ShawnHartXXX
The Phenom
Just some old RP's, pay them no mind.
Ignore This! (Don't Look)
- Thread starter ShawnHartXXX
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ShawnHartXXX
The Phenom
WFW Ghoulish Games: Hart vs. Manson
(FADE IN: 'The Phenom' Shawn Hart, wearing a designer suit, sits behind a news desk. As he fumbles around with a small stack of papers, the '20/20' theme begins to play. The set then proceeds to illuminate as the camera zooms in on Hart. He sets the papers on the desk, then displays a distinguished look toward the camera...)
Hart: "Good evening folks, and welcome...... ......to the Hart Perspective. Our top story tonight..."
(A graphic featuring a still shot of a grimacing Michael Manson having liquid spewed into his face appears in the top, left-hand corner of the screen.)
Hart: "A recent study shows that prolonged exposure to Michael Manson, former wrestling star, current plague on society, can potentially hamper proper execution of bodily functions. Harmful side-effects found in relation to Mr. Manson's presence include heartburn, indigestion, anal leakage, erectile dysfunction, diarrhea, uncontrollable vomiting, cold sweats, hot flashes, nausea and scrotal acne. For more on these symptoms, we go to our medical expert... Vic 'The Dick' Rivière, M.D.... Doctor..."
(CUT TO: Vic Waters, sporting a white coat, a stethoscope, and a poorly made reflective headband.)
Waters: "Gah... Do I HAVE to do this?!"
Hart: "A deal's a deal, pal, and I'm holding you to it! I have you for ONE MONTH, and your performance last week was less than satisfactory. So unless you want to dress like a French maid and scrub my toilet with a toothbrush, you READ THE LINES!!"
(Waters bows his head in shame, then looks up begrudgingly.)
Waters: "T-thank you, Shawn. Ladies and gentlemen, the major problem lies within the downright unintelligible monologues Mr. Manson presents us with in preparation for his upcoming matches. You see, when he speaks, his mouth actually emits a noxious waste that is HIGHLY detrimental to the human brain. It is dispersed through his mouth, after which it travels through both the eyes and ears of the victim, rendering them useless. Upon reaching the cerebral cortex, the hazardous elements inflict MASSIVE damage to the brain itself, often resulting in a loss of rational thinking capabilities, which is soon followed by the problematic bodily discharges and side-effects described earlier."
(CUT TO: Hart at the news desk.)
Hart: "Doctor, is there any way the viewers at home can protect themselves from the malignant aftereffects that exposure to the Manson Virus can cause?"
(CUT TO: Waters.)
Waters: "Shawn, the ONLY way a person can expect to avoid exposure to this debilitating illness, is to avoid exposure to the virus himself! Folks, when Michael Manson is talking... you best get to walking! Shawn..."
(CUT TO: Hart.)
Hart: "Thanks Dr. Dick. On a side note, whereas exposure to Michael Manson has proven harmful to the human body, a regular dosage of Shawn Hart and his unique brand of jiggy-freshness has been known to cure headaches, increase virility, and brighten even the DARKEST of days. Now...
(A serious look covers the Phenom's face as he lifts a finger to his ear piece.)
Hart: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm receiving word from our producers that we're being joined now, via video-phone, by a man who may be able to shed some light on Manson's lack of entertainment value, as well as his farcical god complex, Galacticon, overseer of the cosmos and megaversal warlord. Galacticon, welcome........ ....to the Hart Perspective."
(The screen splits, with Hart on the left side, and Galacticon appearing on the right, wearing what appears to be a Darth Vader mask, covered with red paint, as well as a suit of medieval armor, also covered with red paint.)
Galacticon: "I AM GALACTICON!!!!!"
Hart: "Uhh yes, Galacticon, welcome to the program. Now, being a megaversal warlord, what insight do you have concerning..."
Galacticon: "GALACTICON SHALL CONQUER YOUR GALAXY!!! HOW DARE YOU UNDERESTIMATE THE AWESOME POWER OF GALACTICON!!! YOUR FEEBLE HUMAN BRAIN COULD NEVER POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND THE DESTRUCTIVE FORCE I WIELD!!! YOUR WORLD SHALL PERISH AT THE HANDS OF MY MERCILESS DEATH SQUADRONS!!! ALL HAIL THE AWESOME POWER OF..."
(Suddenly, the feed is cut off, and we go back to the full-screen shot of Hart.)
Hart: "Folks, I would like to sincerely apologize for the video footage that was just shown. That was NOT Galacticon, but rather footage from one of Michael Manson's promos for the BAD promotion earlier this year. At any rate, as our program nears its end for tonight, we've reached that time where I like to take a moment... and share with you, our viewers at home, MY thoughts on the topic of the day..."
(CUE UP: An emotional piano solo as a fancy graphic reading, 'A Final Thought... with The Phenom' appears on screen. Hart turns to face a different camera. CUT TO: Said camera as Hart begins to speak.)
Hart: "Y'know... some would say to me, 'Why Shawn? WHY?'...'WHY do you stand idly by as Michael Manson questions your credibility as a wrestler?' Well, fact is, what Michael Manson says and does is of no concern to me. He wants to say I'm like a 12-year-old with a sugar rush? So be it... I'd rather be a pre-pubescent spazmatic than the next leader of Heaven's Gate. But hey, to each his own. You do your thing... and I'll do mine. Say what you want about our history, make no mistake about it... there's a first time for everything, JACKHOLE... and in case you didn't know, I only need to pin you ONCE to win this match. But hey, talk is cheep... we'll see what happens when the action's in the ring. The PHENOM has left the building!!"
(Hart turns to yet another camera. CUT TO: The aforementioned camera as Hart looks up.)
Hart: "That's all for this edition of the Hart Perspective. Next week... Vaginal Creams: Are They Right For YOU? I'm Shawn Hart... goodnight everybody!"
(CUE music. FADE TO BLACK.)
(FADE IN: 'The Phenom' Shawn Hart, wearing a designer suit, sits behind a news desk. As he fumbles around with a small stack of papers, the '20/20' theme begins to play. The set then proceeds to illuminate as the camera zooms in on Hart. He sets the papers on the desk, then displays a distinguished look toward the camera...)
Hart: "Good evening folks, and welcome...... ......to the Hart Perspective. Our top story tonight..."
(A graphic featuring a still shot of a grimacing Michael Manson having liquid spewed into his face appears in the top, left-hand corner of the screen.)
Hart: "A recent study shows that prolonged exposure to Michael Manson, former wrestling star, current plague on society, can potentially hamper proper execution of bodily functions. Harmful side-effects found in relation to Mr. Manson's presence include heartburn, indigestion, anal leakage, erectile dysfunction, diarrhea, uncontrollable vomiting, cold sweats, hot flashes, nausea and scrotal acne. For more on these symptoms, we go to our medical expert... Vic 'The Dick' Rivière, M.D.... Doctor..."
