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Lord Of The Boards 2007: Lord Of The Boards Final

Yori Yakamo jr

League Member
Jun 4, 2005
Nutmeg State
Jeff Roberts v. 'The Ultimate Adonis' Johnny Onan

The winner will recieve a World title shot at TOTAL ELIMINATION and be crowned Lord of the Boards.

Promos go here.

Promo deadline is Friday, September 7th at 11:59 PM


Jun 29, 2007
Fade in....

Jeffrey Roberts....sitting behind an old style oak school desk, wearing a t-shirt that reads "J-Rob 11:59". With an exacto knife he carves into the desktop, though we do not see the results. Roberts cocks his head to the left or right to admire whatever has been carved, as he speaks.

Roberts: "Johnny Onan, I like you. I watched with interest your exchange with Justin, a man who wants so very badly to be everyone's hero. He wants to be cheered so badly that he practically begs for the attention with every word that comes out of his mouth. I like that you shut him up, mostly because he was beginning to give me a headache - and I had considered the possibility that I would have to take a needle and thread and sew his mouth shut permanently."​

"But with us? It could never be that way with us."​

"We're not exactly the men you'd cheer for and the people in charge are worried about this. I think they'd like a clear cut 'good guy' and 'bad guy'. I do anesthesia-free plastic surgery on people, so they just aren't likely to cheer for me. You've got the arrogant playboy thing going, and they usually don't cheer for that either."​

"I'm willing to do my best for God and country, however. I can pull my hair back, feathered and perfect and parted down the middle. I can pull out the old bicep tassles and sparkly boots. I'm willing to play the fool for you, Johnny - just to make everyone happy. You've been such a good sport for me, after all."​

"You didn't make a big deal of things when I carved a little message into your back. You just went to the doctor like a good little boy and got it all taken care of. That tells me that you are a man I can work with. You are a man who is willing to practice the art of give and take. Since you gave with your heart last time, I shall give with mine this time. You be the bad guy, I'll rally the fans and be the good guy. I'll give a little boy my sunglasses and slap hands with the ladies. Maybe I'll sign a breast."​

"But what of the match itself? I don't know. I'm not too good at playing with others once the physicality sets in. Things could change at any moment, and then chaos takes over. I'd hate to have that happen - to leave the fans with no one to cheer for - but a man must be whatever he is no matter the circumstance."​

"We are what we are, Johnny."​

Roberts stops his carving, then nods approvingly.

"Now this.......this...is the true face."​

Roberts rips from the desk a glossy of Johnny Onan, slit underneath each eye around to the ear and sliced on each side of the mouth with a Glasgow Smile. .......

Fade out....


League Member
Oct 31, 2005
(Johnny Onan stands before his favorite MBE Banner)

ONAN: This is some kind of joke, isn't it?

Just some big old trog prank that my opponent this week is trying to play on Johnny Onan?

It must be. Because there is simply no way on Earth that this goofy looking mouth-breather could ever really deceive himself into believing that he could ever be in any way even the slightest bit like the Ultimate Adonis.

I mean, look at him....

...And then look at me...




Okay you can stop now.

So what do your eyes tell you?

That I am the most perfect form of a human creature that has ever been created. And he is...


I mean scientists could take the two of us and break us down to the very core of our essenses - down to the molecular level - and the closest they could come to drawing a commonality between us is that we are both made up of molecules. Of course, Johnny Onan would be made of perfectly fit and sexy molecules and Jeffery Roberts would be mostly cellulite and mud - but thats really immaterial to the point.

That point being, stop wishing that you were Johnny Onan, and content yourself with merely being the absolute best that YOU can be. Which in this case means "not the 2007 Lord of the Boards".

Oh, and as far as that little Sinead O'Connor to my JP Deuce act you played wth my photo....

I'd be careful to avoid Interpol agents for the next few weeks if I were you {and thank God that I am not}. Because - as far as I recall - it's an International Crime to deface one of the worlds Great Works of Art.

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