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[FADE-IN: Before an Intergalactic backdrop, made of silver with awesome little Space Invaders running along the bottom, stands the Executive Director for the Intergalactic Championship Commission, MORTON MURPHY. Wearing a shiny silver IGC polo shirt and blue jeans, MORTON stands there holding his hands in front while he awaits his cue. To his right stands a man with bright white shoulder length hair, which is wet and slicked back. He sports a handsome handlebar moustache which is just as bright and white. Wearing a bright pink t-shirt with a purple star emblazoned on the chest and black leggings (yes, leggings) topped off with a pair of New Zealand wool mid-calf ugg boots, is IKAN JOBTAYOO, grinning in all his stupid glory.]
[CUT-TO CLOSE-UP: of MURPHY and IKAN who pipes up before MORTON can make the introductions.]
IKAN JOBTAYOO:
“Velcome wrestling fans, yah? You here to celebration the showing of zee ORGANSATIONAL CHAOTICISM and you be happy we show you, yah?”
MORTON MURPHY: (cringing)
“Roughly translated; welcome to the show! Welcome to iTunes or GEE-TEE-EFF-OH in our RE-CAP of ORGANISED CHAOS!
“The Intergalactic Championship Commission took the show on the road to RICHMOND, VIRGINIA, where we had not ONE but TWO matches to find some qualifiers to head on to the ULTRATITLE finale. A place where SABRE and PHIL AITKEN await glory to be crowned upon them. A place where dreams will be made and nightmares begin as professional wrestling PEAKS in what can only be called the climax of the century.
“I’m joined by the Prince of Pinfall, IKAN JOBTAYOO, who is OBVIOUSLY very happy to be here.”
IKAN JOBTAYOO:
“Yah. Very happy, Morty. Ikan so happy to be here on Internet television program. Is this live?”
MORTON MURPHY:
“Uh... no. Pre-recorded. We’re just showing the fans what went down on Saturday night in Richmond, Virginia.”
IKAN JOBTAYOO:
“It’s Saturday already?”
MORTON MURPHY:
“What? No. We’re TALKING about what happened Saturday. Showing some clips and videos of what transpired.”
IKAN JOBTAYOO:
“Oh. That is for shame. Who died?”
MORTON MURPHY:
“Died? What on EARTH are you talking about?”
IKAN JOBTAYOO:
“Transpired, Morty! You said someone TRANSPIRED.”
MORTON MURPHY:
“Oh God. This is going to be a long shoot.
“Fans, the first match that took place saw LANE CASH, “THE JERSEY DEVIL” TROY MATTHEWS and CHRISTOPHER RYAN EAGLES all colliding in competition to compete for the THIRD spot in the finale at the ULTRATITLE finally crowning our FIRST Intergalactic Champion.
“Unfortunately though, LANE CASH got his geography mixed up and took the Greyhound to Richmond, CALIFORNIA, and never made the event. This left our contest to be fought out by EAGLES and MATTHEWS in what turned out to be a rather one-sided affair.”
IKAN JOBTAYOO:
“OOOOOOOOH! Affair! We are like zee TMZ, yah? Celebrity affairs are SO saucy, yah? Ikan ALWAYS trying to keep up with zee LiLo.”
MORTON MURPHY: (talking off-screen)
“Can we get pain GRILLE back in here? Even BookFace!
“Folks, we cut half-way through the action with EAGLES in control of the contest. Ladies and gentlemen, THIS is ORGANISED CHAOS! Your commentators are “PLAYBOY” HARRY BALKIN and my little idiot friend here, IKAN JOBTAYOO, with special...
“OH so special....
“....Commentary.”
SINGLES QUALIFIER MATCH
SCHEDULED FOR ONE FALL!
CHRISTOPHER RYAN EAGLES versus “THE JERSEY DEVIL” TROY MATTHEWS
[FADE-IN: from the graphics to EAGLES whipping MATTHEWS into the ropes and hitting him with a clothesline, dropping MATTHEWS to the canvas. He proceeds to rush over to the fallen MATTHEWS and begin to stomp randomly at his body. First a thigh. Then the lower back. Calf. Forearm. The fans voice their disapproval.]