(CUT TO: Vic Waters, sporting a white coat, a stethoscope, and a poorly made reflective headband.)
Waters: "Gah... Do I HAVE to do this?!"
Hart: "A deal's a deal, pal, and I'm holding you to it! I have you for ONE MONTH, and your performance last week was less than satisfactory. So unless you want to dress like a French maid and scrub my toilet with a toothbrush, you READ THE LINES!!"
(Waters bows his head in shame, then looks up begrudgingly.)
Waters: "T-thank you, Shawn. Ladies and gentlemen, the major problem lies within the downright unintelligible monologues Mr. Manson presents us with in preparation for his upcoming matches. You see, when he speaks, his mouth actually emits a noxious waste that is HIGHLY detrimental to the human brain. It is dispersed through his mouth, after which it travels through both the eyes and ears of the victim, rendering them useless. Upon reaching the cerebral cortex, the hazardous elements inflict MASSIVE damage to the brain itself, often resulting in a loss of rational thinking capabilities, which is soon followed by the problematic bodily discharges and side-effects described earlier."
(CUT TO: Hart at the news desk.)
Hart: "Doctor, is there any way the viewers at home can protect themselves from the malignant aftereffects that exposure to the Manson Virus can cause?"
(CUT TO: Waters.)
Waters: "Shawn, the ONLY way a person can expect to avoid exposure to this debilitating illness, is to avoid exposure to the virus himself! Folks, when Michael Manson is talking... you best get to walking! Shawn..."
(CUT TO: Hart.)
Hart: "Thanks Dr. Dick. On a side note, whereas exposure to Michael Manson has proven harmful to the human body, a regular dosage of Shawn Hart and his unique brand of jiggy-freshness has been known to cure headaches, increase virility, and brighten even the DARKEST of days. Now...
(A serious look covers the Phenom's face as he lifts a finger to his ear piece.)
Hart: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm receiving word from our producers that we're being joined now, via video-phone, by a man who may be able to shed some light on Manson's lack of entertainment value, as well as his farcical god complex, Galacticon, overseer of the cosmos and megaversal warlord. Galacticon, welcome........ ....to the Hart Perspective."
(The screen splits, with Hart on the left side, and Galacticon appearing on the right, wearing what appears to be a Darth Vader mask, covered with red paint, as well as a suit of medieval armor, also covered with red paint.)
Galacticon: "I AM GALACTICON!!!!!"
Hart: "Uhh yes, Galacticon, welcome to the program. Now, being a megaversal warlord, what insight do you have concerning..."
Galacticon: "GALACTICON SHALL CONQUER YOUR GALAXY!!! HOW DARE YOU UNDERESTIMATE THE AWESOME POWER OF GALACTICON!!! YOUR FEEBLE HUMAN BRAIN COULD NEVER POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND THE DESTRUCTIVE FORCE I WIELD!!! YOUR WORLD SHALL PERISH AT THE HANDS OF MY MERCILESS DEATH SQUADRONS!!! ALL HAIL THE AWESOME POWER OF..."
(Suddenly, the feed is cut off, and we go back to the full-screen shot of Hart.)
Hart: "Folks, I would like to sincerely apologize for the video footage that was just shown. That was NOT Galacticon, but rather footage from one of Michael Manson's promos for the BAD promotion earlier this year. At any rate, as our program nears its end for tonight, we've reached that time where I like to take a moment... and share with you, our viewers at home, MY thoughts on the topic of the day..."
(CUE UP: An emotional piano solo as a fancy graphic reading, 'A Final Thought... with The Phenom' appears on screen. Hart turns to face a different camera. CUT TO: Said camera as Hart begins to speak.)
Hart: "Y'know... some would say to me, 'Why Shawn? WHY?'...'WHY do you stand idly by as Michael Manson questions your credibility as a wrestler?' Well, fact is, what Michael Manson says and does is of no concern to me. He wants to say I'm like a 12-year-old with a sugar rush? So be it... I'd rather be a pre-pubescent spazmatic than the next leader of Heaven's Gate. But hey, to each his own. You do your thing... and I'll do mine. Say what you want about our history, make no mistake about it... there's a first time for everything, JACKHOLE... and in case you didn't know, I only need to pin you ONCE to win this match. But hey, talk is cheep... we'll see what happens when the action's in the ring. The PHENOM has left the building!!"
(Hart turns to yet another camera. CUT TO: The aforementioned camera as Hart looks up.)
Hart: "That's all for this edition of the Hart Perspective. Next week... Vaginal Creams: Are They Right For YOU? I'm Shawn Hart... goodnight everybody!"
(CUE music. FADE TO BLACK.)
ShawnHartXXX
The Phenom
Hart Segment from LoC (Violence 05)
“O Captain von Trapp?? Where are yooooou??”
The searching voice belonged to Erin Reynolds who, as fate would have it, was wearing a NUN’S outfit! As blasphemous or ironic as it seemed, that was the image that graced our television screens. Erin Reynolds... ...dressed as a nun (albeit one with an unusually high-cut skirt). Suddenly, the door burst open and the Phenom, decked out in a classic Austrian military garb, emerged!
“Fraulein Maria...” he said in a low, seductive tone. “Is what the children are saying true?! Did you destroy the drapes in your room to make them horribly gay-looking outfits?!”
Fraulein Erin lowered her head in shame, then began to sing in a slow, quiet voice.
“Doe... a dear...” she began to gyrate her pelvis. “...a FEEEEEMAAAAAALE dear...”
The Phenom licked his lips, lustfully, then quickly let out a loud whistle from a shiny, silver instrument in his hand.
“No! Captain von Trapp.. puh-leeeeeease!!” Erin forced out. “Don’t punish the children for my... DIRTY DEEDS!”
Captain von Hart grinned maliciously, then stepped in close to Erin.
“What do you suppose I do then, FRAULEIN MARIA?!?!”
Erin looked away, submissively, then WITHOUT WARNING grabbed the Phenom’s head and pulled it into her chest!
“Punish me, Captain... PUNISH ME!!” she screamed.
With his head at her bosom, Hart moved his face about, licking and kissing as he went.
“Mmmmm, yeah!! You’re HILLS are ALIVE with the SOUND OF MUSIC!!”
Suddenly, a member of the production crew burst into the room unannounced!
“Uhh, Mr. Hart, uhh... sir?” he said, obviously embarrassed by what he was witnessing.
Startled, Erin pulled her ever-hiking skirt down over her legs as far as it would go. The Phenom then glared at the stage hand.
