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Golden Ticket


Sep 11, 1997
Katy, TX
[updated:LAST EDITED ON Sep-14-02 AT 10:10 PM (EDT)] Cut to Dan Ryan sitting on a park bench....the wind blows lightly, the weather is otherwise pleasant. Ryan leans back, adjusts his sunglasses and stretches his arms out to the side atop the bench..

Ryan: "You know I took a few days off to relax a little bit. Much to my uh.....surprise......my good friend GUNS had no trouble at all finding new people to talk the ears off of. Actually, it's been quite interesting to listen to you and your little buddies go back and forth with Shane Southern but let's get back to the issue at hand, shall we? Unfortunately you didn't simply accept my own take on a GUNS promo and put your stamp on it, but rather chose to say the same things once again in extended format. We've also gotten to hear about how scared we all are of you, the word 'trump' used more often than a night in Atlantic City, and an anatomy lesson on which of your legs is made of metal and which still has ligament and bone. You're right, I did say I would go after the bionic knee. Then I said I'd go after the other knee. Maybe that means I forgot what I said the first time and made a big ol' boo boo. OR.....maybe it means I realized what was what and changed the plan a little bit. You have heard of altering your game plan, haven't you? But what do I know. I'm so stupid for telling you my plan. You, on the other hand are off the IQ charts for practically coming out and telling me I should try the other one. One might think you would keep your mouth shut and let me try in vain to break a metal knee, but that's right....I'm stupid."

Suddenly the shot switches to a brightly colored psychadelic background swirling in geometric patterns in meter with an up and down beat rhythm. Out of the sides of the frame three miniature figures float into different positions on-screen. Each resembles a different member of the Intrusion complete with varying hair colors, white overalls and white eyebrows with red faces. The GUNS representation takes a position in front while the others stop in back and all three fall into rhythm, alternatingly bending left, then straight up, then right and repeating this pattern...all with hands upon hips.

(All together in unison)

"Ooompa Loompa-doopity-doo
We've got a little puzzle for you
Ooompa Loompa-doopity-dee
If you are wise you'll listen to me

What do you get when you 'roid up your bones?
An old, shrunken sac that can smother your stones.
What do you do when your muscles are huge?
Especially if you can.... not.... splooge??

(Ooompa GUNS looks down to his crotch quickly, then back up and speaks in a low voice alone)

"I don't like the looks of it."

(The three resume swaying and speak again in unison)

"Ooompa, Loompa, Doo-pe-dee-da
If you're a legend, you will go far.
You can be a copycat too
Like Miles-Mayfield-GUNS-and-Pi-do!"

(All stop swaying and we get an extreme closeup of Ooompa GUNS)


(Ooompa GUNS gives a big cheesy grin and then the shot cuts quickly back to Dan Ryan on the park bench)

Ryan: "And then of course I've listened to the masters of the microphone, Eddie Miles and Craig Mayfield. Or is it Eddie Craig and Miles Mayfield? Really, I can't distinguish between the two of you so I'm just gonna have to kill two Professionals with one stone. Up until this point I haven't really addressed the two of you at all. Really, I haven't had a reason to. Other than throwing out retread stock insults toward GXW you've really left most of this war of words to GUNS, choosing rather to spend your time and energy trying to get Shane Southern to join your little party and working on making new designs with your smoke rings. So why now? Hell, I dunno. Boredom? I thought I'd slum it in the tag ranks and see how the other half live. Before you reply, let me respond to your reply before you say it. You hurt Evan Aho's shoulder....I haven't done anything but walk out on a Triple X match and get pinned by Southern. Now allow me to retort. Evan Aho? Yeah, alright. You f**ked up his shoulder, I left him in a pool of his own blood. Fun fun fun. Walked out on Triple X. There's more to that than meets the eye. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure that out, but I won't hold my breath waiting on a medical degree to come flying out of your camp. Got pinned by Shane Southern. Guilty as charged. I took the man way too lightly. Behind that bozo hick exterior lies some real talent. I won't make that mistake again. But you two. Well, I'm still not sure why two tag team wrestlers should strike fear into my heart. Especially a tag team who attained their position by defeating....SIMPLY STUNNING?? That's uh...Well, that's uh...that's...definitely something.

The Ooompa Loompa scene comes back up and the three figures once again begin their sing-song swaying

"Ooompa Loompa-doopity-doo
We've got another puzzle for you
Oompa Loompa-doopity-dee
If you are wise you'll listen to me

Where can a c*m-fairy taaag team go?
Call up GUNS and Pi for a nice circle blow
That might be fun for a weeeeek or two
What the hell else can Intru-ders...do?

(GUNS in low voice alone)

"Go bang Mayfield's siiiiiis-ter."

(Ooompa GUNS and Miles put a V-shape up the their mouths and wiggle their tongues through it briefly before assuming Ooompa posture again)

"Ooompa Loompa-doopity-dah
If you're a legend you can go far
You can be a copycat too
Like Miles-Mayfield-GUNS-and-PI-do!"

(Ooompa Mayfield in a high pitched voice and with a perturbed look on his face)

"Doopity doo."

(Shot returns to Ryan on the bench)

Ryan: "Maybe I'll get together one of the little sisters of the poor and make a tag run if I get bored. Hell, it'd triple the teams you've got going after the title as it is. How long did it take to scrounge up a team to challenge at On Time? Tell you what, when you're done defending on the orphanage circuit, come see me again. Maybe by that time I'll get up the desire and need to address you two again."

"As for the rest of the generic GXW haters...Troy Windham...Tom Adler...everyone else who has had a mind to jump up on the bandwagon lately, we'll get to our business all in due time. In the meantime, I would suggest you take a look at some history. I'm not new to this sport. There's plenty of tape out there on the Ego Buster. Whether or not you take the opportunity to find out what I'm about is solely up to you. I won't hold your recent comments against you. You may find we share much in common. Until then..."

(As we F2B a low muffled voice is heard.."doopity-doo"...)

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