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“Sassy ol’ Eagles REALLY givin’ the honky from Jersey a run for his money, Ikan. WOOO! He’s stompin’ mudholes in him and it’s remindin’ me of the time I ordered a video called “Footloose in Felicity”. I didn’t have enough hands to eat my popcorn, brother. Ya feel me, Ikan?”
IKAN JOBTAYOO:
“OOoooh! Dancing movies make Ikan so happy.”
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“SEE-ARR-EEE pullin’ up the Jersey Devil an’ whips him inta the corner. BOOM! Big ol’ splash an’ Troy got hisself a mouthful’f Eagles’ sternum. He falls face first like a big ol’ oak into the canvas.”
IKAN JOBTAYOO:
“Eagles is zee Cancer of TWOstars, Mr. Playboy. Maybe Matthews needs the chemo?”
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“I may be old. I may be stupid. But I ain’t never touchin’ that one with a FORTY FOOT pole, son. WOOOO!”
[Driving a foot into the base of MATTHEWS' skull, EAGLES forces his momentum forward, pulling up MATTHEWS and driving a knee into his belly. Doubled over, MATTHEWS can only ride the fall as a front face lock is applied and EAGLES falls back, driving his skull into the canvas with a DDT.]
IKAN JOBTAYOO:
“DDT from Eagles and Matthews looks better or for worse.”
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“You ever got yaself arrested by the grammar police, son? WOOO! Eagles makin’ the cover... ONE!
“TWO!
“THRE-NO! Matthews gets his shoulder up and sits up. Eagles is really takin’ this match to him and he’s gaspin’ for air like those three eighteen year-old girls in my hotel room last night, Ikan.”
IKAN JOBTAYOO:
“They has the asthma, Harry?”
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“Oh man! Is this guy for real? It’s like the lights are on but the fusion electricity ain’t invented yet! Eagles pullin’ Matthews to his feet, drivin’ a knee into his belly. And another. AAAAND another. Ol’ Jersey Devil in HELL as Eagles tries to turn his sternum inta pulp in front’f all these Virginians.”
[EAGLES scoops up MATTHEWS and power slams him into the canvas before stepping to the outside of the ring. He lifts the apron and begins to grab some weapons from ringside when SAORI KAZAMA tries to snatch a sledgehammer from EAGLES’ grasp. EAGLES snatches it back from her and backhands her to the ground to massive heat from the fans.]
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“BAM! I ain’t seen a woman back-handed like that since Ike and Tina’s sex tape. Eagles gets into the ring with all them big ol’ weapons he tossed in just seconds ago. Grabs himself a street sign, shows it to the fa- WHAM-O!”
[EAGLES cracks the sign over MATTHEWS one more time before tossing it aside. He grabs a kendo stick and drives it down onto the spine of MATTHEWS. The fans boo loudly as MATTHEWS falls onto his belly. He begins to rise up onto all fours and just as he does EAGLES brings the kendo stick down on his spine again.]
IKAN JOBTAYOO:
“This is violence, yah? Eagles is beating zee Devil likes Jesus did the Jews.”
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“Oh brother. Send your letters to Ikan Jobtayoo: CARE OF THE UNEMPLOYMENT LINE COLLECTIN’ WELFARE! WOOOOOO!
“Eagles tosses that kendo aside, onto the next weapon: THE STEEL CHAIR!”
[EAGLES puts the chair around the JERSEY DEVIL’s head and raises a fist to the fans. A sadistic grin is spread across his face when a sledgehammer BARELY misses his head. He turns to his right and see SAORI swinging the hammer at his head. The grin spreads wider as he stalks toward her, KAZAMA holding her ground with a sledgehammer at the ready.]
