vi. FINALS (Part I)
“I’ve never seen anything like this!”
(CUTTO: Backstage- YUTAKA MAEDA plasters MAGNUS DESTRUCTO with a big right hand, sending him into a wall. Magnus turns to regain composure, but Maeda is unrelenting. He picks up a trash can and brings it crashing down on Magnus’ back)
OBERSTARR: If you’re at a loss for words, you’re not alone- SO ARE WE! Apparently, Maeda went- OOOH! BIG ELBOW TO THE FOREHEAD OF MAGNUS; IT MIGHT’VE OPENED HIM!
MYLDE: Hey idiots, watch the spread! I haven’t eaten yet…
OBERSTARR: Apparently, Yutaka Maeda ignored ALL instruction and went straight to the locker room of Magnus, taking him by complete surprise prior to the tournament final! He’s incensed, looking to avenge his previous loss and become the King of All Monsters!
MYLDE: Incensed, huh? I suppose that’s legal here too?
OBERSTARR: Wait a minute, here comes Dulak the Defiler…Golommach too! They grab Maeda by the arms- Dominatra Bozoth steps in and takes aim…but he shakes them both off and catches her leg before it hits his groin! OH MY! HE CLOTESLINED A WOMAN! HE JUST CLOTHESLINED A WOMAN!
MYLDE: Exhilirating, ain’t it?
OBERSTARR: Golommach and Dulak are back up, and they get leveled back down! Here’s Magnus, once more, LEFTS, RIGHTS, it’s a brawl! It’s a g*ddamn brawl!
MYLDE: Quick! Somebody tell Sam and Frodo to toss that ring into the fires of Mt. Doom before Golommach and Dulak take over The Shire! Ahh, that was forced wasn’t it?
OBERSTARR: Extremely. Maeda rocks Magnus with a forearm to the temple…Magnus stumbling back. Charging forward is Maeda, but Magnus takes his momentum and sends the Tokyo native FLYING into the sandwich display!
MYLDE: What’d I say, huh? WHAT’D I SAY!
OBERSTARR: Magnus picks up the long table overhead…
MYLDE: WHAT FEATS OF STRENGTH!
OBERSTARR: …and brings it down on Maeda! Maeda’s crawling, Magnus with a stomp! Maeda STILL crawling- ANOTHER stomp! Wait, what’s this…Maeda’s reaching into…into his…
MYLDE: The hell was that, Sea salt?
OBERSTARR: Sea salt ain’t powder, Jimmy, THAT WAS POWDER! And for Magnus’ sake, let’s hope it’s not the kind of powder that requires immediate medical attention! Excuse my French, but HE CAN’T SEE SH*T!
MYLDE: That’s it Oberstarr, take off the granny panties and lace up those work boots; you’re finally talking like a man!
OBERSTARR: Magnus is swinging at nothing, Jimmy…HE’S SWINGING AT THE DAMN AIR!
MAGNUS: DIE, WORM!
OBERSTARR: For the love of Carpathia, he just nailed Dominatra Bozoth in the forehead!
MYLDE: Hey, she’s been nailed everywhere else, why not the forehead?
OBERSTARR: Magnus hooking those arms at everything in his way- his minions are ducking, bobbing, weaving, heaving…heaving?...heaving! MAEDA NAILS THEM BOTH WITH ELBOWS! Magnus knows he’s close, but he swings and misses!
(Maeda backs up, carefully, watching Magnus like plates watching a bull from outside the china shop. He kneels down next to a garbage can, tipping it over to scavenge quietly. Still watching, he pulls out a long fluorescent light bulb)
OBERSTARR: Damn it, this isn’t wrestling! THIS ISN’T WRESTLING! LOOK OUT!
OBERSTARR: RIGHT ACROSS THE BACK OF MAGNUS’ HEAD! All you see is a white cloud, blood…all Magnus sees is NOTHING! HE’S STILL BLIND!
