group sits, and we get a wider shot of none other than OLVIR ARSVINNAR in full party attire! Of course, given that Olvir doesn’t use regular bedsheets for fear of DESTROYING them with every use, he comes to this toga party clad in a large bear skin that barely covers his rippling mass of bulging muscles. The Viking helmet is naturally in place. The Norseman says nothing at first, but lends an ear to the tune…)

Lame-Ass Guitar-Playing Hippie
I told my love a sto-ry, that had no end…

I gave my love a—

(The next line remains unfinished as Olvir’s arms suddenly snaps out and grabs the guitar by the neck, ripping it out of the musician’s hands. What follows is your typical reenactment of the famous John Belushi Guitar Scene… only rather than breaking the instrument against the wall, the Great Olvir favor’s the poor bastard’s head. The guitar splinters asunder as the disgraced poet is thrown violently off the stairs and to the floor. His audience scatters as the Viking stands with his arms crossed across his wide chest, laughing haughtily.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
HA HA HA HA!! The Great Olvir cares only for the DRUMS OF WAR as he marches into battle!!

(Arsvinnar comes down to the first floor, donning his mead horn and taking a hefty swig. He’s approached by the dedicated reporter, whom he meets with sudden jovialism.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
TERRY… son of Ander… you have sought out my GREATNESS once again to hear my noble words of wisdom! The HOUR OF RECKONING is soon upon us, and the scent of victory TAUNTS the all-smelling nose of the GREAT OLVIR!! The purported Viking-Slayer that is SHAWN HART shall be PULVERIZED beneath my relentless strength, and the great land of NOBLE MAIDENS that is Stanford shall be set AFIRE in the wake of my glorious conquest!

Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Sounds good, but… Olvir, aren’t you a little early on celebrating? I mean, you’ve got a MATCH tomorrow! Instead of doing the logical thing and keeping yourself fresh and prepared, you something think it’s a good idea to be out late partying, drinking mead, smashing skulls, and…

(A pair of fine-looking college girls walk by, smiling seductively at the Viking as they pass by. Terry whistles.)

Terry “The Idol” Anderson
…and getting more ass than an airport toilet seat, by the look of things.

Olvir Arsvinnar
HA HA HA HA!! Do not be COY, Son of Ander! What you see before you here in the HOUSE of ARSVINNAR is not merely an act of piddling my precious time away! I have come to show these young, fertile people of STANFORD of the Viking standard of a party!

Come, Terry! Would you like to try the MEAD-BONG??

Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Huh?! Uh… maybe later. Olvir, I hate to be a party-pooper, because if there’s one guy who LOVES to party, it’s the IDOL… but don’t you think there are more important things at hand?

Your opponent Shawn Hart finally aired a recent promo. A little late, but… he at least seems to have very strong intentions of moving on to the next round of the tournament. In fact, in his promo, he seemed to be mocking your alleged “greatness”… implying that your work is nothing more than a bad attempt at toilet-humor… and calling your recent success in the ring as a simple act of “surviving.”

(Record scratch. The great Viking’s expression turns from benevolent haughtiness to suddenly stupefied ire.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
“SURVIVING?!” HMPH!! A Viking does more than “survive” battle after bloody battle in the field of war! “Survival” is the game of the man who does not know the art of DESTRUCTION!! A Viking does not survive… a Viking CONQUERS his competition! Much like the GREATNESS that is Olvir CONQUERED the weakness that was Ethan Frost… and Cameron Cruise… and Hans Nowak… and the entire island of YAPAN!!

Perhaps when he comes out to find that I am MORE than a funny hat and brazen voice, he will ask himself if HE can survive my unstoppable MIGHT!!

And yet… below the man that conquers… and even below the man that survives… there is the man that FAILS!!

And Shawn of the Hart… the supposed “VIKING-SLAYER”… is that very man! A FAILURE!!

Terry “The Idol” Anderson
That’s a strong thing to say, Olvir… especially when referring to a semi-finalist from last year.

Olvir Arsvinnar
And why merely a SEMI-FINALIST, HM?? Why not the GRAND VICTOR!?!