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“Christopher Ryan Eagles STALKING Saori Kazama like a pedo in a kinder but she’s holdin’ ground an’ ready with that big ol’ sledgehammer, ready to wipe that smile off his face. She swings AAAANNNN- EAGLES CATCHES IT! HE SNATCHES IT OUT OF HER HAND!”
IKAN JOBTAYOO:
“I CANNOT WATCH ZEE BANG-BANG!”
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“HE’S LIFTING IT OVER HIS HEAD TO SMASH HER WI- MATTHEWS GRABS THE HAMMER! SPINS EAGLES AROUND! WHAM, BAM, THANK-YOU MA’AM! MATTHEWS just SMASHED Eagles RIGHT IN THE KISSER by jabbing the sledgehammer’s handle into his face. Eagles drops like a sack of proverbial and looks to be in a bad way.”
[MATTHEWS checks on SAORI who demands he give EAGLES a taste of his own medicine. Puts his boot on EAGLES’ face and spins around. The fans cheer loudly as he uses it to give himself momentum, leaps into the corner, bounces off the top rope and lands a legdrop across EAGLES’ face.]
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“Tides have turned like Oprah rolled over in her water bed. Matthews with a springboard legdrop. Quick up on his feet. Hits the ropes. Middle rope. KNEE DROP! Ouch!”
IKAN JOBTAYOO:
“Oprah water bed? Oh! I GET IT! It’s because she’s fat, yah?”
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“Oh boy. I answer that and a sniper sprays my brains across the fans behind me! WOOOO!
“Matthews picks up Eagles and stings him with a calf kick. Thigh kick. Thigh kick on the other side. Quick calf kick. Toe kick to the liver. Oh this is getting fast!”
[MATTHEWS strikes viciously with quick, precise kicks to the legs and body, forcing EAGLES back toward the corner, trying to predict where the kicks are going to come from but the training from MATTHEWS is just too much for him as he’s backed into the corner. He hits EAGLES in the chest with a jumping back kick and he flails his arms over the top ropes, dazed in the corner.]
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“Mule kick puts Eagles in the corner and those feet are jus’ TOO punishing for Christopher Ryan Eagl- MATTHEWS UP THE ROPES! BIIIIIIIG ROUNDHOUSE KICK TO THE BACK OF THE HEAD! DOWN goes Eagles!”
[Falling flat on his face, EAGLES is rolled over by MATTHEWS and he hooks the leg. The fans count with the referee.]
IKAN JOBTAYOO:
“PIN COVERINGS! ONE-SKI!
“TWO-SKI!
“THREE-SKI!
“SHOULDER UP-SKI! Zat was close, yah?”
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“Yah! Erm... yeah! Matthews losin’ no time and hits the ropes, leaping with a bodypress- DOWN goes Eagles. Eagles bounces up as Matthews rolls over him. Charges with a clothesline but Matthews ducks under it. Off the ropes – ROLLING KOPPOU KICK! DOWN goes Eagles again! He’s eatin’ feet like he got a foot fetish!”
[Flat on his back, EAGLES gasps for air as MATTHEWS begins to stalk him from a distance, just enough space to get a couple of steps of speed together.]
IKAN JOBTAYOO:
“Troy Matthews is like zee stalking prarie dog. Waiting for precise moment to come out!”
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“Prarie dog? Pardon my stupidity, son, but I don’t get the reference.”
IKAN JOBTAYOO:
“Ikan heard Ajax talk about zee prarie dog popping head in and out on way to bathroom. Said it could strike any minute.”
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“In the commentary booth, things are going from bad to worse but for Christopher Ryan Eagles things are going from worse to HELL! JERSEY DEVIL WITH THE TRENDSETTER! SHINING ENZUIGURI AND IT’S LIGHTS OUT! COVER!
“ONE!
“TWO!
“THREE!”
***DING! DING! DING!***
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“MATTHEWS WINS! He damn near kicks ol’ Eagles’ head clean off and makes the cover. He advances toward the ULTRATITLE finale. He advances toward Phil Aitken and Sabre. He advances towards becoming our FIRST Intergalactic Champion.”