MYLDE: He’s gonna have to Van Dam it.
OBERSTARR: Maeda just opened one of the side doors. He takes a still disoriented Magnus, and delivers an uppercut! By the wrist now, Maeda irish whips him into the closed door! Magnus stumbles, and Maeda kicks him out the open one! Magnus is outside, and Maeda just shut the door! That’s not in the script, damn it!
MYLDE: Did you just say ‘script’?
OBERSTARR: Yes I did, and THAT’S NOT IN IT.
MYLDE: Great, now they know it’s a work.
OBERSTARR: Where is Maeda GOING? HE’S LEAVING! He ditched Magnus behind the exit door, and now he’s walking off…somewhere!
MYLDE: Smartest thing he did all day. That’s right, leave this dump; I’m with you pal!
(CUTTO: Overview of a packed out Hammerstein Ballroom. The crowd sits in stunned silence, awaiting the main event. Some are booing, some chant ‘REFUND’, some chant ‘BULLSH*T’, other stir…but no one leaves)
OBERSTARR: Take a look at out crowd, and I’m not sure a single one of them knows what just went on!
MYLDE: Why would they? We’re too cheap to invest in a big screen. Come on Palazzo, let’s get a NEXT-LEVEL-TRON or something.
(CUEUP: ‘Wild Thing’ by The Troggs)
(SFX: HUGE POP! It’s not for the entrance, but the mere fact that the main event has commenced)
(The curtain WHISKS OPEN and out comes YUTAKA MAEDA, bleached blonde hair stained red from the cuts on his forehead, opened up only moments earlier. He’s got madness in his eyes, walking disheveled not from fatigue but berserk energy coursing through him from battle. Sometime before his attack on Magnus, the Japanese War Gods must have pissed down his throat a potent stream of ancient samurai fury…or maybe he’s drunk off hot sake. Either way, you can read it on a man’s face when he’s not to be f*cked with and on this night, Maeda is a man not to be f*cked with)
SIREN: (clears throat) Without further ado…THE MAIN EVENT! First up, he haaaailllss hrm- from TOKYO JAPAN! SIX…FOOT…FIVE HE STANDS! HIS WEIGHT- TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTY POUNDS! HMMMM-YUTAKA! YUTAKA! YUTAKAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! YUTAKAAAAAAAAA MAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEE……DDDDDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!
MYLDE: No you dumb broad, it’s done! It’s all done! Magnus isn’t here!
(The fans begin to cool toward Maeda, seeing as though something’s clearly up with him. He steps through the ropes and immediately rips the mic from Siren)
MAEDA: YOU’RE ALL GARBAGE, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU!
OBERSTARR: What is WRONG with Yutaka Maeda? I’ve met the man on numerous occasions, and not once did he strike me as bitter, hostile, or well…INSANE.
MYLDE: Let’s tell it like it is, Oberstarr- the Jap JAP’D Magnus, plain and simple. He JAP’D him!
MAEDA: This COMPANY is garbage, this ARENA is garbage, this CITY is garbage, and if you think that cross between the KISS Demon and the bass player from GWAR is gonna come down here and shut me up…THINK AGAIN!
(BOOS and chants of “YOU-SEE-SIDE-WAYS!”)
MAEDA: ANY MAN wants to come down and test me, let him, and I’ll carve out his skull like I did to Magnus! That’s correct; I showed him what SPIRIT and being a WARRIOR is all about, and he’s never coming back, EVER! Damn that KISS Demon and DAMN ALL OF YOU TOO! (BOOS) What, are you SHOCKED? Hmm? Are you SHOCKED I speak good English? Did you expect me to sound like a f*cking Samurai? YOSH! YOSSSSSHHHHH! I COME FOR-A MAGNOOOOSE! WHERE IZZZ-A MAGNOOOOOSE! HE IZ-A-GAH-BAGE! YOU ARE-A-GAH-BAGE! Huh? Is that what you wanted? F*ck you. Go home, watch the same five animes you always watch to stereotype our culture, and make sure you remember how I destroyed your hero to become the KING OF ALL MONSTERS!