“Can’t you see we’re engaged in ROLE PLAY here?! What the hell do you want?!” he barked.
“Umm, Black Tom sent me. He told me to tell you that ya have the night off... y’know, to prepare for the World title tournament.”
Almost immediately, the Phenom’s annoyance turned to jubilation as he looked back to Erin.
“You hear that Fraulein?” he said with desire in his eyes. “The night is mine to cross your Alps!!”
As the camera zoomed in, Erin approached the Phenom, took his hand, and placed it somewhere unseen with a giggle. Hart’s face grew red as she spoke.
“All the way to Switzerland, Captain...”
Stunned by what he was seeing, the assistant nervously backed out of the room. As Erin sat on a small table and the Phenom began to creep down toward her midsection, we CUT TO THE NEXT SEGMENT!
“O Captain von Trapp?? Where are yooooou??”
The searching voice belonged to Erin Reynolds who, as fate would have it, was wearing a NUN’S outfit! As blasphemous or ironic as it seemed, that was the image that graced our television screens. Erin Reynolds... ...dressed as a nun (albeit one with an unusually high-cut skirt). Suddenly, the door burst open and the Phenom, decked out in a classic Austrian military garb, emerged!
“Fraulein Maria...” he said in a low, seductive tone. “Is what the children are saying true?! Did you destroy the drapes in your room to make them horribly gay-looking outfits?!”
Fraulein Erin lowered her head in shame, then began to sing in a slow, quiet voice.
“Doe... a dear...” she began to gyrate her pelvis. “...a FEEEEEMAAAAAALE dear...”
The Phenom licked his lips, lustfully, then quickly let out a loud whistle from a shiny, silver instrument in his hand.
“No! Captain von Trapp.. puh-leeeeeease!!” Erin forced out. “Don’t punish the children for my... DIRTY DEEDS!”
Captain von Hart grinned maliciously, then stepped in close to Erin.
“What do you suppose I do then, FRAULEIN MARIA?!?!”
Erin looked away, submissively, then WITHOUT WARNING grabbed the Phenom’s head and pulled it into her chest!
“Punish me, Captain... PUNISH ME!!” she screamed.
With his head at her bosom, Hart moved his face about, licking and kissing as he went.
“Mmmmm, yeah!! You’re HILLS are ALIVE with the SOUND OF MUSIC!!”
Suddenly, a member of the production crew burst into the room unannounced!
“Uhh, Mr. Hart, uhh... sir?” he said, obviously embarrassed by what he was witnessing.
Startled, Erin pulled her ever-hiking skirt down over her legs as far as it would go. The Phenom then glared at the stage hand.
“Can’t you see we’re engaged in ROLE PLAY here?! What the hell do you want?!” he barked.
“Umm, Black Tom sent me. He told me to tell you that ya have the night off... y’know, to prepare for the World title tournament.”
Almost immediately, the Phenom’s annoyance turned to jubilation as he looked back to Erin.
“You hear that Fraulein?” he said with desire in his eyes. “The night is mine to cross your Alps!!”
As the camera zoomed in, Erin approached the Phenom, took his hand, and placed it somewhere unseen with a giggle. Hart’s face grew red as she spoke.
“All the way to Switzerland, Captain...”
Stunned by what he was seeing, the assistant nervously backed out of the room. As Erin sat on a small table and the Phenom began to creep down toward her midsection, we CUT TO THE NEXT SEGMENT!
ShawnHartXXX
The Phenom
Hart NFW Debut
(Scene: The ever-confident, ever-controversial WFW champion, Shawn Hart, is strolling the red carpet at the premiere of a poorly produced Hollywood B-movie, in which the Phenom makes a cameo appearance. Before entering the theatre, he stops for a short interview with one of the wrestling dirt sheet reporters he recognizes...)
Hart: "Loooooook out, hombre! WFW champ in the house!!"
Reporter: "Well if it isn't the Phenom! Congrats on the new movie, Shawn..."
Hart: "Merci, mon ami! *he pats the WFW title belt draped over his right shoulder* How's about this new hardware, huuuuuh?"
Reporter: "Yeah, that's really quite the accomplishment, but I'm actually here to ask you about NFW."
(Hart's hands rush to his temples as he squints with pain. He looks up at the reporter in confusion...)
Hart: "NFW?? What..... ....what are you talking about?"
Reporter: "Our readers just don't seem to understand how you can have so much success everywhere else you wrestle, but look so horrible in your quest for the Ultratitle."
(Hart takes a step back, as his body begins to shake...)
Hart: "But... I've never wrestled for NFW.."
Reporter: "What do you mean you've never wrestled for NFW? You've been labeled by many as the biggest bust in New Frontier's history!"
Hart: "I'm.. not in NFW!!"
Reporter: "Yes you are!!"
Hart: "No I'm NOT!!"
Reporter: "Are to, are to, are to!"
(Cue Up: Some creepy trance music...)
Hart: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
(Suddenly, Hart bolts away from the theatre and into the streets! As he continues to run down the dark, rain-covered alleyways of the city, he sobs with frustration. As the Phenom reaches a dead-end, he falls to his knees, then cries out into the dark night skies. Fade to black.)
__________
(Cut To: Hart, standing in the front yard of his sprawling Orlando, Florida estate. Decked out in polka dot boxers and a Spice Girls t-shirt, he pulls his monthly issue of Pro Wrestling Illustrated out of the mailbox. The cover reads, "Phenom less than phenomenal in New Frontier Wrestling!" and features a picture of Hart being dropped on his head by Eli Flair. Shawn looks down at the magazine, then off to the distance...)
Hart: "How can this... be.... I've never... I mean I....
(Cue Up: More creepy trance music. Shawn gulps down nervously, covers his eyes, then looks back up...)
Hart: "It's not true... NOT TRUE.... ....NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
(Shawn angrily throws his mail into the street, and dashes back into his house, sobbing. Fade to black.)
__________
(Cut To: A downtrodden Phenom, lying on the couch in his psychiatrist's office. A look of horror covers Shawn's face as he and his doctor watch THIS footage on tape...)
O’Connor: “Well, Manson really worked that neck. As you saw in the opening of the show, Mike Manson was able to nearly break Shawn Hart’s neck off his spine with that TR Sitout Powerbomb.”
H’Wood: “When Manson smells blood like a neck injury, it doesn’t take him long to go for the kill.”
O’Connor: “After that move, Manson delivered a vicious ‘Sweet Dreams’ Stunner which knocked Hart out long enough to get tied down by those streamers attached to his ring attire in the coffin.”
H’Wood: “I don’t even think that was necessary. But you know Manson, he’s a very meticulous person. He wants to make sure the job is done ‘right’.”