[MATTHEWS rolls out of the ring to the outside, celebrating with SAORI ringside as the fans cheer him on. Fists raised high above his head in celebration, KAZAMA and MATTHEWS make their way to the back excitedly as EAGLES tries to come to back inside the ring.]
[CUT-TO: MURPHY and JOBTAYOO in the studio as MURPHY lets go an impressed whistle.]
MORTON MURPHY:
“IM-PRESS-SIVE showing from the JERSEY DEVIL as he moves on toward the finale at the ULTRATITLE to become the INTERGALACTIC Champion. Eagles just ended up out-classed at the end. He got out early but couldn’t hold on as Matthews struck him with the Trendsetter and got himself the pinfall.
“Game over!
“Speaking of Game Over... LEYENDA DE OCHO takes on fellow IWF alumni in EDDIE WHISKY and AXION JACKSON in the IGCC ring in a TRIANGLE match to become the FOURTH contender at the ULTRATITLE finale.
“Unfortunately, the IWF is on a small hiatus and has REALLY fed IGCC some terrific talent on it’s shows. We saw the Emerald City Champion, VIZIER ta SETI lose at FLY ME TO THE MOON against HORNET in terrific style and one HELLUVA main event.
“Tonight’s main event, it’ll be no different.”
IKAN JOBTAYOO:
“Ikan like zee moon.”
MORTON MURPHY:
“Oh boy. Where is this headed?”
IKAN JOBTAYOO:
“Nowhere. Ikan like zee moon.”
MORTON MURPHY:
“Oh. Right. Uh... thanks for that, Ikan.”
IKAN JOBTAYOO:
“Yah. Ikan really like zee moon. Remind him of his mother when she pick up soap back home in Bjelkez.”
MORTON MURPHY:
“And there it is. Cut to the match.”
TRIANGLE QUALIFIER MATCH
SCHEDULED FOR ONE FALL!
LEYENDA de OCHO v. EDDIE WHISKY v. STEVE “AXION” JACKSON
SCHEDULED FOR ONE FALL!
LEYENDA de OCHO v. EDDIE WHISKY v. STEVE “AXION” JACKSON
[FADE-IN: from the graphics to STEVE “AXION” JACKSON standing in one corner slapping the top turnbuckle while DE OCHO applies a side-headlock to EDDIE WHISKY.]
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“De Ocho chokin’ Whisky with a headlock like he was bein’ paid by Michael Hutchence. SIDE bulldog and WHISKY in a bad way. COVER!
“ONE!
“TWO!
“THR-KICKOUT! Whisky had a close call there.”
IKAN JOBTAYOO:
“Axion still no get in zee ring, yah?”
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“Yah... Dammit! Yeah! Axion Jackson waiting Impatiently to get tagged in. Only way he can see action is if someone exits the ring or TAGS him in. And neither have happened yet.”
[DE OCHO pulls WHISKY up to his feet and attempts to whip him into the corner but WHISKY reverses it. WHISKY charges in behind DE OCHO but he runs up the turnbuckle and jumps back, nailing WHISKY with a dropkick to the chest.]
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“BAM! That was impressive! The 8-Bit Icon hittin’ the Sour Mash Superstar with both feet and he tumbles back. Bounces to his feet and charges- ARM DRAG! Whisky bounces up and his laid face first INTO the canvas with a drop toe hold.”
[DE OCHO turns to his left and charges at the ropes, leaping onto the second rope and flipping off with a moonsault landing knees first on WHISKY’s spine. WHISKY rolls around wailing as AXION JACKSON leans over the ropes demanding a tag.]
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“Jackson DEMANDIN’ to get in like Ellen Degeneres at a clam bar. De Ocho pulls Whisky to his feet, knee to the gut, doubled over and DDT! Whisky flat on his back as de Ocho ascends to the top!”
