LQJT86C
Where's my money, Chad?
(FADEIN: The footsteps of a man wearing black boots, treading through forest terrain. He begins to narrate while the twigs and leaves crack beneath his steps)
MAN: "First came the storm, then came the night. It was dark, BLACK, and remained that way for months."
(He kneels down and lifts a large stone. Underneath worms, potato bugs, and beetles. He grabs a few insects with his hand, and drops the stone)
MAN: "I was forced to walk amongst the trees, live off the land...even drink my own pee, 'cause of the vitamins and shit. Manny Pacquiao does it."
(Continuing through the woods, we can now hear cars off in the distance)
MAN: "Hurricane Sandy knocked out power for more than 90% of Long Island residents. As of today, power has been restored every home but one. I am that homeowner. This is my story."
(Looks up, and we now see a highway at the edge of the woods. The camera looks back, and on the other side a residential neighborhood can be seen. There is a short distance of woods in between - a couple of kids ride by on dirt bikes)
MAN: "I survived out here, in the wild as primitive man once did, because a Dark Storm left me no other choice. Now the only question is..."
(Turns the camera on himself - it's PETER WINDHAM looking disheveled, unshaven, mullet overgrown, wearing combat boots with cutoff military pants and a blue New York Knicks Raymond Felton #2 jersey)
PW: "...when I come for the Dark Storm, can IT survive ME?! Well? CAN IT...man?"
(CUEUP: "Scentless Apprentice" by Nirvana)
(Peter continues through the woods, avoiding beer bottles and garbage at will)
PW: "That's right kids, it's your old pal Peter Windham. Don't get the wrong idea about me - I'm not actually LIVING in the woods right now. Just came out here to take a dump. Actually I (points behind him toward the street) live right over there down by Locust. Anyway, my power IS out, so I spend at least 5-6 hours in the woods per day. And it feels like I live here! Now that I've acquired such primitive skills as gathering sticks and drinking my own pee, I see Mike Randalls' survivalist lifestyle for the horsecrap that it is! I do pushups out here, situps sometimes, lots of power walking, some running. I'm in the BEST SHAPE OF MY LIFE! And Randalls, if we ever meet face to face again, I would MERK YOU, BITCH!"
"Just like I ALMOST did to Eddie Mayfield!"
"But Eddie told me you retired? Yeah NICE TIMING, asshole. Right when I'm at the apex of my powers! So I'll go ahead and forget about you, until you have the balls to come back here and make me unforget! I have other things on my mind. Such as JJ Deville, the punk bitch who showed his true colors by turning on my older brother, Troy."
"I would now like to take this moment to address the situation."
"Many people and their mothers have been declaring the end of the Windham Clan. Uhh, Earth to morons: I'M STILL HERE! (waves hand furiously) You think I can't handle Windham business while Troy is gone? Troy earned his rest. He doesn't have to come out here and prove anything to anyone. He is not only the greatest wrestler of all time, but also the GREATEST PERSON OF ALL TIME. It's time for the rest of our lazy ass family to pick up the Field Day baton!"
"So to all the haters out there: make sure the body's cold next time you wanna read the Windham Clan's eulogy! And as the NEW leader of the Windham Clan, I shall continue, single-handedly, our quest to rule over NFW with an iron fist. Yeah, I know, Troy wanted to destroy it, but until FEMA approves my Hurricane relief application, I'm stuck relying on NFW for a pay day. So I can't destroy it! Not yet!"
"JJ...your new stable is gay. The Hellfire Club sounds like a place where dudes with nipple rings go to lick peanut butter off each other's abs. If Troy was dead, he'd be rolling over in his grave. But he's not dead, so I'm sure he's out there, not approving and shit."
"HEAR NOW MY WOLF'S CRY, NFW! The Problem Child has become a PROBLEM MAN! I'm almost 40 but I've still got stuff in the basement, to quote Rocky Balboa. And you don't wanna know what's in this basement! In fact, there's going to come a day where I'm gonna pull up next to JJ in a van, tell him to get in, 'cause I've got candy and rollerblades and Genesis games in my basement, and when he arrives in my basement and is all like 'dude what the fuck?!' THAT'S WHEN I SMACK HIM OVER THE HEAD AND HIT HIM WITH THE A.D.D. RIGHT ON MY BASEMENT FLOOR!"
"I've been down at the local LDS church doing some genealogical research, finding out more about my family and who is out there in terms of Windham power, and believe me...THEY'RE OUT THERE! Cheetoh Windham, Gus Windham, Sergei Windham, those are just three off the top of my head. We're in every country, in every continent, ON EVERY PLANET! I got the Mars Rover looking for Windham remains on the red planet! I will scour the universe for intelligent Windham life! THIS DOES NOT END HERE, JJ!"