O’Connor: “Michael Manson was able to get 10 points on the board heading into next week where he’ll team up with division leader Eli Flair. Shawn Hart meanwhile has to find a way to come up successful next week, or he’s still at 0 points through the first quarter of the season.”
(The psychiatrist stops the tape. Shawn puts both hands over his face and shakes his head in disgust. He then attempts to collect himself, and sits up in the couch...)
Hart: "I can't believe this... You're my shrink, how could I have not known? How oculd this happen to ME?!"
Doctor: "Somnambulism, Mr. Hart... with a touch of Schizoaffective disorder."
Hart: "Somma what now?"
Doctor: "Heh, sleep walking, Shawn. You see, it is my theory that, due to an overabundance of stress in your daily life, you've developed this sleeping disorder, and prehaps even hallucinogenic episodes..."
Hart: "Hallucinations?! Whaaaaa???"
(Cut To: The Phenom at his home, resting soundly in his bed. Suddenly he sits up, his eyes still closed, and proceeds to get out of bed. Just then, his closet doors swing open and a shadowy figure emerges...)
Hart: "Wha??? Uhhhhh.... *drools*.... who.... WHO are you?!"
Mysterious Figure: "Hello, Shawn! I'm [link:www.wheeloffortune.com/bios.pjw?cat=about&id=12|Pat Sajak]!!"
Hart: "Pat....... Sajak?"
Sajak: "Yes Shawn, and if you want to solve this puzzle, there's something you'll have to do for me first."
Hart: "Can I buy a vowel?"
Sajak: "You sure can, but before you do that... I want you to pack up your gear, go to NFW, and wrestle Michael Manson.....badly."
Hart: "Will I get a free spin?"
Sajak: "You sure will, Shawn!! Now go lay on your back like the girly man you are!"
(Shawn begins to pack a suitcase, his eyes still closed, his body swaying from side to side as he packs...)
Hart: "Yesss... master.........."
(Cut back to Hart and his psychiatrist. Shawn falls to his knees and begins to weep, once again. Cut To: An aerial shot of the Phenom as he holds his arms towards the cieling...)
Hart: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
(As Shawn's doctor shakes his head, then begins to write out a prescription, we fade to black.)
__________
(Cut To: A gloomy Shawn Hart in his living room, sporting a purple bath robe, hair curlers, and a facial mask, as he watches the latest episode of Days of Our Lives...)
Hart: "I can't believe I let this happen. As far as New Frontier Wrestling is concerned, Shawn Hart ain't nuthin but a two-bit jay-bird. I dunno if I can even call myself the Phenom anymore!!!"
(As Shawn bathes in his pool of self-pity, the front doors of his house suddenly burst open! Standing there, in the doorway, is none other than spiritual advisor [link:www.garyspivey.com|Gary Spivey]!!!!)
Gary Spivey: "Phenom Shawn Hart, I've come to help you!"
Hart: "WHOA! Gary Spivey of the Psychic Friends Network?!"
Gary Spivey: "Yes Shawn, yes. I'm Gary Spivey... and I can't believe I just heard you say those awful words!!! ................... ..........that you said!!"
Hart: "But Gary, I've lost 3 weeks in a row. I'm a bigger disgrace than California's ploitical scene! How could I ever recapture that jiggy freshness?"
(Inexplicably, Spivey seemingly pulls a small mirror out of nowhere and displays it for Hart...)
Spivey: "Shawn, I want you to look into this mirror, and TELL ME who you see!!"
Hart: "I see Shawn Hart..."
Spivey: "NO! No you don't, Shawn! Look a little bit harder..."
Hart: "But I..."
Spivey: "LOOK! Because if you look hard enough, you won't see just Shawn Hart, you'll see the PHENOM!!! Now tell me WHAT YOU SEE!!!!!!!"
Hart: "I see....... *gulp* I see.... the Phenom?"
Spivey: "YES!!! You see the Phenom, Shawn!!!! ..............................because you are the PHENOM!!!! .................................Shawn!!!!"
Hart: "I see the Phenom!!!!"
(Cue Up: "Gonna Fly Now" from the Rocky movies...)
Spivey: "Say it to me, Shawn!! Say it to me loud and proud!!! OVER AND OVER!!!"
Hart: "I AM THE PHENOM!!!! I AM THE PHENOM!!!"
Spivey: "LOUDER!!!"
Hart: "IIIIIIIIIIII...... AMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM-uhhhhhhhhh..... the PHEEEEEENOOOMMMMMMMM-uhhhh!!!"
Spivey: "Yes, YES!! And what are you going to do next week?"
Hart: "I'm gonna beat Sean Stevens!!"
Spivey: "WHO'S gonna beat Sean Stevens?!?!"
Hart: "THE PHENOM'S gonna beat Sean Stevens!!
Spivey: "Yes, GREAT!! THE PHENOM'S GONNA BEAT SEAN STEVENS!!!!!!!!!! ........Now touch my head."
(Hart stops in his tracks...)
Hart: "Excuse me?!"
Spivey: "FEEEEEEEEEEEEL my hair in all it's brillo pad goodness!!!"
Hart: "Eww."
(Gary Spivey, spiritual advisor, puts his arm around Shawn's shoulder, then looks at him with a shine in his eyes...)
Spivey: "I think you're ready now Shawn, ready to be the PHENOM once again! Come now, let's get ready for this match!"
Hart: "You got it, nnnnnnnnnndaddio!!! Ultratitle, HERE I COME!!"
(Fade to black.)
Experience the AWAKENING of the PHENOM....... THIS WEEK on CRASH TV!
(Scene: The ever-confident, ever-controversial WFW champion, Shawn Hart, is strolling the red carpet at the premiere of a poorly produced Hollywood B-movie, in which the Phenom makes a cameo appearance. Before entering the theatre, he stops for a short interview with one of the wrestling dirt sheet reporters he recognizes...)
Hart: "Loooooook out, hombre! WFW champ in the house!!"
Reporter: "Well if it isn't the Phenom! Congrats on the new movie, Shawn..."
Hart: "Merci, mon ami! *he pats the WFW title belt draped over his right shoulder* How's about this new hardware, huuuuuh?"
Reporter: "Yeah, that's really quite the accomplishment, but I'm actually here to ask you about NFW."
(Hart's hands rush to his temples as he squints with pain. He looks up at the reporter in confusion...)
Hart: "NFW?? What..... ....what are you talking about?"
Reporter: "Our readers just don't seem to understand how you can have so much success everywhere else you wrestle, but look so horrible in your quest for the Ultratitle."
(Hart takes a step back, as his body begins to shake...)
Hart: "But... I've never wrestled for NFW.."
Reporter: "What do you mean you've never wrestled for NFW? You've been labeled by many as the biggest bust in New Frontier's history!"