[As DE OCHO reaches the top rope he launches and flips through the air executing a devastating frontflip senton, bouncing up onto his feet grimacing in visible pain as AXION JACKSON bounds through the ropes and drives a running knee into DE OCHO’s gut before cupping a hand behind DE OCHO’s head and sending him hurtling over the top rope to the outside.]
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“Jackson just INSERTED himself into the match. PLACE INNUENDO HERE! WOOOO! Double knee-drop on Whisky’s chest and COVER!
“ONE!
“TWO!
“THREE! SHOULDER UP! That was a close one”
IKAN JOBTAYOO:
“Close and no butt cigar!”
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“Oh good grief! Jackson heaves Whisky to his feet and whips him into the ropes. Shoulderblock. Down goes Whisky. Jackson in the ropes – LEGDROP on Whisky’s face.”
[JACKSON hauls WHISKY to his feet again locks up, driving knees into WHISKY’s upper body then driving him down on his bended knee with an atomic drop.]
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“HOT DAMN! That’s gotta hurt the future kids. CLOTHESLINE! While Whisky clutches his aggots like they was rare collectibles Jackson DROVE his forearm through his face AND THERE’S ANOTHER COVER!
“ONE!
“TWO!
“THREE!
“NO! DE OCHO JUST PULLED JACKSON OUT OF THE RING! THEY’RE TRADIN’ PUNCHES RINGSIDE LIKE SOCK ‘EM BOP ‘EM! JACKSON PREVAILS!”
[AXION hits some quick successive rights with no response before driving DE OCHO’s face into the ring apron. He cups the head and slams it forehead first into the ringpost. He then nails DE OCHO with a snap powerslam that leaves the whole crowd groaning.]
IKAN JOBTAYOO:
“That has to make the hurt!”
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“Damn straight that makes the hurt, Ikan. Whisky up, steps over the top rope- FLYING CLOTHESLINE FROM THE APRON! DOWN GOES JACKSON!”
[WHISKY pulls JACKSON to his feet and into the air, pulling him into a bear hug. He nails a headbutt right into WHISKY’s face before slamming him down onto the ringside floor with a bear hug frontslam.]
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“Whisky DRIIIIIIVIN’ Jackson SPINE FIRST into the HARD floor. De Ocho UP! FOREARMS TO THE BACK OF WHISKY BUT WHISKY AIN’T SHOWIN’ NOTHIN’! BIIIIIG right and DOWN goes de Ocho!”
[WHISKY scoops up de Ocho and rams him spine first into the ringpost before shoving him under the bottom rope.]
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“Headin’ back inside and Whisky’s got de Ocho on his feet. SOUR MASH! HOLY MACKEREL! DE OCHO JUST FOLDED UP LIKE A CHINESE CONTORTIONIST IN MY BEDROOM AND THERE’S THE COVER!
“ONE!
“TWO!
“THREE! NO! JACKSON FROM THE TOP ROPE WITH A FIST DROP! HE BREAKS THE COVER! THIS IS BEDLAM!”
[JACKSON pulls WHISKY to his feet, peppering him with right hands until he pushes him back into the corner. He bends down and drives a shoulder thrust into WHISKY’s gut before hitting a standing dropkick into WHISKY’s chest.]
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“The referee doesn’t know who the Hell should be in the ring. Jackson taking it to Whisky. De Ocho down for the count.”
IKAN JOBTAYOO:
“This like wrestling orgy with so many peoples, yah?”
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“Nein. I mean – No! Nothing like it – I think! Jackson charging to the corn- WHISKY EXPLODES OUT WITH A CLOTHESLINE AND FLIPS JACKSON HEAD OVER HEELS WITH HIS FOREARM! JACKSON DOWN! DE OCHO DOWN! THIS IS MAYHEM!”
[Standing over the two downed opponents, WHISKY looks at JACKSON and then DE OCHO before grabbing DE OCHO and dragging him over the body of JACKSON and putting JACKSON’s foot on the bottom rope so the referee doesn’t consider it a legal cover.]