MYLDE: So he wins?
OBERSTARR: This might have to be ruled a no-contest. Which, in effect, would throw the upcoming Golden Boy Grand Prix into flux, because we’d have to air a re-match. Air time is precious, and we’re almost out of time as it is. This might have to be done untelevised!
MYLDE: Why am I not working at NFW or EPW right now? WHOSE ASS DIDN’T I KISS!
(Crowd is stirring, p*ssed off, yelling, pelting Maeda with garbage, until NLW Owner RA PALAZZO power walks down the aisle to the ring. He doesn’t look too thrilled himself)
OBERSTARR: Now Palazzo’s out here, hopefully to restore some order or lay the groundwork or…jeez I’m lost for words, this is a mess.
MYLDE: He forgot to mail the check, didn’t he? Was he paying Maeda in yen?
(Visibly p*ssed, Palazzo grabs the mic from Maeda)
PALAZZO: Don’t be a f*ckin’ clown, Maeda. I had people in the back telling me you blinded Magnus or some sh*t? Look, Gravender’s sprained his knee, so he can’t step in. We asked Zesty step in too, but he’s passed out drunk- he can’t wrestle either. And I’m not about to hand the main event to one of the four clowns who got firsted, so here’s how it’s going down. I’ve got paramedics and other staff on the lookout for Magnus, ready to treat his eyesight. I’m giving him TWENTY MINUTES to get down here and wrestle for the big trophy over there at ringside. If he can’t get down in here in twenty, then congrats to Maeda, ‘cause he’s your f*ckin’ winner. I’m not rescheduling and gumming up the works for everybody else. The show must go on, and we must have a winner TO-NIGHT. TWENTY MINUTES Magnus, get your ass down here. For the rest of you, consider it intermission.
(BIG collective “AWWW! BOOOOOOO!” from the crowd. New chant: “WE-WANT-RE-FUNDS!”)
OBERSTARR: There you have it, the boss has spoken, and we WILL have finality, one way or another.
MYLDE: You think our audience knows what ‘finality’ means? For the lay-man out there, we’re declaring a winner.
OBERSTARR: Thank you, Jimmy. And now I’m being told we have video feed on Magnus’ whereabouts. Can we get a look at that?
(CUTTO: A bloodied up MAGNUS DESTRUCTO sits against the wall of a small room with a bandana tied around his face, covering his eyes. In his divine presence are a circus troupe, including the a BEARDED WOMAN, JUGGLER, CLOWNS, STRONGMAN, and of course, THE RINGLEADER)
OBERSTARR: Oh my, it looks as if he’s stumbled into the building next door, where the circus is in town! Let’s listen in…
MAGNUS: HOW CAN I KILL HIM IF I CANNOT SEE?!
RINGLEADER: Hmm, well, about that. We may be able to assist you, Mr. Magnus. Have you ever heard of a ‘Seeing Eye Russian Bear’?
MAGNUS: OF COURSE I HAVE NOT! ENLIGHTEN ME, MAGGOT, BEFORE I CAST YOU INTO THE ETERNAL FIRES OF LAKE BALBEROTH!
RINGLEADER: Ouch. Well it’s sort of like a Seeing Eye dog, except it’s…a Russian bear. But a trained Russian bear! As a matter of fact I trained him myself! He’s well behaved, and could take you anywhere you wish to go.
MYLDE: Nope. Not selling it. I know what’s about to happen, and I ain’t giving it the Mylde Seal of Approval. Sorry.
OBERSTARR: Alright Jimmy, calm down.
MYLDE: You calm down. I’m not selling Magnus on a bear.
OBERSTARR: (sighs) We’ve gotta go to commercial. When we come back- THE FINALE!