Hart: "I'm.. not in NFW!!"
Reporter: "Yes you are!!"
Hart: "No I'm NOT!!"
Reporter: "Are to, are to, are to!"
(Cue Up: Some creepy trance music...)
Hart: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
(Suddenly, Hart bolts away from the theatre and into the streets! As he continues to run down the dark, rain-covered alleyways of the city, he sobs with frustration. As the Phenom reaches a dead-end, he falls to his knees, then cries out into the dark night skies. Fade to black.)
__________
(Cut To: Hart, standing in the front yard of his sprawling Orlando, Florida estate. Decked out in polka dot boxers and a Spice Girls t-shirt, he pulls his monthly issue of Pro Wrestling Illustrated out of the mailbox. The cover reads, "Phenom less than phenomenal in New Frontier Wrestling!" and features a picture of Hart being dropped on his head by Eli Flair. Shawn looks down at the magazine, then off to the distance...)
Hart: "How can this... be.... I've never... I mean I....
(Cue Up: More creepy trance music. Shawn gulps down nervously, covers his eyes, then looks back up...)
Hart: "It's not true... NOT TRUE.... ....NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
(Shawn angrily throws his mail into the street, and dashes back into his house, sobbing. Fade to black.)
__________
(Cut To: A downtrodden Phenom, lying on the couch in his psychiatrist's office. A look of horror covers Shawn's face as he and his doctor watch THIS footage on tape...)
O’Connor: “Well, Manson really worked that neck. As you saw in the opening of the show, Mike Manson was able to nearly break Shawn Hart’s neck off his spine with that TR Sitout Powerbomb.”
H’Wood: “When Manson smells blood like a neck injury, it doesn’t take him long to go for the kill.”
O’Connor: “After that move, Manson delivered a vicious ‘Sweet Dreams’ Stunner which knocked Hart out long enough to get tied down by those streamers attached to his ring attire in the coffin.”
H’Wood: “I don’t even think that was necessary. But you know Manson, he’s a very meticulous person. He wants to make sure the job is done ‘right’.”
O’Connor: “Michael Manson was able to get 10 points on the board heading into next week where he’ll team up with division leader Eli Flair. Shawn Hart meanwhile has to find a way to come up successful next week, or he’s still at 0 points through the first quarter of the season.”
(The psychiatrist stops the tape. Shawn puts both hands over his face and shakes his head in disgust. He then attempts to collect himself, and sits up in the couch...)
Hart: "I can't believe this... You're my shrink, how could I have not known? How oculd this happen to ME?!"
Doctor: "Somnambulism, Mr. Hart... with a touch of Schizoaffective disorder."
Hart: "Somma what now?"
Doctor: "Heh, sleep walking, Shawn. You see, it is my theory that, due to an overabundance of stress in your daily life, you've developed this sleeping disorder, and prehaps even hallucinogenic episodes..."
Hart: "Hallucinations?! Whaaaaa???"
(Cut To: The Phenom at his home, resting soundly in his bed. Suddenly he sits up, his eyes still closed, and proceeds to get out of bed. Just then, his closet doors swing open and a shadowy figure emerges...)
Hart: "Wha??? Uhhhhh.... *drools*.... who.... WHO are you?!"
Mysterious Figure: "Hello, Shawn! I'm [link:www.wheeloffortune.com/bios.pjw?cat=about&id=12|Pat Sajak]!!"
Hart: "Pat....... Sajak?"
Sajak: "Yes Shawn, and if you want to solve this puzzle, there's something you'll have to do for me first."
Hart: "Can I buy a vowel?"
Sajak: "You sure can, but before you do that... I want you to pack up your gear, go to NFW, and wrestle Michael Manson.....badly."
Hart: "Will I get a free spin?"
Sajak: "You sure will, Shawn!! Now go lay on your back like the girly man you are!"
(Shawn begins to pack a suitcase, his eyes still closed, his body swaying from side to side as he packs...)
Hart: "Yesss... master.........."
(Cut back to Hart and his psychiatrist. Shawn falls to his knees and begins to weep, once again. Cut To: An aerial shot of the Phenom as he holds his arms towards the cieling...)
Hart: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
(As Shawn's doctor shakes his head, then begins to write out a prescription, we fade to black.)
__________
(Cut To: A gloomy Shawn Hart in his living room, sporting a purple bath robe, hair curlers, and a facial mask, as he watches the latest episode of Days of Our Lives...)
Hart: "I can't believe I let this happen. As far as New Frontier Wrestling is concerned, Shawn Hart ain't nuthin but a two-bit jay-bird. I dunno if I can even call myself the Phenom anymore!!!"
(As Shawn bathes in his pool of self-pity, the front doors of his house suddenly burst open! Standing there, in the doorway, is none other than spiritual advisor [link:www.garyspivey.com|Gary Spivey]!!!!)
Gary Spivey: "Phenom Shawn Hart, I've come to help you!"
Hart: "WHOA! Gary Spivey of the Psychic Friends Network?!"
Gary Spivey: "Yes Shawn, yes. I'm Gary Spivey... and I can't believe I just heard you say those awful words!!! ................... ..........that you said!!"
Hart: "But Gary, I've lost 3 weeks in a row. I'm a bigger disgrace than California's ploitical scene! How could I ever recapture that jiggy freshness?"
(Inexplicably, Spivey seemingly pulls a small mirror out of nowhere and displays it for Hart...)
Spivey: "Shawn, I want you to look into this mirror, and TELL ME who you see!!"
Hart: "I see Shawn Hart..."
Spivey: "NO! No you don't, Shawn! Look a little bit harder..."
Hart: "But I..."
Spivey: "LOOK! Because if you look hard enough, you won't see just Shawn Hart, you'll see the PHENOM!!! Now tell me WHAT YOU SEE!!!!!!!"
Hart: "I see....... *gulp* I see.... the Phenom?"
Spivey: "YES!!! You see the Phenom, Shawn!!!! ..............................because you are the PHENOM!!!! .................................Shawn!!!!"
Hart: "I see the Phenom!!!!"
(Cue Up: "Gonna Fly Now" from the Rocky movies...)
Spivey: "Say it to me, Shawn!! Say it to me loud and proud!!! OVER AND OVER!!!"
Hart: "I AM THE PHENOM!!!! I AM THE PHENOM!!!"
Spivey: "LOUDER!!!"
Hart: "IIIIIIIIIIII...... AMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM-uhhhhhhhhh..... the PHEEEEEENOOOMMMMMMMM-uhhhh!!!"
Spivey: "Yes, YES!! And what are you going to do next week?"
Hart: "I'm gonna beat Sean Stevens!!"