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“What on EARTH is that mad man doing? HE’S CLIMBIN’ HIGH! WILL WE SEE THE HANG OVER?”
IKAN JOBTAYOO:
“UH-OHHHH! Big guy making the Mile High Club with Jackson and de Ocho!”
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“There’s so much sexual innuendo you can cut it with a knife!”
[WHISKY flips through the air with his patent moonsault, yet at the last moment DE OCHO rolls off of JACKSON leaving him to take the brunt of the flipping two hundred and eighty pounds of destruction. DE OCHO quickly pulls the ropes and gets to his feet as WHISKY clutches his ribcage gasping in air greedily.]
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“De Ocho up. Whisky suckin’ wind like a- Nah, that one’s TOO easy. Jackson ANNIHILATED by the Hang Over. Whisky on one kne- DE OCHO CHARGES IN WITH A SPINNING HEEL KICK! DOWN GOES WHISKY!”
[DE OCHO bounds back to his feet and quickly up the turnbuckle to his right, closest to WHISKY. He reaches the second rope and flies through the air, twisiting and turning with a corkscrew moonsault.]
IKAN JOBTAYOO:
“Actualizar! LOOK AT HIM TWISTY TURNY! It BEAUTIFUL, yah?”
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“De Ocho flying through the air majestically and lands on Whisky with the Actualizer AND THE COVER!
“ONE!
“TWO!
“THREE!
“NO! JACKSON WITH THE AXE HANDLE TO THE BACK OF DE OCHO! He dug down deep and broke the pinfall and looks like he spent his last penny!”
[JACKSON rolls off DE OCHO, who bounds to his feet frustrated. JACKSON gets to one bent knee and tries to catch his breath. DE OCHO takes a couple of steps back and charges forward, nailing JACKSON with a shining wizard to a massive pop from the fans.]
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“SHINING WIZARD! I think I just saw Axion’s eyes roll back in his head!”
IKAN JOBTAYOO:
“BIG MEAN MONSTER UP, HARRY!”
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“Like a bear with a sore head, Whisky has risen and he looks cantankerous!”
[WHISKY claps down two big hands on DE OCHO’s shoulders, who freezes in his grasp. He spins him around and whips DE OCHO toward the ropes, sending himself hurtling toward the ropes on the opposite side. He strikes with the WHISKY KICK but DE OCHO ducks beneath the boot and off the ropes on the otherside, leaping onto the second rope and flying through the air, catching WHISKY in his arm and spinning around him, using his momentum with a TORNADO DDT to drive him skull first into the canvas.]
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“OH MY GOD! DID YOU SEE THAT? DE OCHO with some CRAAAAAAZY tornado DDT combination and DOWN goes WHISKY! How on EARTH did he manage- HE’S FLIPPING OFF THE SECOND ROPE AGAIN! ANOTHER ACTUALIZAR!
“DE OCHO CHARGES TO THE TURNBUCKLE CLOSER TO JACKSON! ANOTHER ACTUALIZAR! THIS IS AMAZING! A COVER!
“ONE!
“TWO!
“THREE!”
***DING! DING! DING!***
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“DE OCHO WINS! DE OCHO WINS!”
[DE OCHO bursts to his feet with one fist raised in victory and another clutching his most probably bruised sternum. The referee holds his wrist in recognition.]
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“Leyenda de Ocho took on the odds of bein’ the small fish in a pond with SHARKS and he’s managed to overcome the adversity and DEFEAT them both! Amazing contest. Amazing match! Amazing victory!”
IKAN JOBTAYOO:
“My first girlfriend always say: Good thing come in small package.”
PLAYBOY HARRY BALKIN:
“And I always tell my girlfriends: I’ll give you thirteen inches...
“ONE inch at a time! From Harry Balkin and Ikan Jobtayoo this has BEEN Organised Chaos and we now have ALL FOUR CONTENDORS for the ULTRATITLE finale to become the Intergalactic Championship.
“Thanks for watching!”
[Fade to...