"Peter Problem Windham Child...OUT!"
(FADEOUT)
MAN: "First came the storm, then came the night. It was dark, BLACK, and remained that way for months."
(He kneels down and lifts a large stone. Underneath worms, potato bugs, and beetles. He grabs a few insects with his hand, and drops the stone)
MAN: "I was forced to walk amongst the trees, live off the land...even drink my own pee, 'cause of the vitamins and shit. Manny Pacquiao does it."
(Continuing through the woods, we can now hear cars off in the distance)
MAN: "Hurricane Sandy knocked out power for more than 90% of Long Island residents. As of today, power has been restored every home but one. I am that homeowner. This is my story."
(Looks up, and we now see a highway at the edge of the woods. The camera looks back, and on the other side a residential neighborhood can be seen. There is a short distance of woods in between - a couple of kids ride by on dirt bikes)
MAN: "I survived out here, in the wild as primitive man once did, because a Dark Storm left me no other choice. Now the only question is..."
(Turns the camera on himself - it's PETER WINDHAM looking disheveled, unshaven, mullet overgrown, wearing combat boots with cutoff military pants and a blue New York Knicks Raymond Felton #2 jersey)
PW: "...when I come for the Dark Storm, can IT survive ME?! Well? CAN IT...man?"
(CUEUP: "Scentless Apprentice" by Nirvana)
(Peter continues through the woods, avoiding beer bottles and garbage at will)
PW: "That's right kids, it's your old pal Peter Windham. Don't get the wrong idea about me - I'm not actually LIVING in the woods right now. Just came out here to take a dump. Actually I (points behind him toward the street) live right over there down by Locust. Anyway, my power IS out, so I spend at least 5-6 hours in the woods per day. And it feels like I live here! Now that I've acquired such primitive skills as gathering sticks and drinking my own pee, I see Mike Randalls' survivalist lifestyle for the horsecrap that it is! I do pushups out here, situps sometimes, lots of power walking, some running. I'm in the BEST SHAPE OF MY LIFE! And Randalls, if we ever meet face to face again, I would MERK YOU, BITCH!"
"Just like I ALMOST did to Eddie Mayfield!"
"But Eddie told me you retired? Yeah NICE TIMING, asshole. Right when I'm at the apex of my powers! So I'll go ahead and forget about you, until you have the balls to come back here and make me unforget! I have other things on my mind. Such as JJ Deville, the punk bitch who showed his true colors by turning on my older brother, Troy."
"I would now like to take this moment to address the situation."
"Many people and their mothers have been declaring the end of the Windham Clan. Uhh, Earth to morons: I'M STILL HERE! (waves hand furiously) You think I can't handle Windham business while Troy is gone? Troy earned his rest. He doesn't have to come out here and prove anything to anyone. He is not only the greatest wrestler of all time, but also the GREATEST PERSON OF ALL TIME. It's time for the rest of our lazy ass family to pick up the Field Day baton!"
"So to all the haters out there: make sure the body's cold next time you wanna read the Windham Clan's eulogy! And as the NEW leader of the Windham Clan, I shall continue, single-handedly, our quest to rule over NFW with an iron fist. Yeah, I know, Troy wanted to destroy it, but until FEMA approves my Hurricane relief application, I'm stuck relying on NFW for a pay day. So I can't destroy it! Not yet!"
"JJ...your new stable is gay. The Hellfire Club sounds like a place where dudes with nipple rings go to lick peanut butter off each other's abs. If Troy was dead, he'd be rolling over in his grave. But he's not dead, so I'm sure he's out there, not approving and shit."
"HEAR NOW MY WOLF'S CRY, NFW! The Problem Child has become a PROBLEM MAN! I'm almost 40 but I've still got stuff in the basement, to quote Rocky Balboa. And you don't wanna know what's in this basement! In fact, there's going to come a day where I'm gonna pull up next to JJ in a van, tell him to get in, 'cause I've got candy and rollerblades and Genesis games in my basement, and when he arrives in my basement and is all like 'dude what the fuck?!' THAT'S WHEN I SMACK HIM OVER THE HEAD AND HIT HIM WITH THE A.D.D. RIGHT ON MY BASEMENT FLOOR!"
"I've been down at the local LDS church doing some genealogical research, finding out more about my family and who is out there in terms of Windham power, and believe me...THEY'RE OUT THERE! Cheetoh Windham, Gus Windham, Sergei Windham, those are just three off the top of my head. We're in every country, in every continent, ON EVERY PLANET! I got the Mars Rover looking for Windham remains on the red planet! I will scour the universe for intelligent Windham life! THIS DOES NOT END HERE, JJ!"
"Peter Problem Windham Child...OUT!"
(FADEOUT)