Spivey: "WHO'S gonna beat Sean Stevens?!?!"
Hart: "THE PHENOM'S gonna beat Sean Stevens!!
Spivey: "Yes, GREAT!! THE PHENOM'S GONNA BEAT SEAN STEVENS!!!!!!!!!! ........Now touch my head."
(Hart stops in his tracks...)
Hart: "Excuse me?!"
Spivey: "FEEEEEEEEEEEEL my hair in all it's brillo pad goodness!!!"
Hart: "Eww."
(Gary Spivey, spiritual advisor, puts his arm around Shawn's shoulder, then looks at him with a shine in his eyes...)
Spivey: "I think you're ready now Shawn, ready to be the PHENOM once again! Come now, let's get ready for this match!"
Hart: "You got it, nnnnnnnnnndaddio!!! Ultratitle, HERE I COME!!"
(Fade to black.)
Experience the AWAKENING of the PHENOM....... THIS WEEK on CRASH TV!
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ShawnHartXXX
The Phenom
Hart Segment from LoC (Violence 06)
'Alright guys, Dawn Cassidy standing by backstage where...'
*SMASH!*
Before one could even register what the lovely Miss Cassidy was saying, a second female figure STREAKED from off-camera and viciously TACKLED her out of the shot! As Dawn grunted with pain, none other than the PHENOM of LoC, SHAWN HART, walked into the camera’s view from the opposite side of the screen.
'Man... It’s never good when that happens...'
While the Phenom smirked to himself, ERIN REYNOLDS appeared on the scene, adjusting her outfit and fixing her hair. After collecting herself, she smiled into the camera, then brought Dawn’s microphone to her lips.
'NOW... ladies and gentlemen, staaaaaanding by with the HIGHLIGHT of Violence, Shawn Hart, is yours truly, somebody that’s MUCH more attractive than Dawn Cassidy... the luscious Erin Reynolds! Now Shawn, tell me...how does it feel to be interviewed by such an amazing woman?'
Hart chuckled, glanced down toward his midsection, then looked to Erin.
'Well I have to say... my EXCITEMENT’s growing by the second!'
Erin lowered her shades, shooting the Phenom a rather inquisitive look. Amused by his statement, she eagerly continued with her interview.
'And what about your match tonight?'
A puzzled expression took Hart’s face. 'Match... tonight?!' He scratched his chin in befuddlement. 'Are you suuuuuuure?'
'Tee hee, the World Title Tournament, remember?' Erin replied sarcastically.
Flash bulbs went off in the Phenom’s head. He snapped his fingers, feigned an epiphany, and looked Erin in the eyes.
'Oh that... well, I wouldn’t call it a real MATCH, per se. My winning this tournament is a forgone conclusion. Besides, I beat this Chachi Rodrigo kid last week. Tenderized him like a Thanksgiving turkey...'
'Boiled him like an Easter egg?' Erin wondered.
'Fried him like a Kentucky COCK.' answered the Phenom.
Erin giggled, licked her lips, and continued to throw professionalism out the window.
'How’s about this League of Extraordinary Champions then? What have YOU to say about this motley alliance of yours that’s run amok since the day LoC opened doors?'
'Heh, what can I say really? Without me, these guys would be floundering like puffer fish. THEY are the egg-men, I am the Walrus... GOO GOO GA JOOB! But hey, here I am, there they are, and just so long as they know what’s what, Black Tom and I will carry this damn thing home!'
Suddenly Erin’s eyes widened and she began to shy away from her oh-so amazing interview. Unknowingly, Hart continued to stand there with his cocky, million-dollar smile, anxiously awaiting Erin’s next hard-hitting question.
'Watch your ****ING mouth!!' a deep voice said.
Hart quickly turned to see what lowly figure had the audacity to interfere with his segment, but was instead met by the ‘MAN OF WAR’, ALEXANDER JERUSALEM.
'Your ass better get off that high horse... and respect the one who’s doing all the ****ing work around here!!'
The Phenom grinned to himself, tickled as opposed to being impressed or intimidated by AJ’s interjection.
'Listen bub, I think you’re jiggy like jelly beans... and you’re free to ride my coattails for as long as that curse-dispersin' heart of yours desires, but as far as the LeC’s concerned, I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let the INMATES run the asylum.'
Rage began to build in the Man of War's face as thoughts of a bloodied Phenom danced in his head. But rather than allowing his anger to get the better of him, he simply stared down at the Phenom, forcing a sarcastic smile.
'There you go with your little faggot ass words.' Alexander said, followed by a slight chuckle.
'Listen PISS-ANT!!!! The only one riding coattails here...'
Without notice, Alexander poked Hart in the chest, '...is your ****ing ass!! And like the little ***** ass you are...' he then pointed to Erin, 'You hide behind that 2 cent WHORE!!!'
Miffed by what she was hearing, and lacking common sense, Erin stepped forward to try and go at Jerusalem, but was derailed when Hart held his forearm out before her. He shook his head, then turned his attention back to AJ.
'Whoa, whoa... that’s very impolite of you to say. The love you take is equal to the love ya make, brah!'
'Brah?!?!' Alexander replied with a confused look on his face. 'First off, that ***** is lucky you stopped her.' Alexander paused, then shot Erin an icy stare. 'Don't **** with me girl!'
He placed his attention back to Hart, 'Secondly, I have some love I'd like you to take from me... BRAH!' Alexander stepped into the Phenom’s face, '...And it's the type of love that a father has for his redheaded stepson!'
'Say it, don’t spray it...' Hart casually fired back.
INCENSED by the Phenom’s lack of respect, the Man of War grabs Hart by the neck and cocks his fist back! However, before he can throw a punch, BLACK TOM emerges onto the scene and squeezes his way between the two men!
'What n’the saaaam HELL do you boys think yur doin’!!' Tom spouted furiously.
Jerusalem reluctantly took his hand from Hart’s neck, nodded to Tom, then backed away shaking his head and laughing. Hart attempted to do the same, but was stopped by Black Tom.
'If you cause somthin’ like this again there WILL be consequences!! Now go get your ass ready for this match!!'”
Obviously shaken by what had gone down, Hart shook Tom’s hand off of him, grabbed Erin by the arm, and stormed off-camera.
'Alright guys, Dawn Cassidy standing by backstage where...'
*SMASH!*
Before one could even register what the lovely Miss Cassidy was saying, a second female figure STREAKED from off-camera and viciously TACKLED her out of the shot! As Dawn grunted with pain, none other than the PHENOM of LoC, SHAWN HART, walked into the camera’s view from the opposite side of the screen.
'Man... It’s never good when that happens...'
While the Phenom smirked to himself, ERIN REYNOLDS appeared on the scene, adjusting her outfit and fixing her hair. After collecting herself, she smiled into the camera, then brought Dawn’s microphone to her lips.
