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The REAL Funk U. T-shirt
[FADE IN: on a Motel 6 backdrop streaming from a laptop webcam. TEDDY ALEXANDER is framed in the screen, sitting at a table just staring at it with his arms folders across his chest. He looks tired like he's been through something physical. Notably, BRAWLAPALOOZA Night One to be precise.]
[He eyeballs the camera like he were trying to look through it and down into the viewers, as if looking for someone specifically.]
TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“Phil. At Brawlapalooza: Night One, we’ve gotten farther in dis tournament than many of those Internet smarks reckoned we would. I dunno if you keep up with da news sites. Mind you, da quality has dropped dramatically since EWTorch shut down. Anyways, Phil... those sites weren’t really on our side.
“They were all saying, I think Atken is too pre-occupied with his World title match against Castor Strife to take dis seriously and If Atken makes a false move Alexander is going to snap his neck and leave him for da wolves.
“I don’t believe everything I read on da Internet. And neither should you.
“You see, Phil, all dis hub-bub stems from some truths. You can’t have lies without truths to falsify, right? You can’t make rumours unless da nucleus isn’t already formed.”
[He drops his arms onto the table and leans in, like he were trying to get more up close and personal with his tag team partner.]
TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“Phil. Da truths dat it stems from is dat I am a focused individual. I am, probably, a little on da angry side. I don’t deal with my emotions like a psychologist would prefer but I deal with ‘em my way. Da old fashioned way. I express myself through other means.
“Picasso expressed himself through art. I’m not much different. We both have a canvas yet I paint with BLOOD. I wanna win those EMT’s, Phil, and if you do anything in spite of my goal you’ll end up looking like some sort’f macabre Picasso. My favourite colours are red, black and blue.
“Do you see da picture I’m painting for you here?”
[Snicker.]
TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“Listen, Phil. I don’t want to have to hurt you. I don’t want to have to be asshole here but I want to walk away with them belts. A couple of weeks ago I had my first taste at taking NFW gold but was beaten by Jack Bryant in what was close to da best Main Event dat has EVER taken place on an NFW Brawl show.
“Da first guy to last dat long with Jack Bryant AND not leave on a guerney.
“Probably da first person on dis whole damn roster dat worried dat sonofabitch.
“And with dat taste of gold you want some more. Like a junky, I can feel it coursing through my veins and I want another sniff. Another taste. I wanna feel dat gold wrapped around my waist and I wanna feel it BAAAADDDD!”
[He sits back in his chair, shaking his head.]
TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“Phil. You wanna make sure dat you don’t do anything to jeopardise dat or I’ll jeopardise your life. You don’t want da last time your daddy sees you inside a wrestling ring is folks scraping you off da canvas with a spatula, Phil.
“You want to hold those belts up, too. You wanna feel dat gold against your skin and da reaction of da fans as you raise dat belt above your head.
“You wanna be a champion. To be remembered as a champion.
“You do NOT want to be remembered as da man who fucked up and had his head caved in with a Ragekill Driver coz you never turned up on da same page as da Philadelphian Nightmare.
“When you pulled your hand back in our match against da Shadowrunners, Phil, dat told me you didn’t want to get on da same page. Dat told me you weren’t interested in reading da same damn book.
“Dat’s why I left you to finish off Deacon and Cruise. Dat’s why I left you inside dat ring to prove yourself to me. PROVE to me dat you’re on da same page. PROVE to me dat I’m not just an afterthought to your World title match. And when da chips were down I had your back and destroyed Cruise with a Ragekill Driver he won’t soon forget. Then I dragged your sorry ass over his fallen body and we got da one-two-three.
“I did dat for you, Phil. For YOU!
“Now it’s time you showed me da same faith I’ve given to you.
“Phil, when da bodies hit da floor...
“Don’t let yours be one of ‘em.”
[TEDDY reaches forward and slams the laptop lid shut.]
[CUT to BLACK!]
[He eyeballs the camera like he were trying to look through it and down into the viewers, as if looking for someone specifically.]
TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“Phil. At Brawlapalooza: Night One, we’ve gotten farther in dis tournament than many of those Internet smarks reckoned we would. I dunno if you keep up with da news sites. Mind you, da quality has dropped dramatically since EWTorch shut down. Anyways, Phil... those sites weren’t really on our side.
“They were all saying, I think Atken is too pre-occupied with his World title match against Castor Strife to take dis seriously and If Atken makes a false move Alexander is going to snap his neck and leave him for da wolves.
“I don’t believe everything I read on da Internet. And neither should you.
“You see, Phil, all dis hub-bub stems from some truths. You can’t have lies without truths to falsify, right? You can’t make rumours unless da nucleus isn’t already formed.”
[He drops his arms onto the table and leans in, like he were trying to get more up close and personal with his tag team partner.]
TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“Phil. Da truths dat it stems from is dat I am a focused individual. I am, probably, a little on da angry side. I don’t deal with my emotions like a psychologist would prefer but I deal with ‘em my way. Da old fashioned way. I express myself through other means.
“Picasso expressed himself through art. I’m not much different. We both have a canvas yet I paint with BLOOD. I wanna win those EMT’s, Phil, and if you do anything in spite of my goal you’ll end up looking like some sort’f macabre Picasso. My favourite colours are red, black and blue.
“Do you see da picture I’m painting for you here?”
[Snicker.]
TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“Listen, Phil. I don’t want to have to hurt you. I don’t want to have to be asshole here but I want to walk away with them belts. A couple of weeks ago I had my first taste at taking NFW gold but was beaten by Jack Bryant in what was close to da best Main Event dat has EVER taken place on an NFW Brawl show.
“Da first guy to last dat long with Jack Bryant AND not leave on a guerney.
“Probably da first person on dis whole damn roster dat worried dat sonofabitch.
“And with dat taste of gold you want some more. Like a junky, I can feel it coursing through my veins and I want another sniff. Another taste. I wanna feel dat gold wrapped around my waist and I wanna feel it BAAAADDDD!”
[He sits back in his chair, shaking his head.]
TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“Phil. You wanna make sure dat you don’t do anything to jeopardise dat or I’ll jeopardise your life. You don’t want da last time your daddy sees you inside a wrestling ring is folks scraping you off da canvas with a spatula, Phil.
“You want to hold those belts up, too. You wanna feel dat gold against your skin and da reaction of da fans as you raise dat belt above your head.
“You wanna be a champion. To be remembered as a champion.
“You do NOT want to be remembered as da man who fucked up and had his head caved in with a Ragekill Driver coz you never turned up on da same page as da Philadelphian Nightmare.
“When you pulled your hand back in our match against da Shadowrunners, Phil, dat told me you didn’t want to get on da same page. Dat told me you weren’t interested in reading da same damn book.
“Dat’s why I left you to finish off Deacon and Cruise. Dat’s why I left you inside dat ring to prove yourself to me. PROVE to me dat you’re on da same page. PROVE to me dat I’m not just an afterthought to your World title match. And when da chips were down I had your back and destroyed Cruise with a Ragekill Driver he won’t soon forget. Then I dragged your sorry ass over his fallen body and we got da one-two-three.
“I did dat for you, Phil. For YOU!
“Now it’s time you showed me da same faith I’ve given to you.
“Phil, when da bodies hit da floor...
“Don’t let yours be one of ‘em.”
[TEDDY reaches forward and slams the laptop lid shut.]
[CUT to BLACK!]