It matters not how far one gets in his quest… but only if he can walk the entire road!! That is why in the all-seeing eyes of the Great Olvir, this SHAWN HART is nothing more than a weakling… a man who DENIES his own lack of strength and hopes that this year… things will be different!

But the fated thread spun by the three Gray Sisters has already decided the path he will face… and FAILURE awaits him once again!

Terry “The Idol” Anderson
So if you’re going to say that Hart lacks the ability to “go all the way,” what makes you think you’re the man who can do that?

Olvir Arsvinnar
Fool! The Great Olvir is the MASTER of going ALL the way! No doubt, I would have done just that moons ago in the previous tournament had I not been otherwise occupied in the destruction of the Land of the Rising MJOLNIR!!

Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Well, you might have a point, considering you’ve never so much as been pinned in your entire wrestling career… but come on, this is Shawn Hart. El Hombre Magnifico! The guy practically wrote the book when it comes to anything remotely “funny” or “successful” in terms of wrestling. When it comes to everything that makes you OLVIR—the tacky puns, the constant sexual references, the over-the-topness of your antics and speeches—he’s practically the MASTER.

(A confident smile spreads across the devious Viking’s face.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
Perhaps many will call him such… but his time as the “MASTER” has come to its end! The Great Olvir has dethroned MANY titans and champions in his famed conflicts! Shawn Hart shall be NO DIFFERENT!! He will soon come to learn that the name of OLVIR is that of the NEW Master!! He is but a single step in the granite stairway leading to my IMMORTALITY in ASGARD!! With his demise, the spirit of my incontinent kinsman HANS will at last be put to rest, and the GREATNESS that is OLVIR will rise further in CONQUEST and FAME!!

Let the fool MOCK ME as so many other FAILURES have done before him… and let him grieve in agony the horrible shame and suffering that awaits him in the arena! This lustful BEAST has only just been released from his cage… but his hunger remains UNSATIATED!! My reign of DOMINANCE has only just begun, and I WILL NOT REST until I taste this weakling’s blood and force him to face the fate that was drawn for him!

HA HA HA HA!!

(Like a switch being flipping on in his head, the Viking suddenly goes from being a boisterous tyrant to the jovial stag he was at the beginning of the promo. Olvir downs the rest of his mead and tosses it aside as one would a beer can, and makes a beeline across the room—plowing over a number of collar-popped frat boys in the process—and nabs the two women who eyed him earlier.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
The ANTICIPATION of my VICTORY brings great stirring to my iron-clad loins! Come, fertile maidens! Your ARSES will do well in cooling the HOT FIRE that burns within me! HA HA HA HA!!

(With a bewildered woman hoisted over either shoulder, Olvir stampedes through the house once again, this time taking out Otis Day and a number of the Knights standing on stage. If you think this act is unforgivable, just remind yourself that they’re a fictional band. Without slowly for even a moment, Arsvinnar marches by Terry and disappears up the stairway. The reporter’s left to give his closing comments to the camera.)

Terry “The Idol” Anderson
No doubt if I hadn’t dropped out of college all those years ago for smoking dope and banging the dean’s daughter… I’d almost be as legendary as this overnight success! It’s truly astonishing to witness just how fast the man works… whether it be with the ladies, or taking out the competition! Seriously, we haven’t seen a man get this kind of notoriety so fast since… well, ME!!

A time long past, I’m sad to say…

(He looks momentarily depressed, and his sagging features seem to droop a few inches more as a result. After a moment, he regains his composure and flashes the camera his trademark smile, likely forced.)

Terry “The Idol” Anderson
But, if you’re in the area of Stanford, don’t forget to drop by TOMORROW NIGHT for the SECOND ROUND of the Los Angeles Bracket of the TEAM Invitational Tournament! Come cheer on your favorite stars! Naturally, I’ll be rooting for the big guy now deflowering the two chicks upstairs…

…not out of any favorable regard, mind you, but due to the simple fact that the longer he stays in this thing, the more cash I get!

(Great thumping can be heard from upstairs. Terry grabs another beer and goes back to unsuccessfully trying to pick up college chicks as the camera goes to black.)