'NOW... ladies and gentlemen, staaaaaanding by with the HIGHLIGHT of Violence, Shawn Hart, is yours truly, somebody that’s MUCH more attractive than Dawn Cassidy... the luscious Erin Reynolds! Now Shawn, tell me...how does it feel to be interviewed by such an amazing woman?'
Hart chuckled, glanced down toward his midsection, then looked to Erin.
'Well I have to say... my EXCITEMENT’s growing by the second!'
Erin lowered her shades, shooting the Phenom a rather inquisitive look. Amused by his statement, she eagerly continued with her interview.
'And what about your match tonight?'
A puzzled expression took Hart’s face. 'Match... tonight?!' He scratched his chin in befuddlement. 'Are you suuuuuuure?'
'Tee hee, the World Title Tournament, remember?' Erin replied sarcastically.
Flash bulbs went off in the Phenom’s head. He snapped his fingers, feigned an epiphany, and looked Erin in the eyes.
'Oh that... well, I wouldn’t call it a real MATCH, per se. My winning this tournament is a forgone conclusion. Besides, I beat this Chachi Rodrigo kid last week. Tenderized him like a Thanksgiving turkey...'
'Boiled him like an Easter egg?' Erin wondered.
'Fried him like a Kentucky COCK.' answered the Phenom.
Erin giggled, licked her lips, and continued to throw professionalism out the window.
'How’s about this League of Extraordinary Champions then? What have YOU to say about this motley alliance of yours that’s run amok since the day LoC opened doors?'
'Heh, what can I say really? Without me, these guys would be floundering like puffer fish. THEY are the egg-men, I am the Walrus... GOO GOO GA JOOB! But hey, here I am, there they are, and just so long as they know what’s what, Black Tom and I will carry this damn thing home!'
Suddenly Erin’s eyes widened and she began to shy away from her oh-so amazing interview. Unknowingly, Hart continued to stand there with his cocky, million-dollar smile, anxiously awaiting Erin’s next hard-hitting question.
'Watch your ****ING mouth!!' a deep voice said.
Hart quickly turned to see what lowly figure had the audacity to interfere with his segment, but was instead met by the ‘MAN OF WAR’, ALEXANDER JERUSALEM.
'Your ass better get off that high horse... and respect the one who’s doing all the ****ing work around here!!'
The Phenom grinned to himself, tickled as opposed to being impressed or intimidated by AJ’s interjection.
'Listen bub, I think you’re jiggy like jelly beans... and you’re free to ride my coattails for as long as that curse-dispersin' heart of yours desires, but as far as the LeC’s concerned, I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let the INMATES run the asylum.'
Rage began to build in the Man of War's face as thoughts of a bloodied Phenom danced in his head. But rather than allowing his anger to get the better of him, he simply stared down at the Phenom, forcing a sarcastic smile.
'There you go with your little faggot ass words.' Alexander said, followed by a slight chuckle.
'Listen PISS-ANT!!!! The only one riding coattails here...'
Without notice, Alexander poked Hart in the chest, '...is your ****ing ass!! And like the little ***** ass you are...' he then pointed to Erin, 'You hide behind that 2 cent WHORE!!!'
Miffed by what she was hearing, and lacking common sense, Erin stepped forward to try and go at Jerusalem, but was derailed when Hart held his forearm out before her. He shook his head, then turned his attention back to AJ.
'Whoa, whoa... that’s very impolite of you to say. The love you take is equal to the love ya make, brah!'
'Brah?!?!' Alexander replied with a confused look on his face. 'First off, that ***** is lucky you stopped her.' Alexander paused, then shot Erin an icy stare. 'Don't **** with me girl!'
He placed his attention back to Hart, 'Secondly, I have some love I'd like you to take from me... BRAH!' Alexander stepped into the Phenom’s face, '...And it's the type of love that a father has for his redheaded stepson!'
'Say it, don’t spray it...' Hart casually fired back.
INCENSED by the Phenom’s lack of respect, the Man of War grabs Hart by the neck and cocks his fist back! However, before he can throw a punch, BLACK TOM emerges onto the scene and squeezes his way between the two men!
'What n’the saaaam HELL do you boys think yur doin’!!' Tom spouted furiously.
Jerusalem reluctantly took his hand from Hart’s neck, nodded to Tom, then backed away shaking his head and laughing. Hart attempted to do the same, but was stopped by Black Tom.
'If you cause somthin’ like this again there WILL be consequences!! Now go get your ass ready for this match!!'”
Obviously shaken by what had gone down, Hart shook Tom’s hand off of him, grabbed Erin by the arm, and stormed off-camera.
ShawnHartXXX
The Phenom
WFW Merrython: Hart vs. Michaels
(FADE IN: Sitting at the desk of his personal office at his estate in Orlando, The Phenom... also known as Shawn Hart, fumbles confusedly through a drawer, eventually retrieving a pencil and a pad of paper. Upon locating it, he places the pad before him and looks upward, pensively. He momentarily ponders some great perplexity, nods his head, then places the pencil onto the paper as he begins to write...)
V/O: "Dear... Mr. Michaels..."
(A disgusted look graces the Phenom's face as he scoots back in his chair. He thinks to himself, the begins to chuckle.)
Hart: "HA! Dear Mr. Michaels... what the HELL am I thinkin'?!"
(He shakes his head with a smile, erases his greeting, then proceeds to rewrite.)
V/O: "DEAREST Scotty..."
(He nods, approvingly.)
V/O: "How... are... you?"
(The Phenom pauses, then looks all around him, seemingly expecting some great ovation for this monumentous achievement.)
Hart: "Heh, this is easy!!"
(He continues writing.)
V/O: "Probably not too good after getting dropped on your melon, courtesy of a Sean Edmunds suplex, huh? I mean, don't you hate that?! I know, if I were you, I would hate that. You know what I do hate though, Scotty? I hate when some wack-ass WANKER like Minion feels the need to impose himself on my situation!! I mean, what in the BLUE BLAZES could be coursing through his obviously ravaged mind when he tries to pull a moronic stunt like that!! The whole thing is ridiculous, and I SWEAR to GOD, if he even thinks about..."
(The Phenom puts his hands to his temples, shakes his head about, then takes a deep breath.)
Hart: "Whoa, whoa... come on now PHAT Papa, gotta take it down a notch here. Calm down and cool off.
(He sits there, disappointed in himself, until finally coming to some great realization. He then rushes for another of the drawers, whips it open, and busts out a 6 pack of imported Mexican beer.)
Hart: "Whew... here we go..."
(He cracks one of the bottles open, takes a couple BIG swallows, then slams it down on the desk, satisfied.)
V/O: *sings* "Muh-muh-muh-myyyy CORONA!!"
(Hart licks the excess brew from his lips, then resumes his letter.)
V/O: "Anyway, I'm just writing you here to make sure that you know that, after I stymie your attempt at winning the WFW gold, causing you to miss that year-end deadline and send you packin', I hope there are no hard feelings. I think you're a very.... uhhh..."
(He taps the pencil against his chin in contemplation. Then returns it quickly to the paper.)
V/O: "NEAT!! I think you're a very neat guy, who's accomplished alot of very uhh... neat things during the course of one HELL of a NEAT career! Heck, in all honesty, if it hadn't been for you, I may not be in the position I am today! You clocked Manson, helped me go over on him, and by golly... I'll be DAMNED if I don't repay you for your deeds! In fact..."
(He pauses, then proceeds to dig through his pants pockets. He removes what appears to be an opened condom wrapper.)
Hart: "What the?!"
(He holds it closer to his face, then looks inside the wrapper.)
Hart: "GOOD GOD!!"
(He tosses the wrapper off camera in disgust, shudders, then continues to rummage through his pockets. After discovering and dismissing a pair of sunglasses, some pennies, and a pair of women's underwear, he finds a crumpled piece of paper, examines it, then snaps his fingers and returns to his writing.)
V/O: "In fact... enclosed is a two-for-one Grand Slam Breakfast coupon! Redeemable at participating Denny's Restaurants nationwide!!"
(He stops, once again, then reexamines the coupon.)
V/O: "Excuse me, redeemable at participating Denny's Restaurants in the Kissimmee/St. Cloud area. But either way, it's YOURS Scotty baby! Enjoy!"
(Hart glances quickly at his watch.)
V/O: "I wonder what time Magnum is on?"
(He ponders, once again, before bringing his correspondence to a close.)
V/O: "Heh, bottom line... I appreciate you and what you've done here, but your time has come and gone my friend. Scotty Michaels is about to go the way of POGS, Yahoo Serious, and Coleco Vision. That bein' the hipetty dippety doo, just remember... we all LOOOOOOOVED you!! Deepest sympathy and utmost regards... Shawn J. Hart, Esquire!"
(He slams his pencil sharply the paper, forming the letter's last period. He then rubs his hands together and looks into the camera.)
Hart: "The PHENOM... has left... the building..."
(FADE OUT.)
(FADE IN: Sitting at the desk of his personal office at his estate in Orlando, The Phenom... also known as Shawn Hart, fumbles confusedly through a drawer, eventually retrieving a pencil and a pad of paper. Upon locating it, he places the pad before him and looks upward, pensively. He momentarily ponders some great perplexity, nods his head, then places the pencil onto the paper as he begins to write...)
V/O: "Dear... Mr. Michaels..."
(A disgusted look graces the Phenom's face as he scoots back in his chair. He thinks to himself, the begins to chuckle.)
Hart: "HA! Dear Mr. Michaels... what the HELL am I thinkin'?!"
(He shakes his head with a smile, erases his greeting, then proceeds to rewrite.)
V/O: "DEAREST Scotty..."
(He nods, approvingly.)
V/O: "How... are... you?"
(The Phenom pauses, then looks all around him, seemingly expecting some great ovation for this monumentous achievement.)
Hart: "Heh, this is easy!!"
(He continues writing.)
V/O: "Probably not too good after getting dropped on your melon, courtesy of a Sean Edmunds suplex, huh? I mean, don't you hate that?! I know, if I were you, I would hate that. You know what I do hate though, Scotty? I hate when some wack-ass WANKER like Minion feels the need to impose himself on my situation!! I mean, what in the BLUE BLAZES could be coursing through his obviously ravaged mind when he tries to pull a moronic stunt like that!! The whole thing is ridiculous, and I SWEAR to GOD, if he even thinks about..."
(The Phenom puts his hands to his temples, shakes his head about, then takes a deep breath.)
Hart: "Whoa, whoa... come on now PHAT Papa, gotta take it down a notch here. Calm down and cool off.
(He sits there, disappointed in himself, until finally coming to some great realization. He then rushes for another of the drawers, whips it open, and busts out a 6 pack of imported Mexican beer.)
Hart: "Whew... here we go..."
(He cracks one of the bottles open, takes a couple BIG swallows, then slams it down on the desk, satisfied.)
V/O: *sings* "Muh-muh-muh-myyyy CORONA!!"
(Hart licks the excess brew from his lips, then resumes his letter.)
V/O: "Anyway, I'm just writing you here to make sure that you know that, after I stymie your attempt at winning the WFW gold, causing you to miss that year-end deadline and send you packin', I hope there are no hard feelings. I think you're a very.... uhhh..."
(He taps the pencil against his chin in contemplation. Then returns it quickly to the paper.)
V/O: "NEAT!! I think you're a very neat guy, who's accomplished alot of very uhh... neat things during the course of one HELL of a NEAT career! Heck, in all honesty, if it hadn't been for you, I may not be in the position I am today! You clocked Manson, helped me go over on him, and by golly... I'll be DAMNED if I don't repay you for your deeds! In fact..."
(He pauses, then proceeds to dig through his pants pockets. He removes what appears to be an opened condom wrapper.)
Hart: "What the?!"
(He holds it closer to his face, then looks inside the wrapper.)
Hart: "GOOD GOD!!"
(He tosses the wrapper off camera in disgust, shudders, then continues to rummage through his pockets. After discovering and dismissing a pair of sunglasses, some pennies, and a pair of women's underwear, he finds a crumpled piece of paper, examines it, then snaps his fingers and returns to his writing.)
V/O: "In fact... enclosed is a two-for-one Grand Slam Breakfast coupon! Redeemable at participating Denny's Restaurants nationwide!!"
(He stops, once again, then reexamines the coupon.)
V/O: "Excuse me, redeemable at participating Denny's Restaurants in the Kissimmee/St. Cloud area. But either way, it's YOURS Scotty baby! Enjoy!"
(Hart glances quickly at his watch.)
V/O: "I wonder what time Magnum is on?"
(He ponders, once again, before bringing his correspondence to a close.)
V/O: "Heh, bottom line... I appreciate you and what you've done here, but your time has come and gone my friend. Scotty Michaels is about to go the way of POGS, Yahoo Serious, and Coleco Vision. That bein' the hipetty dippety doo, just remember... we all LOOOOOOOVED you!! Deepest sympathy and utmost regards... Shawn J. Hart, Esquire!"
(He slams his pencil sharply the paper, forming the letter's last period. He then rubs his hands together and looks into the camera.)
Hart: "The PHENOM... has left... the building..."
(FADE OUT.)
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